Miserable At Best
by SimplyDazzling
Summary: Bella moves to Forks for her senior year. Edward Cullen proves himself as less than desirable from day one. But as Bella begins to see past the drugs, the mood swings, she finds the shadow of boy who had lost everything, including himself. AH/OOC
1. Kindergarten

**A/N: **_Miserable At Best _is a story that contains serious angst, dark themes, and lemons. It's rated M for a reason, so just know that you were warned. If you can't handle excessive profanity, drug/alcohol use, any type of sex, or other adult subject matter, then please take into consideration whether or not this story is for you.

Follow me on twitter for my updating schedules, teasers, or just to say hi _simplydazzling.

**WARNING: **In this story you will meet the most difficult, frustrating, douchiest, emotionally strained Edward you've ever read, and you're most likely going to want to hit him over the head on more occasions than one. But, just remember that everyone has a reason why they act the way they do. Be patient. Edward _will_ win you over. Just give him the chance to do so.

**_Full Summary:_** _Bella moves to Forks for her senior year and quickly becomes friends with Alice and the gang. Edward Cullen proves himself as less than desirable from day one, seemingly destined for failure with no intention of ever living up to the person he once was. But as Bella begins to see past the drugs, the mood swings, she finds the atrophy of a shadow belonging to a boy who had lost everything, including himself._

* * *

"Do you wanna be friends?"

It was a phrase I hadn't heard since kindergarten. In fact, I think it may have been the epitome of every six year-olds' conversation. I was positive that it was impossible for anyone to forget that first day. No one knew anyone, and at the age of six, you were invincibly brave enough to ask any question in the world.

I raised my eyes up from my map, meeting the dazzling smile that most certainly did not belong to a kindergartener. It was impossible not to be at ease with the grin this girl was giving me.

"Sure," I agreed with a cautious smile, "Let's be friends."

It _was_ kindergarten again. Beginning the first day at a new high school in a new state, there wasn't a single face here that would be remotely familiar. For some odd reason, the grayish blue eyes that twinkled in the light and the short, spiky black hair that bounced as she moved gave me the ambition to agree to such an offer. It was genuinely rare that anyone made me feel so comfortable, let alone this girl I had never met before.

"Good!" She exclaimed happily. "Because boy do I know how much it sucks to be the new girl here. I mean what a joy – moving to a school where everyone has known each other forever. Last year, Junior year, was when I moved here." She held out a friendly hand. "I'm Alice Cullen, by the way."

I liked this Alice. There was genuine kindness in her, which was pretty rare in your typical teenage high school student. If I was going to start right off the bat by making new friends here – which I had sincerely doubted before arriving this morning – then I was really glad it was Alice who offered.

I was just the slightest bit bemused in pondering the excitement; why Alice seemed so entirely thrilled about being my friend. It was beyond me, yet at the same time I felt a strange sense of relief.

"I'm Bella Sw–"

"I know who you are, Bella!" She rolled her eyes. "God, doesn't everyone?"

She lost me. She threw her head back in laughter as she read the confusion on my face. "Bella, you just moved here, right?" I nodded cautiously in assessment. "Well then you've seen Forks, right?" I nodded again, still unsure of where she was going with this. "It's got like, seven people in the whole town! It's impossible _not_ to know when someone new comes rolling in. We _never_ get new students here."

Oh. Right, well I guess she had a point. I inwardly cringed at the idea of everyone knowing who I was already. With sinking suspicion I suddenly wondered if Charlie had anything to do with my apparent fame. The idea was far from appealing, and I almost had to restrain the urge to scream out loud.

I just didn't do the whole 'spotlight' thing.

I heard what I assumed was the first bell warning and decided I didn't want to be late for my first class. "Hey, um, Alice?" I asked her as I glanced down at my useless map in frustration. "Can you help me find my first class? . . .I have no idea where I'm going." I confessed with a frown.

She quickly tore my schedule sheet out of my hands, letting out a happy squeal as she shoved it back into my hands. "First Period Trig," she sang. "Follow me, my dear, and I shall lead you to our first class."

It was nearly impossible to follow Alice. She didn't walk, she _sashayed_. I wondered idly if her mood was ever anything but chipper. The way she seemingly danced through life had me curious as to the reason behind all her exuberance.

I vaguely ignored the apparent stares I was receiving. Before I freaked myself out into a state of paranoia, I remembered Alice's earlier words, and that all I was was something new for people to look at. Curiosity. They were staring at the new girl out of simply just curiosity.

It wasn't like I had a reason to be stared at anyways. I figured once people started realizing that, the stares would quickly die down. I'd give it a week, maximum. After a week, Bella Swan would become just a name to everyone, which is how I wanted it to be. I _liked_ being invisible. It was my comfortable skin.

The reason I moved to Forks was for a change. I had lived with my mom in Phoenix for so many years that I had actually gotten sick of the sun. Which, I refused to admit out loud to anyone since apparently all it did here was rain.

Not only did I get sick of the sun, but I missed my dad, Charlie. I realized, whilst burning in my sunbathing hometown of misery, that spending two weeks with the man every year didn't exactly earn me the 'Number One Daughter' award.

Renee had been nothing but understanding when I had told her my decision. Being recently married and all, I knew she was secretly thrilled to have me out of the house so that she and Phil could spend more time together and less time worrying about me.

When I had told Charlie, he had been _ecstatic_. Instead of awkwardly agreeing to let me come live in his house with only one bathroom which would need to be shared between a middle-aged man and a teenage girl, he welcomed me to this rainy little town with open arms.

I wasn't even bothered by the fact that him being the Chief of Police would damper my chances of getting invited to the big parties. I was almost as torn up about that as when I had discovered that eating a watermelon seed wouldn't actually make a watermelon grow in your stomach.

I wondered aimlessly where all these kindergarten memories were coming from.

Another thing that I allowed myself to be relieved about was that this was the first day of the school year for everyone, and that I wasn't doing something as drastic as starting out fresh in the middle of an already progressing year. I was functional enough to handle a lot of things, but I was fairly positive starting over halfway through a semester would not be one of them.

"Here we are," Alice announced in her sing-song voice, pulling me out of my cluttered thoughts. "Room 114! Or as I like to call it," she lowered her voice dramatically, "_Hell_."

I laughed, shaking my head as we entered the room. I think during our short walk, Alice and her obtuse observations had gathered that I didn't enjoy being front and center and, bless her heart, pulled me along to two empty seats in the back of the room.

Once we were seated, she turned to me with an enthusiastic look. "Okay, so I know we like _just _met," she began slowly, eyes burning with the excitement she could hardly contain.

"Yeah, like five minutes ago," I confirmed with a grin.

"But," she went on, "I feel like we should make some sort of pact."

A pact? What on earth could she have possibly meant by _that_? "Okay, I'm with you so far. . ." I responded nervously, wondering what I had gotten myself into upon my earlier agreement.

"To make this year the _best_." She finished her preposition simply. "A year that we're always gonna remember, even when we're fifty – and still hot, by the way," she added, matter-of-factly with a giggle. "I mean, something different. I don't want my senior year to be like every other boring year I've spent in school, ya know?"

I was hardly the kind of person who got excited over things as frivolous as making sure your senior year was fun. But surprisingly enough, Alice made it actually impossible not to smile and think fondly of such an idea.

"I think, Alice, we have ourselves a pact."

She held her hand out, fisting together all of her fingers except for her small pinky as she gave me a hopeful look. I grinned, rolling my eyes as I quickly connected my pinky with hers. The last time I had made a promise out of a pinky swear was, well, kindergarten.

Just then, the bell rang, officially starting my first day at Forks High School.

-oOo-

Once I managed to get my first class out of the way, the rest of the day didn't seem like it would be such a difficult task. The initial nerves I had held at the beginning of the day were starting to wear off and I actually wound up finding my way to my next class all by myself.

The aroma of old pages made me smile as I stepped into my AP English class. If there was anything I truly adored most in this world, it was books. I had always been the kind of girl who marked down the date on her calendar when a famous author was coming to town for a book signing. I would stay in my PJ's everyday if I could. I'd curl up in a ball on my couch and simply waste away the day by reading Pride and Prejudice for the two-hundredth time. That was my ideal day. I mean, I didn't necessarily broadcast the fact that I may have loved Jane Austen more than life itself, but I had never really been one to care or dwell upon what other people's impressions of me were.

From what I understood the curricular for this class to be for the year, we would spend one semester on creative writing, and the other on studying and analyzing classic literature. Those words were the closest thing to heaven I'd heard in a long time.

I wasn't a geeky school girl, I really wasn't. English truly was the only subject in school that ever got me genuinely excited to learn. I wasn't sure why, but I had just always been fascinated by everything it involved.

I decided to be semi-brave and sat down in a desk basically right in the middle of the classroom. That way my teacher, Mr. Barner, wouldn't think poorly of my seating decisions and judge my character as a slacker for sitting in the back like I really wanted to just do. It also meant that I was not seated in the front row, and therefore, eyes had no reason to wander astray to me for any significant reason.

He sat at his desk, doing what I assumed was the attendance in his head, calling out a few names he didn't recognize – including mine – to make sure we were all there. He smiled warmly at me, not going out of his way to embarrass me with a "Let's Welcome The New Student" announcement. I loved this man already.

He started out his lecture explaining what he expected from everyone; how he wanted behavior in his classroom to be and what the year was going to be about. Then, he moved on to discuss the concept of "Editing Partners."

"I have already paired each of you up at random with another student in this class. That is the partner you will have for the whole semester of Creative Writing. During class, I will give you time to peer-edit your partner's paper and your partner will do the same. Everyone get where I'm going with this?"

A majority of the class nodded their head. "Good," he stated in approval. "Once I read off names, I want you to take a few minutes to talk and introduce yourself to your partner." I wondered why that was necessary. Everyone in this class had known each other since diapers.

He began reading off the assigned names he had paired together. Almost all the way through his list, he finally got to my name. "Bella Swan and Edward Cullen." I subtly looked around the room, trying to pick out who Edward was. I was interrupted shortly into my search.

"For whatever reason he thought was necessary," Mr. Barner was speaking directly to me, "Edward has chosen not to attend class today. You may take these next couple of minutes as free time if you'd like, Bella."

No one was ever sick on the first day of school. It just didn't happen, coincidence or not, leading me to believe that either Edward was going to be extremely late to class, or that he actually was skipping the first day.

_Seriously? Who skipped the _first_ day of school?_

I couldn't get over my slight shock as the minutes dragged on. In attempts to try and figure out this boy I had never met, a thought occurred to me. Edward _Cullen_. As in, Alice _Cullen_. It wasn't exactly a common name, so I knew they'd have to be related somehow. I reminded myself to ask Alice about him during lunch.

-oOo-

I spent my free period in the library before heading to the cafeteria, the only period I was seriously nervous about. I took extra slow steps to the cafeteria, counting the tiles on the floor and actually going out of my way to remain behind the excited lunch crowd.

Alice had invited me to sit at her table with her and her friends. I had this cryptic feeling that I wasn't going to be welcomed there, for some reason, and my nerves only intensified as I began to worry about how her friends would perceive me.

I stayed simple, getting a salad, an apple, and a carton of skim milk before I began to scan the crowd for Alice's spiky black hair. If she was standing in line somewhere, she was going to be pretty easy to miss, what with her grand height-span of barely reaching five feet.

I didn't need to search for long. I was waved over to a table in the corner, cringing slightly as about fifty pairs of eyes turned in my direction and hurried over to where she was. Once I finally reached the table, I continued to ignore the fact that everyone's eyes were on me and sat down to the empty seat on Alice's right.

She wasted no time jumping into introductions as I diverted my gaze strictly towards the food in front of me.

"Everyone," she sang. "This is Bella Swan."

She started down the line with a big, burly looking boy who had a dimply smile from ear to ear. He extended a friendly hand to wave in my direction. The childlike smile he possessed made it impossible for him to seem threatening, which he would have on any other occasion. The massive muscles shown off very profoundly through his gray t-shirt indicated that this boy ate his Wheaties.

"That's Emmett," she told me. "I know you may think otherwise, but trust me – he's not gonna bite."

I grinned shyly. "Nice to meet you, Emmett."

There was a noisy _clank_ as a tray dropped loudly onto the table and the empty spot on Alice's left became occupied. Alice spun around, throwing her arms around the neck of the boy who had just sat down. The two shared an enthusiastic kiss as she spun back around in my direction looking rather flushed.

"Jazzy, this is Bella Swan," she told him with a big smile. "Bella, this is my boyfriend, Jasper." The whole little make-out session suddenly made sense. I shot him an embarrassed smile as he grinned back and waved.

"Mike Newton," she nodded her head in the direction of the boy to the left of Emmett. His face was extremely boyish, giving him a young, youthful appearance opposite of both Emmett and Jasper's. He flashed me a wide smile as I shyly smiled back.

Too nervous to notice her before, my eyes now focused on the girl sitting across from me. The term 'girl' was putting it lightly. She was the kind of girl you only saw in the movies; the kind that looked like she had just stepped out of a Sports Illustrated magazine if not Hollywood itself.

I didn't realize I had been staring until her icy blue-eyed gaze pulled me from my dazed trance. "Take a picture, it'll last longer," she snapped before throwing her shiny blond curls behind her shoulder impassively.

"S-sorry," I stuttered, suddenly taken back by this girl's apparent hostility.

The others at the table just laughed. "Rosalie!" Alice exclaimed angrily, "Don't be a bitch unless that's the impression you want her to have of you for the rest of the year." She then turned to me. "Don't mind her. She's just looked into _one_ too many mirrors."

Rosalie just shrugged, not bothering to defend herself when she knew she didn't have to. I suppose a majority of my time would be spent staring into my reflection too if that's the face I got to see every time.

The rest of the lunch went on as just a basic, typical questioned, first conversation basis. They took turns asking me about general things in my life: what was my old school like, why did I move to Forks, what was my family like, did I have any pets, and so on.

At one point I had remembered something from earlier in the day. "Hey, Alice," I pulled her out of a conversation she had been having with Rosalie about shoes. "Do you have a brother that goes here?"

For amount, her eyes unanticipatedly grew dark. I quickly back-tracked, wondering if I had asked something I shouldn't have. Before I began to panic, seconds later her eyes grew light again and she actually laughed, though it sounded awfully forced to me.

"No brothers," she confirmed mid-laugh. "Emmett's actually my cousin," she paused. "And his brother, Edward, is also my cousin."

By the strange way her eyes had so abruptly turned harsh before, I decided not to ask any more on the subject, simply nodding with a polite smile of acknowledgement to her answering my question. Although, that didn't keep me from wondering. . .

-oOo-

The day dragged on to be surprisingly uneventful. A few kids had gone out of their way to introduce themselves, each seeming pleasant enough to be civil towards. Neither Emmett, Jasper, Mike, or Rosalie had appeared in any of my afternoon classes.

After lunch, I went to my Spanish class and sat through fifty minutes of lecture on how the only things we were to say in the room required to be of the Spanish origin. Then I had world history; a boring class I knew I'd regret taking after only a day in the cheap plastic chairs. No matter who you were, to a teenage girl, world history would never be interesting.

My last class of the day was Biology. The seating assignments had been made previous to our arrival, so I was pleased when I appeared to have a lab table to myself. I always preferred individual work to partner work.

Alice made me agree to meet her in the parking lot after school before I went home. I warily glanced around to search for her before she suddenly popped up in front of me, appearing out of nowhere. "So, Bella, what'd ya think of your first day here? Love it? Hate it?" She asked enthusiastically as we walked out the front doors.

I shrugged. "I'm not gonna go and kill myself just yet," I joked.

"Good to hear," she laughed. "As long as the rain hasn't turned you suicidal yet." She pursed her lips in thought for a moment before she mused on. "You know, Bella, you should really come over and hang for a while."

Normally, I would have politely inclined and used Charlie as an excuse to get out of something without being rude about it. That was normally. Since I actually enjoyed Alice's company, I found the idea surprisingly appealing. "You sure?"

"Of course!" she quickly responded.

"Okay," I answered, smiling hugely inside at the invitation. "Sounds like a plan."

I hadn't realized we had stopped until we were standing in front of a canary yellow sports car. I couldn't imagine what drove her parents to buy her a Porsche, but I wasn't going to be judgmental until I actually met them. I refused to let the idea of wealth damper my opinions on this lovely girl.

When eyes fell back in her direction, Alice's face had fallen with a frown now crossing her lips; something I had thought to be impossible for her. I followed my gaze to where her's was when I realized we weren't alone. Leaning against Alice's shiny car with his sulky gaze diverted towards the ground was the cause of Alice's sudden tension.

The exact same ominous look crossed her face as the one from the lunch table, leading me to believe that the boy standing with his head down, hands in pockets, was no one other than who I assumed to be Edward Cullen.

I pursed my lips as I studied him carefully. His hair was an odd copper color that was hard to miss as flashes of bronze danced in the sun's occasional flicker of light. It was a mess – flying out in hundreds of different directions in a disarray of an unkempt bed-head sort of look that I deemed to suit him just fine.

He appeared masculine, though nowhere near comparable to Emmett. His muscles were subtle yet defined, giving his structure a lean but firm build. The way his red shirt clung to his frame was too attractive not to notice. The stubble running along his jaw and chin gave him an appearance older than he actually was, adding to the overall I-don't-give-a-fuck-about-life look.

He moved his tired looking gaze from the ground to Alice's guarded expression. "Edward," she stated curtly, proving my assumption to be correct. I was trying to figure out why her reaction and attitude was so strange towards him. He _looked_ innocent enough.

His eyes were the most strikingly bright color of green I had ever seen. The way the rich emerald practically sparkled was a huge contrast to the rest of his almost hostile appearance. I found myself oddly entranced by this boy. . .In a way, he was actually kind of beautiful.

"Alice," he finally spoke. His voice almost sounded raspy. Raspy _and_ smooth at the same time. He kept his eyes solely on her, never once acknowledging my presence, which was as much as I would have guessed by the way he had just shown up in the first place. "I need to borrow some money."

"Way to show up today," she said coolly, ignoring his request as he hastily shoved his balled fists into his pockets without so much as an acknowledgement that she had spoken to him. He waited silently for a response to his initial purpose of conversation. The apparent strain between the two was almost exhausting to witness.

I couldn't understand the look she was now giving him. It seemed cautious as she carefully leaned back against her cheery yellow car. "Why do you need it?" Her voice sounded deflated. Another un-Alice-like quality.

"Groceries," he responded nonchalantly, moving his eyes to anywhere but her now skeptical gaze. "I need to get some things from the store." The way he clipped his words had me unconvinced that what he was stating was the truth.

"Edward. . ." she started as her face softened in concerned, a fleeting plead from the delicate confines of the frown her lips were forming.

"_Don't_." He stated harshly, moving his icy glare back up to meet her face. "Just don't."

And that was the end of that conversation. I watched in confusion as she reached into her large handbag, pulling out her pink polka-dotted rhinestone wallet. With grudging defeat, she reached into it, placing two twenties in his ready hand.

Without another word he stalked away. "So that's Edward," I confirmed, rocking back and forth from my toes to my heels, at a loss for what I was suppose to say. "He seems. . .pleasant." I chuckled nervously.

There wasn't a single trace of humor in her face as her eyes met mine. She stared at me for a long moment before finally just shaking off whatever was making her so upset. With a slow smile, she opened the door to her car. "Just follow me to my house," she ordered cheerfully.

Still slightly baffled about what had just went down, I nodded, walking slowly over to my truck. I got in, turned on the ignition that roared to life, and pulled behind Alice as I followed her out of the lot.

She had said they were cousins, hadn't she? If he had just been there, why hadn't he been in school? I had too many questions for that particular subject. I knew none of it concerned me, and that it was absolutely ridiculous for me to be reading into their exchange so much.

I followed her for about ten minutes before we were pulling into the driveway of a huge, Victorian styled white home. My eyes flashed from Alice's car and back to the house. So I guess they were really rich.

For the first time, I actually felt a small pang of jealousy. I realized warily that Alice seemingly had everything. She was more than just a little pretty, she was easily a people person and good with popularity, she was both funny and sweet, and from the sound of it, she led a pretty good life. A happy life.

"Alice," I commented, taking in the magnificent house. "You have a _beautiful_ home." I couldn't keep the amazement from my voice. "Wow. Who all lives here?"

She laughed at my expression, tugging on my hand as she led me in through the vast garage. There weren't any other cars here except her's and mine. "Me, my mom and dad, Emmett, Seth," she paused. "And Edward."

I had so many questions to ask, and there were so many things I wanted to know. Something inside me warned me not to go there though; not yet, at least. I went with a simple question instead, resisting the urge to pry too much. "Where is everyone?"

She shrugged as we walked through the door entering inside. "I don't know I guess," she admitted. "My dad, Carlisle's, is probably working at the hospital. Emmett's always either at baseball practice or over at Mike's. My mom, Esme, is probably out with Seth somewhere, and Edward's. . .around."

I took in the incredible space around me. The walls were painted in warm, neutral colors while the carpet evened out the tones. The furniture spread throughout the house was simple, yet remained exquisitely elegant. The spacious feel was almost overwhelming, illustrating the massive size of the overall house.

"Who's Seth?" I asked absentmindedly as I continued to look around.

"Seth's also my cousin," she informed me. "He's Emmett and Edward's nine year-old brother." She paused for a long moment, pursing her lips as she carefully placed her backpack on the floor. "He's autistic."

I had always had a soft spot for kids with special needs but then again, who didn't? Renee ran a part-time daycare and I often helped keep the kids entertained and occupied. Ever year, she always had one or two who either had special needs or a disability.

"That must be really tough," I sympathized with a frown.

I followed her up the grand staircase to where I was assuming her bedroom was. She nodded with an ambitiously hopeful smile. "It is, but it's worth it. He's the sweetest little boy you're ever gonna meet in your life." She sighed fondly.

"I'd really like to meet him sometime," I declared with a smile.

I was actually dying to know more because I knew there _was_ more. For whatever reasons I didn't know, her family was apparently a sensitive topic. So instead, we sat down Indian style in the middle of her huge bed as she filled me in on basically everything about herself she had neglected to tell me before.

Two hours later I was convinced Alice would soon become the sister I never had. We bonded simply just because our personalities complimented each other. In the way that I was timid and reserved, she was talkative and outgoing.

Eventually after we had come to the consensus that it was time for a snack, we went back downstairs. We wondered into the kitchen as I continued to be amazed with this transfixing house I was in.

She dug around in some cabinets before spinning around, holding a container of Oreos in one hand and a box of Vanilla Wafers in the other. She wagged her eyebrows back and forth, opting me to be the snack selector.

"Which one?" she asked dramatically.

"Oreos," I decided after a moment of contemplating. "Definitely the Oreos."

"I was hoping you'd pick them!" she squealed before setting them down and dancing around the island over to the refrigerator. "I'll get us some milk." She informed me as I sat down on one of the stools at the granite counter.

We sat there for ten minutes, giggling as we dunked our cookies into our large, full glasses of milk. There was this irresistible aura surrounding Alice that made it impossible not to smile when she did. I couldn't recall ever meeting someone like that before.

Without warning, we were suddenly joined in the kitchen. If I hadn't had a vague sense of what he had looked like three hours ago, then the person standing before me would have been more of a stranger than he already was.

To say I recognized him would have been a stretch though, considering the immense differences I immediately depicted from the earlier glimpse I had gotten of him in the school parking lot.

He looked like even more of a mess than he had before, and it wasn't just a little noticeable. The bags under his eyes that I had failed to notice before had become more profound, giving off the strong impression that he rarely slept during the night.

If his bright jade eyes had seemed like a contrast in his face before, now you couldn't even miss noticing them if you tried. His eyes had looked somewhat normal before; pretty, even. Now, not only were they distraught and clouded, but they were about as bloodshot as it was ever possible for eyes to be. Rimmed with red, the way his gaze seemed almost unfocused actually made him look _scary_.

His face was different. _Everything_ was different.

He wasn't smiling. He wasn't even frowning. He was glaring. His harsh stare was directed towards the ground though, where it always seemed to be. As I began to become accustomed to the sudden change in the atmosphere, I noticed a smell that hadn't been there before he had entered the room only moments ago.

I knew I was staring, but I literally couldn't look away. His presence appeared incompetent of blending into the scene which surrounded him. The vibrant tones of the house only made his appearance darker than it already was.

I watched as he reached for the open milk carton we had left sitting on the counter in front of us. Alice grimaced in disgust as he held the carton to his mouth, not bothering with the decency to pour himself a glass.

I focused on the scent now taking over the kitchen. It was bitter with almost a certain sweetness to it. Realization suddenly hit me as I figured out what I was inhaling. My eyes darted quickly from Alice's tense face to Edward's bloodshot eyes.

In that instant I was fairly positive that groceries hadn't been what he had purchased with the money Alice had so kindly lent him. In fact, what Edward had boughten certainly wasn't found in a grocery store. Her hesitant face, her torn expression whenever he was brought up into a conversation – it all made a little more sense now.

"Edward, you promised," she whispered angrily under her breath.

"Yeah?" he snapped bitterly, slamming the carton back down on the counter with unnecessary force. "Well things don't always go as planned, Alice. And for all you know," he stated coolly, "I _did_ get groceries."

The way he was talking to her made me grit my teeth together in anger. What the hell was his issue? High or not, you didn't talk to family that way. Or anyone. I was learning more and more about his illustrious character as the day continued on, and it was actually starting to make me sick.

"I have to go to the bathroom," Alice suddenly squeaked, promptly scurrying out of the room in dismissal before anyone could say anything else, leaving me alone with this. . .seemingly terrifying boy.

I glared daggers into his back as I watched him scavenger through the pantry cupboards. I knew it wasn't in my place to say anything, but at the same time I couldn't just sit here and say nothing. Even after knowing Alice for only a day, I already knew by now that very few things upset her. I couldn't _not_ say something in her defense after she had done nothing to deserve his apparent crap.

I meant to sound all tough and demanding, but my voice only came out quiet and weak. "Why did you lie to her?"

I regretted saying anything as soon as he turned around. The continuous glare he normally held for the floor was now burning into me as I finally had a chance to really look into his piercing, hostile eyes. "What's your name?"

I gulped, all traces of my initial heroics gone. "Bella."

"Bella," he repeated in a clipped tone. "I can't believe I'm already telling you this after just meeting you like two minutes ago, but fuck off." His words did just as much damage as I knew he had intended them to do.

I had no response in me, shocked at his unrealistic anger as I watched him retreat from the room in the same haste he had entered it in, without a single regard of an apology.

I felt entirely as if I was having trouble breathing; as if the atmospheric pressure had suddenly dropped in the room – like a thunderstorm had passed through and left a much colder temperature along with scattered remains in its wake.

I didn't know why he was the way he was, and I probably didn't _want_ to know. He was cold and bitter, and I knew from that moment on, I shouldn't even bother wasting any of my time associating with him and his obvious issues.

He had been so cruel and all I had done was ask an honest question. In fact, I _knew_ I hadn't deserved his response. His harsh words rang in my head. _Fuck off_. I most certainly would fuck off. I couldn't subject myself to the pain he was probably capable of by letting my curiosity get the better of me. I took what just happened with Alice as my warning to stay away and just leave it.

His beautifully twisted face wouldn't leave my mind. And just like how kindergarteners recoiled by tears when any form of malicious words or behavior were directed towards them, I too was fighting the strong urge to cry.

* * *

_In the light of the sun, is there anyone?_  
_Oh, it has begun. . ._  
_Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,_  
_this world you must've crossed, you said,_  
_You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah._  
- Boston, Augustana


	2. High Temperatures

**A/N: **So Edward left you guys a message. If you would like to read it, go to my profile. Thank you _so_ much for all the response to chapter one! I have the story all mapped out in my head, it's just a matter of writing it now. Updates should be coming twice a week, but I apologize in advance if it doesn't end up that way. But it should. For now, at least. Remember, twitter is the easiest way to follow the story's schedule. You can follow me at: _simplydazzling

I decided to keep this story strictly BPOV. Even though it's just as much Edward's journey as it is hers, I want you to be able to experience it through her eyes and perspective. And who knows? EPOV could make a cameo. Just saying. But really, do you think Edward's in any place or mind-set to be a story teller? Exactly.

Thanks a million-bajillion to Mary Beth (the_brunette_writer) for making the chapters so pretty. I'm pretty sure I don't know where I'd be without you, twiny, so thanks for dealing with my always overly scattered brain. (:

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**Chapter Two - High Temperatures**

My tires sloshed loudly in the rain as I pulled into the dreary parking lot of Forks High School. I had mixed feelings about the day ahead of me and wondered idly if the rain was the only thing that was putting a gloomy tone on the start of the day and what I was feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I ran through the maze of cars, attempting to get under shelter before my appearance began to resemble that of a drowned cat. It was a miracle itself that I managed not to fall on my face in the process. Ignoring Alice's previous requests from yesterday about meeting up with her before school started, I headed straight for Trig where I knew she was already waiting for me.

Charlie had come out of nowhere with a surprised breakfast in bed that morning, claiming it was a late homecoming treat he hadn't been able to do before. Graciously accepting his poorly cooked pancakes, I ended up falling behind on my usual morning routine which was the initial cause for my haste to arrive on-time.

I walked into the room, shoes squeaking on the already wet trail on the tiled floor, seconds before the trilling final bell sounded loudly through the empty halls. Alice was sitting in the same spot she had selected yesterday with an empty one next to her. I mustered up a smile as her exhilaratingly bright eyes darted to mine.

The weather clearly didn't affect Alice's always chipper mood. The vibrant colors of her outfit refused to let you frown in her presence as she gave off an incredibly refreshing aura. "Sorry I couldn't meet you this morning, Alice," I apologized. "I was running late."

She grinned, waving a hand dismissively in the air. "No biggie, Bella!" She quickly assured me, pulling out her five billion pound math book from her backpack and plopping it down loudly on her desk. "Oh, and you look super cute today, by the way."

"Thanks," I mumbled as I felt my cheeks burn. I never really did the whole compliment thing. Correction: I never really_ got_ compliments in the first place. My appearance was never really my top priority so I rarely put any effort into it at all. There would be the occasional days that I felt it was necessary for a _small_ touch of mascara, but more often than not I was completely content in blue jeans and a simple blouse. I rarely had a need to dress up, so I rarely did. "So do you," I smiled back, quickly pushing away my own awkwardness on the subject.

Alice chatted throughout the whole class, providing enough conversation for the both of us combined. I was surprised to discover that it was exceptionally easy, listening to her and working on math problems at the same time. It was actually amazing how multitasking worked and how much I managed to accomplish in the fifty minute period. I waved goodbye to Alice as soon as we stepped into the hallway, promising her I'd see her at lunch.

I walked to my English class in a mood far better than I had begin with this morning, refusing to let anything result in faltering the smile I wore behind the impassively grim line of my mouth.

I took my seat in the middle of the classroom like I had yesterday, glancing around the room warily as the bell rang for any signs of his messy bronze hair. Just like yesterday, Mr. Banner frowned at the silence that proceeded to follow his attendance call for Edward Cullen, failing to receive back the 'here' everyone else was able to produce. _Did this boy ever show up for school_?

-oOo-

Lunch was easier than it had been yesterday. Now that I knew the names of everyone, I felt slightly more comfortable than I had before. Yet, I still remained as unsettled as ever. Sure I knew names, but personalities and attitudes were a whole different story. I began to worry that the process of easing in would be more difficult than I originally intended.

As soon as I set foot in the cafeteria, it took Alice a grand total of about 0.7 seconds to notice my presence. Just like yesterday, she enthusiastically waved me over as her piggy-tails bounced along with her.

"Bella, I promise you we don't bite." Jasper assured me before I could even sit all the way down in my seat. I hated the fact that my discomfort was so blatantly obvious. I met his gaze directly and offered him a half smile. "I'm serious! Why do you always look like you're scared out of your shoes?"

I liked Jasper. He seemed warm. I certainly wasn't surprised at how well he and Alice got along. In fact, I would have been surprised had they _not_ been together. I shrugged at him, trying to come off as casual. "Guess I'm just naturally timid," I confessed with a slight frown.

"Well I'll say," I heard Rosalie's acidic voice from across the table as she gave me an exasperated look, boredom evident. "What was your name again? Sorry, I forgot."

Slightly offended yet unabashed, I straightened my chin, bravely locking my eyes with hers. "It's Bella. And don't worry," I paused, matching the flatness of her tone. "It happens all the time, Rosaleen."

I expected another one of her infamously snippy glares, but I was caught off guard in the most surprising way when her twisted expression suddenly spread into an amused smirk. "You know what, Bella? I guess you're alright."

"Rosalie Hale is _accepting_ someone? Babe, I never thought I'd see the day." Emmett proclaimed loudly, making a big deal to display his genuine shock and mock pride. "I told you it was gonna be a new year."

She narrowed her eyes at him, quickly directing her attention away from me once again. I had a feeling that with Rosalie, receiving even the smallest kind of recognition was rare and when it happened, a big deal. Alice gave me a look indicating that my wistful thinking was correct.

"Emmett," she hissed menacingly. "If that's how you wanna think about it then fine. But remember, _babe_," she picked up the apple on her tray, twirling it around in her slender fingers before pressing it to her mouth and taking a seductive bite out of it. "A new year could mean lots of things. You know, maybe we should start following our virtues and listening to the big man in the sky about abstinence. Your mom _has_ been trying to get you to church lately."

Emmett's face resembled that of a child on Christmas morning who had opened up all of his presents only to find out that none of them were what he had wanted to receive. The way his jaw literally dropped at her threatening words was actually comical. I disguised my quiet laughter with a poor attempt at a cough.

"That's what I thought," she muttered smugly before taking another bite out of her dark red apple. I was beginning to understand what Alice had meant when she had warned me that Rosalie could be lethal when she wanted to be.

While I may not have impacted or sparked the interest of any of the table's occupants, I wasn't exactly unwelcome there either. Regardless of the fact that the lives of Rosalie and the others could happily go on without me being there, I was content in knowing that I had yet to make any enemies just yet.

I suffered through both Spanish and A.P. History in a daze, walking to Biology and holding in the urge to yawn every five seconds. No doubt had the dreary weather resurfaced once again in affecting my less than pleasant attitude. What I really wanted was to go home, curl up on the couch with a hot cup of apple cider, and read some Jane Eyre.

Eyes half closed, I dropped my backpack down on the floor next to my empty lab table. I actually ended up folding my arms across the top of the black surface, resting my head on them as I allowed my eyes to fall shut just a few moments before the bell rang.

For some instinctive reason, I felt the need to glance up at the door the same second it flew open. In a mild haste, Edward Cullen entered through the door with his gaze plastered towards the floor as usually seemed to be.

For reasons I just couldn't fathom, my eyes were entranced in his direction, refusing to allow my stare to falter in any way. Edward just always seemed to have the uncanny ability to stand out in whatever environment he was in. Like a brand new golf ball in the middle of a lush green fairway, or the way your eyes were immediately drawn to a flashing fluorescent sign.

His hair resembled the exact same appearance it had yesterday; the copper strands of his hair flew wildly around his face, surely the productivity of his constantly active hands. The stubble on his jawline appeared even more evident than it had since I had last caught a glimpse of him. With his eyes still glued to the floor, I couldn't study what his condition seemed to be today.

It took me longer than it should have to process the fact that he was in my class, which confused me. Apparently I wasn't aware that school-skipping potheads met the academic curriculum standards to be accepted into an AP Biology class.

To my horror, it occurred to me that he was walking in my direction as I suddenly came to an upsetting realization that the only open seat in the crowded classroom was currently the unoccupied space beside me.

Sure enough, I was correct in my assumption. Without so much as a word of acknowledgement, he pulled out the chair next to me and sat down, placing his bag in front of him on the table and inclining himself in his chair into a more relaxed position. He never once indicated that their was a human being next to him.

The bell unwillingly pulled me from my gaze in his direction, forcing me to look up front. "I know it's only the second day," Mrs. Snow began as she slowly paced in the front of the classroom. "But I'm not having us waste any time, so we'll just jump into things right away." She retrieved a thick stack of papers from off her desk and began passing them out. "This is an introductory worksheet into the unit we're going to be starting: genetics. I want you and your partner to work together on this so you get to know each other better. A majority of this class will be done with your lab partner, so I suggest you try and be civil with each other."

I resisted the strong urge to groan. It might have been unfair of me to make such quick assumptions about his working ethics, but I was fairly confident that I had gathered enough information to put two and two together. Considering all things that had happened in the last two non-eventful days, I knew that Edward was most likely not going to be the most favorable of lab partners.

The amount of time between when she placed the worksheet on our table and when one of us actually chose to say something was substantially painful. The blank sheet laid on the table in the space between us as my mouth blurted the first thing I was thinking without warning.

"So, do you ever show up to class?" I asked him rather bluntly, kicking myself internally as soon as I realized what an obscenely rude question that was to ask someone you've never actually met. I grimaced apologetically as I awaited his sure-to-be irritated response, biting my lip.

For the first time since he had walked into the room, his gaze raised to meet mine. He appeared to be amused, but I really couldn't tell. I was too distracted by the startling difference in his eyes. "I wasn't aware that my attendance was being monitored." The rims around them weren't as red today, but they were still fairly bloodshot.

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, very aware of his apparent scrutiny. His eyes appeared to be studying me, never removing his gaze from mine. I felt paralyzed. His stare was unnerving. I could feel the color work its way to my cheeks and knew that Edward noticed it too as I watched a slightly amused smirk just barely cross his lips.

"Why weren't you here yesterday?" I managed to get out, reluctantly breaking our odd stare down and tearing my eyes away from his. I directed my gaze to the worksheet we were currently supposed to be working on, relieved that I was no longer obligated to look at him.

But when I became agitated that he wasn't answering my questions, I glanced at him once again, and to my horror, found him still staring intently in my direction. "I don't know," he finally answered with a casual shrug before looking away again. My impressions on the kind of person Edward Cullen was were certainly not improving.

Knowing the way Emmett was and also well aware of the type of person Alice was, I wondered with profound curiosity what drove Edward to be so entirely different from the two of them. Why he was so seemingly bound to failure. The more I looked at him though, the more I noticed. His foot bounced rapidly up and down like he physically wasn't able to sit still. I glanced at his hands, noticing the torn off, jagged edges of his nails, no doubt the sign of constant biting. Even from just studying the side of his face I noticed there was a certain sadness in his eyes that was almost startling. It made me wonder if there was actually a remotely deep reason why he chose to put so many harmful chemicals into his system.

"You look tired," I observed unthinkingly. The deep bags under his eyes were similar to what they had resembled yesterday and were impossible not to notice, even more so now that I was up much closer to him.

His face remained expressionless as he pursed his lips. "You and your observations. I suppose there _is_ a reason you're in this class, huh?" He rolled his eyes as his sarcasm came out sharp and the same irritation from yesterday rapidly began to resurface as his face slowly came to life.

Caught off guard by his sudden mood shift, I switched tactics, refreshing him with another introduction since I was fairly positive yesterday's wasn't something he remembered."I'm Bella, by the way," I said as I ignored the way he seemed to want nothing to do with my conversation.

I didn't care what his issues were, I didn't care about why smoking weed to him was more important than maintaining school attendance, but I _did_ care that his participation in this class would affect _my_ grade. Mrs. Snow had made it as clear as crystal that partner work in class would be something we needed to prioritize. In other words, if him not wanting to speak to me was going to in any way harm my GPA, that was just too damn bad for him.

If only I had the courage to tell him that in so many words. It was embarrassing, really; the inability to form simple sentences under the spotlight of his mere presence.

"Edward Cullen," he told me in a flat voice before reaching a hand up to rub over his exhausted eyes. "And yeah, I am tired." His gaze that had been on me for the majority of the conversation suddenly flickered down towards the pencil lying on the desk, instantly filling me with relief that I was no longer his main focus. "You have no idea."

I looked away, silently shaking my head in awe at what extremely different temperatures his mood seemed to consist of. One minute, he was burning over a hundred with a lethal glare in response to an honest statement. The next he was verging on hypothermia with a sense of some eternal struggle he seemingly held for himself. It wasn't evident whether he was feeling self-pity, self-hatred, or just hatred in general. Maybe all three – I really couldn't tell.

Edward was one of the very few people here who was hard to read. There was one thing though that I was absolutely positive of. This year was going to be an incredibly long one unless I figured out what had him so on edge all of the time.

He didn't exactly seem too eager to continue where the conversation was going (which was nowhere), so I gave up in my hopes of perusing it. It was damn obvious that me talking to him would only strain his tolerance even more than it already was. Besides, I didn't want to be the one that pushed him to his high temperatures. I actually intended on keeping good on the whole 'no enemy' thing this year. If talking to him as little as possible meant staying on his very rare good side then I guess that's what I'd do.

I sighed silently to myself. Theoretically, that would have been an easy plan to stick to, had the urge to talk to him not been so potent. I couldn't quite fathom what about him was so interesting, but the fact was, his mysterious pull was practically unavoidable. He was like one of those books you saw in the library; the one with the extremely eccentric cover and vague summary that basically forced you to read the book whether you wanted to or not, _just_ so you could figure out what the hell it was about.

The rest of class consisted of finishing our worksheet. The only time either of us would talk was when we found the answer to a particular problem. The silence was almost painful. I mean, I was no Alice, but sometimes just a little casual conversation was nice.

Whenever I was sure he wasn't looking, I'd glance over at him. He was constantly touching his face; running his hands through his hair, rubbing his eyes, tapping his fingers repeatedly on the desk. As Edward turned to face me once again with a funny expression crossing his face, I had this sudden fear that it would be impossible for me to ever keep up with him.

"You're new here, right?" He asked as he pursed his lips. I wasn't sure whether he was actually trying to figure something out or if it was merely just the amount of THC coursing through his bloodstream at the moment.

"Yes," I answered, "I just moved here a few weeks ago from Phoenix." Why I was explaining my exceptionally boring life to him, I wasn't sure. He _seemed_ interested enough.

"Why?" He asked casually. The tapping of his fingers increased as my eyes followed his rapid up and down movements on the black tabletop.

"Um, I don't know," I replied vaguely, nervously pulling at the sleeves of my brown sweater as I cautiously continued to watch him.

He shook his head with a slight look of disgust. "Well that's stupid." He stated, doing another one-eighty on me. I suddenly backtracked on whether or not I had said something wrong. Why did my simple responses always seem to get such a reaction from him?

"Excuse me?" I responded in confusion. He stopped his finger tapping abruptly and looked away from me, out the window into the dreary rain as if he were deliberately refusing to meet my questioning gaze.

"You don't know why you came here? That's stupid." He replied tersely. So the 'I don't know' card was acceptable only when it was used by him? I was sick of trying to be civilized with his less than desirable attitude.

This clearly wasn't working. I was at a loss as to what I was supposed to say to him and my irritation only continued to grow. Frustrated with how he was acting, I squared my chin, looking directly at him as I narrowed my eyes. "Stupid, huh? That's nice. You're really one to talk."

He stared at me as if he had no idea what I was referring to before finally, an incredibly hostile look crossed his face. He must have easily read my intentions because suddenly, he was unleashing his capably lethal glare. "I don't want you to try and figure me out okay? I've got enough people trying to dissect me like a fucking science experiment, so don't."

"I wasn't–" I began to stutter helplessly, amazed at how quickly he could just turn the tables like that. Any motives behind standing up for myself were cut off abruptly by the look he was now giving me.

"Bella, you seem nice. I'm not. Don't think otherwise." Moments after he finished his statement, the bell rang. Edward stared at me for mere seconds before standing up abruptly, slamming his chair back against the table, and sauntering quickly out the door before anyone else.

Not nice? Well that was for damn sure.

-oOo-

I tapped my pencil quietly against the math book I had placed neatly in my crossed legs, biting my lip. I studied the amount of time that had gone by on the clock since my initial anxiety began, deciding that I had tortured myself long enough.

Alice opted for a study session with me after school since Jazz had baseball practice. I had promptly volunteered my house as our location. After the struggle my last class of the day had been, I knew that the last thing I wanted was to have to face him again.

She sat across from me on my bed, a thoughtful expression on her face as she pursed her lips in attempts to solve her Trig homework. "Alice," I began cautiously, glancing over at her knowing very well that I'd probably regret asking. "What's wrong with Edward?"

She looked up at me through her long lashes without so much as blinking. "So much, Bella. If you really wanted to get in on that topic – which you don't – the discussion of his issues would most likely take us well into the night."

And for the first time since I had met her, Alice looked. . .exhausted. Like the subject of her cousin brought along a certain weariness to her otherwise perfect attitude. I shrugged, "I _think_ he's in two of my classes. I don't – I mean. . .well, I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to say around him and what I'm not."

She chuckled sadly, setting down her pink mechanical pencil before finally meeting my gaze directly. "It's not that I don't want to tell you, Bella, I promise. I'm just worried about some things. It's nothing," she lied hopelessly.

"What things?" I asked with a soft, assuring glance, refusing to come off as rude for wanting to know more about her family and prying the way I was. I didn't want to make her upset by asking certain questions, so I remained as careful as I could.

She stared at me for a few moments, her face somber. Finally, she sighed. "I don't want you to get your hopes up, that's all."

Get my hopes up? For what? It was very unlike Alice to be vague, no matter what topic we were discussing. The rarity of getting her to be silent about something only made me want to know so much more. "Alice, I'm not sure I understand. . ."

She laughed quietly, though it didn't touch her eyes like it normally did. "I know, Bella, and I know Edward. He's the kind of mystery guy you end up trying to know whether you want to or not. He has this way of drawing people to him. It's weird, I know. I'm just worried, you know, you're gonna. . ." She trailed off with a frown.

"Fall for him?" I asked incredulously. "God no, Alice! I really don't think you should worr–"

"That's not what I meant," she quickly backtracked. "I'm worried you're gonna want to try and fix him up. He's not exactly the most happy person right now, and he's going through a lot – he's not much of a confessor and I'm worried if people start trying to get him to talk, it's gonna hurt him more than he already is hurting."

I had been curious about Edward Cullen this morning, but it had been easily ignorable. I had been curious about Edward Cullen as soon as I left the Biology classroom, but I managed to get over it. I was now curious about Edward Cullen more than was entirely sane, and knew that if I didn't figure out what the hell Alice was referring to soon, it'd be the death of me.

"Alice," I told her honestly, being as blatant as I could with my intentions. "All I want is to know what his problem is. That's all. I just want to know." I stretched out my syllables longer than entirely necessary so I'd get my point across to her better.

I was unprepared for her next statement to catch me so completely off guard. "About a year and a half ago both his parents were killed in a car accident." My throat became as dry as a desert as I remained silent. "Edward was in the car too. There had been a driver of a semi who fell asleep at the wheel. He was in the opposite lane but shifted over at the last second." She paused for a long moment, her eyes staring off blankly into space. "They were found dead – their bodies shielded protectively over Edward in attempts to save him who had been unconscious. Edward was in a coma for a little over a week before he finally came back around."

A long moment of silence passed. "That's terrible," My voice cracked. "What happened after that?"

"I was living in Jacksonville at the time. Edward's the oldest in the family and had only been sixteen and Em's only eleven months younger than him so they needed a legal guardian. My mom and dad, Carlisle and Esme, agreed to come here and live with them and take custody." The look on her face indicated that the worst part of the story was over.

"That's really nice of them," I observed out loud. She looked a little more relaxed than she had been a few minutes ago which made me relieved. I hated to make her feel uncomfortable in any way since she was always more than nice to me.

She shrugged with a small smile. "It's what family does. Besides," she continued. "Someone needs to take care of Seth."

Speaking of Seth, I still needed to meet that kid. Based on the polar opposite differences between his two brothers, I wondered what he would be like. Would he have bronze hair like Edward? Or maybe dimples like Emmett?

"So that's why Edward is how he is now," I concluded quietly.

She sadly nodded her head in confirmation, remorse very evident on her face. "The killer part though is what he used to be. Edward used to be the sweetest guy you'd ever meet. His grades were all well above average, he cared about sports, and he maintained steady popularity throughout all his years in school. He's always been high up on the latter of success, and after the accident it's like he started to climb down. He's not climbing down it anymore though, he's falling."

I considered the Edward Alice had just described. I imagined what his accented features would look like when he actually cracked a genuine smile. I imagined the image of a carefree Edward; one who showed up on time to class every day – the captain of every sports team; the golden boy with everything to look forward to in life.

It was easy to fall in love with the imagine in my head I had created of him, and I suddenly realized what Alice had meant by resisting the urge to make him like that once again, to try and 'fix him up.'

"Carlisle's a doctor, isn't he?" I pressed persistently. "Hasn't he tried to get him on some sort of medication or something? I mean, I don't think weed's the type of drug Edward needs to get better." More like anti-depressant medication that was actually prescribed by a legitimate doctor and _not_ the loser drop-out from under the gym bleachers.

She sighed, shaking her head with a grim expression. "See, Bella? See what I mean now? It's an appealing idea, isn't it? – getting him back on track. We _all_ want him back. In fact, there's no one who misses him more than Emmett, though you would never guess that. Since Emmett and Edward are so close in age, they've always been each other's best friend. Now that all Edward does is spend his time lighting up, Emmett wants nothing to do with him."

"So that's it then?" I couldn't hide the blatant shock I'm sure she noticed to. "He's just gonna be like this for the rest of his life? Alice, do you realize how much harm he's inflicting on himself every time he inhales?"

Alice finally looked up again, eyes glistening with unshed tears. "I _know_ that," she managed to choke out in a whisper. She shut her eyes. "He's a lost cause, Bella. We don't know what to do and he won't let us help. There's nothing we _can_ do."

The last thing I expected to come from the day was managing to end up feeling sorry for Edward Cullen, the asshole pothead who acted like a jerk to just about everyone who dared cross paths with him.

But I did feel sorry for him.

Not only did I feel sorry for him, but I hated him. Hated him for making me spend all my time contemplating what was going on inside the brain cells he continued to kill off each day by god only knew how many dangerous fumes he chose to put into his system.

But most of all, I hated him for completely disregarding the feelings of his family in the process of his own self destruction.

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_And the shadow of the day,  
Will embrace the world in grey.  
And the sun will set for you.  
_- Shadow Of the Day, Linkin Park

**Chapter 3 will be posted on Wednesday for sure.**

**Please leave some reviews? They make me want to write. (:**


	3. Reflections

**A/N: ****Edward left you all another message. Yup. Check my profile. (: You guys are so fun. Srsly. You're allstars. You should know how smilely I get when I'm reading your reviews. Imagine getting a hug from Rob. Yeah. That's how they make me feel. So, you know, pat yourselves all on the back and what not, because rarely is anything ever equivalent to _that_ magnitude of emotions.**

**You know who else you should pat on the back? Mary Beth. No, seriously. Drop her some love because without her, you'd all be wanting to throw pointy sticks at me with all of my spontaneous errors.**

**Disclaimer: Twilight's not mine. -sigh-**

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"Bella it's what we _do_ Friday nights. You can't just _not_ come with us!" She made a big scene of sticking out her pouty bottom lip with a pleading look plastered on her adorably angelic face. So not fair.

I tried to think of a legitimate excuse but failed rather miserably. "I. . .uh. . .um. . ." was all that seemed to come out of my mouth. I was putty in her incredibly capable hands. She worked the lip just a little longer before I finally just gave in and sighed. "Fine. Fine, I'll go."

"Yay! Okay, good!" She squealed. I actually was expecting her to dance around the room in a little touchdown dance. "Rosalie's coming over in a little bit to get ready for the game and I'm sure she'll want to help me with your hair and stuff."

I really doubted the sincerity behind that statement. The last thing Rosalie Hale probably wanted to do was my hair. "Why does my hair need to be helped with?"

She immediately saw where I was going with this and quickly shifted gears into reverse, pulling out that damn lip again. "Come _on_, Bella. Please? I've never had a sister to do make-overs with. It won't be anything major," she promised me hopefully. "Just a little somethin' somethin' to let your selection know you're available."

I stared at her incredulously, seriously beginning to debate on whether faking an illness was a good enough excuse out of this mess. "Alice, really, that's the _last _thing I want–"

"Fine, no boys," she compromised with a small frown before quickly rebounding with a grin. "It'll just be for fun; in honor of your first Forks baseball game. It's not like you need any make-up or anything anyways though. You're just naturally pretty."

_Pretty_ wasn't exactly a word I ever associated myself with. I wasn't one of those girls who sat in front of the mirror for an hour every night, contemplating all of their flaws. I just. . .never really considered myself much more than a plain Jane. "Really?" I asked, my voice full of disbelief.

Confusion flashed in her eyes as her smile faltered ever so slightly. "Do you not consider yourself pretty or something, Bella?" Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

I stared at my feet. There was really no right way to answer that question. I let her take my no response how she wanted and suddenly, she was pulling me across her room and into her spacious bathroom.

I let my eyes scan the thousands of products she had set out on her vanity, contemplating on an estimation of how much time and money she spent on it all. I came to the conclusion that the amount was _just_ a little more than a lot.

"When I was fifteen," she began as she stared into the reflection of the large mirror hanging over her sink. "I was really self-conscious. I always dreaded going out in public because I thought I was the most repulsive thing I'd ever seen." It was hard to imagine an Alice that was anything but outgoing. "I realize how stupid it was now but back then, I was so dead-set on the fact that I wasn't pretty. It was a terrible phase." She informed me as she shook her head sadly at herself.

"My family and I spent a good month of our summer here and it was when my self-esteem was at its absolute lowest. I never really talked about it with anyone ever," she paused as her voice became an octave softer. "But I guess Edward's always just had this way of figuring people out." She let out a sad half-laugh before she knelt down, reaching into the cabinets and pulling out a small mirror.

I stared at the simplicity of it, wondering how the average household item had anything to do with Edward. "I found this on my guest bed one morning." She handed me the mirror which I was just noticing now had a yellow post-it note stuck onto it. I squinted my eyes, reading what it said.

_So Alice can always see how pretty she is_.

I stared at the black sharpied script that had been printed messily on the plain piece of faded yellow paper. Why Alice needed any assurance in her looks was beyond me, but that wasn't what had me suddenly speechless. It was the handwriting and who I was certain it belonged to.

"Every time I'd feel badly about myself, I'd just look into this mirror." She explained fondly, staring at the small mirror in my hands in complete adoration. "And it'd always make me feel better." Her smile faltered into a slight frown as her gaze flickered up to mine before falling back to the mirror. "Now I guess I just look at it for the memories of what he used to be."

I was positive that the shock was very clearly evident on my face. "Edward gave you this?" I knew the tone in my voice came out as an insult in his direction and also knew that my shock from what she was telling me was a slam against his character. It wasn't a slam though, it was entirely shock. It was just so. . .overwhelmingly unexpected.

She sighed, still gazing blankly into the reflection before her. Her thoughts were somewhere far off judging by her glassy stare, remembering some childhood memory I knew she probably held as a reminder of what the mirror consisted of. "I know it's hard to believe now," she told me quietly. "But he really was great."

I found myself believing her words a hundred percent, which almost scared me. "I believe you."

As I stared into the reflection, I tried to see beyond the simple reflection and picture once again the person who belonged to the cold shadow he'd left behind. I looked, but saw nothing.

-oOo-

Rosalie came over no more than a half hour later and just as I had predicted from the beginning, was not overly thrilled with Alice signing her up for hair duty. But since Alice wouldn't allow me any more protest, I grudgingly accepted my pointless makeover just like Rosalie grudgingly accepted the participation she was forced to comply with.

I was really not an active partaker in their conversations. They mainly consisted of a back and forth switch from Emmett to Jasper. Both being the all star athletes those boys were, I expected seriously amazing things by the end of the hour-long gloating session I had to endure on the behalf of their adoring girlfriends.

Alice borrowed me some apparel so I would be, in her exact words, 'decked out' in school spirit. The unflattering clash of the obnoxious blue and mustard yellow was about the most unappealing two colors anyone could ever choose to symbolize a school. Alice seemed to ignore that obvious fact as she refused to let anything stand in the way of her peppy attitude.

Since it was homecoming though, I had grudgingly obliged to wear the hideous clothing. In all honesty, I really just didn't want to deal with another session of Alice pleading. It was extremely easy to decipher how the girl got what she wanted.

I was unsure whether or not Edward was in the house because I spent a majority of my time there locked up in Alice's bedroom. I was guessing the odds were in his favor and that since it was a Friday night, he probably wasn't.

The three of us rode to the game in Rosalie's cherry-apple red BMW convertible. It was almost as over the top as Alice's yellow Porsche but then again, Rosalie Hale was the epitome of the phrase "over the top." Who _were_ these people for Christ's sake anyways? This was _Forks, Washington_. Who drove expensive sports cars that belonged to Hollywood occupants in such a tiny, rainy town?

I ignored their excessive chatter once again as my eyes drifted out the window in the direction of the passing scenery. The sun was already beginning to dip below the horizon, which was saying something itself since the sun rarely made an appearance in this town ever.

It was one of those occasionally nice nights out that had everyone buzzing with good vibes filling the otherwise dreary air. In fact, when we walked to take our seats above the dugout, it almost felt like the crowds cheery smiles were infectious.

I spotted Jasper and Emmett out on the field, sporting the same dreadful colors everyone else in the crowd was as they effortlessly threw a baseball back and forth to each other for warm up.

Once the game started, I admittedly felt out of place being there. This wasn't my type of thing and the whole time I was watching the game I was wishing I could have been curled up on my couch at home, reading a book.

That wasn't to say I didn't get into the game at all though and enjoy myself at least a little bit. I laughed along with Alice whenever Jasper would shoot her a cheerful expression, loving the way her eyes would light up like Christmas lights whenever he looked at her. I cheered when the team did something good, I booed when the umpires made a bad call. I even attempted to sing along with the frequent pep cheers the crowd would often erupt into at every chance they got.

The eighth inning was just starting to begin when I spotted _him_.

I had been glancing around when I noticed a flash of bronze out of the corner of my eye. The only reason I noticed him in the first place was because he had that odd, magnetic pull surrounding him. He himself was the giant red magnet while my eyes seemed to be the metal objects that were automatically drawn to him. I always seemed to have to look.

He was at least a hundred yards away with his back in my direction. I was a little frustrated that I wasn't able to see his face since he seemed to be in the middle of a pretty intense conversation. He was talking to a girl with hair the color of a fresh carrot. It was in furiously angry curls that draped well down her back.

I kept my eyes on them throughout their conversation, wanting nothing more than to know what kinds of words were being exchanged. I wouldn't have guessed him to be the type that was able to find someone tolerable enough to hold a conversation with his erratically insane mood swings.

He was there one moment and the next he suddenly wasn't. Redhead started walking in our direction, not stopping as she passed in front of us and continued on to what I was presuming to be the exit. Even though I really wasn't one to talk, she didn't exactly strike me as the participating in school activities kind of girl.

"Hey, Alice," I turned to her curiously. Both her eyebrows raised in response as she waited for me to go on. "Who was that girl? The one with the really orange hair? I haven't seen her in school at all."

Immediately she knew who I was talking about. A tart look crossed her face and she pursed her lips as if she had just sucked on a lemon. "That would be Victoria. You wouldn't have seen her at school because she rarely makes an appearance there." She narrowed her eyes as she turned her gaze back to the game before us. "She's pretty much the school's drug dealer."

The conversation that I had just been dying to hear was suddenly very predictable after what Alice had just shared with me. School drug dealer, huh? Well I guess that made an overwhelming amount of sense in context to what both of them had seemed to be so apparently interested in while conversing.

I didn't say anymore on the subject. I didn't want to burden Alice that way – not tonight.

I ended up getting home just after ten once the game was finished. I found Charlie where I knew I would, in his old recliner with the remote in one hand and a beer in the other. He looked up at me as he heard me enter the room. I stood in the doorway, leaning casually against the frame.

"Hey, Bells," he smiled warmly. "Have a nice time?" In a way, living with Charlie was so much more of a relief than it had ever been with Renee. Since I didn't exactly go out much, whenever I did I was drilled with hundreds of pointlessly irrelevant questions afterwards. Charlie kept it simple, only asking the minimum.

"Yeah, it was fun," I responded honestly, fiddling with the sleeves of Alice's over-sized gold hoodie as I continued to stand there. "We won."

"Good, good," he took a sip of the can in his hand before pressing on with a pleased sigh. "Our baseball team is one of the best in the state. It makes up for all the other sports your classmates fail at," he teased with a pointed smirk, like it was suppose to be some huge shocker that a town so small could only produce a few individuals with genuine athleticism.

"Nice, Dad," I commented with an eye roll. "Well, I'm probably gonna turn in early tonight."

"Seriously?" He asked me in a surprised tone. "It's Friday, Bella."

I actually was exhausted, but since I wasn't able to produce a yawn when it was required, I had to attempt a fake one. "Yeah, it's just been a long week that's all." I admitted truthfully. "I thought I'd just call it a day."

Still looking slightly perplexed, he finally just shrugged and diverted his attention back to the TV. "Alright, Bells. Whatever works for you I guess. Night," he told me with a yawn of his own before I dismissed myself from the room all together.

-oOo-

I admittedly spent a majority of my weekend trying as hard as I possibly could _not_ to consider or think about anything in relation to Edward. I took whatever distraction I could and made sure he was always in the back of my mind and the farthest place from my anxious thoughts. I never would have guessed that avoiding thinking about someone would be so difficult.

Each day that passed, the more truth Alice's statement would hold. _He's the kind of mystery guy you end up trying to know whether you want to or not_. She was right, of course. I was still puzzled as to why I had doubted her so much at the time she had said it.

I focused most of my time on cooking meals for Charlie. Before I had moved in, the man had been living off frozen dinners for about the last seventeen years. I had scolded him quite severely once I figured out that particular bit of information, and promised to take over all duties involving meal time.

Alice had spent her weekend in blissful happiness with Jasper, giving me a nice window to take the time and enjoy my first weekend off in whatever way I wanted to. I almost worried that had been a bad idea. The more time I had alone to myself, the more time I would think. The more time I would think, I'd have to spend even _more_ time trying not to think about _him_.

It was silly, really. Beyond silly, even. Why this boy created such a strange reaction from me I don't think I would ever know. The only explanation I had for my behavior was curiosity. That excuse could only take me so far, I realized, and shortly after my realization came to the conclusion that it was more than just curiosity.

I didn't want to figure out Edward, I needed to. And maybe once I did, this crazy obsession over him would go away. I wasn't obsessed with him though, I was obsessed with finding out the actual person he was, which scared me even more. _Why did I want to know him so badly?_

-oOo-

Monday rolled along and Edward showed up to English but not Bio.

Tuesday was the opposite, showing up in Bio and not English.

Wednesday he wasn't there at all.

Thursday he wasn't there at all.

It was a pattern of inconsistency, lack of communication, and mainly just general avoidance.

Alice continued being more than nice to me and I never brought up the subject of her cousin. Rosalie gave me flickers of occasional friendliness but mostly remained the girl you didn't want to rub the wrong way. Emmett was as easy to get along with as Alice, and Jasper was becoming a good friend of mine as well.

Friday morning in Trig, Alice had invited me over for pizza at the Cullen's, insisting it was something they're family did every Friday there _wasn't_ a baseball game. I obliged without hesitation, realizing that I had yet to meet either one of her parents or her infamous other cousin she always spoke so highly of.

I wasn't in the least bit surprised when I walked into English and his messy mop was nowhere to be found. I was surprised, however, when exactly five minutes after the bell, he sauntered in through the door with a less than pleasant expression.

"Ah, Mr. Cullen," Mr. Banner exclaimed tautly, "It is quite an honor that you've chosen to grace us with your presence today since it seems to be such a rare occurrence." Edward patently ignored him in a way only he could, refusing to meet Mr. Banner's angry expression.

His seat was directly two rows away from mine and I watched with my eyes intently on him as he plopped himself down loudly in his desk, shuffling through his faded navy backpack and pulling out numerous papers and his folder.

"I hope you realize," he went on to lecture Edward in front of the eagerly watching class. "The consequences of being marked truant every other day of the week. This is not an elective, Mr. Cullen, and I do hope you realize how easily your removal could be."

This time, Edward actually looked up. He met his gaze head on and I suddenly dreaded what was about to leave his mouth, more than familiar with the angry set of his jaw. "Yes, I realize that, thank you." He stated curtly. "But I really don't think that would be a necessary adjustment, Mr. Banner, considering my grade point average is well above perfect. Thank you for the reminder though."

The two glared at each other for a long moment before Mr. Banner promptly continued on with his lecture before the interruption as if it hadn't just happened. He was right about kicking Edward out of the class but at the same time, Edward had a point as well. As long as Edward really was maintaining the grades he had so graciously shared, it shouldn't matter that showing up for class wasn't a mandatory thing for him.

To my extreme relief, the whole hour went by as merely silent work time. We were doing a lot of prep writing in preparation for a big essay we were going to begin next week; writing down ideas we had, concepts to consider, and getting ready for beginning the essay come next Monday.

The only time I had talked to Edward that week was when we had been forced to work on a lab together in Bio and even _then_, barely anything was said between the two of us. Wanting to talk to him was always the strongest urge I possessed, but never something I actually succeeded in. I was always too afraid to try. Besides, it wasn't like he himself was starting up a friendly conversation about how my day had been going. The chances of that happening were very near laughable.

Lunch was quieter than usual, though I think that was just because of how long the week had seemingly dragged on. Since Alice had picked me up this morning she opted that I just meet her out by her car after school.

Spanish was uneventful as it always was. Mike from the lunch table sat next to me everyday and always made good efforts in starting an interesting conversation with me. Unfortunately, he never exactly succeeded and his persistence would sometimes get to the point of serious irritation on my behalf.

In theory, he was an extremely nice guy. Alice even threw out the idea of the two of us dating a few times. Of course I quickly shot down _that_ particular idea, less than thrilled with her wanting to play match-maker.

In my haste to get away from Mike, I arrived to Biology earlier than I usually did. For the first time in the two weeks of school, I wasn't the first one at my lab table.

Edward was staring out the window, his chin resting on the palm of his hand. He didn't so much as move an inch when I sat down at first but a few seconds later, he slowly turned his gaze to mine. It almost looked like he was surprised to see me sitting there.

I gasped. Edward was sober.

He looked so sad. Lips turned down slightly into an unconscious frown, his readable green eyes told of unspeakable pain. The very profound bags under them only enhanced his miserable appearance. So this is what normal Edward looked like. He almost hurt to look at.

Before I could get a greeting out of my mouth like I intended to, he was sighing loudly as his forehead creased. "You know what I hate?" The irritation in his voice wasn't hard to miss.

Well that was sure unexpected. I was guessing many things. Stunned that he was even speaking to me in the first place, my response was rather pathetic being caught so entirely off guard. "No," I squeaked, "What?"

The way he redundantly continued to run his hand through his hair, completely unaware of the further catastrophe he was creating with his very urgent fingers was distracting. "Teachers," he responded with an unpleasant grimace.

I pursed my lips, trying to ignore just how pretty Edward's eyes really were head on. "Why?" I asked him curiously, though I was fairly certain I already had a pretty good idea of some legitimate reasons he might.

He paused for a moment, then squinted his eyes and pressed his lips together like he was really trying to figure something out. Blinking once, he moved his absentminded stare to the blacktop as his fingers continued to rake through his hair. "They're all just heartless assholes. Goddamn skeptical, disregarding assholes. . ." he continued to mutter a string of strong profanities before his voice trailed off completely.

To say I was able to follow whatever it was he was talking about would have been a stretch. Yeah. I may have been having the slightest bit of difficulty following his sudden declaration. What was I suppose to say in response? _Yeah, I agree_ wouldn't work, because I completely disagreed. I had never once had any conflicts with teachers and planned to keep it that way. So I really couldn't relate to whatever it was he was mumbling about.

I frowned and bit my lip. "Why?" I repeated, realizing that I may have been asking too much from him. I couldn't help it, I was just so sick of how _quiet_ our table always was.

A look of disgust crossed his face as he glared at me unexpectedly. He let out a quiet, humorless chuckle as he shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair for the _billionth freaking time_. "You're just like them, huh?" He practically sneered. "God, you don't know how fucking frustrating that is, Bella."

I couldn't believe the words that had just left my mouth. _Me_? Being _frustrating_? I was immediately about to come to my own defense before I realized something. Yelling at him wouldn't do any good. As much as it would make _me_ feel better, it would just get him further pissed and he'd go another week without so much as a glance in my direction.

I sighed, exhausted. "How frustrating _what_ is, Edward?" Why was it so hard to say his damn name? It was just a name. I was getting angry with myself for being so entirely flustered in his presence. "I'm not trying to make you upset, I just can't understand what you're saying when you're always being so vague."

I expected him to just continue to sneer at me like he already was. Much to my surprise, a slightly apologetic expression crossed his tired face. Well, as apologetic as Edward could be. "What's frustrating," he began slowly, and I was unsure on whether or not he was mocking me. "Is how everyone's always expecting something from me."

I think his simple statement held more meaning than he realized, even if that meaning may not have been very clear. I studied his eyes once again, wondering if he really felt the way they led me to believe he did. Sober Edward was just as irritable as High Edward, so it was hard to choose which one was easier to talk to.

High Edward always had me afraid of what his erratic mood swings would bring and how easy it was to set him off. Since this was the first time I had ever seen Sober Edward, I was unsure of what to think of him. The only real difference I could depict from what I had seen was that this Edward now was hurting.

"I'm not expecting anything from you," I told him quietly.

Once again, I noticed the sadness in his green eyes as he turned to meet my gaze directly. He didn't say anything for a long moment, and at first I didn't think he was ever going to. "Yet," he finally replied before distancing himself from me once again, turning to face the opposite direction for the remainder of the long class period.

That was the last thing he said to me that day.

I spent the whole class promptly ignoring the video Mrs. Snow had played up on the projector about cellular reproduction, letting my hopelessly perplexed thoughts re-run the incredibly unexpected conversation Edward and I had shared.

Had I actually managed to get a glimpse of the real Edward? I doubted it. But I had seen something. Something I knew I hadn't seen from him before. It wasn't even anything drastic like my mind seemed to be playing it out to be. It was just. . .something different.

There had been a difference with Edward today, and it wasn't just the fact that for once his actions weren't controlled by the overwhelming amount of THC he had put into his bloodstream earlier that morning.

As he hurried from the room at the sound of the bell in his usual haste, I suddenly realized what the difference was.

Without the drugs, Edward had been _vulnerable_.

* * *

_Fumbling his confidence,  
And wondering why the world has passed him by.  
Hoping that he's meant for more than arguements,  
And failed attempts to fly, fly.  
_- Meant To Live, Switchfoot

**Monday sound good for Chapter 4?  
Psssst. . .You'll get to finally meet Seth Monday.  
**

**Aww, come on. Leave a review telling me how badly you want to hug Edward. (:**


	4. Try Again

**A/N: HAPPY MONDAY! First of all, Edward returned your guys' hugs, just so you know. Check the profile, like always. (: So anyways, I'm not the only one who owes a helluva lot of hugs. You guys rock. Like, hardcore. Thanks for being so. . .amazing. Your reviews kinda make my life. Just saying. OH! And a quick shout-out for all the anonymous ones since I can't reply! You guys rock my socks as well - thanks for letting me know what you think even without an account. So now thank my thank you's are finished, here's chapter four, my dears. (:**

**MB - I love you, like always. Thanks for rockin' my world with your editing super skills. No srsly. You freaking deserve a billion hugs from Edward.**

* * *

The woman standing before me couldn't have been any older than thirty. Was she? I felt like I was meeting Alice's older sister rather than her mother. Her caramel colored curls complimented her heart-shaped face as they cascaded neatly down her back. Her warm honey eyes smiled brightly into mine and showed only traces of kindness.

She extended a friendly hand to me. "Hi, you must be Bella. Alice has told me _all_ about you. I'm Esme, her mom." I took her hand and shook it shyly, wondering how it was possible for an entire household to be so good-looking.

"Nice to meet you," I told her genuinely, "You have a beautiful home."

She leaned absentmindedly against the counter as she picked up the phone. "Thanks, Bella!" She replied cheerfully, confirming my suspicion as to where Alice got her personality from. "Excuse me for a second, dear," she quickly apologized before beginning her phone conversation. "I'll just be a moment."

I turned back to meet Alice's smiling face. "She looks so _young_. And seems a lot like you," I admitted, still slightly startled by her mother's astounding youth.

Alice giggled. "You should have told her that. I think she might have just had to adopt you." I laughed with her at the idea, though slightly bewildered of the scenario had it been actually real. "She had me when she was eighteen, so she's only thirty-five." Geez. That's older than I would have guessed.

Just then she appeared back into the room, hanging up the phone. "Sorry," she apologized again. I quickly smiled in dismissal of her unnecessary remorse. "So, honey, Alice tells me you moved here from Phoenix?"

I nodded. "A couple of weeks before school started," I confirmed. Much like Alice and Emmett, it was easy to feel comfortable around Esme. Everything about the woman was inviting and I found myself actually missing my own mother for a fleeting moment.

She sighed, fondly shaking her head. "I've been to Phoenix a few time with Carlisle on business trips. It's such a wonderful city. Do you miss it at all? I mean, I know this place takes quite the time to get used to it. I imagine Alice told you we moved from Jacksonville just a year or two ago?"

The more she talked, the more of Alice I saw. It was actually almost scary, the resemblance the two of them shared. "Yeah, I miss it." I admitted, "But Forks is nice too. It has a certain. . .charm."

She beamed happily at me. "Well I'm glad you like it here, Bella."

"Hey, Mom," Alice cut in once she realized our conversation was over. "Where's Seth?"

"Em took him to the park when he got home today," she answered, flipping her hair over her shoulder as she began to unload the dishwasher. "They should be home in a little bit I'm sure, and your father will be too. Do you know where Edward is?"

Alice snorted incredulously. "Does anyone ever?"

Esme's everlasting smile faltered into a small frown of distress. "He knows it's pizza tonight, doesn't he? He loves pizza. Do you think he's going to show up?" She began to prattle an endless amount of questions that all resulted in the same, disappointing silence that followed. Being such an impossible person to keep track of, as inconsistent as his mood was, I knew they rarely got their hopes up around here.

Much like school, I could tell that home wasn't exactly a place he showed up at very often.

Alice and I watched TV in the living room for half an hour before the doorbell rang and the gracious pizza boy delivered our pizza. Esme set the four boxes she had ordered on the counter, claiming numerous times that when living with four men, a surplus of food was always necessary.

As soon as Alice and I began dishing ourselves a slice, Emmett came bursting into the room with a wild grin on his face and a small boy on his back, both laughing loudly in exuberance. I stopped what I was doing, diverting every ounce of my attention to studying Seth Cullen, the person I had been waiting for quite a while to finally meet.

Adorable would have been an insult. The kid was cuter than a baby bunny. Much like the rest of his movie star good-looking family, he looked like the exact representation of the exceptionally lovable boys you saw in a JC Penney's ad. What caught me off guard were the resemblances I began to notice the longer my eyes stayed on him. His hair was that funny bronze color I had only seen on one other person, messy like his two, but Seth looked like he had been playing with it rather than pulling at it from stress. He was slightly smaller than an average ten year-old, and his eyes were the color of fresh mowed grass on a summer's looked exactly like his absent older brother.

Exactly like him, yet completely different. Everything about him was so pure and innocent. The way his smile was so entirely infectious. The urge he had to be friendly to everyone he seemed to meet. The twinkle in his eyes, the dazzling teeth he flashed to everyone his eyes met. He was everything Edward wasn't.

I couldn't tear my eyes away from him no matter how much effort I put into the attempt. He was perfect, to put it simply. I had the sudden urge to pick him up off his feet and spin him around in circles, just to hear the wonderful giggles I knew he was capable of producing.

I watched with an instantly permanent smile on my face as Emmett carefully lowered his little brother to the ground. He ran straight to Esme who wrapped her arms tightly around him before doing the same to Alice.

"Seth," she poked his nose, earning a very welcomed laugh as he poked hers back. "I've got someone I want you to meet." She pointed her index finger in my direction and I watched as his gaze slowly followed it to me. "That's Bella." She whispered into his ear loud enough so we could all hear.

"Hi, Seth," I waved my hand shyly at him.

He pursed his lips together in a bashful smile, swinging his head back and forth as he waved back. "Hello, Bella." He told me quietly. "Are you Alice's friend?"

I nodded. "Yes, I'm Alice's friend."

"Well do you wanna be _my_ friend?" He asked hopefully, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet.

I couldn't help but to beam at him. "I'd certainly like that."

The response I received from him was beyond rewarding as his face lit up like a shining Christmas tree. Alice grinned at me before leaning down to place her lips next to his ear. "Go give your new friend a hug," she whispered loudly enough for the whole room to hear as she shot me a wink.

Hesitantly, though with a slight spring in his step, he made his way over to me. I crouched down, leveling myself with his height as his petite arms wrapped tightly around my torso in one quick, bashful movement. I couldn't stop the huge smile from spreading across my face as I hugged him back. It might just have been possible that I had fallen in love entirely.

He pulled away, eyes very near sparkling. "So, Bella," he asked curiously, no longer appearing to be timid like he had been at first. "Do you like to eat pizza?"

"I do," I answered, chuckling.

His mouth opened widely, forming a big 'O' while his eyes grew three sizes larger as well. "No _way_! Me too!"

I gasped, pretending to be shocked as he began giggling at my expression. I glanced at Alice, shooting her a look of definite approval as she grinned happily back at me. "Alright you little stud," Emmett interceded, stepping forward and holding out his hand. "Let's go wash up for dinner."

Seth happily obliged, taking Emmett's over-sized hand before the two of them disappeared from the room. A moment of silence past before Esme broke it. "Wow," she shook her head in obvious disbelief. "I've never seen him act like that in front of a complete stranger."

"That was so cute to watch," Alice quickly agreed. "Bella, I think he may just love you." The two of them laughed as I felt my cheeks grow hot.

"Nah," I quickly replied with a smirk. "I'm not really into the whole 'cougar' thing. . ."

The three of us lounged in the kitchen until we were joined once again by Emmett and Seth. This time, Emmett grinned at me in acknowledgement and shot me a friendly wave. Esme allowed us to eat our pizza slices in the living room, placing all four boxes on the coffee table in front of their ridiculously over-sized TV.

It didn't take Emmett's attention long at all to be absorbed into the football game that was on. His loud booming voice hollered and cheered at the screen like he was actually at the game instead of watching from a thousand miles away. Seth attempted imitating his brother's obnoxious actions with results that provided me with more laughs than I'd had in a long time.

At one point, Carlisle joined us on the spacious couch. He plopped himself down next to Esme, clearly relieved that the long day at work was finally over. He planted a sweet, chaste kiss on a more than cheerful Esme.

I wasn't surprised at all to find out that Carlisle sure didn't fall short with the whole "good-looking Cullen" gene. His hair was a sunny blond, very neatly organized on his in a way that suggested the primal example of an effortless hairstyle that might just be found somewhere on the red carpet. Along with Esme, he also didn't appear to look like he had hit the thirty mark yet. His eyes were the color of the Phoenix sky on a sunny day. His appearance was incredibly warm and welcoming.

"You're probably Bella, aren't you?" He asked after reaching for a slice of his own as soon as he eyed what the rest of us had in our hands. He hummed loudly in approval as he took a bite, keeping his friendly gaze on me with the intent of his question still clearly evident.

"That would be me," I informed him with a small smile. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Cullen." And it was. I felt an odd sense of security now having met the entire family.

To my surprise, he quietly snorted. "Mr. Cullen was my grandfather, Bella. Call me Carlisle."

"Carlisle," I grinned.

The six of us sat on various different couches and chairs, ate pizza, and watched a football game, just like any other normal family. I had never felt so comfortably at-home in my life. I was with genuinely wonderful people, and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Everyone suddenly fell silent and I didn't understand why the atmosphere had changed drastically, completely doing a one-eighty, until I looked up and saw Edward standing there. My eyes immediately shot to his and for a moment our gazes locked. . .okay, so a moment would have been a stretch. It was more like, 0.004 seconds before he quickly darted them away. To my extreme disappointment, I noticed the unwanted redness Edward had acquired in and around his eyes. My heart sank ever so slightly. He had been smoking.

I watched him, like everyone else was doing. His wild hair was hiding in the confines of the hood from his dark blue hoodie and the gray sweatpants he wore looked like they could have been thousands of years old with the amount of holes and damage inflicted upon them. Without a word from anyone's mouth including his, he grabbed a piece of pepperoni pizza from the half-empty box and shoved the end of it hastily into his mouth.

Seth's unexpected voice broke the silence. "Hi, Edward!" He exclaimed exuberantly, flailing his hand in the air in an excited wave. For the first time that night, no one even cracked a smile at Seth's infectious enthusiasm.

Not even Edward.

Instead, a somber look crossed his face as he nodded his head once at his little brother and promptly left the room.

I watched Seth's face fall into a disappointed frown. Someone sighed, but I wasn't sure who. It was most likely collective. Emmett, who was currently sitting next to Seth, patted him with an assuring smile. "'S okay, buddy," he told him softly, "I'm sure he was just tired, that's all."

Seth puckered his lips out into a pout, looked up at Emmett, and nodded.

The rest of the evening remained remotely quiet, falling into whatever dejected mood Edward had left behind for us in his stormy wake.

-oOo-

Saturday and Sunday passed in surprising speed. I spent my spare time cleaning and doing homework, which really wasn't as awful as everyone always groaned about it being. I cooked both lunch and dinner for a grateful Charlie, got more than enough sleep, and come Monday, I was feeling pretty smitten about the week ahead of me.

When I pulled into the parking lot that morning I kept my hopes up, feeling extra good for some reason about the day ahead of me.

I learned to never do _that_ again.

Not only did he not show up to either class, but Alice had a doctor's appointment which caused her to miss both Trig in the morning and lunch, leaving me pathetically friendless. Well, not exactly. There a few people who were more than willing to talk to me, not including everyone from the lunch table, that is.

Angela Webber was in a couple of my classes, a quiet girl with a caring personality. I got to know her pretty well. Lauren Mallory was another girl I recognized from a class or two of mine who I had talked to a few times and was also an incredibly pleasant person to talk with.

With Alice back on Tuesday, the day was noticeably more bearable. Edward had been in English, though as usual we never shared a single word of exchange and I was fairly positive the weed was making him extra unfocused by my borderline stalker tendencies to unthinkingly spend a majority of the class staring in his direction. At lunch, I had actually managed to contribute to Alice and Rosalie's endless chatter, the three of us discussing the pros and cons of having school uniforms while Emmett, Jasper, and Mike all talked up some serious sporting matters.

When I arrived in Biology, I felt anxious, though I couldn't fathom why. My anxiety only increased as the bell rang and Edward still remained a no-show. As of lately, I had become quite accustomed to his empty seat.

But two minutes into Mrs. Snow's lecture, and the seat no longer remained unoccupied. As usual, he blatantly ignored the harmful glare she sent in his direction, swiftly pulling out his folder and notebook from his faded backpack and angled himself as far away from me as possible for the remainder of class.

As the days went on, I began to grow more and more frustrated with both him and myself. My non-interactions with Edward were becoming increasingly more troublesome to me than they should have been.

I wanted nothing more than to shake Edward Cullen. I needed to get him the hell out of my head. As much as I both wanted and needed to though, I couldn't. I literally _couldn't_. Lately, I thought about him more than ever. Regardless of the way he treated me. . .or rather the way he didn't treat me at all, he simply would not leave my head.

Wednesday came and I actually tried talking to him but was immediately rejected any sort of participation from his part. I asked about what he thought of the weather, he mumbled a very vague "whatever" and went on sticking to the silence he so obviously adored.

It was just too difficult. I mean, I could hardly get Edward to acknowledge the fact that there was an actual human being sitting, breathing, and very obviously alive next to him. And even when I miraculously managed that, any type of conversation that followed just failed to epic proportions, lasting the maximum of ten seconds before he promptly ignored me in a way only Edward could.

I was trying. _Really_ trying. The truth was that I just was at a complete loss as to how I was suppose to communicate with the guy. Nothing I tried worked and all my efforts were becoming increasingly more exhausting as each day passed by.

-oOo-

"Bella?"

I nearly fell off my stool at the sound of my name being associated with such an irresistible voice. The tone of his voice – the hesitance, the uncertainty, the _softness_. I merely turned my head to stare at him as I attempted to rid my face of the very obvious shock I was sure he was now seeing.

"You're unusually quiet today," he observed in that tentative voice again.

I didn't think to respond to him as I met his gaze directly, trying so entirely hard not to drown in his piercing eyes. To my extreme relief, there were no signs of redness showing, only the darkly profound bags under them from the lack of sleep he was supposedly giving himself. Unfortunately, he seemed to notice my subtle observations and quickly darted his eyes away.

I brought myself back to the observation he had recently stated. "What?"

It almost seemed like he was making an effort _not_ to look at me now. "I don't know. Don't you usually have something to say?" He paused, still not looking at me. "At least that's what it always seems like. . ." he trailed off, muttering the last part under his breath.

"I always have something to say," I confirmed honestly, "You just never seem to want to listen."

His eyes suddenly darted back to mine as a trace of genuine confusion flashed in them. He ran a hand through his disheveled hair, keeping it there longer than he normally did as he considered my response. "Why would you think that?" He asked quietly, staring down at the desk once again.

I actually snorted in disbelief. _Snorted_. Lovely, Bella. "Gee, Edward, I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that every time I try and start up a conversation you usually just end up yelling at me with more than a few expletives."

He frowned, clearly not have wanting that to have been my answer. I watched his lips purse in thought as his forehead creased in obvious discomfort. I was beginning to worry that it actually was this difficult for him to carry on a normal conversation all the time.

Hesitantly, he finally responded. "That's only because you suck at picking the topic."

Irritation began to form inside me as I attempted to keep my breathing even. At least I actually aspired to _start_ a topic, unlike him who evidently put zero effort in trying to be friendly in any possible way. "Apparently so," I snapped. "Sorry I'm not a mind reader and am unaware of the topics you render so strongly unacceptable."

He let out a loud sigh. "Just because I told you I didn't want you trying to figure me out doesn't mean I don't want to talk to you." Tentatively, he averted his gaze slowly to mine with a look of discretion. "Conversation is nice sometimes. I can't stand listening to my own thoughts all the damn time." The last part came out surprisingly sad. It was hard to remain angry at him as the unconscious frown now occupying his lips forced a wave of sadness through me.

Before my brain could process what my mouth was going to say, I was unthinkingly restating the obvious. "You're sober today."

A quiet chuckle escaped his mouth as the left side of his lips pulled up into a half-smirk. "Shocking, isn't it?" He exclaimed sarcastically. I watched him as he answered a question on the worksheet we were currently working on and once again, didn't think about my next question until after I already asked it to him.

"Why do you do it anyways?" I inquired casually. He gave me a look of confusion before I was quickly clarifying myself. "Smoke, I mean. Why?"

"Try again." He stated flatly without skipping a beat.

_Try again_? Was he serious? My irritation only grew, as did my frustration. He was _so_ frustrating. He really was. It was almost unbearable, really. Try again? I shook my head, trying to clear it. How many tries did I _have_ exactly? Maybe I didn't _want_ to _try again_. "What?" was the only angry response I managed to get out in an irritated sneer.

"That would be the perfect example of an unacceptable topic, Bella." He explained, condescension dripping in his tone.

He read the annoyance on my face as a look of amusement crossed his own. I narrowed my eyes at him as I watched the corners of his lips fight back a smile. Oh good. Glad he was enjoying himself here. "Told you I'm not nice," he shrugged simply, the grin he was fighting back still evident.

"Why?" I demanded, clenching my fists into tight balls to stop myself from strangling his neck when he gave me the whole "unacceptable topic" lecture again.

Instead he just shrugged again, which probably made me even more pissed off than if he would have just told me to pick a new topic again. I took a few moments to calm myself, breathing in large amounts of fresh air, getting rid of the bad air.

I grudgingly accepted the fact that every response I would get from him would fall short of what I was, for some reason, expecting him to say. I realized, once again, that I should have just been glad at the fact that he was talking to me. And I was fairly confident that it had been longer than our usual ten second record.

"Edward, you can't not know. People choose to be mean, and I want to know why you do." In reality, he wasn't actually mean to _me_. I honestly didn't know what he was to me though. I did know that he was rude to teachers, didn't talk to his family, and often swore while saying things in an extra sharp tone of voice. Did that really count as _mean _though. . .?

"I just am," was his very predictable response.

"Fine," was the end of the conversation.

* * *

_Whenever you get this way,  
Just getting up for the let down.  
Mmm, here they come and yes they're here to stay.  
Just getting up for the let down.  
_- Say Anything (Else), Cartel

**Next update will be posted on Friday. Sound good?**

Seth would really like it if you'd drop him a review. (:


	5. Changes

**A/N: I've literally been swamped this week, guys. So right after I post this I'm going straight to last week's reviews and replying to all of them. I am NOT ignoring ANYONE. Even Edward's been busy! He wanted me to tell you that he promises he'll have a message for you by the end of the day.**

**Some questions in regards to Edward's behavior (eg. "why is he so mean?", "whats his problem?", etc.) can only be answered by the warning message I wrote to you on the first chapter. I warned you he was gonna be like this. I also promised that people can change, so bear that in mind, alright? And don't abandon him yet!**

**Mary Beth, as always, is in order for a million thank you's in making this chapter a helluva a lot prettier than I originally had it, and for putting up with my scattered brain. Dude. You seriously help me more than you know. (:**

* * *

Could it have really been October already?

My first month at Forks seemed significantly important even though nothing out of the ordinary or life-changing had happened. Important because for one, I had met Alice Cullen, possibly the nicest human being on the face of the planet. Her friendship was no doubt the best thing that had happened to me so far, and each day it only seemed to continue its pleasant growth.

I had also become closer with Charlie in the past month. Well, not exactly _closer _closer, but we were talking a lot more than we had during my two-weeks here every summer for the first seventeen years of my life. His company was actually nice most of the time, and he kept out of my business for most of the part. Not that I _had_ any business.

And then there had been Edward.

Edward who I admittedly had absolutely no reason in even considering to add to my list of things to consider, but he was. And he wasn't just on it; he was at the very damn top. Which was saying an awful lot of negative things about me from the fact that he and I weren't even friends in the slightest. But there he was, him and his bronze, disheveled hair sitting at the very top of my list of interest. I realized, much to my own denial, that I had become slightly obsessed with him since I had moved to Forks.

I ignored him for the most part. I followed his blunt request he had ordered me right from the start and I stayed away. It didn't feel right though, just acting as if he weren't really there at all, which, clearly he was. I felt a strange sense that in a way, I was abandoning him. I had no idea why I was feeling this way, but it wasn't easy to just ignore.

I watched the way people acted around him, or rather how they _didn't _act. I heard what they said, or rather what they _didn't _say. Aside from a majority of the shallow girl population at the high school who wanted to do him, everyone else just acted as if he didn't exist at all. Which was utterly ridiculous and such a waste.

Alice had made it very clear that before the accident, Edward had been about as stereotypical with popularity as you could get. He was _that_ guy. He had been, at least. The one who seemingly had everything going for him. Everyone once had adored and admired the town golden boy he had been.

Now, they all treated him as if he had died that night along with his parents. They treated him like he wasn't _there_. The only time anyone ever mentioned him was when they were reminiscing in the past. And nothing about that twisted scenario could be right, no matter what he claimed he wanted. He declared on many occasions that people staying the hell out of his way was what he craved. He craved to be ignored, and that might have just made number on my other list, top ten stupidest things to want.

I refused to believe that was what he actually wanted. So by me not talking to him, just like everyone else, I felt like I was letting him down in a way. He obviously needed help – a lot of help. Help which no one even bothered to aid him with. Help he very clearly denied himself of.

I wanted to help. God did I want to be the one who brought back the boy who belonged to his shadow. I couldn't though, because really, how did you even begin help someone who refused to let you?

So I just continued to admit to defeat. Everyday. . .or rather every _other_ day, when he was actually in school, I'd simply address him when necessary, talk to him about a lab when necessary, make eye contact when necessary, and most importantly, I'd never, ever, _ever_ speak of anything that might have been even the slightest bit personal. I knew I was doing the bear minimum, I was well aware of the fact that I should be doing more, but for now, I just didn't know what exactly that "more" was.

To say the least, I was handling our non-communications worse than I should have been. I found myself staring into space at times, imagining what it would be like to have the real Edward with me. I was beginning to lose drastic amount of sleeps, staying up to think of all kinds of elaborate plans to get him to talk to me, only for them to go up in flames the time I actually saw him.

Distractions were incredibly welcomed, and I happily took one whenever I was presented with an opportunity. Which was the only reason, _and I mean only reason_, I agreed upon a double date with Alice, Jasper, and. . .Mike Newton.

I could only imagine what a mortifying night it would turn out to be. It was Friday afternoon and Alice and I were driving back to her house in her cheery yellow sports car to prepare for our_ date_. I actually cringed at the mere thought of the word and how it sounded in context. It was a distraction, I reminded myself. A much needed, get-your-thoughts-to-a-different-place distraction. Truthfully it _was_ much needed. My thoughts had crossed ridiculous long ago and were currently raging on borderline insanity.

To my extreme pleasure, Seth was there to greet the both of us with happy hugs as soon as we entered the house. He explained how he and Esme had went to the store earlier that day to buy him new clothes and that all of his friends would be really jealous when they saw him wearing his cool blue dragon shirt.

If anyone could light up a room without trying, it was Seth. I really did love that kid.

On our way up the stairs to Alice's bedroom I nearly had a collision with an unexpected Edward as I was turning the corner. He quickly dodged out of my way, swearing under his breath as he shook his head and muttered something that sounded like, "You just keep showing up in my life, don't you?"

I sighed and just did what I did best, automatically ignoring him, averting my gaze to my feet as I kept it away from his lovely face.

"Such a pleasant person," Alice muttered under her breath back to him in response to his retreating form. She turned back to me with an apologetic frown. "Don't let him get in your head, okay? He's like that to everyone." Yeah. I noticed.

Alice's irritation towards him only lasted seconds before she was back in her excitement mode. "So I already picked out what you're going to wear, and it's Mike's favorite color so I _know_ he's going to love it already, and then I can do your make-up, but not too much because you don't need that much, and you're going to look _so_ cute, I promise." That might have just been the longest run-on sentence I had ever heard in my life. Not to mention the fact that it had been said well over a hundred miles per hour. I wondered how a person that tiny had the lung capacity to get that all out in one breath. I sighed, not bothering to even try and fight her exuberance as I let her tell me where she wanted me to sit.

An hour later we went back downstairs to wait for our dates. I felt completely uncomfortable in the black leggings Alice had me wearing which looked more like they had been painted on rather than there being an actual material covering my legs. She also forced me into a light blue baby-doll which really would have been fine except for the plunging V-neck that revealed far more of my chest than I would have liked.

It was a distraction though. I'd do anything for a distraction.

In the living room where Alice led me to, Seth was staring intently at the screen of the TV, holding a bowl of popcorn tightly in one of his hands as the other shoved a continuous amount into his mouth. To my extreme surprise, next to him sharing the bowl was Edward.

Edward, the very last person I would have expected to be occupying the spot next to his little, look-a-like brother.

His feet were propped out in front of him on the cushioned footrest while one of his hands cupped the back of his neck, the other shoving excessive amounts of popcorn into his mouth just like Seth was doing. Apparently my surprise was reasonable, judging by Alice's half-opened mouth and shock profoundly evident throughout her black-rimmed eyes.

"Allie you look so pretty!" Seth exclaimed the moment he turned his head and took notice of our presence in the doorway. I hadn't realized neither of us had entered the room yet, but my feet just couldn't seem to function properly. Apparently, neither could Alice's. I was relieved that I wasn't the only one in complete shock.

"Thanks, buddy," she grinned as her face slowly came back to life.

He then turned his wide smile to me. "Bella, so do you, you look _really_ pretty."

"Why thank you, Seth," I chuckled, ignoring Edward as I saw his gaze fall onto me out of the corner of my eye. If I met his presumably intense eyes, I would be unnerved and any effort of a distraction would be hopelessly wasted. So I continued to smile at Seth. "You look pretty dashing yourself, you know."

He giggled loudly as he filled his mouth with popcorn once again. He turned to his brother who to my relief had averted his attention back to the high definition football game. "Edward, did you know that Bella and me are friends?" The high octave of his voice made me smile involuntarily, forgetting the fact that he had just mentioned my name to his ill-tempered brother.

I hadn't noticed I had been staring at Edward until his eyes abruptly met mine. They were slightly red, but not from anything recent. For the first time since I had known him, a smile crept upon his lips. It was small, not the one I wanted, but it was there. Edward was smiling. At _me_. I flushed for some reason, quickly looking away as I felt my face rapidly heat up. "No, I didn't know that." he responded simply, contently.

What the hell just _happened_? I half considered apologizing to Alice for bailing out, faking a headache, and calling Mike to tell him that our date was off. There was absolutely no way humanly possible for me to _not_ think about that smile for the rest of the night. I was so angry at myself for being so damn weak that I was suddenly practically shaking in irritation.

Besides, the smile hadn't been for me at all, it had been for Seth. I calmed down the tiniest bit as I let thought knowledge register with the rapid rate of my heart.

But, as hard I as tried to convince myself otherwise, it wasn't just something I could push to the back of my mind though. I came to the upsetting realization that it would be there for a long time. It was a significant event, whatever had just occurred between the four of us – an event that made Edward _smile_. For the first time since I had known him, for a fleeting moment both the anger and the sadness he always presented had been gone.

My head was spinning and my heart was racing. Before I could comprehend what was going on, there were two quiet knocks at the front door and Alice was suddenly dragging me into their vast entry way and opening the door before I had even a second of time to compose myself.

I instantly became a lot more interested in the design of the tiled floor than of what was going on in front of me. I was relieved that introductions were unnecessary since we all knew each other, but couldn't quite get past the situation that had just occurred. That headache was starting to sound like a better and better idea. . .

I slowly moved my gaze up, meeting Mike's smiling face as I watched Alice eagerly analyze the two of us from Jasper's arms. I tried to beat back my urge to flea, but some tiny voice inside of me was convincing me in an unpleasant yell that I couldn't do this. I _couldn't_ do this.

The whole dress-up thing. The make-up. None of it was me. Everything suddenly became overwhelming as I stumbled backwards a few steps. The last thing I wanted to do was pretend to be someone I clearly wasn't. The friendly smile Mike was wearing on his face faltered, instantly making me regret what I was about to do.

"I don't feel well," I suddenly explained as the breath of air I had been holding finally escaped my lips in one big _whoosh_. "I'm so sorry, Mike," I went on in dismay, "But I just feel like I'm going to pass out any moment. I have this terrible headache. . ."

"Bella?" Alice's upset face only made me feel guiltier. "Why didn't you tell me you didn't feel well?" She asked, clearly disappointed at my sudden withdrawal from her evening plans.

"I'm so sorry," I repeated again honestly. "I just don't want to ruin your guys' night."

"We can all stay here?" Jasper proposed, making me have to resist the urge to strangle his neck.

I quickly shook my head, folding my arms over my chest as I attempted to make my fake illness more believable. At any rate, it soon wouldn't be fake. My head was beginning to spin slightly while my stomach contained a hundred and one knots. "That's ridiculous," I replied tersely. "You guys should all go. I'm probably just going to go home and sleep, anyways."

The most disappointed face of the three was Mike's. I felt honestly terrible. Even though I refused to believe it myself, I think he actually wanted to go with me and had been looking forward to tonight even. I wouldn't pursue him like that though. Leading him on to a relationship I did not want or need would have been crueler than what I was already doing.

"Well, okay, Bella." Alice sighed sadly. "I guess we'll just drive you home then."

I protested again, immediately shaking my head. "Then you guys are going to miss your movie. That would be silly since you already ordered tickets in advance. Just go." I urged them sincerely, "I can have Charlie come and get m–"

"I'll bring you home." A familiar voice that had definitely not been in the room with us just a minute ago volunteered.

_What the –_

I quickly spun myself around to face Edward who was standing no more than three feet behind me. I opened my mouth to decline his request but the words refused to form. I was speechless. His green eyes were on me, waiting for the response I couldn't seem to find.

Edward was offering to drive me home. _Edward_. Of all the crazy things I hadn't expected to come out of this already messed up night. I actually took a moment to consider his statement. Did I _want_ him to give me a ride? Of course I did. Stupid question. What scared me though, was just how badly I really did want to accept that particular proposal.

Instead of answering, I glanced over at Alice. She was staring at him in complete shock. And anger, eyebrows furrowed, eyes narrowed. I had to give him an answer soon or else the three of them would end up missing their movie. My other option was. . .none. I had no other options. Charlie was actually working, I remembered, so him coming to pick me up was out of the question.

"Okay," the word was out of my mouth before I could even consider its implications.

Alice unsurprisingly wasn't so thrilled with my acceptance. "Someone has to stay and watch Seth, _Edward_." She spat his name like it was a curse word. "We'll just take her home. We can be a little late to our movie, it's no big deal."

Edward's eyebrow shot up in clear amusement as he leaned against the door frame, crossing his arms. "Emmett's with him in the living room as we speak, so go and fuck Jazz in the back of theater while I take Bella home. She _did_ mention something about being sick."

Shock wasn't the only main emotion in the room anymore. Jasper actually looked furious with his assessment, and Mike looked a lot like he had something important to say but didn't know how to say it. Alice was glaring at him, her eyes glistening in unshed tears of anger or maybe embarrassment.

"Take my car," she finally got out in a shaky whisper before her eyes narrowed. "I don't want Bella having to smell _that_." She spat before turning briskly on her heel and leading the two to follow her out the door.

I suddenly dreaded the fifteen minute car ride I had to face.

I slowly turned myself back to Edward who was still leaning against the wall with an amused smirk on his lips. "Come on, madam," he dramatically spiraled his hand in the air while bowing and tipping his invisible hat. "Your chariot awaits you." Where the hell did _that_ come from? I briefly wondered how he was able to suddenly be so. . .playful.

I didn't have it in me to grin. Instead I just stared at him blankly before he finally turned and led me out to the garage. As I climbed into the passenger side of Alice's familiar Porsche, I tried hard not to contemplate the amount of unwanted chemicals running through his bloodstream at the moment. It was probably bad that I couldn't even find it in me to care.

Right after I gave him my address, he whipped out of the driveway at once. I gripped onto the door tightly. Okay. So maybe getting in a car with him after he had been doing. . ._certain things_ probably wasn't the best judgment on my part.

Everything was so confusing tonight that _I _couldn't think straight any better than he probably could. My mind was racing, replaying everything that had gone down until now, to trying to decipher Edward's motives behind suggesting he take me home. Nothing about him had changed drastically. In fact, the familiar redness in his bloodshot eyes and usual unkempt hair only led me to believe that my mind was playing tricks on me and that I was really not in a car with Edward Cullen who was no more than a foot away from me.

But it was real, and that's what was happening. Which only added to my confusion even more.

As I glanced at him, I shifted uncomfortably in my seat and struggled with feeling at ease in his presence. None of this made sense. I should have been used to his erratic mood swings by now, to the inconsistency of the way he acted towards me, but I wasn't. As unsettled as ever, I remained frustrated as I sat in the darkness next to Edward, who was now currently taking corners way faster than entirely necessary.

"So Mike Newton, huh?" He suddenly mused out loud, amusement still very clearly evident.

I didn't respond as I tried to decide which was worse. Edward when he was angry or Edward when he was like _this_. It was the tone of his voice; the slight taunting edge it held to it as he appeared what seemed like almost arrogant. I had never seen him this way before.

I sighed quietly to myself. Just one more inconsistency to add to the list.

"I am curious though," he continued, unabashed by my refusal to respond to him. Maybe he hadn't even noticed that I didn't answer. "Why you backed out at the last second like that. Nice, by the way." He commented in approval.

What the _hell_ was going on with him? In Bio I couldn't even manage to get a 'hi' out of him and suddenly he was taking it upon himself to actually _provide_ the conversation for once? Once again, I didn't reply. Why did he have to be so damn difficult to understand all the time? Why couldn't he just be _simple_? His mood swings were starting to give me serious whiplash.

"I mean, you just seem like the kind of girl who would go for a guy with his nose in a book or something, being the smarty pants you are." He teased as I noticed him grinning ahead at the windshield.

I sighed. At this point I didn't even have it in me to care what his reaction to my next question would be. "Edward, exactly what type of lovely drugs have you decided to put into your system tonight?"

His fingers bounced anxiously on the counselor between us as he shook his head with a chuckle. "You always bring up the most unnecessary things, Bella." The finger tapping continued as my patience did not.

I let out a humorless laugh which came out louder and harsher than I had initially planned it to. "Unnecessary." I tried out his word once again, the acid dripping in my voice. "Oh, well I'm sorry to be such a bother then. Here, let me talk about something that _is_ necessary. How about global warming?" I paused irritably, "Wait, that's probably pretty irrelevant too isn't it? Silly me."

So maybe letting all of my frustrations for the night out in my little rant was a bit too much. I could hardly regret it though. The truth was, I had been waiting to get that out of my system for a fairly long time.

I heard his sharp intake of breath as he considered my words. "Why do you always have to be like that?" His question didn't come out angry like I had been expecting his mood to quickly change to. No, instead it came out soft and tentative. I didn't understand the slight tugging at my heart in response to his voice so gentle. I immediately felt guilty for being such a bitch to him this whole time. He _had_ offered to drive me home.

His question caught me off guard though as I stumbled on my words to come up with an answer I didn't have. "I. . .I don't know," I told him honestly. "I really wish I knew."

He didn't say anything in response and I was fairly positive he wasn't going to. I was convinced his 'chatty' mood had disappeared as quickly as it had came in the first place. Due to Edward's completely catastrophic driving, we were nearly to my house, I noticed.

I realized that if I didn't say this now, I don't think I'd ever muster up the courage to do it any other time. And it really needed to be said. At least, in _my_ humble opinion it did. He'd probably hate me for even bringing it up, but then again I was sure he already hated me, so there really wasn't much for me to lose I suppose.

"Edward?" I proceeded carefully.

"Hmm?" was the very absentminded response I received.

"Um, if I say something do you promise you won't get mad?" It was an unlikely long shot, but at least I'd try. For the first time since I got in the car I turned in my seat to face him completely. His gaze was focused intently on the street signs in front of him and remained blank as his fingers abruptly stopped their rapid tapping motions.

"I don't make promises," he replied automatically. "But you can still go ahead and say it."

It wasn't an invitation, but at the same time it wasn't a rejection either. I took a deep, steady breath as I kept my eyes on the side of his tense face. "I know it's not in my place to talk about, but if you ever _do_ want someone to talk to sometime, I'll be ready to listen." Even though my statement seemed honest enough in its intentions, I knew somewhere in Edward's mind I was crossing some sort of line just by saying it.

He pulled into my driveway then, eyes still staring directly in front of him and nowhere else as he put the car into park. The hard line of his jaw only increased, as did the slight strain present in all his other features. He still hadn't said anything. I bit my lip as I unbuckled my seatbelt, just sitting there for a few seconds in the thick silence as I waited a little longer. I wondered idly if he had even heard what I had said or not.

The longer I sat there, the sharper his gaze got. Okay, so I had definitely crossed a line. "Thanks for the ride," I muttered, suddenly needing to get out of the vehicle immediately as I fumbled with the door to get it open.

As soon as I escaped the hostility his silent presence carried, I practically ran inside my house and up my stairs, collapsing onto my bed as I buried my head into my pillows, clenching my eyes tightly shut. Everything from Seth and Edward sharing a bowl of popcorn together to my inexcusable back-down to Edward opting he drive me home.

The unlikely possibility that Edward would actually take up my offer to talk was probably a good thing. Because after tonight, I wasn't sure I'd be able to listen.

* * *

_If only I could find the answer,_  
_To take it all away. . ._

_Sometimes I wish I could save you,_  
_And there's so many things that I want you to know._  
_I won't give up till it's over._  
_If it takes you forever, I want you to know,_  
_I wish I could save you._  
_I want you to know,_  
_I wish I could save you._  
- Save You, Simple Plan

**AN: See? A little B/E action in there. It's a process, people. Just you wait. So I'm thinkin' next Thursday for Chapter 6! Sound good?**

**Review and let me know what you thought of the chapter? (:**


	6. Your Fault

**A/N: Edward's fallen behind on his messages lately. He wanted me to apologize and promise that he's gonna get his shit together soon. His words, not mine. OH, and quick thing I wanted to mention - you know the chapter song I have for each chapter and how I put the fitting lyrics below the chapter? Well keep in mind, the song more often than not is having to do with Edward. Like this chapter's song is _Headstrong_. Which is the apt. description of what's running through Edward's mind. Keep _that_ in mind.**

**As always, thanks MB for making this so damn pretty. You're a flipping saint.**

**Your reviews, recs, and general LOVE continue to make me downright giddy. Thank you for every review. I read, savor, and then read again.**

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After my whole Friday night fiasco, I texted Alice to let her know that I was home safely. She quickly replied telling me thanks for letting her know and wishing me the best of health. I apologized once again for ruining her evening but she insisted that I didn't blame myself for not feeling well.

Later that night Mike, who I was sure got my number from Alice, texted me also wishing me well and that I had sweet dreams. I cringed when I received his message, realizing that even though we hadn't actually gone out, we still technically had been supposed to go out. In his book, I guess that meant we were already dating. No doubt would I need Alice's professional help to assist me in shaking him. My experience in the dating field was limited to none, so lord knows her help was exactly what I needed.

After my usually non-eventful weekend, Monday also turned out to be incredibly non-eventful. Edward's empty seat hadn't been even the slightest bit surprising and I worked on yet another lab by myself. Alice drove me to her house after school to work on some Trig homework since it had been piled up pretty heavily in class.

After an hour of non-stop work, I excused myself to the bathroom. Since Alice's was in the process of being cleaned and I didn't want to disrupt the soapy blue water in the toilet, I opted for the bathroom downstairs.

As soon as I was finished, I began making my way back to the stairs when I heard what sounded like a very intense argument going on. Stopping mid-step, I stood still for a moment, listening.

I instinctively followed the direction I heard the rising voices coming from. They were coming from the kitchen. I slowly approached the doorway, standing hidden against the wall as I began to pick up the conversation.

"Leave it," Edward's voice ordered, full of finality.

"Edward, can you just–"

"I said _leave it_, Esme," he spat, cold and unforgiving. I could just picture the way Esme's beautiful face would fall by his harsh dismissal. I expected that to be the end of the conversation, knowing Edward's tolerance for all talk involving his life, but it Carlisle who spoke up this time.

"Now just one minute, Edward." He didn't sound angry, he sounded hesitant. "Can you at least consider what she's trying to say?" I pictured Carlisle's face as he pleaded hopelessly with his reluctant nephew. I knew eavesdropping was completely wrong and disrespectful, but I couldn't budge. My feet were rooted in their place, my ears intently on the conversation going on in the room next to me.

"No, I fucking won't." I flinched at the loudness of his refusal. "You cannot seriously think I'm going to–"

"Edward, _please_." Esme's soft voice cut him off.

In my mind, the scene was painted out very clearly before me. Edward was high – that was a given. His six-foot frame was most likely towering over a petite Esme as Carlisle watched cautiously from the sidelines. The hostility in his eyes was surely present, as was the hard line in his jaw. His fists were likely to be fisted tightly into balls at his sides, and I was sure the lethal glare he was giving them was doing its job.

"You both can say whatever the hell you want to me. Yell at me if you want – you have every right to. Shove pills in my face, that's fine too. Keep in mind though, that I am in fact eighteen." The progressive loudness in his voice only increased as he continued. "I'm sorry for being such a pain in the ass to both of you, but I–"

Carlisle cut him off, his voice as tentative as ever. I couldn't believe my ears. It sounded an awful lot like he was _scared_ of Edward. What a concept. "Edward, we realized that–"

"Can I please just finish a fucking sentence?" I inwardly cringed at his excruciatingly request. A long pause of silence was exchanged between the three of them. I needed to leave. I shouldn't have even heard any of that in the first place. I turned to walk away before Edward began to speak again.

"Thank you," he stated dryly. "Now I realize you both mean well, but I'm not doing it." His voice was much quieter now, bleaker. "Any of it. No medication, no rehab, no therapist." He paused again, and I somehow knew his hands had to have been busily raking themselves through his hair. "I'm not doing it."

Esme's voice was so quiet that I almost missed it. "Edward, your parents wouldn't have wanted this. They wouldn't have wanted _you_ like this."

The loud, humorless laugh that escaped his lips startled me. It wasn't a laugh at all though. It was a bitter, rough sneer. Like sandpaper. Not a thing about it was pleasant. "You think I don't know that?" He retorted angrily, "You think I'm not _well aware_ of the fact that I'm a complete fuck-up?"

I heard Esme's loud intake of breath and pictured the way her eyes were probably glistening with moisture. How was he doing this by choice? How could he have possibly been unleashing his furious wrath on _Esme_ of all people? Esme. Sweet, kind, _motherly_ Esme. I physically began shaking in irritation at how easily Edward Cullen was able to simply just disregard the feelings of anyone he pleased.

I always found myself feeling sorry for Edward constantly, but now I wasn't so sure why. It was impossible to feel even the slightest bit of sympathy for him and what he was apparently going through when he was acting like _this_. Causing someone like Esme pain was truly inexcusable. Or anyone in his family for that matter. I mean, he was scaring _Carlisle_ for God's sake. Carlisle, a doctor who everyday had seen scarier things than what Edward was going through. Not to mention his unforgivable ability to make the sweet, adorable Seth frown. How he was constantly making Alice pay for his fixes. He was breaking his family's heart, and by the sounds of it, he was doing it without a single regret.

I had been unaware that the conversation had ended until Edward came storming out of the room, flying past me in a run as he failed to notice my presence. Even though Alice was probably wondering where I was by now, I knew I had to acknowledge what I had just heard.

"Edward, wait!" I called after him, quickly trying to catch up as he began his climb up the long staircase. He stopped abruptly at the sound of his name, slowly turning to face me. I suddenly wondered what the hell I was doing and contemplated running out of the house that very second.

He let out a loud groan when he saw me approaching him and narrowed his eyes into a furious glare. "God, what do you _want_?" he practically yelled at me in exasperation as he inclined his head backwards against the wall, staring pointedly up at the ceiling. His eyes were bloodshot, but I couldn't fathom whether it was from pot or lack of sleep. Though I was certain it was most likely both. A shiver couldn't help but to course through me.

I swallowed hard, intimidated by his anger. "I. . .what was. . .why were you yelling at them like that?" was all I managed to get out. More anger, anger that I didn't even think _possible_, flashed in his already enraged green eyes at my accidental confession. Oops. He wasn't supposed to know that I had been listening.

"My life," he retorted harshly, "is none of your damn business. _My life_," his voice only grew angrier with each syllable, "doesn't involve you. I don't care that you're around all the fucking time, _everywhere_, but you have absolutely no right in intruding on my personal business."

He swiftly twisted himself in the opposite direction of me before proceeding up the stairs.

The anger between us suddenly was no longer one-sided. I became infuriated. I was _so _sick and done with Edward Cullen and his constant personal pity parties. I didn't care who he thought he was, but shitty situations could be handled _so_ much better than how he seemed to be coping with life. I in no way understood what he was going through, thankfully. Edward could give up if he wanted to, but what he couldn't do was hurt other people in the process. I didn't care how lowly he thought about himself, how lowly he thought of _anyone_, I was just so sick of him feeling like everyone was suppose to understand his own constant self-remorse.

"It's anyone's _damn _business when people are being hurt." I matched his glare as he turned back around to face me. I had to stay strong. I had to. I couldn't give in to yet another defeat. Squaring my shoulders as I locked eyes with him, I spoke my mind. "Look, I don't know when you just entitled yourself to give up, but I do know that giving up and what you're doing are two completely different things." I moved up a step so that I could be closer to eye level with him. "Giving up means giving up. It doesn't, however, mean spreading your _poison_ to people who _haven't_ chosen to give up just yet."

He looked impossibly madder than he had just seconds ago. I glanced at his fists that remained bawled up at his sides and noticed the visible shaking they were doing. Really, I should have been afraid of him right now. I didn't know much about drugs or what Edward did in his spare time. I didn't know what he inhaled that made him so vicious, but I knew enough to realize that currently, Edward was unstable. I was technically in danger and I shouldn't have been continuing to address him about his issues while he was in the state he was in.

I should have been scared.

But I wasn't.

He could hurt me – I knew that. I was more than well aware of that. But someone needed to say something to him. Something to let him know that know matter who he was, or what he was going through, _this_ wasn't okay. Even though my courage came mainly from the need to finally stand up for Alice, Esme, Carlisle, and Seth, the rest of it was provided by very selfish reasons. The promise I had made to myself after just meeting him – about being there for him when he needed me – was in someway being fulfilled by this twisted argument. He had every right to scream at my easily made presumptions, which I knew he was about to do, but he needed to hear them none-the-less. I had made a deal with myself; a deal in which I intended to keep.

"That's really nice, Bella," For once my name didn't sound as wonderful as it escaped his lips. It sounded absolutely dreadful. The tone and pain he inflicted into his voice suddenly made me wish my name wasn't _Bella_. "Glad you noticed I fuck up peoples lives. So remind me again why you're here exactly?"

Something about what he had said made me even more determined to get my point across. "I already told you," I repeated in irritation through my gritted teeth. "You can go and lock yourself up in your room, lighting up _whatever the hell it is you light up_, and drown in your despair. Go ahead. I don't care." I never removed my eyes from his the whole time I was speaking, but the more I spoke, the more I began losing my nerve. "You know what you can't do though? You can't _hurt_ people in the process."

At this point we had managed to reach the top of the stairs where Alice was now standing in the hallway outside her bedroom. Her eyes were wide open in reaction to most likely hearing all of our conversation.

Edward let out another one of his hallow laughs, like the one he had in the kitchen. "Who the _fuck_ are you to tell me what I can and can't do? You don't know me, and you sure as hell don't know a damn thing _about_ me either." He took a step towards me as if he wanted to hit me. I instinctively backed up against the wall as I allowed his large frame to tower over me. Because the fear had finally hit me. I was dealing with something really dangerous. "You don't know anything, Bella. Any-fucking-thing, okay?"

I had to get out of there. Fast. This battle had been lost before it had even began and the last thing I was about to do was give Edward Cullen the satisfaction of seeing me lose.

Before I knew what I was doing, I escaped the scrutiny of his powerfully capable glare and was running straight past Alice, flying into her room without so much as an incentive to where I was going. I just. . .needed to escape his words.

I stood in the center of the room as it spun around me, gasping desperately for air as I willed myself not to cry. I clenched my eyes tightly shut as I attempted composure.

I heard the sound of a door slam before I felt Alice's arms wrap tightly around of me. "Oh, Bella," she sighed sadly as her arms remained secure around my trembling body. Without her support, I would have likely fallen. "I can't believe that just happened." There was obvious shock in her voice, but at the same time, it was like she was hardly surprised of the exchange that had just happened.

Still entirely too shaken up for my own good, she released me before tugging my hand over to sit down on her bed. I continued to focus on my breathing as I stared absentmindedly down at my hands in my lap. Alice sat next to me with an arm draped around my shoulder.

"Bella, I'm so sorry you had to hear all of that," she apologized in repeat for a good minute. "He's just an asshole. Nothing he said was true. It was the weed that was talking to you, I promise." Her attempts at assurance failed miserably and I could tell she realized this.

"I think I might have deserved it," I admitted quietly.

She gasped, appalled. "Bella, no one deserved to be told what you just were. Don't even let yourself consider that." She was rubbing soothing circles on my back as I sighed sadly.

"Alice, it was my fault he was yelling. He was right," I clarified with a frown, shaking my head. "I don't know what I was thinking. I _wasn't_ thinking. He was right," I repeated once again, "It was none of my damn business."

She let out a sad sigh of her own. "Bella, he had no right to say what he said despite what you think. Please, _please_ don't blame yourself. I absolutely won't let you."

And I suddenly wanted the conversation to be over. I wanted to erase the past twenty minutes from my mind and go on as if they had never happened. Because he was right, as much as it literally killed me to admit it, and calling him out on something he clearly was already well aware of was not an appropriate way to solve the situation.

There _was_ no appropriate way though, and I realized this now.

"Al," I began as I tried to shake all traces of my previous emotions from my system. "I'm alright. Let's just. . .finish our Trig problems, okay?" Math was the last thing I wanted to think about, but I knew I absolutely needed to get my mind on something.

"You sure, Bella?" She asked, concerned. I clarified by nodding. "Well, okay." She said quietly, toying with the many rings that decorated her slender fingers. "I guess we can finish our homework then."

-oOo-

I shouldn't have been surprised Edward wasn't in school at all Tuesday.

I was maybe a little when he didn't show up Wednesday.

By Thursday I just assumed he had dropped out all together. Now that was something that certainly _wouldn't_ surprise me. The biggest surprise of all was the fact that he had somehow managed to not get kicked out of the school yet. Having such a sketchy attendance record I was shocked that he was still able to consider himself a student there.

I mean, was it really allowable for a student to miss a whole week for no apparent reason? I didn't _think_ it was but then again, I had been wrong about so many things lately.

Friday was unusually sunny and had everyone in positive spirits. Alice chatted all the way throughout Trig about her weekend plans with Jasper and suggested another date with Mike that I politely declined with a different excuse.

In English we began our first peer-editing session with our editing partners. Edward's absence for yet another group assignment had me feeling both relieved that I didn't have to deal with him, but also frustrated that I was left doing yet another assignment on my own.

Everyone seemed more animated than usual at the lunch table and I found myself actually eager to participate in the various conversations being shared. Even though Rosalie spent most of her time pretending I didn't exist, Emmett spent most of his time hanging on to her every word, and Mike spent most of his time hanging on to _my_ every word, there was still an incredibly friendly aura that filled the attitudes of everyone at the table.

My Mike problem still had yet to disappear and I was constantly trying to avoid any eye contact or conversation with the boy, unsure of any other way to tell him that I wasn't interested. Since I couldn't actually say no to his face, I was hoping my modified silent treatment would give him enough hints.

I tripped over my own feet as I walked into the Biology room as a flash of bronze caught my eye. After my quick recovery I became overwhelmed with the amount of emotions that ran through me. For one, I wanted to turn back around and skip class. I really did consider it, but that would make me a coward. Two, I felt like my lungs were in my throat and that I might just possibly dislodge them from my body. Three, I wanted to run across the room, leap up onto our lab table, and then kick him repeatedly in his pretty face.

To put it all quite simply, Edward's appearance caught me more off guard than I would have expected. I had actually become quite accustomed to enjoying the non-distracting work ethics he gave me by not being there.

As I made what seemed like the longest walk of my life, I cautiously set my backpack down on our desk, staring straight ahead as I let my hair fall to the side of my face, creating a much-needed barrier.

The last time I had seen him had been Monday when he had made his feelings for me perfectly known. Every word from our conversation still rang through my head in perfect clarity, much to my dismay, and for the first time since I had met him, I wanted nothing to do with Edward Cullen.

There were still a few minutes left until class started, so when he knew I wasn't looking I shot him a quick glance, studying his demeanor. Not that I cared. I just. . .was curious, like always. Edward's conditional well-being always had me guessing and rarely was I ever right. His consistency with every other aspect of his life most definitely carried over to his smoking habits. _Not that I cared_.

He was high again but I guess that was just another thing I shouldn't have been surprised about. His eyes were focused absentmindedly towards the front of the room and I wondered idly if the boring white wall or Mrs. Snow's cluttered desk was the scene he was actually seeing. I really doubted it. But you know, whatever it was I really didn't care.

Because I didn't care about Edward Cullen anymore.

I hid my fingers in my lap under our table, literally crossing them in hopes that today would be just a mere work day. As soon as the lab packets began to get passed around and the instructional steps appeared on the over-head's white screen, I physically had to resist the urge to throw up.

I began the process of cleaning the microscope as he surprised me by silently volunteering to prepare the slides. I clicked in the first slide, taking my time in observing the cellular structure I was seeing through the small lens. After that, I took it upon myself to jot down my observations onto the packet before I avoided eye contact and slid the microscope across the desk in his direction. I sure as hell wasn't about to do this whole lab on my own if that's what he had convinced himself.

"Bella. . ." The hesitation and caution behind the effort it took for him to say my name made me angry. I couldn't tell if the slowness was from what ever he had lit up this morning or if he were genuinely nervous of where he thought this conversation was going.

I didn't want it to go anywhere, truthfully. I continued to write down and draw what I was seeing, going on as if he hadn't spoken to me at all. Persistence had never been a quality Edward really held, so I was mildly surprised when he repeated my name once again.

"Bella." His tone was a lot more certain of itself this time, and I unwillingly looked up from my notes to meet his gaze. Bad idea. My breath caught at the intensity of his eyes. It looked as if he were silently pleading with me to respond. I didn't. Instead, I simply just continued to stare at him, waiting for him to go on with whatever was apparently so damn urgent. In my head, I cursed out my inability to not care, also berating myself for not ignoring him.

He caught on to what I was doing after only a few seconds and cleared his throat. "Um, can we talk?" he requested, the hesitation in his voice appearing once again.

I blinked. Since when did Edward want to _talk_. Without replying to him once again I remained silent. Did I really want to hear what he had to say? I was guessing the answer to that question was no. Rarely anything that ever came out of that boy's mouth was positive, so why should this time be any different? But that didn't stop my damn curiosity for peaking. Because due to the fact that Edward never did talk, I unwillingly _did_ wish to hear what he had to say. But then I didn't. Because I didn't care.

Again he picked up what I was doing. He let out an audible sigh, slightly shaking his head with a troubled frown spreading across his lips. "Alright then," he muttered under his breath, raising his eyebrows and looking away for a few moments before his eyes met mine directly once again. "Can you at least listen then?"

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat as he waited for my answer. He was fidgeting more so than usual today which seemed to irritate me in the strangest of ways. When his fingers tapped repeatedly on the desk, the way his eyes darted frantically around the room constantly, his hands that appeared to me attracted like magnets to his messy hair. All of my annoyance suddenly seemed both irrelevant and unnecessary though, because for the first time it seemed like whatever Edward had to say was genuinely important.

"Fine," I allowed him simply.

He let out a deep breath of air in relief. "Okay, thanks," his hand remained fisted in his hair as his eyes dropped to his lap. He was really struggling with this. Whatever _this_ was. It actually made me curious to find out, even though I really didn't want to be on speaking terms with him to begin with.

"So, Monday. . ." he began, squinting his eyes in concentration at the black top as his lips pursed tightly together. "I, uh, wanted to apologize. . .and, yeah. Sorry about before." I was shocked by the sincerity that seemed to be escaping his lips. Well _that_ was definitely unexpected. "It wasn't you, I just. . .didn't want to deal with that."

"With what?" I asked in confusion.

He shook his head with a grimace. "Nothing."

_It wasn't me_. How was that even possible? I was pretty sure that I had both started the whole argument and pushed him farther than his tolerance would allow. It was definitely me. Plus he had said those hurtful words that were very much directed at me as well. "Edward, how was it not me?"

He sighed as the tension grew in his face. After looking away in avoidance for so long I was startled when his head suddenly shot in my direction and I was caught off guard by his startling eyes once again. It was a given that he had been smoking earlier that day, and not just by the redness of his eyes. "You were just at the wrong place at the wrong time, okay? And you said the wrong things."

My patience was apparently very low today as I felt my irritation surface. I narrowed my eyes, unable to stop my next comment. "When exactly would be the _right_ time to talk to you then?" I asked angrily. "What would be the _right_ thing to say?"

He stared at me without the slightest intention to respond. I almost considered that maybe he hadn't heard me, though I was fairly sure my voice was clear enough. Anger had the tendency to make me brave.

"Nothing? Alright, awesome." I responded bitterly to his silence. "I'll keep that in mind next time, don't worry. Do you want me to start now, or should we finish the lab first?" I knew talking to him was a bad idea. "Wouldn't wanna do the wrong thing again," I assured him in a sarcastically harsh apology.

So maybe I was being a little unfair. He _was_ trying to apologize, after all. I was just so sick of the damn rules he always made. Not only were they unreasonable, but the only way I'd figure out what they actually were was when I broke them.

His somber gaze fell to the ground again. "I don't want it to be like that," he said quietly.

The curve ball responses he continued to throw were really beginning to give me a headache. I chuckled humorlessly, still rattled up about his vague statements and refusal to say something of actual substance. "Oh, should we start over then?" I volunteered, annoyed. "You can pretend that I actually know something, and I can pretend that you're not a heartless pothead."

He flinched at my harsh implications as his hand moved up to his hair once again. I pushed the remorse away, remembering the lack of remorse _he_ tended to have upon following the harsh words he had spoken to me. I was positive that the conversation would be over after my unnecessary rant, but he surprised me yet again by turning himself in his seat completely in my direction.

"Bella, you know I didn't mean it," he pleaded softly. It sounded an awful lot like he wanted me to believe him and just leave it at that, but I couldn't. Despite the sincerity that rang in his words, I was not finished making him understand that he had messed up. He needed to acknowledge that the way things were between us were certainly not okay in the slightest. Whether it was because I really did want to help him or that I needed to have him know that hurting people wasn't right, I wasn't sure.

I narrowed my eyes. "Do I?"

"Yes," he replied quickly before he frowned, his forehead creasing. "Don't you?"

"You know, lately from you I don't know what to believe," I snapped harshly. "One minute you're sharing watching a football game and sharing a bowl of popcorn with your autistic brother and the next you're making a majority of your family cry. So no," I concluded sharply. "I don't know that you didn't mean it."

"Well I didn't." He informed me tentatively.

I should have stopped the conversation at that. I should have considered a truce and exited the war path I was on. I should have, but I didn't. The words didn't seem to stop coming. "That's what you say," I sighed, as much as I tried to contain it, my anger was diffusing. "but really, what am I suppose to think next time you say something like that to me?" I paused for a moment, pursing my lips. "I know there's going to be a next time. So do you. So what then, Edward? I'd really like to know."

For the first time since this conversation began, anger flashed very evidently in Edward's green eyes. "The only reason there would ever be a next time is if you blatantly intrude on my personal shit like that again." His eyes narrowed very pointedly. "So that 'next time' would really be determined by you."

This was really getting old. Not only was I sick of feeling so irritated all the time, but I was also sick of him just assuming he could tell me things like they were so black and white. "No," I quickly retorted angrily, "_Next time_ I choose to simply state my opinion and you get all hot-headed about it, it will _not_ be my fault." I just noticed that this was probably the longest conversation we'd ever shared. How ironic it was that we were arguing. Imagine _that_. "Your ridiculous temper tantrums have absolutely no relevance to what I say and what I don't say. 'Next time', which will happen, knowing your lovely tolerance towards anything involving an unavoidable conversation about you, will inconsequentially be _your _fault." I felt a sense of accomplishment swell through me that for once, I had been able to get my point across to him without losing my nerve.

He looked furious with my assessments. His breathing was louder than usual, and his hands were in restrained fists like he was trying not to reach out and suffocate the air from my lungs. What seemed like hours passed between the thick air between our steady glares. Finally, his eyes dropped down to the table, his eyes grew defeated, and the hard line present in his jaw became more relaxed.

"Bella," he stated calmly. "I wanted to apologize for the things I said the other night. I needed to. They were inexcusable. I have no intentions of admitting that you're right in anyway, but I do want you to know that I really am sorry for what I said to you Monday." He grimaced, still looking down as he shook his head. "Really, I am. And these days, I'm rarely genuinely sorry about anything anymore."

I finally dropped my vengeance. He really was sorry. Marijuana or not, I knew he meant it. He meant what he said which I knew was rare. There were no more reasons to dwell on it.

I thought back to Alice's mirror, matching the story up to the remains of the boy that sat beside me with his eyes glued to the desk in what looked to be despair. In that instant, as he suddenly looked up at me and I stared into a set of green eyes filled emotions I would never understand, I realized how easy it was to fall for the appeal of what Edward had been.

* * *

_Back off, I'll take you on,  
Headstrong, to take on anyone.  
I know that you are wrong.  
Headstrong, we're headstrong.  
_- Headstrong, Trapt

**I know, I wanna slap him too. -sigh-**

**I'm goin' on a long, long road trip and need some song recomendations. Pretty please will you send me some? Thank you muchos, my dears.**

**And due to the conflict this road trip will create, Chapter 7 will be up next Wednesday. Believe me, I was going to post it sooner but then you'd only have to wait for 8 longer. So...I promise when I get back, I'll make it up to you. Deal?**

**It'd make me awfully happy if you'd drop a review. (:  
**


	7. Only Exception

**A/N: *****does several happy dances*** **Gah, I just wanna tackle hug all of you. Thanks for all the song/story recs. And for your reviews. I love it when you tell me your favorite parts. . .Hell, thanks for reading! Much love to all you guys. You make my flipping day. I sit by my email waiting to read all your reviews. (:**

**So MB, much love to **_**you**_** for giving this chapter some much needed lovin' and being able to pull off the impossible. I owe you. Because I honestly don't know what I would do without you, bbs.**

* * *

It was Friday night in Forks, which meant there was only one thing for everyone in the town to do. Watch some stinkin' high school baseball. After the confusing day I had had and dealing with a new side of Edward, being a sports speculator was the last thing I really wanted to do. But since Charlie was working an overnight shift at the station, my excuses were all flushed down the toilet in terms of getting out of Alice's plans.

Why Alice needed me to tag along when she already had Rosalie to gush over the tight white athletic pants all of the boys wore was beyond me. Since it was literally impossible to say no to Alice though, I found myself agreeing without even trying to come up with an escape route.

I drove home with Alice as usual. It had never occurred to me what a repeating cycle I had fallen into. At least half the time, Alice picked me up in the mornings. The other half I drove myself. Alice and I talked all throughout Trig. Half of the time Edward's desk was occupied in English, half of the time it wasn't. Lunch was always pleasant – the conversations were simple and the company was nice. Spanish and World History held nothing of interest. Biology was the only exception to the pattern, always seeming to surprise me with the varied results I seemed to be getting with every other class period. Then Alice would either bring me home after school or back to her house.

It wasn't a pattern I was complaining about, I just wished I could be getting more out of it. I wished that something relevant and eventful would happen so that I didn't have to sit around and make up different scenarios in my head all of the time.

Charlie was more than thrilled about my social life. Apparently he was a big fan of the Cullen's, knowing Carlisle I'm sure, and he couldn't have been any happier that my circle of friends involved Alice Cullen. Whenever I brought her home it was hard to avoid Charlie's overly enthusiastic attempts at conversation with her. I guess she couldn't help how lovable of a person she was.

Alice led me straight up to her room as soon as we arrived at her house, claiming that preparations for the game needed to be done as soon as possible. I guess we were suppose to meet Rosalie at the diner to eat before we went to watch the game which made more sense why the rushing was necessary.

I managed to avoid getting dolled up by Alice, which truly was the closest thing to a miracle I'd ever come across. Of course, she lectured me for a good five minutes about how the only reason she wasn't applying mascara to my eyelashes that very moment was because there simply wasn't enough time for both of us. I had happily volunteered to be the one that had to pass on the animal-killing products.

Unfortunately, my apparent luck didn't want to last. While my face had been deemed acceptable for the night, my attire hadn't. She demanded that I changed into a pair of her dark blue designer skinnies and that I borrow her Forks High hoodie. I could hardly complain though. If all I had to do for the night was squeeze my butt into a pair of jeans that were two-sizes to small, I'd willingly accept that without complaints. Besides, my non-refusal was one of the reasons Alice's mood was more chipper than usual.

After looking around in both her drawers and large closet, she placed her hands defiantly on her hips as she grimaced, pursing her glossy lips. "Why can't I find that damn thing?" she mused to herself.

I was about to inform her that a search party wasn't really necessary; that I was completely content in the plain green zip-up hoodie I was already wearing, but a knowing look quickly lit up her eyes. "You know what? I bet Emmett has it. Esme usual does laundry and sometimes gives him mine by accident." She walked back over to her large vanity, presuming on what she had been doing before. "Can you go and ask him for it? He's in his room getting ready for the game. I have to quick finish my hair."

"Okay," I agreed, using the small window she had given me to escape her vanilla-scented room before she had the chance to change her mind about not doing my make-up. "Third bedroom on the left, right?" The bedroom next to Edward's, if I remembered correctly. His name which I had been doing such a good job of keeping out of my thoughts suddenly occupied my mind with an unnecessary amount of focus on all things _him_. It was annoying, really. How quickly and easily it was for him to just. . .show up there. Sometimes he would randomly, and sometimes it was out of cosequence.

Emmett's door was closed. I stood outside of it for a few moments before tentatively knocking on the honey colored wood. A few moments later it swung open. "Wazzup, Bella?" He grinned, leaning against the door frame.

I could never really understand why, but Emmett was the easiest person not to be nervous around. "Alice thinks you may have her school sweatshirt." I stated in exasperation that I knew he would fully understand.

"Sorry that you have to wear that," he snickered, knowing exactly what my requirements for being Alice's friend were. "She's right, I think. It's probably somewhere in my closet. Come on in!" He exclaimed, now amused.

I had never been in Emmett's room before. Come to think of it, I had never been in anyone's room before. Except Alice's, of course. I was extremely surprised to find out that Emmett's way of living was remotely neat. There were no clothes on the floor, his bed was made, everything seemed to be where it belonged. . .Hell, I didn't even think _my_ room was this clean.

Before I could commend him on his tidiness he had disappeared into his large walk-in closet, identical to Alice's. I glanced over to the wall beside where I was standing, noticing it to be plastered up messily – the navy paint covered by an endless collage of pictures.

As I heard Emmett mutter to himself while he rummaged through the contents of his closet, I turned to face the wall completely, allowing myself a better look at all of the photos. There were an endless amount of various pictures of him and a beautiful Rosalie, no surprise there. He had a couple with Mike, some with Jasper. There were also a few with Carlisle and Esme.

My eyes zeroed in on the group of pictures towards the bottom of the cluttered arrangement, all seeming to be featuring the same person. In one of the pictures Emmett had an arm slung happily over Edward's shoulder as the two posed at what looked like a professional baseball game. I couldn't remove my eyes from the startling differences I saw in Edward. His eyes were beaming with an amount of enthusiasm I didn't think was ever possible for him to produce. They showed no signs of red, and his bronze hair seemed to dance in the sunlight more than usual as he flashed a smile revealing his perfect white teeth.

As I moved on from picture to picture, all of his expressions seemed incredibly similar. All of his expressions seemed _happy_. It was hard not to smile myself at the images before me. There was one picture of what I was guessing to be a family portrait. Everyone was coordinated in a white-shirt/blue-jean combo as the bright blue sky and pretty green grass filled the background scenery. I studied their parents. Their mom looked incredibly similar to a female, more petite version of Emmett while their father held striking resemblances to both Seth and Edward.

I was over-taken by an unexpected emotion as I moved on to a picture containing the three brothers. It couldn't have been more than a couple of years old. They were standing on what looked like the fairway of a golf course. Each boy was dressed in very formally appropriate attire – bright collared shirts tucked into their matching plaid shorts with a white belt to tie together the ensemble.

Emmett had a playful grimace on his face, gesturing down to his pants with a 'what the hell am I wearing' expression as he rested an arm casually on Edward's shoulder, leaning against him. Edward wore the same smile on his face that he did in every other picture Emmett seemed to have. Seth was perched up on his shoulders, smiling bigger than I had ever seen him, holding a golf club in his hand in a motion that suggested he was going to hit Emmett over the head with it.

I don't know what trigged the sudden blurriness of my vision, but I quickly blinked it away before the tears had a chance to surface.

Even though in a way, he looked the same as he did in all the others, this picture was different. Everything about it was so refreshingly innocent. From his preppy rich kid clothes to the crooked smile staring directly into the camera, Emmett and Seth both completely oblivious to the moment being captured on film, this picture was the one that made me smile the widest. There wasn't a trace of any emotion but complete ecstasy in his facial expression, and that comforted me enough to believe that maybe sometime, I could see that same smile.

Before I knew what I was doing, I hastily pulled my cell phone from the confines of my jeans, snapping a picture of the picture I knew I'd spend hours of my time observing. Right as I was shoving my phone back into my pocket, Emmett finally appeared, twirling the hoodie around in his hand.

"Finally found that son of a bitc–" He stopped himself as he noticed what my attention had been focused so intently on. A curious eyebrow rose with a hint of a smile playing at his lips. "Admiring the collection, huh?"

I smiled tentatively at him, nodding. He walked over to stand beside me, also gazing at the pictures he had once taped up. "Do you miss them, Emmett?" I suddenly asked in a whisper. My eyes grew wide when I realized how sensitive of a question that probably was to him, and how out-of-line it had been for me to ask it. I had this problem, I had discovered shortly after moving to Forks, that my general judgment on what appropriate questions were to ask was basically horrible. Or maybe it was the fact that the filter between my brain and my mouth was either broken or gone.

He gave me an assuring grin to let me know that I hadn't crossed a line. I sighed, relieved. "Yeah, obviously," he answered matter-of-factly, without so much as a trace of sadness. "I mean, it was really sudden, you know? Not much warning or anything. But yeah. I miss them."

I frowned. "I'm sorry."

"For what? You asked an honest question, Bella. Hell, that's the kind of question I'd ask too." He chuckled, shaking his head. "Don't be sorry."

I smiled, "Okay." A long silence followed as Emmett and I looked at the pictures. "You never seem sad about it. Why is that?" I asked, before realizing that my mouth had opened involuntarily once again. Maybe investing in some duct tape would be a wise idea in the future.

He looked completely at ease, almost even content in answering my questions. "Because I know they wouldn't want me to be," he responded simply. "I mean, sure I could spend all of my time moping, but what good is that gonna do? It's life. Shit happens. You gotta move on whether you want to or not."

His statement held more truth and meaning to it than he had probably intended it to. It was just the simplicity of it that caught me off guard, how good with life he seemed to be. I sighed quietly to myself. If only everyone could think that way. The world would have been such an easier place. "Do you miss _him_?" I asked quietly, biting my lip.

Entering his room I honestly had no intentions of drilling him with personal questions, but now that I was, I couldn't seem to stop. I was just so used to be denied a response all the time, and for the past month, curiosity had been practically eating me alive.

"Yeah," he replied quietly before his somber gaze shot down to meet mine. "More than you know." He chuckled again, shaking his head slightly as his eyes moved back towards the many pictures. "It sucks, Bella. I mean, I could care less that he's doing all sorts of bad shit, I just can't stand the fact that his personality died in that damn car crash too. These days, it's like he's not even there."

Not expecting to have gotten such a response from him, I was surprised by the intensity of his words. I frowned, sad by just how much Emmett really missed who Edward used to be. Just like Alice had said, I realized that she had been a hundred percent accurate in her assumption.

"Yeah," I responded sympathetically, "I know." Because really, what else was there to say that he hadn't just said? I could tell the conversation was over, so I plastered a smile on my face as I reached my hand out for the sweatshirt. He quickly handed it to me, returning the smile.

"Thanks, Em," I began stepping backwards in the direction of the door. "Good luck with your game tonight," I called. He gave me a huge grin that revealed his straight white teeth in an intimidating smile as he nodded in obvious excitement. "Kick some ass, alright?"

"Oh, there will be some ass-kicking. Guaranteed, Bella," he promised as I exited his room, chuckling to myself.

The diner with Rosalie had been fine. She was in a better mood than I think I'd seen her all year, but I didn't even bother asking why. I knew any hope of her liking me in the slightest would be gone as soon as I opened my relentless mouth. So I remained quiet a majority of the night, sitting through the baseball game in a daze as my mind wandered repeatedly back to the picture of the three boys.

I wanted to get him like that again. I wanted to be the person that shook him from his so profound misery. He sure as hell couldn't do it on his own and I knew that he would need an overwhelming amount of help. I wanted to do it though.

With a feeling of desire stronger than I had ever felt before, I wanted to make Edward Cullen the smiling boy I had seen in Emmett's pictures. I wanted to make his family happy again, I wanted to make _him_ happy again, and I wanted to him to actually live life.

And at the same time, I wanted to go on with my life as if he had never made a dent in it at all.

He had made it clear, more times than necessary probably, that help was the last thing he wanted. It was just so hard to believe that he wanted to stay like that forever though. That he really wanted to waste away his life getting wasted. I was torn between trying to sew him back together, or just leaving him the hell alone.

If I didn't try to fix him though, I had this strong feeling that no one else would. Esme and Carlisle were useless. As much as they thought they were trying and as much as they probably wanted to help him, they both knew that it was a useless effort, that they weren't making even the slightest impact on him. They weren't his parents – they knew that. So did Edward. His parents had died, as did he apparently.

So I'd try. I didn't know how, but I would. I'd be patient with his anger, I'd only push when I knew he could handle it, and I would make him understand that I held genuine interest in him as a person. I knew it was a long shot, and that I was no different than anyone else who had tried, but I had to. I _had_ to try.

Because up until now, I had been living in a bubble. When I lived with Renee, life was simple. I went to school, I did things with friends, I maintained good grades. Life couldn't have been easier to figure out. When I moved in with Charlie, life was simple. I cooked for him, I did things with friends, I maintained good grades. Until Edward happened. Lately I had been finding it hard to concentrate on any of the simplicity I had once been provided, too focused on the complex person who wanted nothing to do with me.

So I had to make things simple again.

I had to get him back on track with his life, get him off those damn drugs, and make him remember how good life had once been for him. I had to, because of I didn't, no one would.

We won our game that night, putting us at ten wins and zero losses for the season. Emmett had followed through on his promise, playing the game of his life and taking a majority of the credit for the well-deserved victory.

Charlie was already asleep when I arrived back at the house, indication that his early slumber was the result of an incredibly long day at work. I made sure to set my alarm early enough to bring him breakfast in bed the next morning, something I knew he deserved. After taking a quick shower and brushing my teeth, I ended up calling it a day as well.

That night I dreamed of polos, plaid shorts, green golf courses, and dazzling smiles.

-oOo-

Saturday and Sunday had been rainy days. I had stayed home all weekend, mainly trying to occupy myself with something to do at all time. I got ahead in my school work, I cleaned the house better than I'm sure it had ever been, and I watched an overwhelming amount of movies that I needed to catch up on.

Monday started out in a disaster, the rain still coming down strong. I slept through my alarm, something I had never done. Then, I missed Charlie's wake-up call as well and managed to miss Alice's three texts asking me why I wasn't at school yet since I always drove myself on Mondays.

I glanced at the clock and groaned, burying my face in my pillow in self-hatred. First period had started ten minutes ago and I was currently lying in my bed without even the slightest incentive to get up as the rain pounded loudly against my window, showing no signs of ever letting up. I stayed in bed for a few moments, seriously considering just taking a sick day. Would it really be all that bad? I could easily rebound in terms of missing a day of school.

I sighed, grudgingly removing the soft comforter from over my body and sliding unwillingly from the warm confines of my bed. A half hour later, after shoving a poptart down my throat, throwing my hair up in a messy bun, hastily putting on some jeans and a sweatshirt, I was ready for departure. I drew my hood up, even though the rain seemed to be coming down lighter now, and ran out to my truck.

I arrived at school, finding the parking lot unsurprisingly full at my hour's tardiness. I drove around aimlessly for a few minutes, trying to find a place to park my protesting vehicle. I ended up finding a place a few blocks away, to my extreme displeasure, and had to begin my long walk across the grassy phy-ed field.

As I passed the track shed, I noticed a group of people sitting under the small shelter the roof provided, leaning against the wood of the building. Keeping my steady gaze straight ahead, I didn't want to acknowledge the burn-outs as I pressed on.

Unfortunately, I heard my name through the light rain and froze at the familiarity of the tone. I remained still for a moment, contemplating my options. I could have just kept walking – pretended that I hadn't heard the urgency in his tone and get to class before I became any later. Or I could have turned around, an option I knew would be dangerous.

I turned around. Sure enough, Edward sat there like the rest of them, joint in hand with a light haze of smoke surrounding himself. I hadn't recognized him before, his disarray of hair had been covered by a gray knit cap. The four others around him who I didn't recognize seemed completely oblivious to my presence, all focused on taking care of themselves, for lack of better terms. His eyes were the main source of my anger, as they were redder than ever. He was gazing at me in confusion, green eyes hidden by large black pupils, as I stood there letting the rain soak me even further. The sight of him actually had me shaking in sudden irritation. What was I doing here?

I promptly spun myself back in the direction of the school, annoyed that I had even stopped in the first place. But then I heard my name again, and my heart stopped. I had been unaware that two simple syllables, a mere name, could hold that much of a broken plea. I stopped again, this time because I had to. "Bella, wait!"

When I turned around, he was walking towards me. I crossed my arms as he approached, the rain now dripping from his face as well as he subjected himself to stand in front of me. He had his hands shoved into his pockets and his head lowered.

"Can we. . .can we talk about this?" he asked, struggling immensely to get the words out as his stare remained frozen to the ground. That was probably better. I knew I couldn't handle seeing his eyes again.

Since when did Edward actually want to talk about something? I just stood there in the rain, looking up at his head slung miserably down, not saying a single word. Without warning his eyes suddenly shot up to meet mine. They were fuming. I automatically took a step back, unsure of what his temperamental mood would consist of today.

"Why the hell do you care so much anyways?" He demanded, narrowing his bloodshot eyes in an unreasonable glare. He was already yelling at me, and I hadn't said a damn word yet.

"I didn't say anything, did I?" I snapped back, about to turn and leave him once again before I noticed his face fall. His face became truly apologetic as it fell back to the wet grass in dismay.

"Shit," he shook his head in what looked like a painful way. "Just. . .just wait here for a second, okay? I'll be right back." Before I could respond to his request, before I could turn _down_ his request, he disappeared to the side of the shed he had been before, now invisible for me to see.

I debated on leaving. He didn't need to explain himself to me. Besides, the scene before me had been pretty self-explanatory. I didn't want to have this conversation now. I was already late and standing here would only make me later. Something told me this was important though. That his pleading for me to stay had been genuine, as ridiculous as the concept was. I waited. Waited for one minute, two minutes, three minutes. . .

He appeared again, jogging around the corner back to his place in front of me again. "Hey, sorry. I just had to get my things." His things? I glanced down at his empty hands. A response to his apology wasn't really necessary. I simply walked on to where my original destination had been.

"Not you too," he suddenly exclaimed in exasperation that seemed to be entirely pleading. "_Please_ not you too," he begged as he quickly caught up to my brisk pace. "God, I can't deal with another fucking person looking at me like I've done something wrong," he told me in a tone that could only be self-resentment.

I kept walking. This was discussion I wanted to have after he hadn't just been smoking for god knows how long. I was angry with him for just being able to assume that what he wanted resolved solely around just that.

He let out a loud, frustrated groan, bringing his hands up to his head to fist tightly into his gray hat. "Will you just fucking stop for a minute? And listen, maybe?"

I finally stopped and averted my now angry gaze in his direction. "Listen to what?" I inquired acidly. "You tell me you're sorry? For what? It's your own damn life, Edward," I exclaimed in exhausted exasperation. "Do whatever you want with it, I guess."

His face fell as he remained rooted in front of me. Once again, it looked like the struggle he was having to find words was immense. I couldn't concur whether it was from the marijuana or that he was actually finding it hard to talk to me. His hand rubbed the back of his neck nervously as his mouth parted opened and then closed several times.

I knew my resemblance was that of someone who had just gotten out of a pool. I knew second period had already begun and that I was missing an important lecture day. I knew Edward had something important to say though, and I knew whatever that something was, he was having difficulty finding the words.

As his face dripped with water, he met my gaze directly, eyes looking up at me through his long, damp lashes. In that second, I knew it would have been possible for me to melt. "I don't care what people think of me," his tone was wary and unmistakably dejected. "I haven't in a long time." There was a long, painful pause before his expression became completely torn. "So why the fuck do you have to be the one damn exception?"

I knew he would never admit that he needed me, but in that moment it was clear that he did. But I couldn't do anything about it. I could only stare at him in mere shock, entirely stunned by his unexpected words. And before I knew what I was doing, I was running. Retreating from his pleading green eyes that had been full of so much confusion.

I wanted to scream. I was beyond overwhelmed and had no idea what I was doing. I was shocked that he had actually admitted that to me, more than shocked that I was the only apparent exception, and confused as to just what exactly he had meant. I was also filled with hope that maybe we had finally reached a breakthrough, and maybe, just maybe, he would finally let me in. And then there was the guilt. Why had I fled so quickly? Why had I just left him there like that? I shook my head, disgusted with how hypocritical I was being. All I wanted was for him to talk to me, and when he finally did, I ran. Maybe it was because I knew I wasn't in the right mind set for that kind of conversation. Or maybe I had just royally screwed over any chances I had left to save him.

I managed to make it in time for the second half of English, making up a bogus dentist appointment I'd had earlier that morning. Of course, Edward wasn't in class. During lunch I explained to Alice about how I had slept through my alarm and had to park far away due to lack of available spaces. I skipped the part about Edward, deciding it was something she probably didn't need to know. Since my clothes were still incredibly damp, she let me borrow a dry outfit she had conveniently folded in her locker.

The whole day consisted of me trying to forget about earlier that day. As much as I tried to stop the conversation from replaying in my mind though, it just didn't seem to go away. It was like a never-ending echo throughout my every thought.

I knew better than to get my hopes up to believe that what he had said had been true. It was unlikely that he really valued my opinions about him. He had been taking hits for a while before I had even walked past him. His mind had been unclear, just like his concentration, and his inability to form words. It hadn't just been that though. There had been something else, and it frustrated me till no end that I could not figure out what that something else had been. It hadn't just been the weed though. I was sure of that.

But I refused to think about it. Because there were absolutely no explanations as to what had happened earlier that morning.

I wasn't expecting him to show up for Biology, so I wasn't surprised in the slightest when I sat next to an empty seat throughout the whole class. The rain had never let up, causing an overall dreary mood to anyone it affected, which was basically everyone.

After school Alice dropped me off by my truck so I wouldn't have to walk through the rain. I drove home in a sleepy daze, exhausted from nothing in particular. Charlie wasn't going to be home until later that night so I figured I'd just wait to make dinner until then. The rain grew thicker as I approached my house, allowing me minimum vision out of the windshield.

I cautiously pulled into my driveway when I noticed a car parked in it. I nearly crashed into the car when I realized who's it was. I immediately shut off the ignition and flew out the door. What was he doing here? I expected to find him sitting in his Volvo, but he wasn't. Then my eyes found him.

He was sitting on the cement, his back resting against the closed garage door. His knees were brought up tightly to his torso while his arms were folded over them. His head was buried in his arms, and the sight of him actually made me hurt. Everything about his miserable position had me wanting to run to him, to wrap my arms around his broken frame. He was completely soaked. He must have been sitting there for a long time. Before I made any attempts at getting his attention, his eyes suddenly shot up, immediately meeting mine as if he had felt them upon his body.

I gasped as every muscle in my body seemed to freeze.

Edward's eyes were red. Edward's eyes were _puffy_. They were red, puffy, and they weren't like that from the smoking he had been doing earlier. They were red and puffy because Edward had been crying.

A lot.

As his green eyes bore into mine for what seemed like an entire lifetime, he finally spoke. His whole expression appeared to be silently pleading with me as he struggled for words more than I had ever seen him before.

The trembling whisper he was finally able to produce nearly broke my heart. "I think I wanna talk now."

* * *

_How can you see into my eyes like open doors?_  
_Leading you down into my core, where I've become so numb._  
_Without a soul, my spirit sleeping somewhere cold,_  
_Until you find it there and lead it back home._

_Wake me up, __(Wake me up inside)_  
_I can't wake up, __(Wake me up inside)_  
_Save me, __(Call my name and save me from the dark)_

_Wake me up, __(Bid my blood to run)_  
_I can't wake up, __(Before I come undone)_  
_Save me, __(Save me from the nothing I've become)  
- _Bring Me To Life, Evanescence

**To clarify everything, I'm leaving for my road trip tomorrow morning and will be back on the 13th. I will post 8 as soon as I get back, and I _promise_, I'll make it up to you guys buy waiting this long. If I can somehow get wi-fi, I'll post on twitter and keep you guys posted. I promise, I am _not_ abandoning you!**

**Review and let me know how annoyed you are that I cut it off there. ;)**


	8. That Guy

**A/N: I'm BACK! Okay, okay. So I missed the shit outta you guys, to begin with. I got home super late last night, couldn't move I was so exhausted, and decided to post this right away in the morning. BUT. Since my life literally hates me, apparently they cut off our internet while I was gone. So I've been waiting, and waiting, and waiting for them to turn it back on, and they FINALLY DID. So, apologies times a million to the lateness of this, here is chapter 8. (:**

**I'm not ignoring you, I swear. I'm responding to all of your FABULOUS reviews as soon as I post this. I just didn't want to make you guys wait any longer. And when I say fabulous reviews, I really mean "holy mother you all rock my world with your flipping amazing words of encouragement, love, and general awesomeness!"**

**MB, I love you, bbs. Thanks for pretti-fying this chapter.**

* * *

"_I think I wanna talk now."_

My mouth popped open. Then closed. Then opened once again.

I stared at him, startled by the way his arms seemed to be trembling as they wound themselves tightly around his knees now, his eyes never leaving mine. I apprehensively took a step towards him, overwhelmed by the mixed emotions that seemed to be evident throughout his face. Shock was the understatement to describe my current feelings.

I managed to find my voice. "Are–" I swallowed, hesitating to speak. "Are you sure?"

His gaze moved stubbornly down to the ground between his legs. The conflict he seemed to be struggling with as he contemplated my answer was painfully extensive. I heard him sigh. "No," he finally responded. "I mean, fuck. I don't know what I want. I just. . .God, I just don't know."

I remained standing completely frozen before him as the pouring rain remained relentless around us, something that seemed oddly insignificant at the moment. I couldn't get past his eyes. Even through the water dripping profoundly from his face, they looked sore. Like they literally hurt. His gaze continued shifting from mine, back to the ground, then to mine again. I realized that however I proceed on with this, it needed to be done very cautiously. I understood that I was walking a very thin line, and I needed to be extremely careful. If I said one wrong thing, did one wrong thing, I knew Edward would be gone.

Moving as slowly as ever, I cautiously lowered onto the ground beside him. I kept my distance from him. I was far enough away that he wouldn't feel crowded, but close enough so that I could hear his soft voice through the downpour. I wrapped my arms tightly around my chest, ignoring the urge to chatter my teeth as I felt Alice's spare clothes follow the same fate my outfit from earlier that morning had. I straightened my legs out in front of me, my soaked black converse pointing towards the sky as I glanced over to find him in not having moved even the slightest inch.

"I'll just sit here," I finally offered. "I won't say a single word."

I was patient when he didn't respond at first, gaze still focused intently on the damp cement. The gray knit cap he'd had on this morning no longer hiding his copper hair. Instead of it being its usual telltale messiness though, it fell over his eyes, the reddish strands dripping around his face.

Without warning he sharply snapped his head up, keeping it firmly supported against the garage door as he now stared up at the falling rain. His eyes were shut now, making it impossible for me to decipher anything. He sighed, loud, audible, and exhausted.

"I'm so sick of feeling like shit," he finally said after letting the rain pour onto his face. "My lungs hurt, my eyes hurt, my body hurts," he paused, and by the very swift sideways glance I received from him it was like he was making sure I wasn't going to suddenly start preaching to him. Something I had grudgingly been known for in his eyes, apparently.

He went on, his tone slightly more defensive this time. "My mind. It always fucking hurts. I know you think it's a shit-ass cop-out, smoking I mean, but _this_," he squinted his eyes in referral to his constant drug use. "This makes it less scary. Instead of having to feel something, I feel nothing." He seemed quiet for a moment then before his voice dropped down to a whisper, so much that I had to strain to hear him through the downpour around us. "But sometimes, I can't even stand that either."

He must have read the evident confusion on my face as the ghost of a smile appeared at his lips for just a mere second before he continued on with his very complicated explanation. "Some days I feel nothing. . .and then some days it just comes out of fucking nowhere." I watched in bewilderment as his hands fisted into tight balls, clinging onto the wet denim of his jeans. "The anger, I mean. I'll be fine, and then I'll just. . .be absolutely fucking furious," he stopped again, this time letting out a loud moan before swiftly slamming his head back against the now trembling garage door in what looked like an incredibly painful movement. In the midst of his frustration, I could tell that he was exhausted with feeling this way. He _did_ care.

"And I don't know why," he declared sharply, clearly growing frustrated at the scary situation he was currently describing. "I _never_ know why," he finished with a sigh. I figured he was done. He had said more than I ever imagined he would and I knew I shouldn't have been getting my hopes up for more.

I bit my lip and stopped myself from saying anything. From letting him know that the source of all the miserable emotion swings he seemed to be describing could only have been the result of smoking pot everyday. I couldn't give him that advice though, because I knew he didn't want it. He just wanted me to listen.

I wasn't here to fix anything. I was here to listen.

"That's not all though," he went on to explain, struggling with his words once again. "When it's not numbness, and I'm not mad, I'm sad. . ." His eyes fell absentmindedly to the ground once again and this whole time he seemed so entirely reluctant to meet my gaze. "It's the sadness that I can't stand. I fucking hate it. Just like the anger, it'll come out of nowhere." His tone grew somber. ". . .And some days, I'll be so fucking depressed that I can't even bear moving. It's just. . .exhausting." His eyes fell shut. "All of it is."

What he was describing sounded absolutely terrifying. I shivered, and it wasn't from the freezing rain. As soon as the panic set in and I began to worry that his sudden openness had come to an end, he started up again.

"I mean, sometimes I actually try," he abruptly continued, now idly picking at his soaked hair. He wasn't speaking to me, he wasn't even speaking to himself. He was talking to the ground and the ground alone. "There will be rare days where I think things will finally get better. But then they don't, and dealing with the consequences fucking sucks." His shoulders slumped forward as the hard line in his jaw seemed to relax. "So I don't try, because losing to all my fucking emotions is worse than just dealing with them in the first place."

I had been so convinced that the death of his parents was what caused so much hell in his life, but now? Now I wasn't so sure. What Edward was describing. . .it went so much deeper than I think anyone could ever begin to realize.

"Does this–" I had started speaking before I realized it and quickly cut myself off, clamping my lips tightly together. Tentatively, I followed suit, staring down at the ground in extreme concern that I had upset him by speaking.

The last thing I expected to come from his mouth was laughter. But it did. And the way it sounded actually scared me. His raspy chuckles didn't sound right at all. They made him sound like a crazy person, which I was suddenly beginning to worry might have been exactly the case.

"Bella," he finally stated flatly. "Christ, you can talk if you want to."

I let my irritation pass before I started over again. _Patience_, I reminded myself strictly. He still wasn't looking at me, but I knew he was waiting for me to talk. The question I had been about to ask couldn't seem to produce itself as I attempted opening my mouth, so I just glared ahead in utter frustration. I had no intentions of asking him anymore, having lost the courage to.

Edward didn't look as tense anymore. He looked almost. . .relieved? The way his posture remained the same yet seemed to relax had me wondering what he was thinking. He had on a poker face, making it impossible for me to even guess.

"Hello?" He teased in an anxious tone, doing yet another one-eight on me in terms of how he seemed to be feeling at the moment. At the moment, Edward seemed almost content. "Earth to Bella? Thought ya had something to say?"

I sighed loudly, pushing away the wet strands of hair that had gathered over my eyes. This was going to make him leave. I had no doubt. "Does this have to do with your parents?"

Any signs of relaxation he had been showing before abruptly vanished merely seconds after I had spoken and his walls were once again up. "Not going there," he refused immediately. He wasn't staring down anymore, he was glaring ahead in resentment I would never be able to understand. He didn't want to go there, but I felt like it was the one place most necessary.

"Okay," I responded simply.

At this point I couldn't stop the involuntary shaking my body seemed to be doing. The icy temperatures of the rain were unforgiving as the droplets suddenly began to feel like needles digging into the skin on my cheeks.

He suddenly sat up straight and stiffened, his lips parting slightly as a loud sigh of frustration escaped before a look of disgust suddenly crossed his face. Before I could react, his now hostile glower was directed at me. My breath caught, but something about his glare seemed to indicate that the sudden anger was not intended to be for my benefit.

His voice was a bit quieter when it spoke this time, his tone completely dejected, yet colder than I had ever heard it before. "I know exactly how they wanted me," he concluded firmly. "And I'm so fucking done trying to be that person."

So some of it was about his parents. Some of it. . .but what about his parents and what else was I missing? He didn't seem torn up about their deaths like I had expected him to. In fact, I was completely taken by surprise when he didn't mention how much of a loss he was suffering. Instead, the clipped pronunciation of his words made it seem like he was suffering a much different loss. _Many_ different losses. His childhood to his parents, his sanity in the wreck, his normalcy from the tragedy. . .

I was startled because for the first time in the conversation, Edward seemed to be looking at me. I mean, _really_ looking at me. His stare was hard, eyes narrowed like he was waiting for me to challenge him. To simply dismiss all the information he had just shared with me.

I blinked. I realized that he wanted me to speak. He was _waiting_ for me to speak. And I had absolutely nothing to say.

I was shivering, but part of me wondered if the rain was the only thing that was causing coolness to spread throughout my body. I hated these conversations, and God did I wish we wouldn't always have to have them. What Edward had told me. . .the things he had said. . .They actually scared me. Genuinely scared me. I didn't know where to begin, or if I would even be able to. He had distanced himself to a place no one should ever have to go. He was lost beyond capability of finding his way back, and the condition he seemed to be in was entirely beyond the drugs. I couldn't even imagine the things he was describing, nor did I want to.

I could think of only one thing to say, and I knew he would absolutely hate it. I took a deep breath. I was sure that my next question would be the source of his abrupt dismissal. Unable to keep my eyes locked in his powerful stare, I dropped them to the ground. "Edward. . ." I began, biting my lip. "Have you ever, you know, maybe considered some sort of medication? Just considered it? A little?"

Edward shook his head in obvious frustration before I had even finished speaking. "You tell me how a little fucking pill is supposed to fix _this_," he gestured a brisk hand towards himself. "And I'll take the fuckers."

I had no knowledge in this area and honestly had no idea where to begin. But I had to say something, give him some sort of assurance, so that the idea would be in his head. I racked through my brain, trying to find anything Charlie may have ever explained to me about a situation like this. But there never _had_ been a situation like this, I knew that suddenly, I was dreading in extremely rocky waters.

"Have you ever actually tried taking any?" I asked cautious, tilting my head as I gave him a sideways glance. "How can you be so sure they're not gonna help?"

He through his hands in the air in exasperation, letting a frustrated growl. "Because how the fuck are they going to, Bella?" He was practically yelling now. "How the fuck are they suppose to just magically make things all better and shit? Even if they helped a little, that wouldn't solve anything. I'd still have the exact same ugly insides as I do now."

I suddenly felt sick. Horrified. He wasn't going to allow himself an escape. He wasn't looking for pity, he wasn't looking for redemption. He was giving up and allowing it to happen without an ounce of fight in him. He didn't want things to change to happen. He wanted _nothing_. Edward Cullen was being consumed by his demons. And the scariest part of all was the sense I had that he was completely willing to let that happen.

How he had described himself before – his description had been completely spot on. His anger had taken over him only for his depression to reach what looked to be its absolute lowest. Erratic wasn't even a good enough word to describe his rapid mood swings anymore. I don't think any word was a good enough word.

In retrospect, there was so much more to talk about. What Edward told me hadn't even covered half of the things I knew he was keeping away from me. From everyone. I couldn't push anymore today. I couldn't bear to watch his unraveling.

I sighed. Sighed because my fists were now clenched tightly together as my arms remained crossed, fighting the urge to reach out and wrap them around him, to give him some sort of comfort. "Just. . .consider it, okay?" I pleaded softly. "I know it seems like an impossible concept, but it's not."

At first he gave no signs that he had even heard me. I could see the blankness on his face as his unfocused eyes remained glued to the ground below him. His fingers traced aimless circles on the wet cement, showing little indication that he was ever going to speak again. But I was wrong.

"I'll consider it," he hastily spit out, never raising his gaze. "That's it."

I was overtaken by an overwhelming sense of happiness. Without warning, my lips turned into what I'm sure was one of the biggest smiles I had ever produced. He hadn't said yes, but he hadn't said no. He had said he would consider it. I quickly erased any traces of excitement before I spoke again and before he would notice. "Good," I replied simply.

Suddenly, he practically jumped as if he all of a sudden realized that everything he had just told me was completely unintentionally, and that he was finding himself in a completely restricted area. I watched in bewilderment as his eyes narrowed into furious slits, turning his familiar glower in my direction. My own eyes widened at his sudden mood shift.

"Listen, Bella," he began in quiet anger. "Don't expect anything different from me. Don't think you just magically earned yourself a free pass into my life, or that you're some sort of miracle worker." And like it always did, his mood suddenly shifted into what appeared to be despair. "Don't think I'm going to wanna talk again, okay? Don't think I'm just this whole different person now." He glanced away from me. "Because disappointment isn't a good look on you."

I was beyond frustrated. Frustrated that he had set up so many damn restrictions. So this was it, huh? Next time I wanted to have a similar discussion, I'd need his consent first? _Don't think you just magically earned yourself a free pass into my life_. I wasn't sure I could handle the roller coaster that was his life. He needed help, that was obvious. But it was more help than I'm sure anyone could give.

Edward had his flickers of contentment. Occasional sparks that showed he could be civil. He could even be nice sometimes. But the other times – I don't think I would ever be able to handle all of his unwanted fury. I didn't understand it, unlike I did the sadness. The sadness was palpable. It made plenty of sense, sense that I would never question. Losing a parent would be devastating. Losing two would only be worse. The weed he seemed so entirely keen on? I was sure that only amplified his unwanted emotions. I was so confused as to why he felt the way he did – confused about his whole damn personality in general.

But I couldn't give up, no matter how painful the process to fix him may be.

"Don't expect me to change, alright? 'Cause I won't." He shook his head slightly. "So don't think I will." The pause that followed his bleak statement was unmeasurable. "Because I can't stand another person looking at me like I've failed."

And with that I was sure he had reached his maximum capacity. Like on cue he suddenly stood up, shifting his eyes back to blankness, no longer making him possible for me to read. Unable to move, I stared up at his expressionless face that was now staring down at me. His hair, still a soaking mess, fell over his eyes in unlikely flatness – an odd contrast to his usually voluminous locks.

"I'm the guy who never shows up to school. I'm the guy who. . .who puts a shitload of crap into his body every fucking day because he's too big of a coward to actually deal with shit." His words rushed out of his mouth in a sense of urgency I had never heard from him before. "Bella, I'm the guy who you saw make his aunt cry. Who says an endless amount of hurtful things. The guy who broke the hearts of his entire family, who ignores his autistic brother daily, and the guy who likes to unleash his goddamn anger out on people who don't fucking deserve it," he declared in sad confidence. "I'm _that_ guy. So remember that."

And then he took off. He climbed into his silver Volvo and pealed out of the driveway before I could even let out the breath I had been holding under the scrutiny of his piercing eyes. He was eager to be done, I was sure. Eager to crawl back into the shell of himself where no one could reach him.

As I slowly dragged myself from the damp ground, legs stiff from sitting so long, I realized that I was shaking. Hard. I held my hands out, inspecting them in front of me as I watched them tremble, just like the rest of my body.

It wasn't from the rain. I don't think it ever had been.

I ran through the house, leaving a trail of cold water behind me. I stripped out of my wet clothes, still shaking, and took a long, hot shower that felt heavenly on my frozen body. I suppose sitting outside that long hadn't been the most brilliant idea, but the thought of having that conversation in the confines of my warm home had seemed like a ridiculous concept at the time. I knew Edward would have felt like he was being cornered in some way, and that he would have been reluctant to speak.

When I finally wrapped a soft towel around myself, my mind was exhausted. It clearly wasn't able to handle the emotional capacity that was Edward Cullen. I gave him credit for staying sane this long. If I was him and had to burden the things he did, I wasn't sure how I could possibly manage. I mean, I couldn't even last an hour after just _hearing_ about it.

My confusion and curiosity had only become worse. Way worse. I didn't understand him. In fact, after our conversation in the rain, I began to fear I never would. How was it possible for such complexity to consist in the persona of one human being? It was almost enough to make me want to give up. Almost.

I made myself a cup of hot chocolate to drink before I went to bed. It was only early evening, but my fatigue told me that sleep would be more than necessary. Besides, I couldn't sleep through my alarm again like I had this morning.

I left Charlie a note on the kitchen table telling him that I would be asleep by the time he got home and the instructions on how to make hamburger ravioli for himself for dinner. I also shot Renee a quick response to an email she had sent me earlier that day, like she did every Monday, asking me how my previous week had gone.

My cell phone vibrated on my bedside table while I was sliding on a pair of flannel pajama pants. I flipped it open, curious to find a message from an unknown number. I opened the message. Reading the simple two words, I instantly knew exactly who had sent it.

_Thank you_.

* * *

_I can't escape this hell,  
So many times I've tried.  
But I'm still caged inside.  
Somebody get me through this nightmare,  
I can't control myself._

_So what if you can see, the darkest side of me.  
No one will ever change this animal I have become.  
Help me believe, it's not the real me.  
Somebody help me tame this animal.  
_- Animal I have Become, Three Days Grace

**I really hope that this chapter made sense and that it wasn't all over the place. And if Edward seems all over the place, well. . .**

**Chapter 9 will be posted on Wednesday morning.**

**Now _please_, do what you guys do SO well, and leave a review. Writing this really bummed me out. ):**


	9. Tragic Cases

**A/N: Thanks for being superstars, guys. It means the world to me - all of your reviews, your alerts, your favorites. It's the most incredible thing in the world, so I thank you for that.**

**Okay, so since I know some of you were wondering, Edward got Bella's cell number by secretly taking Alice's phone and getting the number without her knowledge. What a rebel. (;**

**MB - as always, thanks, bbs for being so amazing and beta-ing the story. I flipping love you.**

* * *

I guess I was expecting things to change after Edward and mine's little heart-to-heart. Yeah. They didn't. Edward hadn't showed up for all of Tuesday and hadn't been there this morning in English. I really shouldn't have been surprised. I should have known better than to expect anything else. It wasn't like he was going to all of a sudden start showing up on-time, smoking some basketballs on the court instead of weed in his bedroom, or even start to acknowledge me any more than he had before.

But my new wealth of information about him only made my very anxious to see him again. Given that I now had some sort of insight into his life, I figured that I had overcome a difficult obstacle. But who knew if he would even talk to me again? I sighed to myself, frustrated beyond comprehension.

The apprehension of seeing Edward had made me distracted, more so than I normally was. I knew people were starting to notice, especially the people I normally surrounded myself with. We were about twenty minutes into lunch on Wednesday when Emmett chose to make his incredibly obtuse observation.

"Holy _shit_, Bella." Emmett whined loudly. "Relax. Seriously. Your jumpiness is making me fucking _insane_." I sent him an apologetic smile for the second time that lunch period. I focused my attention on the bottle cap to my lemonade, spinning it around absentmindedly on the table as my food continued to be ignored.

"Sorry, Em," I stated, emotionless. "It's just the weather."

Alice rolled her eyes at my blatant lie, much more observant the rest of them as she took a dainty bite out of her sandwich. She knew something was going on, and I dreaded the near future when she chose to find out.

"But really," he continued on, laughing at my grimace in response to his refusal to drop the subject. "You've been like this all week! What's up?"

Nothing was up. In fact, that probably was the source of where all my anxiety seemed to be coming from. I shook my head at him, grinning impassively with a sigh. "All week? It's Wednesday."

"Still." He inferred with a coy smile. "I think something's up."

"Well you think wrong," I muttered, staring down at the table as I avoided his assessments. There was no way in hell I was about to share the details of my encounter with Edward on Monday. Not to Alice, and _definitely_ not to his brother. I bit my lip, counted to ten in my head, and looked up to meet his eager expression directly. "I'm just excited for the week to be over, that's all. School's so boring."

No one could argue with _that_ excuse. I found myself raising my chin in slight defiance, daring for him to dismiss my more than believable cover-up. He didn't, and to my extreme relief he ended up dropping the subject of my well-being completely. I didn't chance a glance in Alice's direction, knowing that she had picked up on more than I would have liked her to by the sound of my obvious defensiveness towards Emmett's honest questions.

I remained silent and motionless throughout the rest of lunch, hoping it would subdue the very noticeable apprehension I had been showing before.

I nearly tripped over my own feet when I entered the Biology room. I practically growled at myself in regards to the fact that my already poor balance seemed to be deeply affected in the radar of his presence. Ridiculous.

He didn't look at me when I sat down and I instantly became irritated that he wouldn't so much as acknowledge me. Ignoring him ignoring me, I tried to sound cheery as I took my seat beside him. "Good afternoon."

Edward didn't bother responding to my friendly greeting, giving little indication that he had even heard me at all. I then promptly straightened my chair, staring directly towards the front of the classroom. I wouldn't let myself get upset by his refusal to speak.

Exactly thirty seconds later I heard his loud sigh and automatically glanced in his direction. My heart rate picked up when I found him already looking my direction. I didn't mean to, but I instantly sat up straighter in my chair.

The first thing I noticed were his eyes, and how bloodshot they appeared to me. An unconscious frown immediately spread across my lips. He had been smoking. He dropped his gaze only seconds after I met it, glancing in the opposite direction out the window. I mean, I knew our talk wouldn't have changed things, but his confirmation of that hurt just the same.

I couldn't help but notice the tentativeness his position seemed to hold. His hands were laying flat on the desk, lightly composing a stream of repeated taps as his lips pursed tightly together, almost protruding from his face. It looked like he had something he really wanted to say, which was unusual for him.

I was correct in my assumption. He didn't look at me as he began speaking in a quiet, low voice. "So. . .uh. . ." He raked a hand repeatedly through his hair, suddenly seeming very nervous. "You didn't, you know, say anything to Alice about. . .yesterday. . ." he trailed off suggestively.

I took a deep shaky breath and bit my lip, angry that he would even consider assuming I had mentioned that to her. "Of course not," I snapped defensively. "Why would I?" That had been a private conversation and I had never once intended to use what he had told me against him like he seemed to believe.

He immediately looked relieved, happy even. "Thanks, Bella." He quickly declared before going back to staring out the window and ignoring me, his whole body now much more relaxed than it had been when I first entered the room.

The bell then rang, and Mrs. Snow stood in front of the room. "Already, ladies and gentlemen," she began. "Even though we still have yet to cover all of this quarter's sections, I'm going to introduce your final so you and your partner will have plenty of time to get what you need done." Edward's initial jitteriness had only worsened as he frantically tapped his pencil against the desk. His eyes seemed entirely unfocused, darting around the room, making me wonder if he was hearing a single word she was saying. I certainly heard her next words loud and clear. "You will be working with your current lab partners," she informed the class.

I automatically slumped down in my seat, surpassing a much needed groan as I continued to watch his unpredictable, anxious movements. His leg bounced up and down, his hand raked repeatedly through his hair. I then began to worry just how recent Edward's light up session had been.

"Since the unit is primarily on genetics," I could barely focus, physically ill at the knowledge that my grade was about to plummet downhill. There was no way Edward could have been of any assistance when he was like. . .like _this_. I glared ahead, trying to keep my breathing even. "You and your partner will be creating a fake scenario." _Oh no_. "The two of you, based on everything we've gone through the past month, are going to be making a legitimate family."

I blanched. I actually considered fleeing the room. In my head, I began planning the logistics of the room, calculating the chances I had of escaping through the window without being seen. Of all the people I had to be stuck with. . .I wanted to talk and interact with Edward, but definitely not like this. I could only imagine the arguments this project would cause, the stress I would have to endure. Because not only would I be required to do a majority of the project due to Edward's sketchy attendance, but also because I was fairly positive that as of lately, Edward's erratic mood swings had been consisting of the most promising inconsistency.

Much to my horror, when I unthinkingly glanced in Edward's direction, I found him smirking at me. _Smirking_. Lips turned slightly upright into a taunting smile, his green irises, hidden by the abnormal size of his pupils, showed a substantial amount of amusement. I was fairly positive that I couldn't have hated him anymore than I did in that moment.

Because for some reason, he seemed to think he could rattle me up that easily. He somehow showed signs of indication that my thoughts were fairly obvious, and judging by the evident entertainment he was showing, I knew that my face had to be ten different shades of white.

I glowered throughout the rest of her tutorial prep and managed not to run from the room. We were passed out basic starter sheets in order to gather the information we needed for the overall project. She explained that half of this would be done during class time, and half of this would be done outside of school. This troubled me greatly.

When the conversation could no longer be avoided, I began with a loud, stretched out sigh, making it known to him that I was less than enthused about this project, even though he most likely could already tell that from my behavior. "Let's just get this done, alright?" I muttered, flustered by his still very evident smirk.

He chuckled, clearly enjoying himself. "Whatever you say, boss lady."

I narrowed my eyes as his grew wide and innocent, holding both his hands out in front of him as if he believed I were going to hit him. He probably wasn't too inaccurate with that assumption. I sighed. Again. "Edward, are we going to play nice for this?" As soon as I realized I was mirroring his usual tendency, I immediately released my fingers from pinching the bridge of my nose.

A very perplexed look crossed his face as if he were having a great deal of trouble trying to uncover some secret message that didn't exist. "Bella. Silly. This is just a fake scenario, remember?" He tapped a suggestive finger on his head in matter-of-fact way. "We aren't going to play anything for this."

How many damn personalities did this boy have? Granted, the lack of coherent thoughts his mind currently consisted of was probably the main source of his apparent joking side. "Ha ha." I snapped irritably.

"Why are you so mad?" He teased as his smirk appeared once again. And because God only knew why, it looked as if he were fighting back a smile.

As my teeth gritted tightly together, I began rattling off a string of random Spanish words in my mind, distracting myself from the other string of words I very much wanted to say that moment. _Mochila_, _lapiz_, _leche_. "I don't know what you mean." _Jugar_, _te gusta_, _nosotros_. "I'm not mad." _Hace frio_, _viernes_, _vamos_.

"Sure," he held the 'u' for an unnecessary amount of time before scrunching his nose and glancing at the paper I had in front of me. "What's the first part say?" I quickly read it to myself and groaned, only earning a very eager response from him. Before I could answer or hide my mortification, he stole the paper away from me and read it out loud. "Name of husband, name of wife." If I thought he had looked amused before, it was nothing compared to the expression on his face now.

"What? You don't think I'm gonna be a good husband?" he scoffed as if I insulted him. I had to admit, once you got past the obvious redness in his eyes, the constant pencil tapping, and the reason he was acting like this, he was actually kind of adorable. I didn't answer his question, implying a very profound 'no' as I stared at him incredulously. _Really? He really wanted me to answer that?_

He gasped, dropping his jaw as he tilted his head to the side, his eyes still seeming to remain focused on me. "That. . .that hurts, Bella," he stated with a great deal of theatrical sadness. "I'm. . .I'm wounded." I couldn't contain myself any longer. Instead of being irritated with him like I wanted to be, I bursted out giggling. Uncontrollably. "I think I'd make a pretty good husband, don't you?"

I did my best to regain my composure. "Oh, the best." I responded sarcastically, rolling my eyes. I was trying to be mad at him, a reflex reaction, when I realized that there was really no point anymore. At least, not when he was being this playful.

I couldn't stop the grin from spreading across my face as he narrowed his eyes. "Whatever. I would," he insisted defiantly. "So you can just wipe that fucking smirk off your face." I failed pretty horribly in fulfilling that request. "Now I'm going to set some ground rules for our family," he paused dramatically. "No mini-vans. No neighborhood steak-out parties. Since I am the man of the house, I automatically get the final say in everything. No cats, I hate cats."

"Are you done yet?" I sighed exasperatedly, crossing my arms. I was trying to come off as annoyed, but honestly, I would have been more than content if he kept talking for hours on end.

He continued on as if I hadn't said anything, continuing to mutter off his random, non-existent requirements. "No one's allowed to interrupt me on Sunday afternoons during football. Our kids can't date until they're thirty–"

"What about a pool? Can we have a pool?" I cut him off in sarcastic enthusiasm.

He shot me another glare, clearly irritated that I kept interrupting him. "I believe that decision is entirely up to me, oh wifey dearest." God damn. Why did he have to be so _cute _like this? He was acting more like Seth than I would have ever thought possible. I wanted to hate him for choosing not to take my advice and going sober, but how could I when I got to see his playful side? I was utterly frustrated with the mixed emotions I was feeling.

"My bad." I replied with an eye roll. "Go on."

He crossed his arms, clearly satisfied with himself as he directed his raised chin towards the front of the classroom. "Actually," he clarified happily. "I was finished."

"Really? You're good now? Awesome. Now let's start the damn assignment already." Before your stupid smiley face distracted me again.

"Hey now." He quickly responded with a grimace before shaking his head and sighing, showing clear signs of unreasonable disappointment towards me. "You're making me look bad. I don't want people getting the impression that I married a woman with a stick up her ass."

"No," I muttered, exhausted. "Wouldn't wanna do that. . ."

"Right!" He clapped his hand loudly together once, earning the confused attention of several people were sitting nearby our table. "So let's start this shit."

Taking a deep breath, calming myself down, I began reading the sheet out loud. "Okay. First question. If you have green eyes, and I have brown eyes, what's the most likely color our kid's eyes will be?" Green. Just like his. Only minus the red. Eyes anyone would kill for. . .

He squinted his eyes at me like I had just asked some ridiculously impossible question. Pursing his lips, he considered my question with a great deal of thought it seemed. He ran a hand through his hair before starting up the finger tapping once again. "That depends. . ." he began quizzically. "Is this our first kid or second?"

"Our third." I answered automatically. I felt like I was talking to a child. I loved this side of him, but at the same time, a part of me told me I should be upset. After all, I reminded myself once again that the fact he was high probably played a very significant role in our conversation. For now though, I pretended he wasn't, enjoying the rarity of his smile.

"No, no," he quickly corrected me with a frown. "I only want two kids. There's no fucking way we're having three."

"Oh, for the love of–"

"Hey!" he quickly stopped me, a small grin playing at his lips as he noticed my irritation and refused to stop. "You should be thinking the same thing. I mean honestly, Bella. How do you think you're going to look after three kids?"

"_Wonderful_." I hissed menacingly.

A look of disgust crossed his face. "But you'll be all saggy!" he whined.

I shut my eyes momentarily, resisting the urge to rip that stupid pencil from his eagerly bouncing fingers. "Well we wouldn't want that, would we?" I played along sarcastically. "You know, you're right. Let's just. . .not have any at all."

His face lit up at my plan and I was genuinely concerned for a moment that in Edward's mind, this whole conversation had been serious. "Good idea! We can just adopt!"

"Good idea!" I matched his excited tone and rolled my eyes. "You can just go ahead and find out how we're going to do this assignment then!"

The rest of class went exactly like this. In fact, we never got past the fourth question by the time the bell rang. Edward may not have been smiling for the right reasons, but it had still been something. Baby steps. I liked to think he was somehow improving, even though I knew in the back of my mind that he wasn't. Because I'd rather be happy about something that never happened than upset by something that did. In a way, his laughter had almost made me optimistic.

I thought some progress had been made that day. In fact, I was sure of it.

But I was wrong. Very, very wrong.

Because Edward never showed up for school the next day. Or the day after that.

I should have been surprised, but I wasn't.

And, to top it all off, I began to acquire a bad cold as the week progressed. The ability to breath through my nose seemed to decrease every hour until I couldn't all together. My eyes began to resemble Edward's in terms of redness, and my voice seemed to stop working in the most frustrating of ways. I knew the source of my sudden illness too, which only fueled my irritation even more. Friday I couldn't get out of bed so I stayed home. Saturday my sore throat, lack of lung capacity, and red as Rudolf nose only grew worse. Sunday Charlie made me go to the doctor, and I was diagnosed with pneumonia. Great.

I called Alice Monday morning to inform her that I was going to be out for a couple of days. She was upset, of course, but promised to get me my Trig homework and fill me in on everything I missed as soon as I was feeling better.

Usually I hated staying home sick. In Forks though, it was different. The lull of the rain seemed to enhance my drowsy medication to the fullest, resulting in over fourteen hour naps. When I wasn't asleep, I was curled up under a blanket on the couch reading, something I would do every moment of my life if I could. Charlie often called to check in on how I was doing during the day, a gesture that gave me warm feelings inside, and he surprised me when he came home one night and produced a wonderful batch of chicken noodle soup.

After four days of lounging at home, I decided that I'd sit out in the freezing rain any day if these were the consequences.

Being sick created a surprising amount of distractions. Since I was sleeping for over half the day, or too drugged up on different cold medicines, I hardly had any time at all to consider Edward even in the back of my mind.

Friday morning started out like it had been for the past few days. I slept until ten, took a bubble bath to relax my exhausted body, and established my permanent day spot on the comfortable couch in the living room. Sometime around lunch I received a text from Alice telling me she'd drop off all of my homework after she was done school. I was overwhelmingly depressed that Monday would need to be my return, and that my weekend would be full of an incredibly high stack of papers that I had missed.

At three thirty, the expected knock at the door came and I got up to let Alice in, sighing in preparation for her sure to be exuberance. I swung open the door, and then proceeded not to suffer from a heart attack. He couldn't keep doing this. Seriously. My heart. . .it really couldn't take it anymore. His unexpected appearances at my house only seemed to become more of a normal ritual and I inwardly grimaced at the fact that he inevitably chose to show up on the days when I was looking my absolute worst. Had I known of this unexpected visit, I would have put a little effort into making myself look like someone who wasn't on her death bed.

What made my focus change from the bright yellow duck slippers and hot pink flannel pajamas I currently was wearing was. . .what _he_ was currently wearing. An automatic grin broke onto my face as I tried to stop it by pursing my lips tightly together. I tried not to stare. Really, I did. But I simply couldn't help myself as I reveled in his appearance. He was clean shaven, his hair oddly more composed than usual, and the dark blue jean – plaid shirt combo gave him the aura that he had just stepped out of an Abercrombie catalog. I blinked, opened my mouth, and then closed it again. His hands were shoved hastily into his pockets and his book bag was slung over behind his shoulder. Compared to his usual leather jacket, borderline dangerous looking ensemble, and lack of use-age in regards of his razor, today was more than a pleasant change.

While _I _was putting a great deal of effort into not salivating, _he_ was putting a great deal of effort into not laughing. I was confused by the way his lips seemed to be struggling to reign in a smile as they twitched numerous times in obvious restraint. I had been so distracted by his unusually preppy ensemble that I had completely forgotten my own. I groaned, not bothering to hide my blatant discomfort.

"Shut _up_," I growled in embarrassment.

Once again, the focus I had held on my four-year-old appearance was stolen away from me. Because Edward suddenly lost his constant composure, and a grin from ear to ear slowly spread onto his seemingly flawless face. Again, I had to stop myself from having a heart attack, though I was fairly sure it was a little too late for that. I was up in cloud nine and refused to come back down. Because this smile was real. And Edward wasn't high today.

I remembered the vision I had created in my head the day Alice had told me about Edward and realized that it didn't do the smile I was seeing now any justice. The smile I was seeing now mirrored the past, resembling identically to the pictures Emmett had plastered up on his wall. Only this smile was _alive_. His eyes seemed to light up, as did his bright white teeth he was finally flashing me.

"I didn't say anything, did I?" He widened his eyes in obvious amusement as he appraised my ducky slippers once again. "Besides," he teased lightly. "I think they're just super adorable." He mocked Alice's high voice to perfection. I giggled, shaking my head at the impossibleness of the moment. Edward was standing in my doorway, his system completely drug-free, joking about my gag-gift Christmas slippers from Renee. I guess miracles were possible.

"So, uh, what are you doing here?" I'm sure I failed in keeping my voice collected by the now evident smirk he was giving me. "I thought Alice was coming."

He lowered his head, staring at his feet as he shifted back and forth slightly. "Yeah. Her and Jazz decided to go to Port Angeles. So. . .I guess someone needed to get you all our missing shit." He glanced up at me through his long lashes, a movement that affected my breathing to the point of hyperventilation. "Can I come in?"

It took me a few moments to regain my use of speech. Edward was asking me if he could come in. In my house. With me. Just the two of us. Alone. Alone with Edward. _What_? "Sure," I responded in a daze.

I stepped aside so that he could enter, still too flustered by him. My lack of composure was so beyond frustrating that I think I managed to compose myself by _being_ so frustrated. He seemed completely at ease as he plopped himself down on the couch I had basically been living on for the past week. Well this was new. It was the first time I had ever seen him _not_ tense without the help of his precious weed.

Cautiously I sat down beside him, far enough away so that there was a comfortable distance between. Maybe a little too comfortable of distance. I sighed to myself. _At_ myself. "Soup?" he suddenly spit out, thrusting a thermos he had retrieved from his bag into my surprised hands. "Esme made it. Yeah. Alice said I was suppose to bring you some."

I carefully unscrewed the lid, letting out steam along with the delicious aroma of broth, noodles, and turkey. The soup looked more than edible. But so did Edward. I silently berated myself for not being able to keep my thoughts in check. "Thanks," I said finally. "For bringing it."

He lowered his head, running a hand through his tousled hair. "Uh-huh."

I carefully set the hot thermos on the coffee table in front of us before folding my hands in my lap, proceeding to stare down at them. Well this was. . .weird. Not confronting him about something. I wanted him to stay in the mood he was currently in, and I knew by achieving that goal I would need to let him provide the conversation for once. Because I had this annoying tendency to screw things up with him. I wasn't particularly thrilled at prevailing on with that pattern, so I kept my mouth tightly shut, giving him leeway to speak first.

"So we started a new writing assignment in English today." Ten words I sure hadn't been expecting to come from his mouth. To my utter frustration, words didn't seem to escape my mouth. The blankness on my face made him uncomfortable I'm sure and he quickly began digging in his bag some more before producing several white sheets of paper.

"It's supposed to be about your favorite book," he continued cautiously. "We're peer-editing on Monday, I guess." He ran another hand through his hair, clearly waiting for me to produce even the quietest of noises from my mouth _just_ to indicate that I had heard him.

But like I always did, I continued my ever-lasting struggle with feeling at ease in his presence. I was so damn sick of it. I should be used to Edward Cullen by now. Used to him enough that I was able to breath right at least. I mean, my God. What the hell was wrong with me?

"What are you doing yours on?" I blurted out.

He seemed just as surprised by my question as I was. As soon as the initial surprise that I had even spoken in the first place wore off, his eyebrows knitted together quizzically as he pursed his lips. Clearly it had been a long time since anyone had discussed school work with him.

"I haven't decided yet," he responded with a slight frown. In other words, _I haven't decided if I was going to do it yet_. But once again, he surprised me by the way he seemed to catch on to what I was thinking and quickly defended himself. "I mean, I should probably start it soon, huh?"

I stared at him. I couldn't _stop_ staring at him. Talk about your personality shifts. I began to worry that I would never be able to keep up with the constant changes. He was so consistently inconsistent. I hadn't realized I didn't respond to him yet until he began talking nervously again. He had to have thought I was borderline manic at this point. "What book are you going to do yours on?" The way he asked it sounded like he was just anxious to remove the focus from himself rather than genuine curiosity.

"Wuthering Heights," I answered in absolute certainty.

His face crinkled into a grimace. "You actually like that book?" He tilted his head to the side, looking at me like he was judging my sanity by the answer I had given him. Edward Cullen wanted to talk books with me? No, Edward Cullen wanted to challenge my taste in books. Oh, this was _so_ on. I would not let him get away with just dismissing chosen assessment.

I turned myself so that I was facing him completely, bringing my legs up onto the couch so that I was now sitting Indian style. I raised my chin in defiance, meeting his questioning gaze directly. "I _love_ that book." I corrected him through narrowed eyes.

He actually had the nerve to laugh at my declaration, seeming completely oblivious to my obviously profuse glare as he relaxed further into his seat, clearly enjoying himself. "'_Oh God! it is unutterable! I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!'_" he quoted dramatically, hand gestures and all before he suddenly cracked up laughing. Open-mouthed, I'm sure my eyes couldn't have gotten any wider. So he had actually _read_ the book? My melting insides were only appropriate, considering the alluringly soft voice of his combined with a quote from my favorite book. "I mean, it's okay if you're into that desperate, melodramatic romance thing."

The fact that Edward had just quoted Heathcliff of all people was yet another miracle that had come from this day. I vaguely remembered a time when Alice had mentioned Edward being insanely smart. Now, the concept didn't seem so ridiculous.

"Without drama it wouldn't be a good book, Edward!" I argued feverishly. "Is that really the only reason why you feel like it should be used as fire wood instead of being subjected as classic literature?"

The amusement never left his eyes as he continued to persist in winning this very un-winnable argument against me. "The whole thing. . .I mean, why would you _want _to read it more than once? It's so. . .tragic." His face lit up as if he had suddenly figured out something he had been trying to for a long time. "Oh, _I _get it now. You have a thing for tragic cases?" He seemed entirely too proud of his conclusion along with the implication of himself he had thrown in there. He was proud of how. . .how messed up he was. I don't think anything was more tragic than _that_.

"You have to look past the tragedy," I explained further. "What makes it a tragedy, all the little details and foreplay, are what you have to read into. Emily Bronte. . .she downplays Heathcliff throughout the whole thing, implying that he's going to end up becoming the hero of the story in like a reverse physcology kind of way. Each time he does something unforgivable, it seems like he's going to somehow redeem himself and be the person everyone wants him to be but in the end, the redeeming qualities never come and. . .he doesn't. That's the tragedy." In a matter of sentences, my voice had gone from completely energetic, a little too into the argument, to completely torn at the knowledge of how well everything I was saying applied to _him_.

He appeared to be considering my response more intently than he had been listening to me before. He pursed his lips, staring absentmindedly out the window. "That's what doesn't make sense," he scoffed finally, shaking his head. "He turns out being the asshole in the end. How is that _appealing_? I mean, the ending _is_ the tragedy. You had to find out that you wasted the whole book thinking he was going to be good, only to be disappointed in the end when he wasn't." His green eyes suddenly averted themselves to mine and stayed there, intense. "When really, you knew he was always going to stay the same the whole time. Why put yourself through that?"

I became dizzy. I felt sick even. Because suddenly, we weren't talking about Heathcliff anymore. We weren't even talking about the book. I felt every inch of my body flush pale as I let his words sink in.

"Bella?" he asked, clearly confused by my sudden change of demeanor. "Are you okay?"

I swallowed hard, quickly nodding. At any rate, the rapid pace of my heart was going to cause it to burst from my chest. "Yeah, I'm fine." I lied. Because I wasn't in the slightest, and his words in regards to his hidden warning made me feel sicker than I had the whole week.

"Well I should probably go anyways. . ." he began. He turned away from me, reaching into his navy messenger bag once before shoving a whole folder of work in my face. "Here, that's everything I think."

"Thanks," I muttered, staring down at my lap. "For the soup. For bringing my work."

He chuckled and I looked up to see his eyes on the ground where they usually were, his hand in his hair where it usually was. Huh. Maybe there _was_ some consistency with him after all. "Yeah, I know. You already said that."

Why did every damn conversation I had with him result in this? I was completely flustered, as always, by the time it was over and he was gone. So many things had been different about him today. His clothes, his eyes, his attitude. I couldn't handle that many differences at once. It was overwhelming, though it shouldn't have been. I knew very well that come Monday, the only thing I should have been expecting from him was something I _wasn't_ expecting. I had talked with him for no more than ten minutes and he had literally taken everything from me. I was beyond exhausted.

Later that night, before I went to bed, I reread parts of Wuthering Heights as Edward's words continued to play loudly on repeat in my head. Had he realized the utter significance his words had held? It was depressing, even more now that I knew how smart Edward really was, that he was just. . .just throwing away his life. Throwing away everything. He was without a doubt the prime example of a real-life tragic case. Just as I was about to close the book and turn off my lamp, a certain quote jumped out at me.

I began to worry, as I read it with wide eyes, that Edward and Heathcliff may have had more in common than I originally thought.

_You have left me so long to struggle against death, alone, that I feel and see only death! I feel like death!_

I abruptly slammed the book shut, throwing it across the room before it hit the wall and fell to the floor with a soft thud. I curled completely underneath my covers, refusing to resurface as I fought with every ounce of strength in me not to let the tears come, tears that I never understood.

I didn't know what to do anymore. But I knew that whatever it was, I had to do it fast.

Because he _was_ struggling against death. Death by the cause of himself.

* * *

_I wanted you to know,  
that I love the way you laugh.  
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away.  
_- Seether, Broken_  
_

***sigh* Oh, Edward.**

**Chapter 10 will be up right away on Tuesday morning.**

**A review would be fabulous. Especially one telling me what you thought about Edward. (:**


	10. Puzzle Pieces

**A/N: Looky there! We've made the double digits! -does a mini happy dance in celebration- Huge shout out to everyone. And I'm serious. I wouldn't still be writing if it weren't for all of you. So thanks a heap for that, lovelies. (:**

**To Mary Beth for beautifying the chapter, as always. You're such a superstar, you know.**

* * *

"I'm fine, Alice. There's nothing wrong. See?" She grimaced at the smile I attempted to produce, and I sighed because even to myself it felt unfamiliar and wrong. "Nothing's wrong." I repeated automatically.

She shook her head incredulously before a genuinely hurt expression crossed her petite features. "Bella, you know you can talk to me right?" she began quietly, head lowered towards the ground. "I mean, have I. . .have I given you any wrong impressions or something?"

"No," I quickly clarified, upset with myself for putting such thoughts into her cheery thought-system. "No, Alice, you haven't. You've been nothing but wonderful. I told you, it's nothing."

I could hear the lie in my voice. She could hear the lie in my voice. In fact, I was pretty positive that even a stranger would be able to perfectly pin-point my deception. But I wasn't about to talk, because really, what was there to even talk about? I couldn't even comprehend my strange wave of gloomy emotions. I worried if I told her anything about any one of my encounters with Edward, she'd take all of it the wrong way.

But really. . .was there even a right way to take it? If Alice were to discover my rescue attempts, to be honest, I wasn't sure _how_ she'd react. She could have felt sorry for me with the knowledge that I was just wasting my time in a losing fight. She could have been angry that I was doing it all behind her back, constantly ignoring her questions regarding my life. Or she could have been just flat out depressed that yet another person was convinced that they could save him, even though they clearly couldn't.

In my hopeless attempts to pull him out of whatever hell-hole he was currently stuck in, not only had I been unsuccessful in my impossible mission, but I had also managed to fall into that stupid hole as well. I didn't know what I was doing anymore, didn't know why I still bothered even trying to talk to him. But I did. Every damn day I was presented with the opportunity. And I hated it.

I hadn't said a word to him since he had left my house last Friday. That had been a week ago. His attendance lately had been as sketchy as ever, as did his troublesome mood swings. He didn't show up half the time and the half he did, he remained as silent and unresponsive as ever. Since I had spent a majority of my week catching up on tests I had missed the previous week, that also factored into my inability to communicate with him. It was also so frustrating. My life had become based off of nothing _but_ frustration lately. Frustration and Edward.

"Well, okay," she accepted as she bit her lip. "If you're really sure, Bella. . ."

"Of course I'm sure," I exclaimed too enthusiastically for it to be even the slightest bit believable. I sighed. "I promise, Alice. I'll come talk to you whenever I need to." That wasn't a lie. She smiled, satisfied in that knowledge as well.

"You know," she began, enclosing her cherry red lips around the back end of her pen. "We've been doing a bad job of keeping to our pact, haven't we?" she frowned with a slight grimace.

"No we haven't," I argued. _A year that we're always gonna remember_. I would certainly remember it. Not for the reasons she had intentionally created our senior mission, but still. I'd remember it none-the-less. "This year's been fun."

She quickly bursted out laughing at the enthusiasm my words had poorly lacked. "But seriously, Bella. We need to get on that. Maybe a trip somewhere. . ." She began to absentmindedly ramble on a list of ideas, none of which sounded very memorable. ". . .Shopping, we could go on a shopping spree. . .La Push is always fun, but I think it's too cold. . ." Then, her face lit up like a Christmas tree and I cringed before words even left her mouth. Because when a look like that crossed Alice's face, it was most likely appropriate for the opposite look to cross mine.

"The _party_!" she suddenly declared, a dazzling smile appearing on her face. "The party at Rose's! How could I have forgotten about that? It's coming up, isn't it?" Like usual, Alice was both talking at speeds that made it hard for me to understand and whatever rapid sentences that were happening to come out of her mouth were unfamiliar to me. A party? The word party had me visibly cringing.

"What party?"

"The Halloween one!" She explained both enthusiastically and incredulously, as if the answer had been the most obvious thing in the world. "I mean, _I've_ never been to one but apparently she has one every year. It's next Friday! Bella, you're _totally_ going."

I opened my mouth to protest, something I fully intended to do until I had convinced her that my absence would be necessary, when the bell rang. Knowing what I was planning on saying, she danced out of the room before the words were even able to leave my mouth. I glared at the door she had exited through a long moment before sighing in resignation. Why would I even try and fight Alice? She was _Alice_. If it were up to her, which it would end up being, I was already roped into going to that stupid party.

I tried not to think about it at all as the day dragged on. Since Edward hadn't been in English, I was fairly positive he wasn't going to grace us with his presence in Biology. But really, when was I ever right? Because two minutes after the bell rang, he sauntered in through the door, literally falling into the seat next to me.

I didn't mean to, but I instantly sat up straighter in my seat as he sat down beside me. This frustrated me.

His tardiness was such a recurrence that Ms. Snow looked the least bit surprised that the pattern had yet to falter. She stopped, mid-lecture, marking him down on the attendance sheet with a less than amused expression. He remained completely different to her profound glares.

Edward had been smoking recently. That much was obvious without even needing to check the whiteness in his eyes. His hands had been busy at work with his hair, relentless as ever to cooperate in choosing a designated direction. Both his legs bounced rapidly up and down, like it was physically impossible for him to sit still. I wasn't sure if I was hearing it correctly, but it sounded like he was actually _humming_ to himself. His head ever so slightly swayed back and forth with the silent melody he seemed to be hearing in his head. He wasn't stable, that much I was sure about. Although, when was he ever stable?

This didn't seem like normal high Edward though. This seemed. . .increasingly worse. I grew more worried with each second that ticked by on the clock. His movements were more jittery than usual, as were his tendencies to constantly be touching his face.

After twenty minutes of class time went by, we were given the rest of the hour to work on our genetics final. I carefully positioned myself in my seat so that I was facing him. "Edward?" I asked cautiously.

Like I had completely interrupted him from his strange trance the moment his name escaped my lips, his eyes shot up to mine, green irises hidden by highly dilated pupils. "What?" he replied, his voice raspy as ever. I cringed at the sound of it.

"Are you, um, okay?" Of course he wasn't. The involuntarily trembling his jaw was doing only fueled my concern. He had lit up very recently. The question was what exactly it was that he had chose to put into his bloodstream.

"Sure, sure, I'm great," He responded, crinkling his nose in confusion. "Why wouldn't I be?"

My initial reaction per usual was to sit through the class in utter frustration and blatant irritation towards him. But that wasn't the case today. Because something about him was more off than usual, and whatever that something was seemed to find its way to the pit of my stomach as a discrepancy of emotions seemed to hit me. Whatever feelings he had inside of him that motivated him to take such drastic measures in order to achieve numbness was literally heartbreaking. I can't imagine ever feeling low enough to do the things he did so frequently.

He ran his hand through his hair repeatedly, making him look almost psychotic. "_Bella_, Bella, Bella, _Bella_?" He waved a hand in front of my face, startling me from my thoughts by his suddenly close proximity. He made a face. "Are _you_ okay?" He countered.

_No._ "Yeah, I'm just fine." _Stop worrying about me and worrying about yourself_, I wanted to scream.

"Good," he grinned. But it wasn't _my_ grin. It was a smile produced completely on its own, and it wasn't an Edward smile at all. I wanted the one from Emmett's pictures. The one that had lit up his face in reaction to seeing my ridiculous duck slippers that rainy afternoon. Not this one. His smile. . .it was becoming like a dangerous drug to me. It was just another reason to add to the list of reasons to fix him. So I could see that smile every damn day. "So should we start on this some more?"

Not trusting the shakiness of my voice, I simply nodded sadly in response to the non-genuine excitement he held in regards to our made-up family. Someone had to wear the brave face, because I don't think either one of us would be able to bear its absence.

At three-fifteen the bell rang, dismissing the class. Expecting him to rush from the room like he did every other day that he decided to even show up at all, I was caught off guard when he sat there, waiting for _me_ to leave first.

"Do you wanna come over? So we can work on this some more?" He tapped his fingers anxiously on the desk as I stared at him in disbelief. "_Well_?" He repeated when I hadn't realized my lack of response.

"Um. . .I'm actually already going over to your house." He pursed his lips, furrowing his eyebrows together as if my statement had truly stumped him. "With Alice," I clarified, biting my lip.

"Perfect," he exclaimed, suddenly jumping from his chair before I knew what he was doing. "See you there then," he called as he slung his backpack over his shoulder and exited the room. I rubbed my hands over my face, burying it in them for a few moments before I finally went to meet Alice out in the parking lot. I wasn't sure I would be able to handle him like this. His anger was one thing, but when he was high, it was a completely different story.

What. . .just happened?

Alice was leaning against her cheery yellow Porsche when I approached. "Sorry I took so long, Al. Ms. Snow needed me to stay after class. . ." Why was I lying to her now? I'd have to tell her about Edward and mine's apparent study date eventually. "So how was your day?" I asked as I climbed into the passenger seat.

"Just super," she smiled widely. This was her usual response, but something in her tone had her happier than her average self. She pulled out of the lot, still grinning silently to herself until she finally decided to share whatever the source of her mild ecstasy was. "So, Bella. The Halloween party," she started conversationally. I resisted the urge to groan and she noticed, only making her smile more profound. "Mike will be there."

This time, I actually did groan. "So?"

"So I think you two should give it a shot." Her eyebrows rose suggestively, shooting me a devious sideways glance before returning her eyes to the road in front of us. Lately, Mike had been persistent as ever. When I had confronted her about my decision to not pursue him, I became mortified at the realization that not only was she on Mike's side, but she was also the one encouraging him whenever he needed a boost of confidence in regards to my feelings towards him.

"Absolutely not," I protested weakly.

Of course, this answer wasn't in any way acceptable to her. "Why?" She asked, pouting. "Have your eyes on someone else, Bella?" I grimaced, which obviously meant something in her mind. "Tell me, _tell me_!" she suddenly squealed, bouncing up and down in her seat. "Do I know him? Oh, he's probably really smart, isn't he? Does he go to our school?"

I interrupted her wistful musings, shaking my head. "Alice. There isn't someone else." Technically, there wasn't. So I wasn't lying. "I just. . .am not very good at the whole dating thing." Nor did I want to be. Again, not a lie.

"Bella, you two would be so cute together," she whined desperately. "He really likes you. Try it? Please? _Please_?" She wasn't going to get off the subject until I either agreed to her constant pleas or came up with a much more interesting topic to talk about. Since the first option was beyond mortifying, I had to take a deep breath and prepare myself for the endless curiosity that was about to come from her.

"I guess Edward wants to work on our project when I get to your house," I rushed the words out of my mouth, hoping her comprehension wouldn't be an issue. Like I knew it would, my plan worked and I watched her lips purse together as interest instantly lit up her eyes.

"What?" she asked, surprised. At my assessment, her enthusiasm immediately died.

I played with the zipper on my hoodie, reluctant to meet her wary gaze. "Yeah, um, we're lab partners in Bio. So, we kind of have a genetics final we need to finish. . ." She momentarily dropped it, most likely having been caught off guard by the subject of him and I studying together. I was beginning to contemplate whether he realized what he had asked me at the time, and whether or not he would even remember he had when we got to their house. Or whether or not he would even show up.

But his Volvo was parked in the middle of the driveway as we pulled up, and Alice muttered something unintelligible under her breath at his lack of consideration for leaving her enough room to park. "If you think that's a good idea," she finally replied as she shut off the ignition and got out of the car.

"Alice, what do you mean?" I asked, retrieving my backpack from the backseat before catching up to her retreating form.

She stopped walking immediately and turn to meet my confused gaze directly. Her nose crinkled slightly as she made a face of slight disgust. "Remember last time you two tried to have a conversation here?" It was one of the most profound memories I carried of him. How could I _not_ remember? I nodded, biting my lip. "Well I don't want you to get hurt again, and trust me. Edward's more than capable of succeeding with that." She looked scared. For _me_. Edward wasn't scary. He was a lot of things, but I refused to be frightened by him.

She started walking again, climbing the stairs up to the front door before opening it up and entering the house. "It'll be fine," I said, trying to convince the both of us. "It's just school work."

She chuckled sadly, shaking her head. "Alright, Bella. If he starts being a douche though, give me a rescue holler and I'll come save you." I opened my mouth to accept her offer before a sour smile spread across her face. "I give it ten minutes."

It felt like Alice was being completely unjust in her quick assumptions in regards to her cousin's behavior, almost enough to make me want to defend him for some reason. It was unreasonable and silly, but that was how I felt. But I quickly came to the realization that she had absolutely every right to act the way she did towards him, because unlike me, a majority of her time was spent around his constantly changing attitude. She of all people would be the most familiar with exactly just how pleasant of a person he could be.

An unmistakably dark set of tone had fallen on the otherwise cheery afternoon. Everything from the abruptness of Alice's concerned eyes to the fact that Seth hadn't been there to greet us with his usual welcome-home hugs had me on the edge. Which was ridiculous. Because I hadn't even seen him since I'd stepped on the Cullen estate.

"I'll be careful, Alice," I chuckled lightly in attempts to ease the unwanted tension. "He's probably in his room right?"

I didn't wait for her response as I turned to climb the stairs. As I arrived at his closed door, I heard the faint thunder of a bass, followed by the angry lyrics of Linkin Park sounding on my side of his door. I tentatively raised my hand to knock, scared that me following through on his request was a set-up for disappointment. I knocked again, but he couldn't hear it due to the loudness of the music drowning out any possible sounds. I imagined that's how he wanted it. So that he wouldn't have to listen to his own thoughts.

After a solid two minutes of waiting, I decided to take further action by slowly turning the knob and pushing the door open.

I took in the large space before me without making my presence known just yet. The headboard of his large bed was up against the right wall, about halfway into the room. On the opposite side sat a worn black couch, occupying the space next to a large bookcase. Directly in front of me, the back wall consisted of two large windows, one on each side of a pair of French doors in the middle, leading out to a small patio. His room was somewhat cluttered, random text books scattered on the floor, a few articles of clothing draped over the bed and couch. The scent filling the room was overwhelmingly powerful, though I was guessing by this point he remained completely unaffected by it. I began feeling lightheaded after only just several inhales.

My eyes zeroed in on Edward who remained completely oblivious to my visual exploration. He was lying on his bed with his knees bent towards the ceiling, eyes clenched tightly shut, and both hands in their regular, tangled position in his disheveled hair. He had changed into a different set of clothes since he had arrived home, replacing his dark blue jeans with a pair of faded gray sweatpants and had removed his leather jacket, revealing a plain, tight-fitting white tee that clung to his chest in ways that were hazardous to my composure.

The music continued to blast and I continued to stay unnoticed by him. I finally cleared my throat, breathing in a timid lungful of the air that was making me so dizzy. "Edward?" I repeated his name once again when he didn't respond at first. "_Edward_?"

He responded by rolling out of his bed with a groan, sauntering two steps over to his stereo to cut off the violent music, and proceeding to fall back into the exact same position on his bed only with his eyes open this time. They were staring at me, his head curiously tilted to the side. His eyes were just as bloodshot as they had been thirty minutes ago, only they seemed a little less mild now. Less crazed. I slowly inched my in a few more steps, wondering which Edward I was going to end up with this afternoon. Sober Edward was definitely out of the question and by now I figured crazy Edward was as well. So that left me with options I didn't want to face.

"Well let's work on the damn thing then," his voice remained just as raspy as it had been earlier, and I flinched at the roughness of it. At least he had remembered though, I convinced myself in means of reassurance.

I stayed standing where I was, unsure of where exactly he planned to do this. When he noticed my uncertainty, he rolled his eyes and sighed before sitting up and patting the space on his bed in front of him. Stumbling the short distance earned a quiet chuckle from him, though he tried to hide it. Still hesitant in my movements as I tried not to do anything wrong, I carefully crawled onto his bed, leaving a few feet's space between us.

Avoiding his eyes, I placed my backpack in my crossed legs and retrieved the folder I had reserved for our project. When I glanced up at him he had a lighter in one hand and a bowl in the other. I felt sick.

"You've got to be kidding me," I practically growled. Did he think he was being _funny_?

His eyes lit up in amusement as a large smirk suddenly occupied his face. "Only kidding." He quickly set the items back down on the small table beside his bed. "I wouldn't corrupt you that way." His smirk grew even more evident as he muttered his next words, entertained by my irritation. "Trust me."

"Hil_arious_," I annunciated bitterly.

"No jokes around Bella, got it." He held his hands up in the air in defense.

I narrowed my eyes. "Maybe it'd be funny if I knew you weren't joking." This clearly wasn't going as planned, but then again, when did anything ever go how I wanted to when I was around Edward? It was obviously impossible for even just the shortest second of contentment between the two of us. I sighed, making myself relax. "Okay. Let's do this."

Even though his head was still very clearly fuzzy in regards to his earlier smoking, Edward once again surprised me by proving himself to be far more intelligent than most kids are age appeared to be. When I could get him to focus, he was actually extremely helpful with most of the worksheet questions. I ignored his spontaneous 'jokes' when ever they occurred and when I knew things were about to get tense, I quickly backtracked so that they wouldn't. I was rather proud of myself to prove Alice wrong by easily surpassing her ten minute prediction.

"So the Y chromosome factor would mean that kid number two's chances of being a girl are a lot higher than being a boy," he concluded absentmindedly, tracing the non-existing patterns on his navy blue comforter with the tip of his index finger.

"Have you given any more thought on the medication?" I inquired casually as I wrote down the answer to another question. When I glanced up at him, he was glaring out the window, his jaw line tightly set.

It was bound to happen eventually and I kicked myself internally when it did. As it always did, my curiosity and need for more information got the better of me and I was ruining our mutual ground by letting my mouth say whatever stupid things it deemed acceptable. I didn't expect him to appreciate it. In fact, his annoyance as soon as I brought up the subject was completely understandable.

"No," he replied curtly. I grimaced at his sudden hostility, wishing I hadn't bothered him with asking at all. I couldn't even comprehend myself why I had chosen to burden him with it. The answer was obvious without him stating it.

But I couldn't stop. And I hated myself for not being able to. "Why not?"

"'Cause I don't want to," he retorted angrily. He had obviously given a lot of thought on the subject. _Not_. I wanted to be able to applaud him for considering it, but you know, that would require him to actually consider it. Which he hadn't.

Maybe the tinge of marijuana in the air was what had me speaking so freely, so technically, it was his own fault the subject had even been brought up. "Edward," I began calmly. "I know it's hard to move on since they died, but don't you think you can try? I mean, think about it. People die all the time and you don't see every other person on the planet walking around with a bag of weed in their pocket." By the way his breathing seemed to become heavier with each word I spoke, I realized that I was striking a nerve. I couldn't find it in me to care. I was just so damn tired of walking on eggshells around him all the time. "Look at Emmett," I continued, "He seems to be doing pretty alright. Why can't you too?"

That sobered him up. He groaned in frustration, tugging manically at his hair. "Christ, Bella," he exclaimed in angry exasperation. "You don't even know half of the fucking story! They're dead, and I realize I should move on, but it's more than just that."

Pushing him was the only way to find out more; the only way to figure out what had him so seemingly bound to a plague of terrifying emotions. So I had to do it. Because it was the only way I was ever going to make any progress in my hopes of turning his life around. "I don't understand. . ."

"It's not about the fucking accident, okay?" he spit out, refusing to look at me. "It's not like my life was perfect before that." All he was doing was rephrasing the vagueness. And according to everyone but apparently him, his life _had_ been near perfection.

"Edward, I don't get what you mean." I pressed patiently.

Without warning to either him or me, his words seemed to rush frantically from his mouth before he could stop them, which I knew he had very much wanted to do. "I was never good enough. Never met their expectations. And they spent _every_ moment of their fucking lives reminding me that."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. No. Not _another_ source to fuel his depression anymore than how badly he already had it. I shook my head automatically in denial and watched the way he continued to glare out the window with his teeth clenched tightly together. The visible strain was almost painful to watch. "That's ridiculous," my voice came out shaking. The thought of crying right now was ridiculous, but I found myself blinking back tears anyways. "What about Emmett?"

"What about him?" he inferred angrily through his clenched jaw. "Emmett's always been able to breeze through life. He's the _middle_ child. As long as he was staying out of trouble, they could have cared less as to what he was doing." The hair pulling started once again as he now directed his gaze towards his lap. "And then there was Seth who stole every ounce of patience they were capable of giving me."

I put together all of his words in my head, replaying them until I was able to come to a slightly scary declaration. "So. . .you don't think you were good enough for them?" I repeated his earlier statement, making sure I was understanding him correctly.

"I wasn't," he muttered quietly. At this point he was completely still. The tone of his voice clenched painfully at my heart.

I couldn't help the despair that washed through me as I took in his incredibly miserable condition. His problems never seemed to end and I became extremely concerned as to whether or not there would ever even be an ending. "Edward, that's not true." I responded unthinkingly in a soft voice.

"And how the _fuck_ do you know that?" I wanted to hide from his harsh tone, escape from his accusatory eyes. The truth was, I didn't know. But I did know that no one, not even Edward, should have to feel that way under any circumstances. I kept my gaze on the sleeves of my sweatshirt I was now fiddling with, not having the courage to meet his powerful green eyes.

I heard him let out a loud sigh. "Bella, I know you're so set on saving the world, but sometimes. . .sometimes you just can't have all of the answers." I refused to believe that particular logic as shook my head slightly in disagreement.

Yet another piece of the puzzle had he allowed me. The problem was, Edward never gave me the easy pieces. He gave me the pieces from the sky, the ones that were impossible to fit together because of how identical they all were. He was giving me the scenery when I wanted the actual focal point.

"Did you love them?" I asked quietly, finally glancing up to meet his gaze. He wasn't looking directly at me which was a relief, but the anger in his eyes returned as he seemed absolutely appalled that I would dare consider otherwise.

"Of course I did," he snapped tersely, "They were good people in their own way." So once again, where it always seemed to fall, in Edward's eyes he was one to blame. Whether it was because he fully believed that every single negative thing that had happened in his life was his fault or if he simply just chose not to place the fault on anyone else out of selflessness, I wasn't sure.

"What. . .what made you like this, Edward?" I finally asked after a long moment of silence.

My questioned seemed to catch him off guard as his eyebrows furrowed together while he considered it. "Like what?" His face appeared to be blank.

"Cold. Angry. Mean." Sad, confusing, defeated, frustrating, dejected. "Why?" I would have happily sat their and supplied him with an endless list of appropriate adjectives describing his person if I knew that's what he wanted to hear. I knew it wasn't what he wanted to hear. I knew for a fact that the last thing he wanted was for people to point out the obvious. I bit my lip, waiting.

"_Bella_," he practically whined, sounding pained. "How many times do I have to tell you that I _don't fucking know_." His voice wasn't upset, it was angry, and it wasn't irritated. It was defeated in a way, and I hated when he was defeated. His hand remained stuck in his hair as he glanced up at me through his long lashes. My heart rate sped up at the impossible depths of his green eyes which spoke of nothing but unspeakable pain. This was the side he always prioritized in hiding from the world. Because the moment our gazes locked, I could tell he was sincere in the sense that he truly didn't know why he became the person he did. I wanted nothing more than to reach out and comfort him, the urge stronger than it had ever been before, but I couldn't. If I did, I would be crossing a line, one I had worked _so_ hard in trying not to screw up.

So I somehow managed to keep my mouth shut and leave it at that. I didn't mention anything about the huge factor the drugs played in messing with his already complex emotions, I didn't suggest the medication again that I knew would help him, and I didn't continue to hold his lost eyes in mine. I didn't do any of those things because there was no point.

Because Edward really had given up, as much as I tried to convince myself over and over otherwise. How were you supposed to know how to respond to someone who basically admitted in so many variations of words that they were on the verge of suicidal?

You didn't. Because like Edward had said, sometimes you just can't have all of the answers.

* * *

_I'm tired of being what you want me to be,  
feeling so faithless, lost under the surface.  
I don't know what you're expecting of me,  
put under the pressure of walking in your shoes._

_I've become so numb,  
I can't feel you there.  
Become so tired, so much more aware.  
I'm becoming this, all I want to do,  
is be more like me and be less like you.  
_- Linkin Park, Numb

**A little more about Edward, a little more B/E action. A win - win, really.  
****And to those of you who are curious, yes, the LP song Edward was listening to _was_ Numb. Why? "I was never good enough."  
****So, ch. 11 on Sunday sound good?**

**__****Reviews are almost as great as you guys. (:**


	11. My Resolve

**A/N: I AM SO SORRY. A family emergency came up, making posting on Sunday completely impossible. And since the world hates me, I couldn't get to any sort of computer until now. I swear, while you're reading this, I will get to responding to all of your reviews. Just know, I am not ignoring you! And once again, I'm super sorry for the delay.**

**Thanks as always to the ever-fabulous Mary Beth for making this story so gosh-darn pretty and nice and great. (:**

**To those of you who are about ready to give-up in Edward: Just you wait. I swear on my life that he is making progress and that things between them are starting to change. So, be like Bella and don't give up.**

**OH, and on a side note, this chapter is quite lengthy. So microwave yourself up a lovely bag of popcorn and enjoy. ;)**

* * *

Nothing in the next week changed in the slightest. I wondered why I kept expecting it would. Alice remained as persistent as ever in her role-playing the unwanted match-maker while Mike continued to act friendlier than usual. Edward was Edward, showing the same inconsistency as he always did as his attendance became as sketchy as ever. If something didn't change soon, I was going to scream. Loudly.

The whole senior class was buzzing about Rosalie's up-coming party tomorrow night. It was impossible to miss the constant exchanges in regards to costumes, who was going with who, and what type of alcohol would be the most suitable to bring. Because to the class of 2010, nothing said "Happy Halloween" better than a few shots of Vodka apparently.

Charlie was going out of town on a fishing trip this weekend with a couple of friends, leaving me the house to myself for a few days. I never minded being alone much. I'd probably end up just inviting Alice over for a movie night Saturday anyways. Since Rosalie had so graciously volunteered her house to be party headquarters the night before, clearly a high anticipated event among the student body, I didn't need to be concerned about Alice getting any ideas about my empty house from Charlie's absence.

Throughout all of school Thursday and Friday, I had to hear about Alice and Jasper's coordinating outfits. Alice was dressing up like Tinkerbell while she stuck Jasper into a Peter Pan outfit. Poor Jasper. When she volunteered to take care of my dress wear, I politely declined. From what I had heard, costumes were entirely optional. So, using that excuse as my alibi, I chose the rather promising other option of _no _costume. She pouted for a little while about my reluctance before going back to taking care of perfecting the details on skank-ifying her Tinkerbell dress. Like the thing needed anymore "vintage rips." I had rolled my eyes at that statement. Several times.

Since I had never actually been to Rosalie's house, I just ended up going with Alice. I went to her house after school, watched her get ready for three hours, watched her help Jasper get ready for an hour, and then, keeping her excitement coming at full blast, let her do my hair and a touch of make-up. This was a party after all. And since I had already vetoed a ridiculously unnecessary outfit, I figured I owed her at least that much.

Before we left the house at eight, we watched Carlisle leave with Seth, taking him trick-or-treating around the neighborhood. He was dressed as a miniature batman, his face absolutely lit up in the happiest excitement I had ever seen, thrilled by the candy rounds Carlisle was taking him on.

When we arrived at Rosalie's house, I was unsurprised by the similar size it was in comparison to the Cullen mansion. That being said, with Rose I expected nothing less. With easily over two-hundred people already occupying her home, Alice and Jasper made their grand entrance as I sneaked in behind them. Remaining under the radar was what I intended on doing most of the night. Although I recognized the disguised faces of a majority of the people here, I shied away from any potentially awkward conversations. Or any conversations at all, for that matter.

At one point I found Emmett and talked with him for a little bit. He had mostly expressed his jealousy in regards to my lack of costume while complaining about the black tuxedo Rosalie had literally forced him into which intended to compliment the light blue Cinderella dress she pranced around the house in. Rosalie Hale? A princess? Well there was a shocker.

I mainly stayed by Alice's side, declining the numerous glasses of alcohol she offered as I watched her become increasingly tipsy as the night dragged on. I mean, I could have easily accepted any time; Charlie would have never known or figured out. But I just. . .decided not to. I held no bad impressions on the people who chose to partake in beer pong, I just didn't want to be that girl myself. I didn't want to do something I knew I'd regret for months to come. On top of all the stories I had heard from Charlie about underage drinking, finding out how I'd be able to hold my liquor wasn't exactly number one on my list of priorities.

I admittedly spent most of my time avoiding Mike's searching eyes. I knew I was hurting his feelings by ignoring him the way I was, but I couldn't find it in me to tell him no to his face. His little boy features indicated that one wrong move was likely to tear his heart out. I knew it wasn't any better of an alternative, but it was the only solution I was able to come to.

I found myself frequently glancing around any room I was in, trying to pick out his messy copper strands in hopes that he had chosen to make an appearance. _Silly_, I scolded myself. It was ridiculous to even imagine him showing up to a party like this. Maybe just a year ago would I have been able to find him here, talking with the rest of the baseball team, participating in the loud drunken laughter after a round of jell-o shots, with a girl just as beautiful as him at his side. I knew better than to assume anything like that was possible for him anymore though. Still, as always, the image my mind was able to conjure up was temporarily comforting.

Since I hadn't seen him at his house at all, I wondered where he was. Actually, no. It was probably best that I _didn't_ know where he was, and that I _didn't_ know what he was doing.

Unfortunately, just the general subject of him brought on an overwhelming amount of unwanted thoughts, making it hard to concentrate on anything else. I almost considered finally taking Alice up on her drink offer just so that I wouldn't have to deal with the constant presence of him in my thoughts. But I quickly shut down that idea before it had any of a chance to process. Because then I would be like him, and I didn't want to be anywhere even close to a fraction of what he felt.

Somewhere in the midst of my struggle to regain composure, Mike had found me. "Bella!" He smiled widely as he approached, surprising me by his non-existing beer breath while he continued his greeting in closer proximity. "Where have you been? I haven't seen you all night?" Of course he hadn't been drinking. He was too good. In reality, Mike was the kind of guy that any girl dreamed about ending up with. He was nice, cute, and extremely polite. I became angry at myself for not being able to be 'any girl' and fall for that obvious appeal. But I couldn't. And I didn't even know why.

"I've been around," I responded loud enough for him to hear me over the rumble of the bass.

His smile never faltered as he bobbed his head along with the music. "Well I've been looking for you," he informed me anxiously. I hid my mortification as he held his hand out in the air, holding it in my direction with a hopeful grin. "You wanna dance?"

I became dizzy. I couldn't say no when he was being so nice. But damn it, I didn't want to date Mike Newton. He must have noticed the distress on my face and my blatant discomfort as his eyebrows furrowed together in confusion.

"I have to use the bathroom," I blurted the first words that came to my mind before practically running away from his concerned, questioning gaze. Well if that hadn't completely ruined the apparent appeal he had for me, I wasn't sure what would. Charming, Bella. Absolutely adorable.

I climbed the massive staircase in hopes of escaping the loud noises just for a few seconds as I searched for a bathroom. I easily found it, darting into the first door on my left before sinking to the ground as I let my hyperventilation decrease. I squeezed my eyes shut as I tried to reign in my breathing, clearing my mind until the only thing I was able to think about was blankness. I shook my head in disgust with myself at how utterly ridiculous I was acting.

And this was why I didn't go to parties.

Eventually I lifted myself off of the tiled floor, exiting the grand bathroom. I couldn't face Mike again because I had no excuse as to why I had fled so abruptly from him, and neither Alice nor Jasper had shown themselves in the past half hour. I shuddered to consider the possibilities of their absence. Realizing I really didn't have anywhere to go, I slowed my steps as I walked through the hallway. Alice was my ride home and I was fairly sure we wouldn't be leaving anytime soon.

I sighed quietly to myself, wondering again why I had chosen to come. Loud laughter sparked my curiosity as I heard it coming from a room a few doors down. It sounded collective so I knew I didn't have to worry about walking in on an occupied couple such as Alice and Jasper. I came to a room with the door half shut, the source of the loud voices. I peaked in, trying to get a glance without being noticed.

The first thing I noticed was fiery red hair. I had only seen it once, but that's all I had needed to see it to be familiar with who it belonged to now. _She's pretty much the school's drug dealer._ Alice's words from over a month ago suddenly rang in my head as I took in a deep lungful of air, the smell of pot confirming her identity.

There was no reason for me to continue standing there. I knew exactly what was happening on the other side of that door and wanted absolutely nothing to do with it. As I was about to walk away though, an unfamiliar voice mentioned a very familiar name.

"Edward, you're a fucking _riot_, man. I can't believe you didn't even flinch!"

I froze as a cold sweat instantly formed on every inch of my body as the laughter picked up once again. I was overreacting, I tried to convince myself repeatedly. He was just doing what he normally did. I knew I would only get extremely upset if I saw him that moment, so I turned to walk away once again.

But then I stopped.

_You didn't even flinch!_ What could that have possibly meant? The pit forming in my stomach told me to be worried, which was ridiculous. They were all getting high. Hell, none of them could have even comprehended what was coming from their mouths. I told myself to keep walking, but my feet wouldn't seem to listen. Instead, they did the absolute opposite thing.

I pushed open the door, entering the room.

I suddenly felt sick. I let out an audible gasp as I clamped both of my hands over my mouth. The room was most likely a spare guest room, judging by the lack of furniture, and all of them were lounging casually on the ground, enjoying the thick haze that surrounded the room. Among Victoria and six other people I didn't know though but who I only assumed to be the same ones who had been out by the track shed, there was Edward.

He seemed to be the center of attention as all of their unfocused gazes attached themselves to him. His lips were twisted into a seemingly permanent, twisted smile as he leaned his head against the wall, inclining it towards the white ceiling. His eyes were closed, but the darkness below them was impossible to miss. One of his legs was bent while the other stuck out in front of him. His old, damaged converse swung from side to side as if he were keeping the rhythm to the non-existing music in the room.

But none of those incredibly concerning observations were what had me biting my lip to hold back a scream. Edward's arm rested limply on his bent knee, revealing a long, angry gash that was now dripping fresh blood onto the polished wood floor. Next to him laid an object I hadn't noticed before that was the source of his injury.

There was nothing significant about the knife that was lying beside him in the small puddle of blood that continued to grow. In fact, it was nothing more than just a simple steak knife I'm sure one of them had retrieved from the kitchen earlier that night.

I was sickened all over again. I was terrified. Because whether it had been under the obvious influence of both highly effect drugs and peer pressure or if Edward had really wanted to feel something that badly, he had harmed himself.

I was familiar with all of Edward's sides, and _this_. . .this wasn't one of them. This scared me. I was horrified at this all-new level of bad, realizing that he could seriously harm himself beyond repair.

I struggled to find words as my mouth opened up. My feet wouldn't seem to move now either. None of them had noticed me yet. I wanted to throw up, scream, burst into tears, and run all at the same time. Somehow, I managed to find my voice. "What did you give him?" I demanded, my voice wavering in fear for Edward.

Victoria was the only one who seemed to hear me and her head instantly whipped around in my direction. She stared at me for a few long moments, eyes bloodshot as I expected them to be, as she considered my question. Finally she simply shrugged. "He looked a little down so I thought he could use a pick-me-up." A slow, demonic-like smile crept across her lips.

Of course he looked a little down! He _always _did. When my legs _finally_ agreed to work again, they carried me quickly across the room. I fell to the ground next to him, trying to get him to notice me. As I shook him roughly, I earned no response. Edward wasn't on weed. No, he was on something much stronger.

I grew frantic when his eyes remained closed. "Victoria, what has he been smoking?"

I continued to repeat his name as I attempted to pull him out of whatever he seemed to be in. It didn't even matter that I was touching him in that moment, something I had imagined doing hundreds of times. Because there was absolutely nothing that would have succeeded in being satisfied that moment. "Bella-ella-ella-ella. . ." His lazy grin grew more profound, his voice raspy and slurred. And still, his damn eyes wouldn't open up.

"_Victoria_," I repeated through clenched teeth.

"What the fuck's it to ya?" she responded, impassive. In that moment, I had extremely vicious thoughts about what I wanted to do to her with that knife in regards to her total lack of concern. I had to get him out of there somehow, but I needed to figure out what exactly was wrong with him first.

"Please?" I begged, glancing at the bloody mess on his arm once again and cringing. Had my panic not been focused solely on Edward's current condition, the contents of my stomach would have long ago been dislodged onto her stupid face.

She remained completely at ease, disregarding my desperation. "Sorry, dollface. Afraid I can't tell ya that. Dealer/Buyer confidential," she informed me with a smirk, clearly finding the situation much more funny than it actually was. Did any of them realize the severity of this situation? Edward muttered a string of made up words, laughing at himself with his eyes still stubbornly shut. The rest of them erupted into a fit of giggles as well. I was soon shaking in irritation. Of course they didn't.

"You think this is funny?" I sneered at all of them in disbelief. "You think this is fucking _funny_?" My eyes instantly widened as I grimaced at my own hostility. None of them seemed to notice I had spoken at all.

Of course they did. Because they never saw past what they wanted to. They saw entertainment. They saw an average, insignificant blow out, and _not_ an impulsive boy willing to do just about anything to feel numb.

Edward continued humming to himself with his eyes closed while I waited for someone to do something. But no one was going to. And the fact that they were all aiming to score where Edward was now made me even sicker to my stomach than Edward's bloody arm. I had no idea where Alice and Jasper were and had no intentions of going to search for them. Emmett would be too drunk to be of any use, not that he would want to be when he was sober. It was all me. And I had to do something.

In a state of utter panic, my mind began to go frantic with an overwhelming amount of resolution. This wasn't a matter of whose fault it was, or being brave enough to do the right thing. It was about getting him out of whatever the hell he seemed to be in. Because if I didn't, no one else would. They had all come to the same conclusion long ago: Edward wasn't fixable. But that wasn't true, and I refused to side with the popular belief. Everyone deserved a second chance, and everyone deserved to be taken care of. It was impossible, the concept of being _truly_ unfixable. I would fix him. Somehow. Because even though I didn't owe him anything, a majority of the things he said to me were negative, and I hardly even knew him in the first place, I was going to do it. It wasn't about some sort of self-redemption, or personal satisfaction. It was about saving someone's life, something I had made the resolve to do in that moment.

I pulled my light pink, light-weight knitted long-sleeve shirt over my head, immediately pushing away all of my discomfort for now wearing only a white camisole. Besides, there were plenty of girls here who currently had on a lot less clothing than I did. Still in a daze, he didn't so much as flinch when I began wrapping my shirt around his injured arm like a bandage. After that was taken care of for now, I stood up and began trying to pull him to his feet as well.

"Edward, come _on_," I pleaded uselessly with him. "Please, Edward. Let's go?"

I don't know what caused him to finally open his eyes, but when he did, I nearly screamed. They were so much more than just scary. They were. . .psychotic. His beautifully bright green irises were no longer visible except for not even a millimeter rim around his now huge, black pupils. And by looking into them I could tell even more so then I could before, that at the moment, Edward was so far unreachable that he was potentially lethal to himself. He was probably dangerous to me too, but I ignored that for now.

I'm not sure how I possibly managed to get him to cooperate, but I somehow got him to exit the house with me. Too entranced by their own cliché thoughts, no one bothered paying any attention to us.

The temperature had dropped immensely since the party had first started, and it couldn't have been anymore than forty degrees out. The clock on my cell phone read just after midnight as I scanned the many cars scattered throughout the block. I clutched Edward's hand tightly in mine, not letting him wander off anywhere by himself.

"It's fucking cold," he complained, his whine resembling that of a child's.

My eyes finally zeroed in on the dark shape of his shiny Volvo. I dragged him along with me until we arrived at it. "Edward, can I have your keys?" I asked sweetly, hoping he wouldn't resist. He stared at me for a long moment with the most quizzical expression, like I was asking him for a billion dollars rather than just a set of car keys. "Please?" I pressed softly.

"I don't wanna leave," he protested, crossing his arms with a profound, twisted smirk. "I wanna stay here all night."

"We need to go," I declared firmly. "Edward, you're high."

Another lazy grin crossed his lips as he lowered his eye lashes suggestively. "No. Silly, Bella-ella-ella, you're just shorter than me." He inclined himself down so that we were eye level, bringing his face much closer to mine then I had anticipated. I tried to calm my heart rate as I took a step back. Regardless of how far gone he was, he still had that same affect on me. I barely found my will-power to ignore his close proximity.

"Edward, we need to go." I repeated, begging him this time.

He once again surprised me by reluctantly digging into the pocket of his jeans before dropping the keys into my waiting hand. "Fine, fine," he muttered angrily as he sauntered around to the passenger side.

After I got in and started the ignition, I suddenly realized that I had no idea what I was doing. Where was I supposed to take him? What was I even supposed to _do_ with him? The hospital was out of the question. Once I cleaned his arm and got it properly wrapped it would be fine. And I knew that whatever was in his system would pass. If I took him there they would only do tests and discover all of his excessive dosages. Edward was eighteen, a legal adult. If they found out the amount of illegal drugs he both possessed and used, he would go straight to jail.

His house was also out of the question. Alice had mentioned something about Seth, Carlisle, and Esme leaving to visit some friends out of town once Seth was done trick-or-treating. I had no way of knowing when either Alice or Emmett would get home, or if they would even return at all, and I knew that to them, this was how Edward was. They would only get upset with him, and there would be a million questions I couldn't answer as to why I was there with him. To avoid those questions that would meaning leaving him there alone, and I knew well enough to understand that leaving Edward home would be possibly one of the worst options.

So I would have to bring him to my house. And the thought was absolutely unnerving.

Of course, no where near as terrifying as the concept of driving his expensive car there. But there was no way in hell he was under any condition himself to drive, even though I myself was intoxicated by the strong vapors that filled the small space. I was guessing this was where Edward did a majority of his rounds.

I carefully maneuvered around the cars both behind and in front of us before pulling away from the Hale mansion. I don't think I ever went over thirty the whole drive. I didn't want to crash his pretty little car.

The whole time while I was driving, he continued to mutter under his breath the most obscenely random phrases I had ever heard put together in actual sentences at an incredibly fast rate. I glanced over him at one point, checking to see if he was still. . .okay. Except for "okay" really wasn't the right word because clearly, Edward was the farthest thing _from_ okay as anyone could possibly have been. I guess I was checking to see if he was still slightly sane.

His feet were jittering so rapidly that it looked as if he were seizing. The hand that wasn't wrapped by my now half pink-half red shirt was running through his hair so frequently that I thought he might just pull it all out with his incredibly aggressive movements. His eyes constantly darted, out his window out my window.

"Why are you doing that?" I asked, my voice shaking almost as much as his feet currently were.

He immediately stopped at the sound of my voice, leaving his fingers tangled in his wildly crazed hair. "Fucking heart won't stop fucking beating," he shook his head furiously. ". . .won't fucking stop. . ." Nonsensical words began slipping out of his mouth once again as he stared out the window.

"Edward, your heart has to beat. You'd die if it wasn't." You'd also die if it were beating too fast. By the speed my heart seemed to so keen on thundering, at any rate I might just have a heart attack.

". . ._fucking so what_? . . ." was the only phrase I was able to make-out of what he was saying to himself. In that moment, _my_ heart stopped. It wasn't a question, and there were no excuses as to what Edward had just very clearly implied. He had implied that living wasn't exactly very high on his list of priorities.

As I drove, my breathing became erratic. _Breath, Bella_. I instructed myself. He wasn't himself. Nothing he said was making any sense anyways. Him saying that didn't mean anything. This wasn't Edward. He hadn't meant that, the drugs had. For some reason, none of my attempts at assurance seemed to be helping. Because even though I knew they were all true, I couldn't erase the implications of what he had said.

Edward didn't seem to notice or take much interest to my house as soon as we arrived there. It was vacant with luckily no signs of Charlie back early. I dialed the garage code into the keypad before it opened up and I led Edward inside.

"Can you go sit on the couch?" I asked him softly. I hoped that if _I _stayed calm, he would stay calm too. His hand was on a non-stop rampage through his hair once again as he nodded without protest and sauntered over to the faded blue couch, obliging to my request. I hurried to retrieve the first aid kit Charlie had stashed in the upstairs bathroom. I came back downstairs and to my relief found him right where I had left him, only he had inclined himself so that his head was now resting against the back of the couch cushion with his eyes shut.

I cautiously sat down next to him, opening up the white kit and pulling out the items I would need in order to take care of his arm. "Edward, can I see your arm?" I requested politely. My tone was as if I were talking to Seth who had fallen off of his bike on the sidewalk rather than Edward who had cut himself at a party. It seemed to work.

He reluctantly held out his bad arm for inspection. "Doctor Swan," he cracked up in amusement with himself. I couldn't find it in me to even smile. Because absolutely nothing about this situation was funny in the slightest bit. "Bella-ella-ella. . ." He began muttering once again before progressing into another round of excessive humming. It was no one's fault but Rihanna, really, the fact that my name just so happened to rhyme perfectly with her chart-topping single.

Careful not to startle him by causing him any pain, I gingerly unwrapped my blood-stained shirt from around his arm. Blood wasn't my thing. In fact, at the sight of it my stomach usually grew instantly uneasy. But this was different for some reason. It was always different with Edward.

The cut was fairly deep, though shallow enough so that no major veins had been damaged too badly. But still, the angry, jagged line into his skin was far from anywhere near assuring.

The bleeding seemed to have stopped for now, but I still needed to clean the cut before I did anything else. I got up once again, went over to the sink, and quickly damped a clean wash cloth. His humming had yet to die as I began dabbing gently over the wound. During the whole two minutes that I repeated the cleaning process he didn't react in the slightest without so much as the smallest flinch. But knew what I had to do next, and I knew that Edward's indifference towards the whole cut wouldn't remain so content with it all. I reached for the small bottle of peroxide and poured a small amount of it onto a clean rag. He only needed a little – just enough so that it wouldn't be infected.

"This is gonna sting a little," I admitted apologetically. He showed no signs that he had even heard me as his eyes remained shut once again. I cringed myself before I began dabbing it on because I was terrified of how violent his reaction would be.

His eyes immediately flashed open, furious as he abruptly tore his arm out of my reach. "Holy _fuck_," he exclaimed with wide eyes, apparently mortified that I would willingly choose to put him through that. "What is that shit? Acid death juice? You're no fucking doctor. . ." And just like that his eyes fell closed again and the nonsensical muttering started up once more.

"I have to do it again," I warned, reaching for him arm.

He tugged it away from me, his forehead creasing. "Uh, no way, Bella-ella. . .ella-ella-ella-ella. . ." The endearment as he sang my name to himself wasn't enough to relax me either. I eventually obtained his arm once again, trying once more at cleaning it. But the same thing happened as his dark eyes shot open, horrified. "Fuck, fuck, fuck-edy, fuck that shit hurts!" His upset gaze shot to mine before he narrowed his eyes at me. "Why do you keep _hurting_ me?"

The double meaning his words held clenched painfully at my heartstrings as I stared into his wide eyes. He scowled in response, sharply turning his unfocused gaze away. I sighed, utterly frustrated. Giving up, I set down the stupid peroxide and just wrapped the damn thing. Maybe a different time, when he was actually stable, I could make sure it was uninfected and clean, but for now, what I had done was going to have to do.

I stood up. "I'm going to get you a glass of water, okay? Stay here." Giving him any sort of painkiller like Aspirin or Ibuprofen was out of the question due to whatever was currently in his system. I didn't want him any closer to a dangerous drug over-dose than he already was. And since I had no remedy for curing something such as this, water was going to have to do.

"Okie-dokie, Doctor Bella-ella," he grinned, his eyes glassed over and unfocused.

I filled a large, plastic cup, not wanting to have to deal with picking up broken glass on top of everything I was already trying to manage. When I returned to the living room, I found Edward passed out cold, sprawled across the couch as one arm dangled over the side, finally holding still. I sighed, completely exhausted.

"Edward?" I called his name several times, checking to see if he was really asleep. I made sure he had a pulse, pressing two fingers firmly over his wrist. He appeared to be okay. Maybe by the time we woke up again, he actually would be.

I studied his oddly serene face. Not a muscle was tense, and there was absolutely no visible strain coming from anywhere. I don't think I had ever seen him so utterly peaceful before. His lips parted slightly open, and I heard his quiet breath escape through the small entrance. He looked so much younger than he usually did. So much more innocent. Looking at his harmonious face seemed to serenade me into a state of calmness.

Unthinkingly, I reached out and stroked back the few strands of hair that had fallen over his face. I was startled by the softness of his hair, wanting nothing more than to run my hands through it all night. I bawled my fists together, restraining myself from touching him anymore; from lightly tracing his eyelids, his full lips, his prominent cheek bones. Something ignited in me as I watched him, overwhelming me with an abundance of new feelings. Because I was now fighting with myself.

Fighting a physical desire.

The urge to lie closely beside him, to feel his strong arms encircle around me brought unsettling tears to my eyes. Because that could never happen. I rapidly blinked my eyes several times, getting rid of them. If Edward wasn't capable of caring about himself, how could he ever bring himself to care for someone else?

I cared about his well-being, about the atrophy of himself he was trying to live in, but that was it. That had to be it. Because if I started caring for him in other ways, I would be signing myself up for an unbearable amount of pain and letdown. If I started to really care for Edward, I knew I wouldn't be able to stop. I would be in too deep to try and escape my own feelings. So I had to keep them in check, a task that would require an insane amount of effort and will-power. I had to, because I couldn't start liking someone who would never be able to like me back.

The tears returned once again, and this time, I couldn't help them from falling silently down my cheeks. I could see how easy it would be to fall into loving Edward. It would be entirely like falling: effortless. Not letting myself love him would be the exact opposite of falling – it would be like pulling myself up a cliff-face, the task of not letting go as grueling as if I also had fifty mile-an-hour winds at my face. Because had the circumstances been any different, who was to say that him and I weren't meant to be?

I escaped the trance his presence was creating, fleeing from the room to retrieve a blanket for him as a distraction. I also shot Alice a quick text letting her know that I got a ride home with someone and that she didn't need to worry about me. I draped the blanket over the top of him and settled into the old recliner directly across from him.

Without warning, my own exhaustion suddenly prevented me from keeping my eyes open and I soon fell into an uneasy, restless sleep.

I woke up several times that night, each time checking to see if Edward was still alive and breathing. When I woke up at seven the next morning, I knew that any hopes for more sleep were impossible and I reluctantly kept my eyes open. I glanced at Edward who appeared to still be deeply asleep and hoped he would stay like that for a while. Judging by my daily observations, Edward rarely slept during the night. Besides, with each second that ticked by on the clock I began to grow worried with what his reaction would be to waking up in my house, on my couch.

I let out a big yawn, stretching my arms above my head before getting up and walking over to the kitchen. I poured myself a bowl of Rice Krispies and silently ate my breakfast in a sleepy daze. I washed my dishes once I was finished and ran up to my room to retrieve a book to read, taking the quilt from off my bed and bringing it back downstairs with me.

It was still dark outside and the rain seemed to be coming down fairly hard, showing no signs of letting up for the remainder of the long day ahead. I curled up back on Charlie's worn blue recliner, wrapping my quilt tightly around myself as I began reading Pride and Prejudice for the hundredth, automatically glancing in his direction every few minutes.

I don't know how many hours passed by, but eventually his loud groan pulled me from my book. He was rubbing his hands over his eyes while attempting to sit up. I bit my lip, waiting for his unpredictable reaction.

His eyes darted around the room, clearly confused, before eventually they shot to mine. They were extremely red, but not from the night before. More like the aftermath. They looked so incredibly sore, making me wonder how painful they really were. To my extreme relief, the green had returned to his eyes and his pupils were back to their normal size. Normal, and completely bewildered. "Bella?" His voice was raspier than I had ever heard it. But I knew he was sober now.

"How are you feeling?" I asked nervously, still waiting for the anger to come. But it never did. All I saw as I stared into the depths of his emerald eyes was an unfathomable amount of sorrow.

He slowly dropped his gaze as he ran a hand through his messy hair. "Um, I don't mean to sound rude or anything," he began quietly, "but what the fuck am I doing here?"

"Oh my god," I muttered under my breath in disbelief. I shook my head, trying to clear it. I was expecting him to be hungover but this. . .this was ridiculous! "You don't remember anything from last night, do you?" I asked, stunned.

I watched as he rubbed his hands over his eyes once again, only this time he kept them there. He slumped forward, dropping his elbows to rest on his knees as he began slowly shaking his head. "Shit," I heard him mumble to himself before his voice only grew louder. "_Shit_!" He suddenly slammed his fist down on the cushion next to him before gripping it roughly into his hair. It looked as if he were trying to pull it out. He wasn't angry, he was upset. Not with me, with himself. I could tell.

I shifted in my seat, dropping my book to the floor. "Are you okay?" What a stupid question to ask, Bella. The look he gave me as he glanced up at me through his long lashes said the exact same thing. He let out another loud, frustrated groan.

"Edward, what exactly do you remember from last night?" I hedged. "Any of it?"

When he finally chose to meet my gaze once again, it clenched painfully at my heart. He looked so _sad_. "Vick talked me into going to a party," he began explaining in a low voice. "Rosalie Hale's, I think. So I went. . ." he trailed off before burying his face in his hands once again. "And that's all I can remember."

I gulped, inhaling a steady breath as I attempted to keep my voice from shaking. "I found you in a room with them. Victoria was there. When I found you. . .you weren't exactly normal." That was putting it lightly. "You were mumbling a lot of weird things and you were humming too. And your arm," I gestured with my eyes to his wrapped arm he had failed to notice. "You sort of cut it. You were bleeding really badly, and I didn't know where Alice or Emmett was, and you needed some sort of help," my words rushed out of my mouth at an incredible rate. "And I knew I couldn't take you too the hospital because you could have gone to jail, and no one at your house was home, and I'm really sorry. I'm _really_ sorry." At this point I was gasping for air. "Please don't be mad I just. . .you were saying some things and I couldn't leave you alone. I just couldn't. . ."

I wanted to pull my quilt over my face and hide there out of utter embarrassment. I'm sure I sounded not far from a psychotic stalker. I bit my lip as my heart pounded in my chest, waiting for him to respond.

He seemed to sink further into the couch after my explanation, still tugging at his hair while he inspected his bandaged arm. "God damn," he muttered, shaking his head to himself. "Fucking cocaine. _Shit_."

Cocaine? I had never really considered that. I mean, I guess it made sense, depending on exactly how much he had taken. But the way he had acted. . .it seemed like cocaine wasn't strong enough to produce _that_. "Edward, I'm really sorry," I repeated once again, not being able to stop myself. "I'm _really_ sorry. I just. . .I couldn't–"

The glare he shot in my direction stopped my words cold. I gasped, freezing in place. "Will you stop fucking saying that?" he demanded angrily, green eyes alight with fury. "You didn't. . .God, you didn't fucking _do _anything. Stop _apologizing_, Bella. Or I'll fucking throw-up." He was being so mean. To himself. I wished more than anything that I could have insight into his mind, that I could have just the smallest glimpse of what was currently running through his head. But just like typical Edward, you could never even begin to guess.

I didn't say anything as I watched the rapid rising and falling of his chest while he seemed to calm himself down. Neither of us said anything for over five minutes. In a quiet voice, he finally spoke again. "Why?"

I met his questioning eyes with questions of my own. "Why what?"

His jaw was so tense that the physical strain was almost painful to watch. He squinted his eyes, pulling at his hair for the thousandth time that morning. "Why did you do it?"

I could have given him so many answers. I could have told him I didn't have an answer. All of my responses though seemed to lead to unhappy places and conversations that seemed to be growing old. He knew he messed up. Why rub that in his face any more by being unnecessarily intuitive? This wasn't the time or place for another one of our repetitive vocal battles. I could have yelled at him if I wanted to. Could have told him how stupidly he was choosing to waste his life, how if he would only listen to me about the medication that it really would work. I could have told him all of those things, and yet, what would I be gaining? Because right now, Edward wasn't high, or angry. Edward was depressed. It would have been the most heartless thing I had ever done – kicking him while he was already down.

I felt the smallest of smiles tug at my lips as I stared back at him. "You brought me soup when I was sick. Now we're even."

* * *

_Cut my life into pieces,  
this is my last resort.  
Suffocation,  
no breathing.  
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding.  
_- Last Resort, Papa Roach

**-hides- I know this wasn't what most of you wanted to happen at the party, but it's Edward. What did you think was gonna happen? -holds breath- Trust? There's always a light at the end of the tunnel.**

**I'll post chapter 12 on Monday morning. I _promise_ this time.**

**A review would be awfully nice, even though I'm a meany for leaving it there. (:**


	12. Life Raft

**A/N: So, I'll keep this note short and sweet since I don't have much to say other than the usual, that you guys rock my friggin' socks.**

***hands out popcorn* It's another long one so make yourselves comfortable, will ya? HAPPY MONDAY!**

**Huge thanks to MB as always for being super fabulous and amazing and all that jazz.**

* * *

"I have to go," he informed me grimly, standing up. I was disappointed that I hadn't been able to pull him from his apparent sadness, but then again, never once had I been able to pull him from anything. He was currently sober, so I had no excuses to protest against him driving. Of course, whatever he did after he left was beyond my control and I wouldn't even bother trying to stop him. Because I had a pretty good feeling that I knew what his agenda for the day consisted of.

"Can I check your arm first?" I requested hesitantly, not wanting to upset him. "You wouldn't really let me put anything on it last night. . ." I didn't want him to leave. Not yet. I wanted him to stay. More than I was willing to admit to myself.

Without meeting my gaze he retrieved the keys to his Volvo that I had left on the coffee table and began walking over to the door. He paused in front of it, his hand ghosting over the knob as he glanced back at me over his shoulder. _Please don't turn it_. "No, Bella. I think you've done enough."

His eyes were so hard to meet as I took in the utter self-hatred they held. Strands of hair fell over his eyes, only this time, I couldn't brush them back. No matter how well of a charade he played with all of the profanity, the drugs, the anger, it always seemed to come back to this in the end. This horrible self-hatred. Because he couldn't seem to stop it from happening. In his mind, in his _heart_, he truly believed that he couldn't win. He didn't _want_ to win. He didn't want to try, nor did he want anyone to _try_ and help him. Without a fight, he was allowing it to happen. Edward was allowing himself, what was _left_ of himself, to be consumed by his demons.

He walked out the door without another word, into the pouring rain

Without warning, I suddenly let out quiet, angry scream, throwing my book across the room at the door he had just exited, uncaring that he could possibly hear me.

Tears of frustration began to fill my eyes. I furiously blinked them away. I was so done with crying. It was ridiculous, I realized, and I had no reasons to think otherwise. I wasn't some sort of miracle worker – he himself had made that perfectly clear. I had done a horrible thing. I had somehow managed to convince myself that with a couple of smiles and assuring words, I would get to see the Edward my mind had created. But I was wrong. _So_ wrong that my frustration boiled over once again and this time, I couldn't stop the tears from boiling over as well.

I hated crying. I hated it _so_ much. But lately, it seemed to be all I had been doing.

-oOo-

"You seem. . .distracted." Her incredibly obtuse statement was far from unexpected.

I sighed. "Why does everyone keep saying that?"

She shoved a handful of popcorn into her small mouth, staring aimlessly at the flashing colors on the TV screen. "Because you do," she paused for a moment, swallowing. "But don't worry, I know. 'It's nothing, Alice.'" she air-quoted my monotone voice with her fingers. "Yeah, got it, Bella."

I bit my lip, upset that she was getting the impression that I didn't trust her with the complications of my mind. It wasn't that. It definitely wasn't that.

It was just. . .I knew I couldn't tell her any of the events that had happened between Edward and I. It had nothing to do with trust, or fear of her spreading gossip. It had everything to do with my fear of _her_ reaction. She would worry about me, she would worry about Edward. She would be mad at me, she would be mad at Edward. So really I was just saving her from unnecessary emotions. Besides, I don't think think either of us even considered each other as friends. At least, he sure as hell didn't. I didn't because he didn't.

We finished our movie marathon with Fight Club. By the time it ended, it was well after two in the morning. Alice had dozed off about halfway through the movie while I remained very much awake. Just like last night, the sleep that I got was both restless and very little. I had to be careful, or pretty soon the bags under my eyes would start to resembling Edward's. Then Alice would have a legitimate reason to worry.

Charlie came home Sunday afternoon and asked how my weekend went. I told him it was good, that I went to a Halloween party at Rosalie's, about Alice and mine's movie marathon, and how I had finished all of my school homework and had been reading a lot. I mean, no need to mention the unnecessary details. Like bringing an incredibly high boy back to the house and having him spend the night while I made sure he didn't do anything ridiculous while he was unstable. I wanted to spare Charlie a heart attack. Forty-two was still fairly young.

Sunday night was another struggle to fall asleep. I knew it wouldn't be long before the consequences of my insomnia began kicking in, and worried that my tolerance level would soon start to rapidly drop.

Monday morning Alice was her usual chipper self during both Trig and lunch. Everyone was going on and on about how amazing of a time they had at Rosalie's Friday night, who had the best costumes, who hooked up with who. Their conversations quickly became painfully predictable and I found myself resisting the urge to shout profanities numerous times. It almost made me sick – the fact that everyone seemed to simply just spend their whole life considering only things that would revolve around them. It was disgusting. If people could just take a second out of their superficial lives and look around to notice when something or someone is not okay, the world would be such a less painful place.

I wasn't too surprised when I didn't see Edward at all on Monday. Or Tuesday. I realized that lately, I was way more shocked when he actually _did_ show up then when he didn't at all.

He was in English on Wednesday, but like usual, it had been a lecture day for Mr. Banner and I didn't get a chance to say a word to him. Though, by the way his chin remained defiantly directed at the front of the room the whole time, I was fairly sure he didn't want me to say a word to him.

He actually showed up to Biology that day too. It was another work day today, and I was more than just a little nervous to talk to him since our last conversation had been thoroughly unsettling. For some reason, I knew that him bringing up anything that had to do with Friday night and Saturday morning was extremely unlikely. Of course, that would mean actually talking, something he showed absolutely no signs of doing as his permanently grim stare remained solely on the desk in front of him. This frustrated me. I was so fed up with being practically comatose with his amount of interest.

When he reached up to scratch the back of his neck while yawning, the sleeve of his sweatshirt slid back enough for me to catch a glimpse of the white gauze still wrapped around his knife injury. I spoke without thinking. "How has your arm been?"

He didn't respond. In fact, he showed absolutely no sign that he had even heard me at all. "Edward?" I repeated. I was trying not to be pushy, but damn it, this was getting to be beyond ridiculous. So I couldn't even _talk_ to him now? I stared out the window in the opposite direction, hindering on an immense amount irritation.

"It's fine."

I glanced up at him in surprise, though he showed no signs that he had even spoken at all. I stared at him for a long moment, watching as he slowly brought his hand up to trace aimless circles with the tip of his finger on the black surface. "Does it hurt anymore?" I asked tentatively.

"I just said it was fine, didn't I?" he snapped in quiet defense, still not moving his head a fraction of an inch as he continued absentmindedly watching the movements of his slender finger. His leg bounced up and down so rapidly that it was making _me_ anxious.

Clearly, nothing about him was _fine_. But I wasn't willing to admit to defeat that easily, though. Whether it was the fact that I remembered my resolution, or I just had bad judgment in general for these things, I wasn't sure. I angled myself in my chair so that I was facing him completely. He didn't seem to either notice or care. "That's good," I declared, shifting uncomfortably in my seat before trying once again to start a conversation. He was proving it to be utterly impossible. "So, how has your day been?" It took all of my will-power to keep my hand from meeting my face. Stupid, Bella. What a stupid question.

He let out an incredulous chuckle, thinking the same thing I'm sure, before his mouth fell back into its usual grim line. He didn't answer. What a surprise there. I remained persistent as ever, not letting him win. He was so used to winning, so used to convincing people that not communicating with him was what he wanted, that losing would be good for him. To him, in his mind, I knew it seemed like a ridiculous concept – that things had to get worse before they could get better, but he truly believed it was just that. A ridiculous concept. It was all just a game to him. But god, life wasn't a game. Not even close. You're not given the permission to just give up. So I would have to shake him, and by not talking to him at all, I would be doing just the opposite of that.

"So, uh," I began nervously, fiddling with the sleeves of my shirt. "How are. . .things?" Brilliant. I commended myself on being able to somehow manage finding a question worse than asking about the events of his day.

I caught the haste movement out of the corner of my eye of him abruptly snapping his head up and shifting his gaze in my direction. I shouldn't have been surprised to see the hostility, but it still caught me off guard and had me cringing into my seat. "What the hell do you want, Bella?" he asked angrily. I wasn't even sure the pot was what had him so mad in that moment. I came to the upsetting realization that I was only just thoroughly pissing him off. When Edward was like this – Angry Edward, it was the worse possible time to test his tolerance. I should have known that.

"I just thought that. . .that. . ." I stumbled helplessly over my words, patronized by his cold glare.

"Thought that what?" he responded as his eyes grew impossibly more threatening.

I swallowed hard. "I thought that maybe you'd, you know. . ."

He narrowed his eyes as they remained on me. In that moment, I would have gladly taken back my inner request for him to look at me. I had trouble breathing right when he was looking at me like that, and I couldn't stand the fact that he could just rattle me _so_ easily. "I'd what?" He inferred bitterly. "Sit on a couch and pour out my feelings to you?" he let out a humorless chuckle, causing me to flinch at its utter apathy. "You can fucking erase that idea from your mind right now if that's what you were expecting to happen."

I somehow managed to find my voice. "Edward, I'm just worried about you!" I admitted honestly.

He didn't like my confession. Not at all. He gritted his teeth tightly together as he furrowed his eyes at me. I knew his fists were probably clenched as well but I wasn't able to check. I was like a deer in headlights. I just couldn't. . .look away. "I'm not a fucking charity case." His voice was quiet, accusatory, and the absolute most furious I had ever heard him.

Did he really think that that was what I thought of him as? That he was nothing more than a mere puzzle; a _challenge_ for me to fix up? It was my turn to get angry. I had gone night after night with little to no sleep, and regardless of if I was fighting a losing battle, I was not about to let him dismiss my efforts just like that. Because I was so sick of his refusal of _everything_. Was he refusing to let me help him in some misguided attempt to protect me? I doubted that. He made it painfully obvious that not even did he take his own well-being into considering. The idea that he would do so for others was damn near laughable. My mind raced back and forth all over the options I didn't seem to have, none of them which made any kind of sense. He was so entirely enigmatic, and possibly the most frustrating human being ever to walk the face of the earth.

"And I'm not your punching bag!" I retorted, my anger finally bubbling over. "I'm just trying to understand you. That's all." I explained in exasperated annoyance. "So stop taking all your goddamn anger out on me."

I was not expecting any other voice but his, and was startled when Mrs. Snow seemed to appear impossibly out of thin air. "Language, Ms. Swan, is not something I will tolerate in this classroom." _Oh, you have got to be kidding me_. "If I hear anymore, I will be regrettably writing your name down on the attendance sheet for after school detention."

I was fuming. Literally fuming in my seat as she walked away. I raised my chin defiantly, positioning myself towards the front of the classroom as I glared ahead. Unbelievable. I shook my head in disgust. I then heard the most unexpected sounds. Edward laughing. And he wasn't just quietly chuckling to himself, he was shaking with it. There were a lot of things I wanted to say to him in that moment, most of them extremely unpleasant, but I didn't. Instead I said absolutely nothing, unable to calm myself down enough to appreciate the musical sounds he was producing. I couldn't believe him. Where the hell had _that_ come from? The irony of Mrs. Snow's lecture to me was painful. I couldn't fathom how just like magic, Edward's permanent glare had quickly turned into unstoppable laughter. He obviously found the whole situation a lot funnier than I did.

Needless to say, I slid him an unfinished sheet from our packet and refused to acknowledge him for the rest of the class. I was pretty good at ignoring him, I think. Then again, I learned from the best.

-oOo-

"Wait, last year he was on the _chess team_?" I giggled as Alice bobbed her head rapidly in response.

"Not just on it, Bella," she informed in with a grin, "He won second place in Nationals!"

I would no longer look at big, hot-shot jock Tyler Crowley the same way ever again. Starting the third month of school, I was beginning to be able to put names with faces much more frequently now. We sat in the middle of Alice's large bed as she filled me in on the student body secrets while flipping through last year's yearbook. Even though it was only her second year in Forks, I'm sure she knew much more than half of the people who had gone to school here since kindergarten. But then again, that was just Alice.

She enthusiastically pointed her finger in the direction of any picture containing Jasper, going into a different story about their relationship each time. The next page she flipped to consisted of class royalty. I was expecting to see Rosalie's face in the mix, unsurprised when I was able to find her in a tiara, wearing satin red floor-length dress with an arm wrapped around the waist of. . ._Edward_?

I stared at the image of the two of them in shock. Edward in a tuxedo was, well, Edward in a tuxedo. I couldn't pry my wide eyes away from the genuine smile plastered on the face of his alter-ego. Yet another picture from the past. "Alice, they weren't dating, were they?"

Alice suddenly threw her head back in trilling laughter. Her gray-blue eyes danced with amusement as she quickly shook her head. "Never mention that idea to Rose if you want to keep your life," she informed me, still chuckling. "She hates him. Like, absolutely loathes him. She always has, apparently." I stared at the picture some more as she continued to answer the questions implicating in my curious gaze. "But they've been royalty every year so far." By the way her tone changed towards the end of the sentence made it very clear that _so far_ meant _there's no way in hell that he's ever going to be king this year_. It was also abundantly clear that this picture had been taken before the accident. Alice finished my silent thought. "This was during the winter formal. . .a week before it happened."

I didn't want to go there, knowing very well that she didn't either. I quickly changed topics. "So wouldn't a couple usual entitle the place of king and queen?"

Her blank gaze fell onto the several rings decorating her fingers as she absentmindedly slid them on and off. "Rosalie's as close as a real life princess you're going to get, and Edward was Mr. Popularity. Even with Emmett in the picture, everyone has always voted on the two of them. Rosalie hates it."

"What about Edward?" I asked quietly, wondering how he had somehow made it into the equation alone. "Didn't he have a girlfriend?" The concept of him not having one back then was almost as ridiculous as the concept of him and Rosalie together.

Alice shook her head, frowning. "Edward never really did the whole girlfriend thing. . ." Oh. So he was _that_ guy. I felt an overwhelming surge of disappointment swell through me as the perfect visions I had created of him suddenly faltered. She glanced up at me, noticing the emotions on my face as she let out a sad sigh and held my gaze. "Bella, I know what you're thinking, but he wasn't like that. He was a lot of things, but he was never a man-whore. Just a guy," she grimaced. "A few girls here and there. I mean, I guess he didn't really have time for a relationship." I wondered why she always defended him when it seemed like to her, he was the last person on earth who deserved defending.

I pursed my lips in curiosity as I tilted my head slightly to the side. "How didn't he have time?"

She dropped her gaze once again, staring at his picture with a certain fondness in her eyes. The way she always looked when reminiscing about the past. "Baseball is really the only good sports team our school has to offer, but it used to be basketball too." Suddenly, her fingers were rapidly flipping through the pages, stopping when they were turned to a montage of sports. As I studied them, I noticed a majority of the pictures that had been taken were of the basketball team. My eyes fell onto a picture of Edward, mid-air, shooting the ball. Her voice pulled me from my wandering thoughts as my eyes remained glued to yet another one of his old alter-egos. "He could have gotten a scholarship to anywhere in the world if he wanted to."

After Alice said that, I quickly changed topics again. I couldn't handle hearing about something I wanted to happen so badly that it hurt. I wanted him to be like that again. To be worthy of the way Alice spoke so highly of who he had been. But I didn't want to torture myself by playing with the idea too much in my head.

Who was I kidding? I was already torturing myself. Ever since the Halloween party, I had been holding myself responsible for him. It was ridiculous, I was well aware of that, but I knew that if it happened again; if he hurt himself while I wasn't around, I would feel as if it were entirely my fault. Which was completely, utterly absurd. I had to start being careful – I was already in too deep as it was. Attached in ways I knew were hazardous to myself.

Hard as I may have tried though, it was impossible not to stop myself from getting sucked into the vortex of Edward Cullen. Besides, since I was already in over my head, I might as well start putting as much of an effort as I was capable of into getting him to start trusting me.

As soon as I realized I hadn't registered a single word Alice had said in the last minute, I sent her an apologetic smile. She disregarded the short absence my mind had taken, continuing to flip and gossip relentlessly about the Forks student body. Her words, everything she was saying – it all sounded so simple. So easy. Being a teenager, living it up. It's what kids our age were supposed to be doing. They were supposed to be having the time of their lives, reckless with all the new freedom they had been given in the recent years. No one should have to miss out on that.

Which was exactly why I needed to get into Edward's brain the fact that medication wasn't just a crutch. That it's not some temporary cast. It was a life raft. And he had been treading water for _so _long. I didn't care if he didn't want to talk to anyone about anything, I just wanted him to know that if he ever did change his mind, he had options.

-oOo-

The next day in Bio, I tried putting my whole "life raft" notion into action. Edward seemed more at ease whenever I did, so I went with a friendlier tactic than I normally did. When he walked into the room, seconds before the bell rang, he appeared attentive enough. At least, as attentive as he was capable of. His eyes weren't as red today – something that gave me enough courage to speak to him. He didn't say "hi" when he sat down, but that wasn't anything new. Rarely were days where he actually would acknowledge me.

I waited until the opportunity to talk was presented when we were given a review day. Angling my head towards him, I kept my voice steady and even. "Seth looks just like you," I sighed fondly.

He didn't respond at first, but I didn't expect him to. _Patience_. I had to be patient if I wanted to accomplish anything. Eventually the fact that I had spoken seemed to register with him. He slowly turned his head towards me, tilting it slightly to the side as he pursed his lips in a half-grimace. "You don't ever just start a conversation with 'hi', do you?"

I _think_ he was joking. I reeled some more. "He's like a mini you."

To my surprise, his expression seemed to come to life. The smallest of smiles appeared in the place of the usual grim line his lips always seemed so keen to form. "He's a good kid."

I automatically smiled in response to the softness of his voice. "Your family is actually kinda perfect," I admitted, watching the way his eyes constantly darted in a pattern from the desk, to the front of the room, and back to my face.

"Mostly."

Both his voice and face were impossible for me to read. Usually when he was like this, it was because he was sad, which meant consequentially, whatever he was referring to in his simple response wasn't all rainbows and smiles. My forehead creased as my smile faltered. "What does that mean?"

This time, his tired green gaze stayed on me. With his voice as quiet as ever, he simply shrugged. "I kinda fall short of the perfection, don't you think?"

I would never understand how he could be so hard on himself _all the time_. His answer wasn't just a little depressing. I remembered back to when he had explained to me how he was never good enough for his parents. I knew for a fact that that was never the case. I wondered for a second if he had always been like this. If this was just another piece of the old Edward.

"No, Edward," I told him firmly, unsure of whether I was trying to convince the both of us rather than just him. "They love you. I can tell, even if you can't."

I couldn't tell if my response had pushed him down deeper or if it had somehow managed to make him notice the life raft I had long ago thrown to him. I wanted to do cartwheels across the room when even though it may have been small, a smirk became evident at his lips. "Do you purposely tend to try and make all of our conversations into some lame Hallmark commercial?"

He looked away as I laughed quietly. "Hey, Edward?"

"Yeah?"

I grinned. "Hi."

And then, I finally got to see him smile again.

But then, when I tried again the next day, it was like the universe hated me. Okay, maybe not the universe. Edward certainly seemed to give that incentive though. What worried me was the fact that his constant substance abuse and ever-changing attitude were beginning to become less and less related. Just because he was high didn't mean he was incapable of thinking clearly. And just because he wasn't, didn't mean he was _capable_ of thinking clearly. Not only was the inconsistency increasing, but so were my opportunities to talk to him. He rarely would ever let me, weed or not, and this bothered me more than it should have. His stubbornness to let me even the slightest bit in.

He could play nice when he wanted to – he could _be_ nice when he wanted to. I just couldn't understand the motives behind his icy cold behavior. I had seen glimpses, enough to remorse in what a waste what he was doing was. He was brilliant, he was beautiful. But he was also miserable. And all I needed to do was remove the misery from the equation. But math was neither simple nor my strong suit. But I wasn't going to give up. I _couldn't_ give up.

So I stayed persistent. I hid my frustrations, I kept true to my patient facade. Truth be told, I was scared as hell most of the time but I couldn't let him see that I was weak. That's what he wanted. Because then he would win. And I didn't want to give Edward Cullen the satisfaction of winning something so wrong.

And out of nowhere, like it always seemed to happen, Edward gave me more than I asked for. I was in the library during my open, studying for an upcoming world history test as I listened to the soft thudding, courtesy of the light rainfall contacting the already dampened roof. Focusing intently on the intricate details of the Revolutionary War, the very nearby sound of a chair sliding out momentarily distracted me. I glanced up from my papers and gasped.

"Look," he started speaking in a hasty tone before he was even completely seated. He glanced warily around the mostly vacant room before he steadily met my gaze. "I don't know what the hell it is about you that ma–. . .I just. . ." He suddenly seemed impatient with his own discomfort, erasing all signs of it as the uncertainty that was in his expression before vanished. "I'm not good with the whole 'sharing feelings' shit," he admitted tersely. "But the fact that you want me to. . ." He ran a hand through his hair, keeping it there. "That one time at your house. It was beyond difficult for me. But God, you seem like you care – which is fucking stupid – but talking to you. . .I don't know," His voice lowered, becoming almost inaudible as I wondered whether I really heard the next words out of his mouth correctly. "It helps. I think."

I couldn't have responded even if I wanted to. The fact that may have actually been doing him some good had be higher than whatever he was currently on.

Come to think of it, I wondered whether I really heard _any_ of the words out of his mouth correctly. I opened my mouth, unsure of what exactly I was going to say, but he stopped. "Don't talk, okay?" The tension in his features only appeared to increase as his hands relentlessly tugged at his hair. "Don't smile either. This _shouldn't_ make you happy." I barely noticed the small piece of paper he had slid to me across the table, to entranced by a rich emerald, hidden by a poisonous red. "But in case you actually do wanna put up with my shit – then here."

As quickly as he had sat down, he stood up to leave. In a daze, completely taken off guard by what had just happened, I realized that I needed to say something. "Edward–" But he was already gone. I glanced down at the piece of paper he had slid in front of me.

_ecullenator17(at)yahoo(dot)com_

Edward's stuttering string of words suddenly made an overwhelming amount of sense. He wanted someone to talk to. He wanted to talk to _me_. But he wasn't able to handle doing it in person. Yet. I was mad at myself for not thinking of that idea sooner. Of course he'd feel more comfortable hidden behind a computer screen. For now, it as all I could ask for and more. And knowing Edward, it was all he could give me.

Maybe he _had_ taken notice to my life raft after all.

Smiling to myself throughout the rest of the day for more reasons than one, Alice voiced her concerns for my sudden mood change at lunch, earning the agreement and dismissal from a very impassive Rosalie. "Al, she's smiling. So the hell what? I smile. You smile. Hell, if you're going to read into everyone's facial expression that much than I'm beginning to wonder exactly how much of your precious Prada perfume you accidentally inhaled this morning."

There would be a special place in heaven for Rosalie some day. Without so much as a frown, Alice went back to chatting animatedly with me about the best old TV sitcoms. Even though in theory, I had nothing to hide, Alice was becoming far too obtuse lately. I had to start being more careful with how I acted around her, I guess. _Not that I had anything to hide_, I reminded myself feverishly.

I was disappointed when he didn't show up for Bio, but certainly not surprised. He usually always tended to disappear after leaving any form of cryptic behavior for me to ponder on while his whereabouts remained a mystery to everyone. But I dealt with it regardless of the scrutiny from them all, too happy to care because he'd finally given me something.

The whole drive home I contemplated whether or not I should send him an email. By his vagueness and incoherently formed sentences in the library, I wasn't sure whether he was forcing himself to do it or if he gave me his address because without admitting it in so many words, he really did want to talk to me. I worried that if I did, I'd come across as an annoyance to him. With his ever-changing mood, an annoyance was exactly what I was to him half the time, and just that. But the other half. . .I knew there was something in the other half. And I had to try.

So as soon as I entered my room, I retrieved my laptop from the space on the floor beside my bed, perched myself on my elbows as I laid on my stomach on the softness of my comforter, and logged into my email account. I took a deep breath and held it, realizing that all I had to do was keep it friendly and simple.

**

* * *

**

**To: **ecullenator17(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**From: **bellaswan(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**Date:** 8 November 2009 3:41  
**Subject: **Cullenator?

Was seventeen your basketball number? I like your email address.

* * *

I hit 'send' without pausing to think. Biting my lip, I slammed my laptop shut, not expecting a quick reply from him. Or even a reply at all. Knowing Edward, there were many possible scenarios I could be looking ahead at.

For one, he could have not even remembered he'd given it to me at all, making me look both stupid and proving to him that my actions were borderline stalker-ish. After all, he had been high at the time.

That or he'd read what I had written and be unjustifiably angry with the world and me like he always seemed to be, and once again, I would be regrettably setting myself up for the usual humiliation that always followed after his confusing spurts of fury.

Or he could just read it and. . .be content. Which was such a long shot that I actually laughed out loud at how slim of a possibility it was that that would actually happen.

Suddenly, I began very much regretting my haste decision to just send the damn thing. What if he hadn't wanted it to be a casual thing? What if he had wanted to send one and talk to me on his own terms? As I quickly opened my laptop back up, I worried that I had just destroyed the only means of communication towards him that he was allowing me. Opening my email back up to see if there was any possibility that the message was still in my outbox and hadn't been sent yet, my heart stopped completely when the sound of wind chimes alerted me of a new email. I gulped loudly, twice. It was from Edward.

His reply sat in my inbox like a ticking bomb. I took a deep breath, clicking on it.

* * *

**To: **bellaswan(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**From: **ecullenator17(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**Date: **8 November 2009 3:45  
**Subject: **Don't Hate

Sorry I couldn't be as clever as something like "bellaswan." It was Seth's idea. I'm on babysitting detail and he says hi, by the way. How did you know I played basketball?

* * *

I found an unusually large smile occupying my lips as I reread his response once again. There were no traces of either anger or irritation in his words. Realizing it could have been so much worse, I typed my reply with a little too much enthusiasm.

* * *

**To:** ecullenator17(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**From:** bellaswan(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**Date:** 8 November 2009 3:48  
**Subject:** Give Him A Hug For Me

I'm not a stalker, I swear. Alice subjected me to yearbook gossip.

* * *

I pressed 'send' and waited.

I would never understand Edward. I was beginning to accept that. I would need to learn how to keep up with him though, I realized, in order to at least uncover and become familiar with even a small part of his personality. I wanted to understand as much as I could. To understand how it was possible for him to be so constantly erratic when it came to his frustrating mood swings. He was cracking jokes about having a family with me one moment, and the next he was cutting himself at a party. He was taking on the responsibility of taking care of Seth one moment, and the next he was lighting up in his room until he could no longer see straight.

It just didn't make any sense.

Which was exactly why I needed to figure it out.

The wind chimes pulled me from my excessive thinking once again, alerting me of his response. I eagerly opened it up.

* * *

**To: **bellaswan(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**From: **ecullenator17(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**Date: **8 November 2009 3:52  
**Subject: **Stalker

Right. I'm sure that was it.

* * *

**To: **ecullenator17(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**From: **bellaswan(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**Date: **8 November 2009 3:54  
**Subject: **RE: Stalker

Ha ha. Hey, shouldn't you be investing your time by doing something better than harassing me? You missed a good one in Biology today. Since you weren't there, Mrs. Snow didn't have to scold me for _my_ sailor's mouth. (:

* * *

**To: **bellaswan(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**From: **ecullenator17(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**Date: **8 November 2009 3:58  
**Subject: **Potty Mouth

Sounds like you're scolding me for my attendance. How very Bella of you. Ditching's healthy every now and then. Didn't you know that?

* * *

**To: **ecullenator17(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**From: **bellaswan(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**Date: **8 November 2009 4:03  
**Subject: **I'm Rolling My Eyes Right Now

If ditching's so healthy, you've got to be the healthiest person I know.

* * *

**To: **bellaswan(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**From: **ecullenator17(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**Date: **8 November 2009 4:08  
**Subject: **Of Course You Are

Damn right. Maybe if you would have taken a day or two off, your pneumonia wouldn't have been an issue. Maybe you should try it sometime.

* * *

I had to have been dreaming. Or hallucinating up these emails. Or _something_. I refused to believe that talking to him was simply this easy. It was impossible. But when I pinched myself, the pain indicated that I wasn't, in fact, dreaming. Hallucinations were out as well since I was more than fine at the moment. Which meant. . .

Edward _was_ the source behind the continuous responses that made me smile. A part of me – a part that I tried to ignore – told me to be worried about the fall I was setting myself up for by reading too much into all of this. But at the moment, I think I was just too happy to even care.

Maybe this would be easier than I thought. A surge of hope swelled in me as I reread our recent conversation. No signs of anything anger or distress. But then again, it was more than easy to be deceptive when faces weren't required to be shown. Hell, he could have been smoking a joint as he typed and I would have never known. After all, it was a hell of a lot easier to bare your soul and not show how weak you are when you're hidden behind a screen.

But I had to take what he was giving me, because for once, it was something. It was another puzzle piece, only this time, it was a piece that was _Edward_ and not the sky.

* * *

**To: **ecullenator17(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**From: **bellaswan(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**Date: **8 November 2009 4:12  
**Subject: **Your Fault

I believe the pneumonia was your fault, if I remember correctly. And before you get all huffy with me, I never said I minded the reason catching it.

What was that, Cullenator? Are you implying that I should skip school? We can't all have just naturally brilliant minds. Another thing we don't share in common – While you skipping a whole week would result in your grade average remaining well above average, I have a feeling mine wouldn't fair so well.

Stop corrupting me. You told me you wouldn't, remember?

* * *

Only after sending the email did I realize that it may have been crossing a line. I bit my lip, eagerly awaiting his response.

* * *

**To: **bellaswan(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**From: **ecullenator17(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**Date: **8 November 2009 4:16  
**Subject: **Brilliant Mind My Ass

Corrupt you? Why Miss Swan, I wouldn't dare.

* * *

At the sound of my dad's police cruiser pulling into the driveway, I quickly typed Edward back a response before heading downstairs. I cursed silently to myself, forgetting that he was coming home early today. His meal was supposed to be already done and waiting for him by the time he arrived home, and I had failed to even start it yet. Since he would have to leave later that night, I was going to make him an early dinner – something I rarely had the opportunity to do with his busy schedule – before he had to leave again.

I wanted to make sure I got my point across to Edward that this was more than okay with me. That I _liked_ talking to him when he didn't yell at me. I may have liked it a little too much, come to think of it. But in person, either of us being at ease with each other was such a rare occurrence that I needed to be more thank grateful for the opportunity he was giving me, even though it may not have been much.

* * *

**To: **ecullenator17(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**From: **bellaswan(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**Date: **8 November 2009 4:20  
**Subject: **RE: Brilliant Mind My Ass

My dad's home. I gotta go make dinner.

* * *

And I think it's safe to say that you're healthy enough, don't you think? See you in Bio tomorrow? I don't always like working by myself. The help of a _brilliant mind_ is nice sometimes, even when you _are_ being an _ass_.

I received his reply seconds before turning off my laptop.

* * *

**To: **bellaswan(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**From: **ecullenator17(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**Date: **8 November 2009 4:22  
**Subject: **An Ass?

I'm not denying anything, but I am rolling my eyes right now.

See you tomorrow, Bella.

* * *

But I didn't seem him in Bio the next day.

I didn't receive anymore emails that weekend, either.

* * *

_That's when she said,  
I don't hate you boy,  
I just want to save you while there's still something left so save.  
That's when I told her I love you girl,  
but I'm not the answer to the questions that you still have.  
_- Savior, Rise Against

**See? He's starting to see the light. Kinda. But still. Progress, eh babes?**

**I'll post Chapter 13 Saturday morning with the promise of some serious E/B interactions. Like for real. Anyways.**

**Liked the emails? Liked Edward's address? Well why don't ya do me a favor and drop _me_ an email by reviewing. 'Cause I'd really love that. (:**


	13. A Different Side

**A/N: So school just started for me. Translation? Life's been hectic. Translation? I'm a little behind on review replies. But I'll do that right after I post this. I just figured you'd rather have this _then_ an email from me, ya know? Well anyways, I'm humbled by all the response this story is getting. I'm SO glad you all are enjoying it and that you haven't given up on me/Edward yet. I promise, I won't let you down. (:**

**To answer a popular question some of you had from last chapter: _What does the 'ator' in "ecullenator17" stand for? _WELL, it's just a silly, fun little video game-ish term. You know Terminator? Yeah. Hence, _cullenator_.**

**Mary Beth, much love as always for being a rockstar and beta-ing the story. You are fabulous, bbs. Just fabulous. (:**

* * *

In the next week, I started to notice things. Obvious things that I hadn't before. But that's maybe because I hadn't really been looking. I had only been seeing what he wanted me to see – his dysfunctionally angry facade. But once I did start looking, I was overwhelmed by what I saw.

Edward would make an incredibly lousy poker player. He had too many tells, too many revelations of his inner turmoil. He rubbed his eyes when he was frustrated, he pinched the bridge of his nose when he was close to losing his temper, and he raked his hair and occasionally pulled at it when he was distressed or afraid.

As I watched him tug at his hair, I wondered what he was afraid of.

"Are you okay?" I tilted my head to the side, pursing my lips as I inspected him further. His red eyes looked more sore than usual today, and his hair that he was currently pulling at was sticking out in more directions than it usually did.

His gaze remained blank and unfocused as he stared at our underfunded lab table, a few locks of his hair falling over his eyes, completing the overall misery of his look. "Yeah."

I adapted to the fifty shades Edward seemed to consist of. When he was angry, I would be as patient as I could and do my best to tolerate his douchebag behavior. The same concept applied when he was in irritation mode. When he was happy, as rare as it may be, it was like cloud nine. I tended to become more attached than I should have on days like those. When he was sad, I did everything in my power to shake him, which honestly wasn't much. Because Edward's sad side, as unpredictable as all of his sides were, was what scared me the most.

"When was the last time you slept?" I asked quietly. He responded to the concern in my voice by granting me the permission of eye contact. He didn't look at me like he was mad, or irritated, or even upset. He looked at me like he was tired. Like by me bringing up the subject of sleep, I had only made matters a lot worse for him in some way.

He looked away again, going back to averting his gaze to the black table top. When he spoke, I could barely hear his voice it was so soft. "Does it really matter?" His expression, his posture – everything about him gave me the undying urge to reach out and comfort him in someway. To stroke my fingers through his hair, to rub away the stress lines on his face, to wrap my arms around him. But I knew that would be impossible.

"In the last couple of days?" I hedged. When he furrowed his eyebrows together in obvious discomfort, I began to really worry that sleep wasn't something Edward really did. He didn't answer. He didn't have to.

What was he _doing_ to himself?

I shut my eyes momentarily, struggling with my conflicting emotions to find an incredibly calm way to get my point across. He absolutely hated it when people told him what to do – I had learned that over and over before finally realizing that I was doing more harm than good. I let out a deep sigh. "You're really tired, aren't you?" His somber gaze never moved as he slowly nodded his head once. "So why don't you get some sleep?" I suggested carefully.

"I don't want to get sleep." Like before, his voice was easy to miss by its quietness. His tone wasn't cold or bitter, it just sounded so entirely dejected; defeated. And I didn't miss the soft finality either.

-oOo-

I woke up early Saturday morning and packed an overnight bag before saying goodbye to Charlie and making my departure. Earlier that week after I had gone over to the Cullen's after school, Esme had very persistently requested that I watch Seth for the Weekend. Carlisle was in California on a short business trip, and the baseball championship which our team miraculously made it to was this weekend. Alice was going to support both Jasper and Emmett with Esme, and she was worried about the long car ride, shifty practice round schedules, and the large crowds being too overwhelming for Seth.

Needless to say, I was more than happy to agree.

I had been about to ask Alice why Edward wasn't capable of the task before I realized what a blatantly obvious answer _that_ was. Even though he was legally responsible to handle his brother, and that on his good days he would be more than able to do so, I knew they were worried about his prominent inconsistency. He was a walking time bomb, and let's be honest, unstable more often than not. Not to mention how flighty he was. Chances were, I wouldn't be seeing him much at the house at all, even though a strong part of me wanted to.

Charlie was more than familiar with the Cullen's. He knew about the accident, about why Doctor and Mrs. Cullen had moved to Forks last spring – I'm sure he had also known Elizabeth and Edward before they died as well. He loved Alice, praised Emmett's athletic abilities, and never once mentioned Edward's name. Which was probably a good thing. Even though Edward would be coming and going a majority of the weekend, there was still the large possibility that him and I would be sleeping under the same roof that night. So I didn't exactly mention that to Charlie, and he was content in letting me go.

I had also sent Edward an email before I went to bed last, vaguely letting him know what the deal was. His response?

* * *

**To: **bellaswan(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**From: **ecullenator17(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**Date: **16 November 2009 10:21 PM  
**Subject: **Stalker Girl

Staying at my place for the weekend? And you said you didn't stalk me.

* * *

The whole email thing hadn't exactly been working like I originally thought it would. Edward's head must have been pretty clouded the day he gave me his address, because I don't think he himself remembered the initial reason for even doing it. To be honest though, I wasn't exactly sure what I was expecting him to send me. A five page message about his life story? Unlikely.

I mean, don't get me wrong – it was nice to be able to even talk to him at all, especially the friendly banter that seemed to consist rather frequently. I took what I could get and appreciated it with a smile any time he would even bother sending me one in the first place. Because more often than not, he didn't, and I was always too afraid I was going to live up to that _stalker_ girl he was always teasing me about to send him any that didn't have relevance.

So far, our conversations had been surprisingly simple. We talked about school. He complained about certain girls (that always made me grin wider than Christmas morning as a kid). I confided in him about my hatred for shopping, something I couldn't ever dare proclaim to Alice and something he was more than sympathetic about. He would ask me about Phoenix and I would try not to bore him with my replies. I was exceptionally careful when it came to asking him any questions that were appropriate in his eyes, and I think he was actually beginning to genuinely appreciate my cyber company.

Of course, I could have just been flattering myself into thinking we were actually beginning to form the semi-start of a twisted friendship. Life was cruel that way.

I pulled my truck into an empty spot in their driveway. Esme gave me the typical babysitting instructions, minus the showing me around part since I was already very familiar with their house. She told me Seth's bedtime, how long he could watch TV, what his favorite movies were, some things he liked to do, and what his favorite meals were. I wished Emmett good luck and hugged Alice before they left, promising Esme that I would take good care of him while they were gone. She told me Carlisle would be home late morning the next day and with that, the three of them left.

Since it was so early, Seth was still sound asleep and would be for the next few hours. I made myself comfortable on their expensive leather couch, yawning as I pulled out the remaining Trig problems I had left. I was staring at problems one moment, trying to figure out to stretch my cosine curve.

"Boo!"

My blood-curling scream was cut short by an uproar of familiar laughing. Well, not familiar because I had never heard him laugh like _that_, but familiar in the sense that I knew exactly who the musical sound belonged to. Chuckling would have been putting it lightly. _Laughing_ would have been putting it lightly. Edward was freaking bent over, clutching his hands to his stomach in hysteria.

"You're an ass," I muttered, composing myself and relaxing out of my rigid position. I hadn't overreacted. Not in the slightest. Because I was correct in my accusations of him being an ass, and it wasn't my fault that I jumped to the conclusion that my life would be ended in that moment by an ax murderer who had broken in.

When he finally was quiet again, he grabbed the keys to his Volvo off the kitchen counter and walked over to the front door. "Where are you going?" The question was out of my mouth before I could stop it. _Yeah_._ So much for 'not caring', Bella_.

He opened the door, not bothering to look back. "Nowhere, _mom_." And with that, he exited through the door, slamming it shut behind before the soft hum of the Volvo's engine roared to life. His departure cued for Seth's appearance.

"Bella?" Sleep was very evident in his eyes and hair and I smiled in response to the bashfulness in his eyes.

"Good morning, Sleepy Head," I greeted him, setting my work down on the coffee table. He rubbed his hands over his eyes, yawning as he walked over to the chair across from me and comfortably sat down. "Do you want me to make pancakes for breakfast? Esme said they're your favorite."

His face lit up like a Christmas tree and his head bobbed enthusiastically in response. It took so little to make some people happy. _But a hell of a lot to make others_. . .

God, why was the task of keeping Edward from my thoughts always so difficult?

I got up, gesturing with my hand for him to follow me into the kitchen. Seth was different than normal autistic kids. Usually, especially with the younger ones, autistic kids often shied away from any form of physical contact and were terrified of mostly all people. He wasn't really like that. They were also always in their own little world, and while that was the case with Seth, he still seemed to be an exception. I wondered why that was. I guess the bond he had formed with his family was strong enough to penetrate through the fear. I would imagine after losing his parents at such a young age, he needed to somehow be brave enough so that he had _someone_.

As I helped him up onto one of the stools at the counter, smiling to myself at the Pokemon pajamas he wore, I realized how much I envied him. I was beyond jealous of the fact that this little boy didn't have a care in the world. It must have been nice – playing all of the time, believing a hundred percent that anything was possible, and being able to confuse reality with the wonders of imagination. I sighed. If only life were still that simple.

"Belly Button?" he asked, swiveling from side to side on the stool as he gnawed on his fingers.

I grinned, digging around in the cupboards to find the makings of pancake batter. "Yes, Sir Seth?"

When he didn't answer right away, I turned around to find him now swaying back and forth with a wide smile on his face that didn't reveal his teeth. He giggled when I raised an eyebrow at him and put my hands on my hips. "Edward used to make me Mickey Mouse pancakes. Can you make me Mickey Mouse pancakes?" I was caught off guard at the mention of his older brother.

"Edward?" I asked dumbly.

He bobbed his head up and down. "Yep. He made him and we would eat lots and lots and lots."

My heart clenched. Another sweet gesture that was long gone. These were exactly the kind of things I had been wanting to know, wanting to uncover so that I had even the slightest bit more of an idea what I was dealing with. _Who_ I was dealing with. I wanted to pursue the conversation, but then I remembered who I was having with. I forced a smile across my lips. "Of course I'll make you some, buddy."

And I did. Some for me, a lot for Seth (Who knew the kid had such a high metabolism?), and then a couple of Edward. It was ridiculous to think that he would actually appreciate them, or even _notice_ them, but I placed them in the fridge on a plate covered in saran wrap with a messy _Edward_ written across the shiny plastic.

-oOo-

Watching Seth was easy. It didn't take much to entertain him and he was more than capable of being able to keep himself occupied. At one pointed, littler Mr. Independence even suggested that _I_ catch up on my school work while _he_ colored. I'm sure I was past being in love.

We watched _Finding Nemo _(his favorite movie), played Candyland for two hours, he colored for an immeasurable amount of time, and to top it off, we had a picnic out in the backyard for dinner which consisted of macaroni and cheese and a variety of Little Debby's snacks. Because there was nothing better than processed noodles, powdered cheese in a paper bag, and heart-stopping sugar snacks.

After that, I let him watch TV for an hour, winding him down from our eventful day so that he wouldn't have problems when eight o'clock rolled around. I would have been the good guy and let him stay up later because let's be honest, eight was ridiculous, but I didn't think he could handle it. And I was right. At seven-thirty he announced that he was tired, and I suggested that he turned in early. He agreed without any complaint.

Seth had fallen asleep no more than minutes after I began reading a chapter of Harry Potter out loud to him. I smiled at his peaceful face, setting the book down on his nightstand before standing up. I walked over to the window to close his blinds. The sun was just setting and the sky was alight with pastel shades of pink, yellow, and orange. In Forks, sunsets were rarities since it was always so rainy all of the time.

A thudding noise caught my attention, and I glanced down at the partial view I had of the driveway and caught a glimpse of Edward dribbling a basketball. I hadn't seen him since he left this morning, and hadn't noticed his return. The ear to ear grin I was unable to pry off my face felt so refreshing as I watched him leap into the air and slam the ball into the basket. I quietly exited Seth's room and descended down the stairs. It was the old Edward out there shooting hoops, and I refused to miss the opportunity to get acquainted with him. I had waited _so _long.

I quickly slid on my beat-up converse and went out through the garage door. He remained oblivious to my presence as I lowered myself down on the cement, bringing my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around my legs. It was colder than I anticipated, but I let the coolness of the air caress my cheeks. My eyes fell shut momentarily as I took in a lungful of the serene November evening. The sound of the ball meeting the ground stopped for a moment, and I opened my eyes just in time to catch the sweatshirt he had thrown in my direction.

I was met by a pair of bright green eyes that seemed to glow in response to the painted sky. They were so piercing that I bet Crayola didn't even have a name for the particular color I was now entranced with.

He was smirking at me, causing my attention to be directed back at his sweatshirt my hands now clung on tightly to. "Put it on," he instructed casually as he began dribbling the ball once again. When all I could do was stare at him, he rolled his eyes. "No seriously. I don't wanna be the account of your pneumonia again."

I grimaced before smiling in response to his statement. As I pulled his hoodie over my head, I was overwhelmed by the scent of _him_. I basked in it. Because it wasn't any kind of smoke or drug that had Edward's sweatshirt so delectably favorable to inhale. It was all Edward. And that made me smile wider than any sunset ever would have. Once I had it on, I inspected myself with a frown. It was huge on me. I had to shove up the sleeves until my hands appeared and it hung well below my waist. I realized that this was Edward's old basketball hoodie, and that the name _Cullen_ was now plastered across my back. The butterflies I got in my stomach at that knowledge confused me.

When I glanced up at Edward again, he was still staring at me. "_Adorable_," he commended with another smirk. "Almost as cute as your little ducky slippers."

"Shut up," I muttered, embarrassed. The truth was though, embarrassed was probably the farthest emotion I was from. I was ecstatic. As Edward turned away from me, I was sure the crooked smile that spread across his lips would have put cloud nine to shame any day. This was Edward. The one I had been trying to find for so long.

As I watched him shoot another basket, I grew momentarily depressed. He wasn't going to be like this for long, and I knew it wasn't healthy for me to get so excited over it. Tomorrow he'd be yelling at me again and taking hits while he locked himself up in his room. That was the reality of it all. To think otherwise was just plain useless. I sighed, too quiet for him to hear as I lowered my gaze to the cement.

I shrieked loudly when his ball bounced right in front of me and I had to quickly deflect its bounce by flailing my arms in front of me. It was all very graceful, really. "What was that for?" I asked breathlessly. "That's _twice_ now."

The ball rolled back to his feet and he bent over to pick it up before shrugging. "You looked sad," he quirked an eyebrow in obvious curiosity as the dribbling began again. "Can I ask why?"

The fair thing would have been for me to be honest with him and tell him. I mean, he had already shared so much with me, more than I was sure he ever wanted to. But I couldn't do that, because I didn't want to ruin the already limited time I had with him like this. I hid my grimace before shaking my head dismissively. "I wasn't sad."

He tossed the ball at me again, only this time I was ready. "Stop it!" I whined. When I attempted to throw it back at him, it managed to go so far left that it rolled into the neighbor's lawn. I defended myself as he jogged after it, laughing. "Coordination. . .it's not my thing."

I watched as he picked up the ball, only to launch it from a half court's distance away, managing to make it directly into the basket without it even brushing the rim. My jaw dropped. Alice hadn't been lying. I also hadn't missed the way Edward's shirt slid up when he had thrown the ball, revealing an incredibly delicious V accompanied by an unexpected set of washboard abs. I quickly looked away before he could catch my obvious staring, distracting him if he did by clapping my hands together in applause.

He rolled his eyes before throwing the ball at me again. This time, by some miracle, I caught it. I hastily stuck my tongue out at him at his mock applause before throwing it back at him, this time managing to get it within a ten foot radius of him. Again, he clapped. His eyes now lit up with a playful edge as he continued to tease me.

"One on one," he suddenly challenged. Walking over to stand in front of me before extending a hand, I stared at him in bewilderment to just exactly what he was asking of me. Basketball + Me = Disaster. He had to have known that from my earlier assessments and perfectly horrible demonstrations. He sensed my defiance, and out came that same crooked smile that did funny things to my heart rate. It was impossible to deny him of anything at that moment. In that moment, I would have done just about anything he wanted me to.

"Fine," I accepted snidely, "but if I break something you're responsible for calling the ambulance."

"What's the number again?" He retorted, teasing. Emphasizing the hand that remained suspended in the air, I cautiously took it as he effortlessly pulled me to my feet. It had been impossible not to notice the almost electric-like current that had passed between our touching skin. He let go immediately after I was standing and I gasped quietly at the tingling I now felt in my hand. What on earth was he doing to me?

He bounced me the ball with a taunting smile. "Alright, Swany. Let's see what you've got."

I dribbled the ball hesitantly a few times before throwing it at the hoop. It didn't even manage to hit either the rim or the backboard. Edward laughed at me while I shot him a dirty look. I had to poke my hands out of his sleeves again as he retrieved the ball. When it was his turn to start with the ball, I stood in front of him, completely intimidated by the way his six-foot-plus frame toward over my barely five.

I jumped up to stop the ball from its flight, but it easily missed my hands. By about two feet. "This _so_ isn't fair," I huffed, crossing my arms. He ignored my complaining, tossing me the ball with a smug look on his face.

He stood in front of me with his hands up and a cocky grin on his face. I tried running to the side so that I could have a clear shot but he was always there. I quickly retreated back a couple of steps and threw it before he could jump to stop it. It hit the rim this time, but didn't go in. When it was his turn to start with the ball, he weaved the ball through his legs, easily maneuvering around me when I tried to grab the ball from him. The dramatic slam dunk that he proceeded with was completely unnecessary. His playful smirk never once faltered as he tossed me the ball again, and I suddenly wondered how any of this was possible. This was the most relaxed, carefree that I had ever saw him. "Bella," he taunted as I pursed my lips in concentration. "_Bella_. Bella, Bella, _Bella_. Don't miss." He shifted his weight back and forth from his left leg to his right leg. "_Don't miss_."

I suddenly darted around him, clutching the ball to my chest as I neared the hoop. "Traveling!" he declared loudly, trying to snatch the ball from me while I kept it tightly against my stomach. "No fucking way, Little Miss Cheater."

And then, his arms were around me.

He overlapped his own with where mine currently were as he pulled my back snuggly against his chest. At first confused by his embrace, it all suddenly made sense as he lifted me up and spun me around while chanting, "_Cheater, cheater_. . ." into my ear. I laughed loudly, squealing in demands for him to put me down when really, the last thing I wanted was to leave the comfort of his strong arms.

It was over seconds after it started, much to my dismay, and he set my feet back on the cement before successfully taking the ball away from my jell-o like arms. My jell-o like _body_. I sank to the ground, unable to hide my disbelief for what had just happened as I laughed breathlessly, shaking my head. "You win," I announced.

With a smug look on his face and one last victory basket, he sank down to the ground next to me.

I couldn't wrap my head around my own thoughts. Around the moment. His eyes were so _green_. His arms around me had felt so _right_. Being with him like this was so _effortless_. As the beauty of the sunset seemed to warm my whole face, I unconsciously snuggled myself further into his sweatshirt.

And then, reality came crashing down onto me, destroying the nonexistent perfection of the moment as the depths of his green eyes met mine, reminding me of something that was unavoidable and still very present.

I sighed when he quickly averted his gaze elsewhere. "You're really good, aren't you?" A thoughtful look crossed his face as he traced the black lines on the ball in his lap, not responding. "Then why'd you stop? Alice said you could have gotten a scholarship to anywhere in the world."

He simply shrugged as if my words meant nothing to him. I knew better. "Things changed," he dismissed.

"Of course they did," I mumbled, resting my chin on my knees as I drew them to my stomach, hugging them tightly to my chest as my arms wrapped around them.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him sharply whip his head to angle in my direction while I felt his presumably angry gaze on me. I refrained from looking, knowing it'd hurt to see. Knowing that he was already gone, just like that. "I think things would fucking change for you too if you woke up from a coma and were told both your parents had been killed."

He wasn't playing fair, but his guilt trip to get me off his back was most certainly working. "Edward, you know I didn't mean it like that," I stuttered, pleading for him to drop his angry eyes as I met them once again. _Please don't do this_, I begged him with my eyes. When he didn't respond and his gaze only grew colder, I spoke again, my voice shaky. "I'm not implying anything, and I'm definitely not trying to make you upset. I just am trying to figure out why you gave up everything when you had _so _much."

He chuckled darkly, all traces of humor in his bleak eyes gone. "So much?" He echoed my words bitterly, his eyes turning cold as they stared into mine. But then he dropped his gaze, and his mumbling became nearly inaudible. I could only make out occasional phrases. ". . .always fucking trying to figure things out. . .doesn't know anything. . .god damn aspirin. . ." He rubbed his hand over his tired eyes before running it through his hair.

I couldn't do this right now. Not while I still had the memory of the old Edward in my head. It would shatter me if I allowed myself to be subjected to the now Edward. I abruptly stood up, and before I turned to escape, looked down at him, wanting nothing more than to brush back the stray locks of hair that had fallen over his face. I considered returning his sweatshirt right then, but decided that would be too much of an unbearable loss for me to handle at the moment. Before I left, he glanced up at me through a blank expression.

I was not going to cry. My eyes fell shut and I inhaled a weak breath. "You asked me why I was sad before? That's why."

* * *

_Not ready to let go,  
'Cause then I'd never know.  
What I could be missing.  
But I'm missing way too much.  
So when do I give up what I've been wishing for?_

_I shot for the sky,_  
_I'm stuck on the ground._  
_So why do I try? I know I'm gonna fall down._  
_I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?_  
_Never know why it's coming down, down, down.  
_- Down, Jason Walker

**Aww, there he was. There was old Edward. See - I do have a heart. Kinda. (;**

**I'm thinkin' chapter 14 will be up either Thursday or Friday. Depends on the craziness that is my life, I s'pose.**

**Be your fabulous, amazing selves and drop me some love? I'd _love_ that. (:**


	14. Harmonize

**A/N: I see no point in having a long author's note this chapter other than letting you all know how much I truly appreciate the response and feedback MaB has been getting. There are no words.**

**MB, you're a rockstar. How 'bout we all give her a pat on the back for being the beta-extrordinaire that she is.**

* * *

I slept in Alice's bed that night, curling up in Edward's hoodie by means of comfort as I tossed and turned a majority of the night. It was unsettling; knowing that Edward was only a few doors down. It was beyond unsettling knowing that he was most likely awake as well.

Every time I closed my eyes, our basketball game replayed in my head. The way he had seemed so at ease while he effortlessly dribbled the ball, the musical sound of his laughter, completely distress free as he tossed the ball at me, how carefree he had been, how _normal_ he had seemed. The feeling I had gotten in response to his arms around me – how wrong I knew it was for me to even consider thinking that it had actually meant something at the time. If the circumstances were different, maybe it would have.

As if I needed anything else to keep me up at night.

Once I did finally manage to achieve sleep, it was far from peaceful and I found myself waking up more than frequently. At one point I had checked on Seth, walking right past Edward's door in the process. A part of me wanted to open it up, to see if I would find him in there just as wide awake as me, but I couldn't. I couldn't cross that kind of line, not knowing what the consequences would be for either of us.

I woke up a six to the sound of the garage door opening. Since Carlisle wasn't supposed to be home for another hour, I walked over to the window to see who it was. I watched in concern as Edward's shiny Volvo peeled out of the driveway and sped away. Where on earth did he have to go this early on a Sunday morning? My heart sank at all of the possibilities. I saw none of which had positive outcomes.

Deciding not to go back to sleep, I sauntered down to the kitchen, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes as I retrieved the contents to make myself a bowl of cereal. When I opened the refrigerator to grab the carton of milk, I noticed that Edward's plate of Mickey pancakes were gone. Unsure of whether to believe that he had actually eaten them or if Seth secretly had, I pushed back my accomplished smile and fell back into my state of glumness. I mean, it didn't matter if he had found them or not anyways. They were stupid pancakes for crying out loud! The fact that I was reading into everything so much was very frustrating when in reality, none of it even mattered to him.

I finished my breakfast and wrote some more of my English essay as Seth remained sound asleep upstairs. Just as he promised, Carlisle arrived at the house at seven o'clock sharp. Alice and the rest of the baseball crew wouldn't be home until later that night because they had wanted to do some sight seeing before they left. She had texted me last night letting me know that our team had won the Championship. I had passed on my congratulations to Emmett and Jasper.

"Bella, you don't know how much we appreciated this," Carlisle thanked me for what seemed like the thousandth time. "Really, you're a lifesaver."

"We had fun," I grinned. "And seriously, if you guys ever need me to watch him again, I love Seth."

Growing up as an only child, I envied Edward for having Seth and Emmett, two of the sweetest guys I think I had ever met. Not only did I envy him though, I hated him for taking his brothers for granted. He had both of them, yet he chose to simply disregard that by living as though he was no longer a part of their world. Even though Edward might have thought they were better off without him, he was hurting them more than he knew by taking himself out of the family. He was the oldest. He had responsibilities that he was choosing to skip. After everything the three of those boys had been through, you'd think he'd be a little more gracious as to what he had.

Yet another aspect of Edward's life that I completely did not understand. I wondered if I'd ever find one that I would.

My truck made a substantial amount of noise as it roared to life, no doubt waking the neighbors in close proximity with its obnoxiously loud engine. I pulled out of the driveway, the sky still faintly dark as the sun was just beginning to make its peak.

The roads were quiet and empty as I drove the usual stretch. Past the grocery store, past Newton's Sporting Goods, past the cemetery. As always, a certain eeriness fell over me as I drove past it. Things like cemeteries scared me; the concept of people being buried had been far more disturbing to me than it should have as a child and I guess that disturbance stuck with me. My eyes were transfixed on the dew that fell over the grassy floor, seemingly glowing in the sun's dim shine. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed something shiny in the near distance. Out of reflex, I slammed on the brakes when I identified the source of the shine. Edward's car.

It wasn't hard to put two and two together. He was visiting his parents.

So he had left his house that early to come here? Did he do this every Sunday morning? Or maybe even _every_ morning? I suddenly felt like I was intruding on a private moment, even though he was nowhere in sight. Due to the noisiness of my truck and the utter silence of the cool morning, he would no doubt have heard my familiar truck. Even though I had a palpable explanation of being there, I still didn't want him to see me when he returned to his car. Cringing as my foot pressed down on the accelerator and my truck groaned in response, I quickly – well, as quickly as my stupid vehicle would go – drove away.

When I got home, Charlie still sound asleep, I found an email from him waiting for me. He had sent it before he'd left this morning. I anxiously opened it up.

* * *

**To: **bellaswan(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**From: **ecullenator17(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**Date: **17 November 2009 5:49 AM  
**Subject: **Thanks

Even though you suck at basketball, you're a fucking fantastic chef. But come on, you got a little sloppy on the ears, don't you think?

* * *

I was grinning so widely that my face hurt. I couldn't help it. I was about to type my response, smiling like crazy, before I realized something. Edward was genuine in his emails, but Edward most certainly was not genuine in person. In person, he could be cold and cruel. In his emails, there was nothing but supposed playfulness it seemed in the words he typed.

We couldn't keep doing this. Every time I'd come close to a break through, or either of us said something that upset the other, we couldn't just ignore it. Last night, after our game, Edward had immediately closed himself off without so much as a second of warning. I know he had no problem with the way his mood shifted so constantly when he was around me, but I certainly did. I needed some sort of an explanation, and it was only fair that he gave me one. I couldn't simply just dismiss the cryptic little things he mumbled under his breath and then pretend that life was peachy when he sent me an email referring to the Disney breakfast I had cooked him.

I sighed. Because it could never be that simple.

* * *

**To: **ecullenator17(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**From: **bellaswan(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**Date: **17 November 2009 7:21 AM  
**Subject: **Oh really?

No more pancakes for you then.

* * *

On Monday, Edward came to English but skipped Biology, so I didn't get a chance to talk to him. Even though we were editing partners, rarely ever were we presented with the opportunity to have a conversation in that class. I hated it when he never showed up for Bio. Mike was also in Biology with us, and whenever Edward didn't show up, Mike made sure that I was not left without company. On the days when Edward actually would come to class, he tended to stay away from me. As amusing as the idea of Mike being afraid of Edward was, I couldn't pinpoint exactly why he avoided Edward until I realized that _everyone_ avoided Edward.

I wondered if Edward was aware of this. Of course he was. He insisted on it, even. But did he really? Complete isolation from everyone who he had grown up with in this tiny town? Realizing the answer to that question was most likely a yes, I grew sadder as the day went on.

On Tuesday he didn't show up at all and when I emailed him after school, he never responded.

Wednesday he showed up to both English and Bio, though once again, my chance at getting a conversation out of him was ruined by the hour-long video on cell structure that took up the whole class. Because of the curtain my hair conveniently provided me with, I had been able to watch him instead of the movie without him noticing. He never sat still the whole hour. It was like he was trying to crawl out of his own skin. Like he couldn't bear what his life presented him with.

I wasn't guessing that was the case. I _knew_ that was the case. And that made me even sadder than yesterday's sadness.

By Thursday, I was growing increasingly depressed. It rained all day, something that automatically put a damper on anyone's level of contentment. Emmett and Jasper had yet to stop raving about the game; they talked about guys from the other team, the bad plays that almost lost them the game, the good plays that won them the game, and all the bogus calls from the umpires. I really didn't mind. It gave me a distraction and having all the focus on them meant it wasn't on me.

Biology was when I _finally_ got the chance to talk to him.

I put on a harmless smile, tilting my head in his direction as he slid into his seat beside me. His hair was its usual messy mop, his eyes were their usual sore red, and his mouth was in its usual, permanent frown. "Hey, Edward." I tried, my voice soft.

I thought for a second I saw a smile tugging at the corner of his lips, but they settled back into their never-changing grim line before I had the chance to see any differently. His gaze remained lowered to his lap for a few moments before he slowly raised his head, his eyes meeting mine. "Hi."

I closed my eyes momentarily and sighed. I was unaware that a voice could sound _that_ broken over a single syllable. When I opened my eyes back up, I found his still focused on mine. "Rough day?" I asked quietly, content with the mutual ground we seemed to be on for once. He wasn't yelling, and neither was I. That seemed to be a rarity with us, sadly. And as much as I wished differently, I didn't see how that could improve anytime soon. Not when he refused to elaborate every once in a while.

It made sense that he didn't though. I didn't owe him anything – he was well aware of that. I guess I just wished for the time he'd finally realize that I held genuine interest in him as a person and not just a "charity case" like he was so fond on insisting.

His shoulders were completely slumped forward, and he was slouched with more exhaustion than usual. His sleepless nights were definitely taking their toll, and by the looks of it, were unforgivable. I studied his miserable appearance further as I waited for an answer I wasn't even sure I'd get. His eyes moved to focus on a space to the left of my head as I watched his fingers constantly fidget around.

I barely heard his voice when he finally spoke. "Doesn't matter."

Well I sure as hell thought it did.

But then the lights were suddenly flipped off, and the continuation of the cell movie prominently ended any further window of conversation with him. I cursed silently in my head – at the stupid movie no one actually watched, at all the emotionless, meaningless faces in the room who had all abandoned him, and wondered how it was humanly possible to ignore something as utterly shattering as Edward had become.

When I glanced at Edward again, he was looking at me. Looking at me with knowing eyes, because my readable face had given away the complexity of questions in my head that I desperately wished had an answer. But as I gazed into the emerald, I realized that he was giving me one. _They gave up, just like me_.

-oOo-

Friday he never showed up, and his absence had me more down than usual. Because lately he had been slipping. His mask was gradually breaking away with him, revealing just that. It was like he didn't even have the energy to put up his "back-the-fuck-off" facade. It was like he didn't have the energy to do anything anymore. . .

Alice opted me over for to spend the night. I could hardly complain about the frequency I was spending at her home. It was a lot better than being alone all the time while Charlie continued to work at a rate that didn't allow me much time to ever see him. I never complained though, because his work was his life. He loved what he did and I could never take that away from him by my greedy craving for company. Besides, it's not like he had an overwhelming amount of things to discuss anyways. According to him, during the chances I actually _did_ have to talk to him, I was the perfect daughter. Everything from all of my college applications I was sending out to the dinner I cooked on the nights he was home had him convinced that it was absolutely ridiculous that a gold halo wasn't suspended angelically above my head.

As it turns out, Alice was more exhausted from the busy week than she was willing to admit, but I eventually convinced her that calling it an early night wouldn't be the end of the world. And while she crashed approximately seconds after her head hit the pillow, I remained painfully wide awake.

It started out with seconds ticking by, then it became minutes, then it become _hours_.

It had to have been well past two in the morning. I had been lying there, hopelessly deprived of sleep for the last four hours while Alice slept peacefully besides me. I studied her serene face with sudden envy at how easily she could just leave reality when I was stuck here having to face it.

Every time I would close my eyes, _he_ was there. His damn disarry of unusual colored hair, the sharp structure of his perfect jaw line, and his eyes. His stupid, beautiful, deep green eyes that might have just possibly been able to move mountains if they wanted to. I was so frustrated with his constant presence in my thoughts, a place where he had absolutely no right to be. It was always _him_. Even in my sleep, it was him. I was completely unsure as to why my mind seemed to have such an obsessive fascination over him when I could hardly stand him as a person. He had his occasional flickers of swoon-worthy moments but that certainly didn't change or make up for all the other less than desirable things he had either said or done to me.

But in a way, those moments did. Because he didn't deserve my bitter grudge holding either. He already had it from everyone else. From his family for not being able to move on, from all the memories and reminders that were shoved in his face daily, and from me. I didn't want that. I didn't want him to think of me like he did everyone else. I wanted to be different to him. I wanted to be that personal he finally decided to open up to.

I sighed. This was getting me absolutely nowhere.

I desperately needed to clear my mind and knew of only one way I could do it successfully. I glanced at the clock once again, deciding that everyone in the house was well asleep enough for me to leave the confines of Alice's dimly lit bedroom.

Careful not to disturb her, I cautiously crawled out of her large bed and tip-toed quietly across the length of her room to the door. I shut it behind me with a soft _click_ and found my way through the dark as I descended down their long staircase.

My mind sorted through all the stored conversations of importance I had had with Alice until I was successfully able to recall her explanation for the room I was now headed to. _It was his place_, she had once said, _I don't think there was ever a day he would go without playing_. After the accident, I knew her words failed to remain and Edward's supposed place of serenity was no more than the person he had also left behind.

I entered the room, twisting the knob for the lights to be as dim as possible before I quietly shut the door behind me. I remembered Alice also mentioning something about the room being moderately sound proof, giving me relief that I wouldn't wake anyone in the house.

As I walked to the object of my desire, my eyes scanned the bare walls and empty bookshelves. I wondered idly what profound beauty this room would hold had it contained everything it once had before it had been stripped. I knew the emptiness of it had been Edward's doing. He had probably not wanted any reminders.

As I approached the magnificently grand piano, I softly stroked the tips of my fingers against the cool polished ebony. Sighing fondly to myself, I sat down on the cushioned bench in front of the beautiful instrument. My piano at Renee's had been sad in comparison to _this_. This was something out of a dream.

I hadn't played at all since I left Phoenix. I suppose that was only to be expected, lacking a piano at Charlie's and all. I missed it though. I hadn't realized it until I was seated in front of one that I missed playing. I had never been very good, as much as I liked to convince myself otherwise, but playing piano had always been something I just _did_. It was the most satisfying way to free my mind of the jumbled thoughts.

Hesitantly, I reached both my hands out, softly testing a few notes on the ivory keys. The notes slowly progressed into chords which soon began forming flowing measures of an unwritten song. My eyelids fluttered closed as the movement in my hands continued, lulling me into the tranquility I had hoped for.

I continued weaving notes together, forming different melodies as my willing fingers played on. Time suddenly seemed irrelevant at the moment. The fact that I was playing an angelic sounding piano at two in the morning shouldn't have made any difference as to if I were playing it at two in the afternoon instead. I couldn't stop as I allowed my fingers to map out my complex thoughts into the simplicity of the keys.

A richer, sweeter set of chords suddenly joined me and I gasped quietly as a set of slenderly familiar fingers matched mine. Without a word or a glance in my direction, the bench I was sitting on shifted slightly as Edward silently sat down beside me. Even though what he was playing was entirely different and a lot more complicated, it still managed to somehow tie into what my feeble fingers were creating.

My mind was too focused on what my hands were doing to be baffled in any way by Edward's sudden closeness in proximity to me. And he was close. Our legs were touching, the contact sending shivers throughout my body. I watched in awe as his skilled fingers glide effortlessly across the keys, somehow managing to harmonize the simple melodies I was playing into intricate pieces.

I continued playing because I knew if I were to stop, so would he.

The hauntingly beautiful notes he was lacing together caused my vision to become blurry with tears I couldn't understand. I was completely torn as I sat there, late at night, on a piano bench next to a devastating shell of a man, realizing how incredibly devastating it was that someone so completely broken could still produce something so entirely beautiful.

I desperately blinked back my sadness but was unable to. Tears silently fell down my face. I couldn't find it in me to care or not if he noticed. My fingers no longer held the will to play as they slid limply from keys, gently falling into my lap. I swallowed hard as the complexion of Edward's notes only increased, clenching painfully at my heart. I slowly gazed up at his face, finding it focused intently on the music now pouring from the piano. His green eyes were masked off, though I could still sense a slight vulnerability in them as they seemed so entirely driven to carry on the sad notes he was producing.

To my extreme relief, Edward was sober.

If it was actually possible, his hair seemed an even bigger disarray than it usually did, giving off the impression that his anxious fingers had been hard at work before joining me down in this dimly lit room. All these things seemed so inconsequential considering the main thing I noticed the most as soft music filled my ears.

Something impossible for me not to ignore was the physical desire I seemed to be fighting. Because I was now fighting an urge I had never felt before. _I wanted to touch him_.

I wanted nothing more than to reach out, to run my hands through his disastrous hair. I wanted to wrap my arms around him, to feel the pureness of his heartbeat and the sureness of his strong arms encircled around me. I wanted to stroke the features of his face, trace his pouty lips and see if his cheeks really felt as soft as they looked.

This desire. . .it was stronger than anything I had ever felt before and I literally had to clench my hands into tight fists to keep myself from reaching out and touching him like I desperately wanted to. I felt like I was being pulled in his direction and for some insane reason, knew that I wanted nothing more than to be able to give up fighting against it. To be able to finally _physically_ comfort him.

All my wants were dangerously out of line and I was well aware of the forbidden territory I was entering.

This wasn't Edward who was sitting next to me though. He wasn't scary, he wasn't high, he wasn't angry. He was innocent; someone who didn't deserve such an isolation from the happiness everyone else so easily found.

I suddenly realized the reason Edward came off as such an angry individual all the time. The glares, the yelling, the hostility. They were all cover-ups. They were hiding what he refused to let people see. The sadness. The desire to laugh, to have fun. They hid his longing for the normality he had once been presented with along with the incredible amount of tragic burdens he seemed to carry around on his shoulders. But he had somehow convinced himself that he deserved it all. That even though he may have wanted all those things, he didn't want to try. And he didn't want to try because he wouldn't let himself.

Too caught up in my revelations, I hadn't realized the music had gradually faded until it was no more. My eyes remained attached to Edward's face as if it were truly possible to never be able to tear them away. I feared if I looked away, he would suddenly disappear before my eyes.

And I really couldn't bear the thought of that anymore than I could bear seeing him so shattered.

I could feel my eyes still glistening with unshed tears as his face slowly angled itself in the direction of mine. The disturbing depths I was able to see into his brilliant green eyes only gave my tears more of a reason to surface. I kept them from coming though. With every ounce of strength in me, I held them back.

But then his eyes changed. They pierced into mine holding an endless amount of emotions I had never seen from him before. Confusion was evident. There was also shock, much like mine, and fear as well. For the first time ever, it was like he was entering uncharted waters without a trace of knowledge as to what his next actions were supposed to be. _Edward was scared_. But that wasn't all.

The most startling emotion of all was the desire I read very clearly on his face.

I was sure my gasp was audible as I put two and two together. My breathing suddenly increased as my heart pounded rapidly in my chest, loud enough that I was sure the only way he couldn't hear it would be if he were deaf.

He wanted to kiss me.

He was _going_ to kiss me.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever thought such an occurrence would have even the slightest potential to actually happen. Frozen in fear, my mind was paralyzed and unable to come up with the answers my next move was supposed to entitle. If I just continued to sit there like I was, it was going to happen. He was going to kiss me.

I wanted it to happen. God, did I want Edward to kiss me. It was reason enough to let it happen, I was sure, but this sinking feeling currently in the pit of my stomach told me that I would be disastrously disappointed in the end – that this kiss would ultimately crush me.

I couldn't tell whether I was trembling or not, though I was sure I probably was. All I could focus on were Edward's unsure jade eyes staring questioningly back at me as I struggled to decide my resolve. I saw his throat tighten with fear as he inched his face ever so slowly toward mine. I remained where I was, utterly torn with the emotions I had been trying to fight off for so long. And damn it, I had been doing _so_ well. If he kissed me now, that was it. My will power would be forever lost and I knew I would no longer be able to consider Edward Cullen as merely the boy I sat next to in Science class. My feelings for him as it was were already dangerous and I knew this would only make matters much worse.

_He would hurt me_, my mind screamed. _Maybe not tomorrow, or a week from now, but he would do it_.

As he became close enough for me to smell his sweet breath blowing from his slightly parted lips, and so that I could see the gold flecks in his staggeringly tragic emerald eyes, I knew I didn't have it in me to stop him. This shouldn't have been happening but I somehow needed it to.

His head was inclined just inches from mine. While his eyes fluttered closed, I kept mine wide open, gazing on in wonder at the way his seemed to be clenched shut in what appeared like almost pain. It wasn't just my breathing that was very clearly irregular. The uneven breaths he was taking only indicated his uncertainty even more. He swallowed hard, twice. All of his facial muscles seemed to be clenched, and the visible strain was almost painful. My eyelids finally fluttered shut and my breath stopped all together.

Then, his soft, trembling lips were on mine.

* * *

_The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting.  
Could it be that we have been this way before?  
I know you don't think that I am trying;  
I know you're wearing thin down to the core._

_But hold your breath,  
because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you, over again.  
Don't make me change my mind,  
Or I won't live to see another day, I swear it's true.  
Because a girl like you's impossible to find.  
You're impossible to find.  
_- Fall For You, Secondhand Serenade

**A review would be just swell. (:**


	15. I Can't

**AN: Okay, so I am SO sorry this chapter has taken so long to post. I've been sick, and yeah. Usually when you're sick you're pretty incapable of doing much. So you can just blame the kid I sit next to in AP Bio for giving me the damn cold. His name is Mike. Go figures, right?**

**And DAMN! You guys friggin' rocked my socks off with all the response last chapter! Granted, most of them were near death threats for leaving at such a climatic spot, but still. You have no idea how much I appreciated each and everyone of your reviews. (:**

**_I'm italicizing this cause it's important. Kinda. I have a website for my FFs. Some of you have already been there a while back, but I re-did and stuff and decided to start updating it again. You can either go to my profile for the link or just take out the spaces and what not of the following: www(dot)simplydazzling(dot)webs(dot)com. You can find the story's playlist there as of now, and I'll be adding more in the near future._**

**MB, thanks for being your usual fabulous self and editing this chapter for me. Love you, bbs.**

* * *

Neither of us moved for a moment as his lips lingered there, waiting for my reaction. I parted them in response, inviting him in at once. And when he responded to my silent invitation, I was sure my heart very nearly burst through my chest. Every ounce of hesitation either of us had felt before suddenly vanished as the kiss exploded. He tasted so incredibly sweet. Like peppermint and. . ._Edward_. I smiled against his lips as my hands reached out, clutching the fabric of his gray Fork's High School hoodie as if they were keeping him from disappearing at once like I was afraid he would do at any moment. Trembling, they fisted there, keeping him with me.

His lips were so soft. Softer than I had ever imagined they would be. There was an utter contrast between the softness of his lips and the always present tension his body seemed to hold. Inside, his mouth was warm and inviting. I couldn't believe any of this was real.

The piano bench that was currently supporting us unfortunately wasn't the most ideal location in terms of what we were doing now. Never separating our lips, I carefully crawled onto him, my body moving entirely on its own, and straddled his hips as my hands remained tightly fisted in the material of his sweatshirt, pulling him closer to me. I couldn't let him leave. Not now. I was much too selfish to let that happen.

Instead of sitting in his lap, my butt rested on the piano keys, producing series of random notes as I shifted around. Then, the sweet kiss seemed to explode into something much more. . .urgent. He gripped his hands firmly on each side of my waist as I held on to the nape of his neck while my other hand fisted into his disheveled hair. His lips remained frantic on mine as my heart rate increased even more. It was beating so rapidly that it was bound to burst from my chest at any moment.

I darted my tongue out, sweeping across his pouty bottom lip. He responded by lightly biting down on my top, ghosting one of his hands up, trailing it over the length of my spine until it reached the back of my head. He pulled my face closer to his and again, a set of loud notes escaped the piano below me.

There were no words to describe the sensation that was coursing through me after the months of unanswered buildup. At the same time we both pulled back, catching our breaths. I rested my forehead on his, panting. I fluttered my eyes open to find his still shut and began planting a fresh trail of kisses around his mouth. On the corner of his lips, the side of his top lip, just below his bottom lip. My heart began pounding wildly against my sternum once again when his lips responded to mine once again, becoming slightly more demanding.

Kissing him brought on a whole round of complicated emotions that I chose to ignore. I wanted this to be the one thing between us that was finally _simple_. Easy. At least, for now. Because nothing that ever happened between Edward and I was good. And this was most definitely good. I wanted to relish in the fact that after so much strained tension, he was finally kissing me.

A shiver shot straight down to my toes when Edward's warm tongue slid into my mouth. Edwards stayed motionless apart from his unstable breaths. I kept my hand firmly against his neck, pursing my lips against his again. He responded by hastily scooting himself closer, filling the empty space between my spread legs with his torso as he roughly kissed back. What started out as a staggering, tender moment soon became overwhelmingly urgent. Edward slid back on the bench once again, only this time, he pulled me with him. I was now straddling his lap.

_Correction_. I was now straddling his lap. . .and then some.

With the knowledge of how I was affecting him, my hormones decided to become a mind of their own. A quiet moan escaped me, and I was about to pull way, completely mortified, but he seemed to _enjoy_ it. I swore I heard a low rumbling from deep in his chest, but wasn't sure. Both my hands now tugged and pulled at his messy hair while his held me tightly in place. One was gripping my waist while the other pushed my face closer to his by holding the back of my neck. I didn't mind.

My hormones, still acting for me, decided it would be a good idea to trail my hand down the front of his built chest. Really, it wasn't just my hormones though, because ever since I had realized that Edward was more than well-off in the muscle department, I had been dying to touch him. What happened next though caught me completely off guard.

Instead of the kiss escalating like I knew it had been about to, Edward removed his lips from mine and a pained groan escaped through his now clenched teeth. I opened my eyes in confusion, finding his staring back at me in anguish. I blinked, wondering what I had done wrong as his eyes pierced into mine with an unfathomable amount of pain. Moments passed by before his jaw clenched and he snapped his gaze to the dimly lit wall to the left. Realizing that I was still in fact sitting on his lap, I quickly scrambled to climb off, straddling the bench instead so that I was facing him. His eyes fell shut and he groaned again, now slowly shaking his head.

I wanted to slap myself for being so naïve. _He would hurt me_. Wow, _that_ sure didn't take him to long to accomplish. He had yet to speak, but I had a good enough idea of what he would say. . .

But what if I was wrong? What if I was jumping to conclusions to quickly and his sudden mood shift had nothing to do with me? My breath was now coming quickly, shaking from our kissing and from my fear of his reaction. "Edward, what's wrong?" My voice was barely above a whisper.

His eyes remained tightly closed as one of his hands tugged at his hair, pulling at it so hard that I feared he would soon pull it out. Without thinking, I reached my hand out and gently overlapped his with it, another thing I had wanted to do since the first day I met him. His whole body seemed to disagree with my silent gesture as he flinched, and I immediately shot my hand back down to my lap.

"I – I'm sorry," I stuttered, scared by what was happening.

His eyes flashed open and he suddenly averted his gaze to mine. They weren't angry like I thought they would be, they were just. . .dead. Lifeless. I assumed his voice would mirror them by his tone being emotionless when he spoke, but I was wrong. As impossible as it was, emotionless would have been a hell of a lot better than the utter strain and absolute misery it consisted of. He blinked, keeping his eyes locked with mine. "I can't. . .I can't do this, Bella." He shook his head again, his sad voice nothing more than a whisper. "I shouldn't have kissed you. I'm sorry."

I had to fight away the stinging tears of rejection as my heart plummeted into my stomach. He regretted kissing me. He thought it was a mistake. I blinked furiously, trying to hold myself together as I quickly dropped my gaze. He didn't give me anymore of an explanation, and I don't even think he had one.

_How could he not have felt that? _There had been something there. And as much as I frequently tended to deny everything, I couldn't ignore the feelings that had arisen when Edward's soft lips were on mine.

The longer I sat there, the more embarrassed I grew. Embarrassed because he had told me it was a mistake. It was amazing how quickly everything could just change, how you could go from ecstatic to wanting nothing more than to curl up and die, in just mere seconds. I wondered if that's how it was for Edward.

The tears continued to prick at my eyes, and I knew if I didn't get out of there soon, holding them back would be a lost cause. A silly part of me expected him to comfort me, but after what had just happened, I realized that was near impossible. I didn't bother chancing a glance up at him, knowing my will to remain composed would shatter as soon as I needed to be reminded of what had just happened. I felt so stupid. I knew I shouldn't have let myself believe that for just one moment, that's what he wanted.

_Some first kiss_.

Yes. I was eighteen years old, and I had never been kissed before just minutes ago. But to my own defense, that didn't necessarily mean I hadn't had the opportunity before. Back in Phoenix, I tried the whole dating thing a couple of times, but I never really cared for it. Or maybe it was just my selections, I don't know. I guess I had been waiting for it to be special. _Magical_ even. Renee had told me about hers when I was little, about the fireworks and sparks and magic she had felt. I guess I really had been stupid enough to think that Edward would be the ideal person to fill such heavy measures.

_But he had_.

There was no denying it. For me, that had been one of the most amazing experiences in my life. And although I knew there was no way in hell that Edward would ever say the same, it was what I had felt. I didn't know what he had meant by his words, by it being a mistake, but I knew I didn't want to find out.

_He would hurt me_.

I shut my eyes as I felt the warm moisture roll down my cheeks and silently got off the bench and exited the room. As soon as I shut the door and stepped out into the hallway, I heard the soft, complicated music begin once again through the muffled room. I froze mid-step. It didn't take long for my breakdown to escalate. Without warning, I felt myself slide down to the floor beside the door, drawn to the stupid notes like they were a drug. Like _he_ was a drug.

I clenched my eyes painfully shut as the tears increased, though I remained silent as I rested my body against the wall and listened. The music he was playing now was different than the music he had been playing before with me. It was more intense, and if it were truly possible, more unsettlingly tragic. My body involuntarily trembled, and I sat there in the hallway, tears streaming down my face as I listened to him play until sleep came without warning.

-oOo-

I woke up the next morning in Alice's bed. Which lead me to firmly believe that last night had been a dream. _Or a nightmare_. No, I wouldn't believe that. Because I had an unhealthy amount of dreams consisting of Edward, and in none of them had he kissed me. And dream me remembered melting from dream Edward's soft lips. But then he had to ruin the perfection by telling me that it should have never happened. It must have been my subconscious mind trying to make sure that I remembered it would never be possible.

I sighed, rubbing my hands over my oddly sore eyes. I heard Alice moving around in her bathroom as I stumbled out of her bed and sauntered over to the vanity. My hair was a mess, not just from sleep but what looked like the productivity of someone's fingers. My eyes were bloodshot and puffy. Huh. I guess I remembered crying in my dream last night. I talked in my sleep all the time – maybe I cried sometimes too?

After Esme made waffles for breakfast, I decided to go home. When I entered the house, I found Charlie asleep on the couch, the exhaustion on his face clearly profound. He must have had to stay pretty late at the station. Smiling at the rarity of him being home on a Sunday morning, I silently climbed the stairs up to my bedroom before stripping down and stepping under the steaming water of the shower.

After getting dressed, I pulled out my laptop in hopes of finishing the remainder of my English essay. I was distracted by the notification that popped up, letting me know that I had an unread email. I quickly opened up my browser, pulled up yahoo's homepage, and logged in. Sure enough, the notification had been right. I stared at Edward's unread message for a long moment, shocked and confused, before I sighed and opened it up.

* * *

**To: **bellaswan(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**From: **ecullenator17(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**Date: **23 November 2009 4:48 AM  
**Subject: **Don't Hate Me

Even though you have every right to.

I'm sorry about what happened last night. I wasn't thinking clearly, and you were so close, and yeah. . .I'm sorry. Bella, when I said "I can't do this" I should have explained why. It's not you, it's me. And I know you're rolling your eyes right now so stop. I'm just not capable of what you seem to think I am. I can't do certain things, I can't _handle_ certain things. I don't know what the hell's ever happening, but I do know that it's not something you want to get yourself into.

I know that's not what you want to hear. I know that nothing I say is what you want to hear, but I've lied to so many people, Bella – I can't lie to you too. I can't pretend to be someone I'm not either. I appreciate what you're doing, I really do, but last night made me realize that it's just not possible. You shouldn't have to deal with me. I hurt people. You know that. And I'm sorry for hurting you last night. That was never my intention.

I can't do it to you, too. You don't deserve my shit. I can't hurt you, too.

* * *

I stared blankly at the screen for a long moment in awe. Rereading it a second time, I began to process his words, as hard as they were to process.

So last night hadn't been a dream? Last night had actually happened?

Which meant. . .

All the air in my lungs left me in one big _whoosh_.

_Edward Cullen _had_ kissed me_.

Yes, he also told me he shouldn't have after it was over, but he still did. And his rejection of continuing hadn't been my fault, it had been his. He was trying to _protect _me. He was trying to protect me from _himself_. That's why he had stopped. Because I _knew_ he had to have felt it too. He felt it, and he was scared. So he retreated the only way he knew how. He pushed himself away and closed himself off. Because that's what Edward did best. That at least gave me the slight comfort, knowing it wasn't anything I did in particular.

But damn it, when did _I_ get a say in any of this? When would he finally understand that I wasn't going to give up? That maybe, just _maybe_, it was possible for someone to want to be there for him when he needed it. Which was constantly.

My head was dizzy, and I was unsure of what to write in response to his apology. So I didn't think about it, and just typed it all out before I had even a second chance to think about it.

* * *

**To: **ecullenator17(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**From: **bellaswan(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**Date: **23 November 2009 10:31 AM  
**Subject: **I Don't

You can't do certain things because you can't, or because you just are too scared to try? And I really think whatever I'm "getting myself into" is up to me. Edward, you can't push me away forever. I know that's what you want – for everyone to just leave you to your self-inflicted misery, but that's not what _I _want.

Life's too short to be miserable.

* * *

I honestly didn't care anymore. I didn't care if what I said to him wasn't what he wanted to hear, I didn't care if he continued to refuse medication, and I didn't care if he simply chose to ignore me for the remainder of his life.

But I did care, however, that he knew he wasn't alone.

One time I would have been biting my lip and twitching with nervousness after sending such an email. It didn't matter anymore though. It was time to start being more honest than I ever had in my life, because maybe, just maybe if I was, he would return the gesture. And I would be able to find him a way to _live_ again.

* * *

**To: **bellaswan(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**From: **ecullenator17(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**Date: **23 November 2009 10:39 AM  
**Subject: **You Should

I don't want to push you away, but I have to.

* * *

My breathing hitched as I finally got my proof. Proof that Edward was in fact, not okay with what was going on in his life. He was just so insistent upon letting it happen, insistent that he deserved to live in hell itself that he didn't believe he deserved a way out.

* * *

**To: **ecullenator17(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**From: **bellaswan(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**Date: **23 November 2009 10:44 AM  
**Subject: **RE: You Should

Everyone deserves a way out.

* * *

After sending him my message, I sighed. His way out was right in front of him. It had _always_ been right in front of him. He just never chose to take it. All he needed to do was to use it; to see that someone, that _I_ cared enough to save him.

But he was right, and it wasn't just that easy.

Edward's worst had no limits. There could be a day where his depression hit rock bottom, only to have the next day's sadness somehow find a way to penetrate through the solid rock even deeper than the previous day. His good days were rare and even _then_, he was still miserable at best. Because once you started digging, the deeper down you got, the harder it was to finally resurface again.

* * *

**To: **bellaswan(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**From: **ecullenator17(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**Date: **23 November 2009 10:50 AM

**Subject: **Not Everyone

What if I can't find one?

* * *

**To: **ecullenator17(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**From: **bellaswan(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**Date: **23 November 2009 10:55 AM  
**Subject: **I'll Help You Look

You play the piano beautifully, Edward.

* * *

This was some kind of break through between us. I was sure of it. It may have been small, but it was something. And if small was all I'd get for now, I'd still take it in a heart beat. Because small was something.

The more I thought back to the kiss, the more I realized how intense it had really been. And I knew I wasn't just flattering myself by thinking Edward didn't want to pull away. He had even said it himself. _He had to_. He had to protect me from himself. He was trying to stop me from allowing him an escape. He wanted an escape, he just didn't think he deserved it. And he was using every ounce of energy he had in him to shoot down any possibilities I gave him of a way out.

As I waited for his reply, my phone vibrated next to me on the bed instead. It was from Edward.

_For the record, even though I couldn't, I really wanted to_.

A sad smile slowly played across my lips as I closed my eyes and shook my head. He had wanted to keep kissing me. But probably nowhere near how much I had wanted to keep kissing him.

-oOo-

I didn't talk to him at all Sunday because I didn't want to push and destroy whatever bizarre progress we had seemed to make. I decided to get groceries early that morning for two reasons. The first: we were in desperate need of the basics – milk, butter, cheese, pasta. The second: one the way to the grocery store was the cemetery.

And sure enough, just like last Sunday, his shiny silver car was parked along side the road.

Come Monday, at lunch everyone was buzzing about the short week and long break. Thanksgiving was on Thursday so the only two days we had to come this week were today and tomorrow. I sighed, twirling a forkful of spaghetti as I listened to the others go on about their plans. It appeared that everyone was going over to the Cullen's Thanksgiving evening for a meal. Alice had eagerly invited me to join the festivities but I had politely declined her invitation. The thought of Charlie spending it all alone made me shiver.

I was planning on cooking him the traditional meal – turkey, potatoes and gravy, stuffing. I just wanted to show him how thankful I was for having him and how he had allowed me to come and live with him. I knew he'd love it. Besides, I spent enough time with Alice and her family as it was. I rarely got to see Charlie and was actually looking forward to our quiet evening.

Edward miraculously showed up both Monday and Tuesday. And even though he had been smoking both days, that didn't change my initial thrill of the fact that he had actually chosen not to skip either day. I couldn't remember in the last two months when that had actually happened. We didn't talk much either day, but we didn't fight either. And in my book, that equaled the same thing.

Feeling bad for passing up Alice's Thanksgiving offer, I agreed to spend a majority of Wednesday in Port Angeles, shopping with her. I tried my absolute hardest to keep the complaining at a minimum despite my hatred for shopping, and humored her by going along with it all because I knew how much she loved it. It took so little to make Alice happy. That was just one of the many qualities that I loved about her. That and the fact that never once did she bring up anything regarding my strange mood lately. Like I said – I loved her.

Just like I knew he would, Charlie loved the dinner I cooked for him Thursday night. Oddly enough, the night ceased to be awkward at any point. He talked about work, I talked a little about school – minus Edward, of course – and I even asked him about which teams he figured would make it to the super bowl that year. The way his eyes lit up at the subject was enough to keep me on a personal high for the rest of the night. Because like Alice, it took so little to make Charlie smile.

Charlie insisted on doing the dishes after we finished eating so that I could go and call Renee. I stayed on the phone with her for over an hour. She told me about how much she missed me, about how wonderful the sun was and whether I missed it. She also talked to me about Phil; about how winter training would be starting soon and they could finally stay put for a little while. Just like I did with Charlie, I talked to her about my friends, about school. Once again, Edward failed to make the conversation. At one point he almost did. At one point I almost broke down and told her every detail of our confusing confrontations over the last two months, but I didn't. Because even if I did want to tell her, I didn't even know where to begin.

"Well, Sweetie," she sighed fondly. "I miss you so much. Charlie promises me he'll send you my way soon."

I smiled. "I miss you too, Mom. Hope you had a happy Thanksgiving."

After I got off the phone with her, I took a long, hot shower before getting ready for bed. While I slid on a black sports bra and a pair of old, holy gray sweatpants, I wondered idly how the evening at the Cullen's had gone. Had Edward made an appearance at the dinner table? He had to have. It was a holiday for crying out loud. Had Esme made him dress for the occasion? Had he eaten the meal she had surely cooked for her family with love? Or had he simply just disregarded all of it? As nice as my dinner with Charlie had been, a part of me wished I would have attended to the Cullen's as well. So I could get my answers.

It was unusually stuffy in my room so I walked over to the doors leading out to my tiny patio, planning to crack them before I went to sleep. The sight before me, as I opened the doors, sent me staggering backwards. I grasped a hand over my mouth so I wouldn't scream and wake up Charlie. It was too dark to make out the figure, and as they took a step closer, I considered screaming this time. With wide eyes, I opened my mouth before the figure spoke.

"It's me," he hissed. I didn't need clarification to decipher who 'me' was.

"Edward?" My voice cracked. I watched as he slowly took a step forward and finally caught a glimpse of his face as my eyes started to slowly adjust to the darkness. His face and features were hard, but his eyes were pleading.

"Bella, please," his voice was only a faint whisper in the darkness. "I don't have anywhere else to go."

* * *

_So sing me a song,  
I know all the words to.  
And I'll sing along, could you be my savior?  
Been out here too long,  
And I've just been looking for somewhere to belong.  
They'll be holding on._

_So, can you save me now?_

_My life in the rear view,  
I'm running from Jesus.  
Don't know where I'm going to.  
__Got nothing to lose, I'm fighting my demons,  
Been lookin' for someone like you.  
_- Someone Like You, Boys Like Girls

**Remember to check my site! Chaper 16 will go up Saturday morning.**

**Reviews would make me feel so much better than any cold medicine could. (:**


	16. Promise

**A/N: I PROMISE - and you can hold me to this promise - that by the end of the day, I'll have caught up with replying to reviews. I promise. From being sick for a solid week, there's been so much homework and craziness I've needed to catch up on & work's been a bitch. But I knew you'd all rather get this before hearing from me. (; So if you think I'm ignoring you, I'M NOT! I'd never dream of it.**

**By the way, thanks for the wishes of good health. They did wonders, and I'm feeling a lot better now. (:**

**Mary Beth, as always bb, you rock my socks & are wonderful incredible. K? K.**

_**WARNING: **_**This is the angstiest chapter yet. Prepare yourselves.**

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_"Bella, Please," his voice was only a faint whisper in the darkness. "I don't have anywhere else to go."_

I wordlessly stepped aside, letting him in.

His hands were buried in his pockets, his gaze directed toward the ground as he slowly stepped into my room. I walked over to my bedside table and flipped on the lamp before sitting down on my bed, bringing my knees up to hug my chest as I watched him stand in the middle of the room, staring at me with uncertainty in his eyes.

He was still staring at the floor as I noticed his overall appearance. He had on his leather jacket, a plain white shirt underneath, and a pair of faded old blue jeans. I should have been surprised that he was standing in the middle of my room on Thanksgiving night, but I guess I wasn't. Rarely anything he ever did was surprising anymore. I waited for him to talk, for him to _move_, but he never did. He just stood there. I waited – I counted to sixty in my head before letting out a quiet sigh. "You can sit down on the bed if you want," I said quietly, breaking the awful silence.

He ran a hand through his hair as he glanced up at me through his long lashes. "Okay."

As slow as ever, he eventually was sitting in the space in front of me with his legs crossed. He removed his jacket, sliding it off his shoulders before tossing it behind him on my bed. And then it was silent. Painfully silent. I swear I could hear both of our loud heart beats. He just sat there. . .not saying a word as he stared down at his lap.

"I didn't smoke today," he told me quietly.

Relief swept through me for a short instant before reality came back. That meant whatever he was feeling right now was all him. And I was fairly positive that tonight I was about to see Sad Edward at his lowest. "That's good," I responded simply.

Another painfully long pause.

"I don't know."

I raised an eyebrow at him even though he still wasn't looking at me. "You don't know what?"

But then he did, and I was shocked by the intensity of his eyes. People always said that sometimes, you could see into a person's soul just through their eyes. I understood what they meant by that. Because I could literally feel the utter atrophy as I stared into them. "Why I came here," he answered in a whisper.

His hand went up to run through his hair once again as I considered his words. He might not have known, but I sure had a pretty good idea. "What happened?" I asked softly. I felt like at that moment, anything could have shattered him. My tone of voice, my words. It was almost too much to bear – witnessing his vulnerability.

My question was followed by another momentary pause. The softness of his voice when he finally did talk nearly broke my heart. "I got into a fight with them. With Carlisle and Esme. . . and I punched Emmett."

"Why?" I kept the shock out of my voice. The last thing I wanted was for him to think I was judging him right now.

I watched as he closed his eyes and inhaled a lungful of air, slowly shaking his head. "God's got a sick sense of humor."

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," I assured him quietly.

He chuckled humorlessly as his eyes opened back up. "Christ, Bella. I wouldn't fucking _be_ hear if I didn't want to tell you." He ran his hand over the back of his neck, glancing out the window. "I meant what I said that one day. Talking to you helps," he sighed sadly, meeting my gaze once again. "You're different. You don't expect anything from an Edward you used to know."

This was Edward talking. For once, it was Edward and not the drugs. And I was overwhelmed by the intensity of his confessions. "Then tell me," I urged tentatively, still hugging my knees tightly to my chest while I rested my chin on them.

"Emmett got in the way."

"What?"

A look of self-disgust crossed his features as rubbed his hand over his eyes. "Emmett got in the way. I was going to punch Carlisle, but Emmett got in the way," he sounded mortified with himself that he was admitting all of this to me, but I remained silent. I remained patient. The last thing I wanted was for him to think I was judging him. "He started talking about the accident. . .about my parents. He gave this shitty speech about how we were all thankful that they were in a better place," he paused. "He talked about how they were all thankful that I had survived. That I was still here with them today. It was like he was fucking rubbing it all in my face." His voice wasn't angry. It wasn't even sad. It was just. . .lifeless. "God, I don't know why he had to do it in front of everyone, but he fucking called me out. He asked me why I wasn't thankful that I survived the fucking thing when they didn't." I watched as his eyes darted rapidly around the room to anywhere but my face. "I sort of just. . .snapped."

I watched in horror as his expression twisted into pain. He didn't close his eyes this time. "I yelled. I said fucking horrible things, Bella." He shook his head sadly. "I've never yelled at them like that before. And trust me, they yelled back. As soon as Esme started crying, it was like something inside Carlisle snapped too. And then it suddenly became some sort of fucking shout-out."

I imaged the scene he was describing – the harshness of his loud voice, Esme's fallen face, Alice's hopelessly impassive attitude towards him, and Emmett's fury at his ability to cause such disruption by his pain inflicting words. Edward didn't mean to hurt anyone. I _knew_ that. It happened without a warning he could control.

"He threatened to send me away," he continued, his voice still incredibly quiet. "He told me that my behavior wasn't something he would subject the rest of the family too, and that if I didn't start shaping up, my ass would be off to some insane asylum in California," he chuckled, and the sound of it was broken. "I'm not crazy. I may be a lot of things, but I'm not fucking crazy." He tangled his fingers into his hair and kept them there as I watched him continue to struggle with his words in silence. I wasn't sure I had the ability to speak. "So I lunged for him, and Emmett stopped me, and I punched him in the face. And I fucking didn't mean to. It just _happened_."

When another long pause followed, I expected that he was done. But I was wrong. This time though, his voice was full of more emotion. This time, his voice hurt to listen to. "I mean, fuck, I know he's right. I know I need help. I know I should be better by now. But I'm not. And I don't need the constant fucking reminders thrown in my face." His green eyes suddenly flashed to mine. "What's the point of getting better if I'll never be good enough anyways?"

I felt sick to my stomach. Horrified. Because with those words, I knew he had opened up the floodgate on himself. I knew that whatever was about to follow was going to hurt him. Unthinkingly, I reached for his hand – the one he kept tugging at with his hair. I scooted closer to him, no longer embarrassed by my lack of attire of only being on a black sports bra when his concerns were so much worse. I crossed my legs as well, holding his hand firmly in both of my hands as I held it in my lap.

He stared at his hand in mine for a long moment, like he was contemplating how it made him feel. Eventually, he began talking again, never tearing his gaze away from our intertwined hands. I wondered if it felt as right to him as it did to me.

"God, that was always the problem with my parents," he hastily spit out, his voice marred with frustration. "I mean, I get it. First born – I'm supposed to be the golden child and fucking move mountains, but whatever I did _was never good enough_." The torment in his voice was enough to make me want to stop him. I think I had already heard quite enough and the obvious pain that this conversation was causing him had my whole body cringing. But he kept going. It was like he couldn't stop. "They didn't realize they were pushing me. Of course they didn't. They were too focused on 'the big picture'," he air quoted bitterly. "And fuck, the disappointment I endured when I couldn't fucking do it was unbearable."

Edward's words had painted a very clear picture. _The big picture_. Even though to everyone else he _had_ been perfect, he had been far from it. To put pressure on yourself was bad enough, but to be on the receiving end of never-ending expectancy? From you parents of all people? It wasn't like it wasn't uncommon. In fact, it was rare when parents didn't put at least a small amount of pressure on their children. But what Edward was describing. . .how he was describing it. . .His mom and dad clearly hadn't put "a small amount" on him. They dosed it to him like a three course meal. Constantly. Upon my inner revelations, his quiet voice pulled me back into the situation.

He opened his mouth to talk but I stopped him. "Edward, you don't have to say anymore."

He stared at me for a long moment, just gazing into my eyes. They were unreadable, and his expression appeared to be confused. But then resignation crossed his features and I felt the ever so slightly squeeze he gave to my hands. "Yes, I do," he sounded so sure of himself. "I want to."

_He wanted to_. He was giving me what I had always wanted from him, and he wasn't doing to because I was forcing him to. He was doing it because he wanted to. He knew I was giving him a choice – he _had_ the choice to simply leave it at what he had already told me. But he wanted to tell me more. And even though I could barely breathe as my heart clenched in response to the pain recalling his past brought him, I wasn't going to stop him from talking if that's what he wanted. I gently squeezed his hand back and watched the smallest of smiles form at his lips.

"Perfection. . ." he trailed off, shaking his head. "What the fuck does being perfect even mean?"

I wasn't sure if what he was asking was a rhetorical question, so I waited to answer it until I was sure it had been meant for me to. "Nobody's perfect," I whispered, watching his eyes drop to our hands once again. "Nobody can be. . ."

"Not even me," he finished, his voice barely audible. A few seconds of silence paused before his eyes suddenly flashed up to mine, an unrecognizable fury that wasn't there before intruded the piercing green. "Fucking Emmett got a B on his science test and they praised him at being consistent and great in school. I come home with a B on the same fucking test and I'm not allowed to leave the house until I somehow raised the motherfucking grade." As soon as he realized he had raised his voice to a dangerous level with Charlie sound asleep in only a few rooms down, he quickly shot me an apologetic whisper before continuing in a much quieter voice. "Sophomore year I didn't make the varsity team for basketball," he informed me, his soft voice obtaining a frightening amount of anger. "So I spent every fucking moment of my life practicing until I made the damn team. And not because I wanted to," he added hastily.

I watched as his free hand ran through his hair a repeated number of times and considered holding that one as well, but decided against it. He glanced out the window, his jaw in a hard line. "I know it all sounds stupid, I know I sound like a pretentious, snobby brat, but I just. . .when I realized I could never be what they wanted me to, something in me fucking. . .shut down."

My eyes widened in horror. "Edward, you didn't–"

Torment flashed in his eyes as I watched the grim line of his mouth form into a painful grimace. "Yeah, I did. I spent my whole life thinking that maybe someday, if I tried hard enough, I could be the perfect son. I tried _so _hard," By this time I noticed that the hand I was holding in mine was shaking. His whole body was shaking.

"Edward–" I quickly tried to get out, but he cut me off.

"I never had the chance to be normal when they were constantly pushing me to be better. And I could never be the better they wanted to be." The words were rushing out of his mouth like he truly couldn't stop them. "And then they had to fucking die and that's when I realized it, okay?" he choked in a voice so thick with tears that it made my own heart clench. "That's when I realized that I had truly failed them. Because they were gone. And I would never be able to be what they fucking wanted. . .I never had the chance to be the 'better' that they wanted me to be."

Whether it was because of how devastating his words were, because of how truly broken he really was, or simply because he needed comfort – comfort that he had been neglecting to receive for _so_ long, I threw myself at him. Wrapping my arms around his neck as I crushed myself to him, plunging my face into the crook of his neck. He seemed to understand. I felt his arms wrap around my waist as he buried his face into my shoulder. And as I sat there in his lap, willing to steal away all of his pain, to take away some of his burdens, the tears finally spilled. I brought one of my hands up, softly running my fingers through his hair. He remained completely silent. And though he wasn't sobbing or breathing irregularly, giving no indication that he was even crying at all, I could feel his warm tears against my bare skin for a long time.

I wondered when the last time any positive physical contact had been made with him. An involuntary shiver ran throughout my whole body when I realized that it had most likely been a long, long while ago. Every fiber in my body was alive as my heart thundered loudly, steadily, in my chest. His hair was soft as I gently ran my fingers through it. The warm moisture that ran down my shoulder in result of his confession was not something I was privy to witnessing, especially since I knew he hadn't wanted me to.

But it was like he really didn't care anymore either way. He was just so. . .so _done_. With everything. But I refused for that to be the case. I refused to admit to defeat so easily. And with that, I clung on to him like he was my lifeline when really, I was his.

When he eventually pulled back from my embrace, his eyes were red, sore, and tired. They held my gaze for a long moment, just staring, until I watched them slowly avert to my comforter below us. He didn't want to acknowledge what had just happened, and if it would make him upset, I wouldn't unless he chose to. But for now I just sat there before him, placing a sad, assuring smile on my face as I silently let him know that he would never regret the day he finally gave his trust to me as I reached for his hand once again.

It was a long time before either of us spoke. And even though I knew at this point, I could have said just about anything to him and he would have sat there and taken, I chose not to take advantage of him in that way, knowing how horrible of a thing that would be. Idly gazing down at our intertwined fingers before glancing up at him, I noticed that his eyes were shut. "Edward, you know giving up isn't the only way."

His sad green eyes then opened up, blinking once before he solemnly shook his head and they closed once again. "It's so much easier – running from your problems instead of facing them." He looked so broken. As if he was truly at the end of his rope, struggling to hang on.

"Is it?" I whispered in response, my voice pleading. "Is it really easier?"

I watched his head that was already hung so low shake once again. "Nothing's easy." His voice was so muffled I could barely comprehend his words as his closed eyes remained glued to his lap. "I remembered my mom saying that once. That it was easy as long as I told myself it was. But it was _never_ easy," he explained through gritted teeth. "I know that when they died, it should have felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulder of some shit, but that weight never left. It's like ten thousand more fucking pounds were added to it, and–"

"–nobody's that strong," I finished sadly.

I watched his head nod slowly. "Exactly," he whispered. Another long pause followed before he spoke again. "Carlisle and Esme were more than understanding at first," he told me, his voice still barely audible. "I mean, they got it – everyone needed coping time, a little smoking here and there wouldn't kill anybody, missing school every now and then wasn't a crime either. But then Carlisle started getting less understanding. He felt like I should have gotten over it by then. Like I should have been the perfect son again," he spat bitterly. "Because Edward Cullen was fucking _perfect_, right?"

I bit my lip as the guilt that followed in being one of the people who had believed just that spread through me like venom. I realized how gravely wrong I had been. I felt more than just horrible in response to my easily made assumptions. Because I should have known better than to believe that the image my mind had created of him before the accident had been accurate.

"So that's when Carlisle decided to fill the footsteps of my dad. _And_ mom, since Esme was too scared to confront me," he chuckled humorlessly, disgusted. "How fucking great is that? She's _scared_ of me. It's not like I haven't given her reasons to be just that though. . ." he trailed off. "Carlisle plays the part of my therapist. Like he actually has a fucking clue what he's talking about. Like he has any idea what I'm going through." He was now violently tugging at his hair. "Shit, _I_ don't even fucking know what I'm going through. But apparently, he's the one to judge."

"Does he yell at you a lot?" I asked softly. Carlisle Cullen seemed like a wonderful man to me, but then again, people were good at giving the impressions they wanted to. Really though, I knew that his heart was in the right place. He wanted to help Edward too. He just didn't know how to do it.

"Yeah," he answered in the middle of an exasperated yawn, still looking down. "All the time."

"And what do you do?"

He shrugged casually, though the frown on his face he quickly tried to hide did not go unnoticed by me. "Nothing." I also shut my eyes momentarily, picturing it in my head. A discussion much like the one I had walked into over a month ago – Carlisle yelling, wondering why Edward couldn't be who everyone wanted him to. Edward, instead of fighting back, just standing there and. . .and taking it. The scene grew increasingly sadder as I shuddered while imagining Carlisle's words.

And for the second time that night, I understood Edward better than I ever had. When terms of redemption and methods of healing were thrown in, Edward got scared and retreated by means of anger. If the conversation revolved solely around his failures, why he wasn't snapping out of the slump he was in, why he couldn't be better, he said nothing. He simply regarded it by letting himself be harmed further than he already was. And it had to be put to an end. Because he was giving anyone who wanted the power to destroy him. What was worse? The destruction was at his own terms.

"That's why I just don't even try anymore," he explained with a long sigh. "Because if I do, they start expecting more and more. I can't _give_ them more."

I kept my voice steady and even, inhaling a lungful of air before deciding how to phrase my next question. It was going to sound ridiculous any how, but that was just it. It _wasn't_ ridiculous. "Do you ever. . .you know, feel. . ._happy_? Ever?"

He chuckled darkly, shaking his head before slowly diverting his gaze up to mine for the first time in a long time. His eyes appeared amused, but that only lasted for a few short moments before the pain returned. "Being happy is like being perfect," his wistful smile fell. "I can't be either anymore."

His words gave me reason to believe that the conversation he had been having had finally came to a close. But his expression told me otherwise. I watched something flash in his eyes as they darted, involuntarily frantic around the dark room. I squeezed his hand that remained in mine, but he didn't so much as acknowledge that he had felt it. His face was twisted into a tormented grimace while his lips parted open ever so slightly. It was bad enough watching Edward's never-ending anxious movements when he was under the influence. It was so much worse knowing that tonight he was sober. As soon as our eyes finally met once again, I held my gaze and neither of us looked away.

"There's more, isn't there?" I whispered, horrified by the intensity of the apathy in his eyes.

I watched, wanting nothing more than to bury my face in the crook of his neck and cry _for _him as he moved his head a fraction of an inch in the smallest of nods before hanging his head to his lap once again. His voice was so quiet, I had to lean my head closer to his just so I could hear him clearly. "We were arguing that night. We were driving home from my basketball game and for the past hour I had to hear nothing but my dad verbally fucking chastising me for all the plays I had fucked up." Without thinking, I leaned in close enough so that my forehead rested on his. I moved one of my hands up to stroke his hair once again. "So I started yelling back. They yelled at me for not being better at my life while I yelled at them for not ever giving me a break. They were distracted from the road," his voice grew desperate as he struggled to stutter out the rest of his story. "It could have so easily been prevented."

No. No, I refused to let him blame himself anymore. "Edward, it was not your fault!" I argued weakly, because the moment our gaze locked once again, I could see it very clearly in his eyes, that to him, the blame fell entirely on his shoulders. "No," I whispered. "No, it wasn't."

I heard him swallow hard as he closed his eyes. "You want to know the last thing I said to them? Before we crashed?"

I wanted to shake my head, to tell him "absolutely not," but I was paralyzed. Nothing in my body seemed to be moving. Not even my heart. I think in the amount of time between his question and his answer, it had completely stopped beating. And when I heard his answer, I felt it break in my chest.

"_'I fucking hate you!'_"

My vision became blurry as my eyelids fluttered shut. The warmth of my own tears trailed down my cheeks, silently dripping down onto our united hands. Because in response to his words, something strange happened. In that moment, it was like I could feel everything he was feeling. His pain – his never-ending, soul-destroying negativity. I could feel it all. And as I sat there, aware of his every movement, I wondered how he lived like this. I wondered how it was even bearable.

I wondered why he hadn't put an end to all of his suffering yet.

I wondered what would happen if he did.

_What a stupid thing to wonder_. Of course I knew what would happen. I was emotionally tied to this broken boy beyond more than I'd ever dreamed I would become. The consequences of losing him forever would be devastating regardless of how deep my feelings really were. All that mattered was that he was hurting so much more than merely a few painful memories from a past. Because there were more than just a few, and all those memories were literally tearing him apart. I could only imagine the mangled, shattered pieces that were left in remains of his over-worked heart.

I moved my free hand from his hair, sliding it down his neck, over his broad shoulder, until it was resting firmly against his heart. I felt the soft, rhythmical movements under my palm. His breathing was labored, his chest rising and falling heavily under my touch as my hand remained placed over the only thing currently keeping Edward alive.

And somehow, in the midst of everything, I managed to feel calm from the steady pounding.

My eyes opened to meet his which were currently clenched painfully shut. I waited a long while before they slowly opened up, finally gazing into mine. He swallowed hard as he willed himself not to look away. "Promise me," I begged, my voice holding a fierceness I had never known.

"Promise what?" his voice cracked.

I squeezed his hand so tightly in mine that it hurt. "Edward, you _know_ what," my voice was desperate.

Uncertainty flashed in his piercing eyes before he slowly blinked, and he understood what I was asking. "I promise."

Relief washed through me, but it wasn't enough to bring me comfort. Because I remembered Edward's words very clearly that day. The flatness of his tone, the unspoken promise in his tone as he declared himself unable to _keep _a promise. I knew his words would forever haunt me. There was no telling when he would decide to break our agreement, when he finally decided he really couldn't take it anymore. But for now he promised, and that was all that mattered.

When I unthinkingly moved my face closer to his, he immediately flinched back. I bit my lip, looking down as I tried not to let his prominent rejection get to me. It had been a long day for him. It was silly and selfish of me to burden him with anything else. I had just. . .wanted to let him know that everything was okay. That _we_ were okay. But I guess that wasn't exactly true. And that knowledge hurt.

"Fuck," I heard him curse. "See, I _knew_ I'd mess this shit up. Shit, I don't. . .God, I–" I watched him struggle for words more than he ever had before. The visible strain was painful. ". . .Look, Bella, I'm sorry, alright? I can't. . .give you some sort of relationship." He shook his head, clearly frustrated with himself. "If I were different – If I were _normal_, then things wouldn't have to be this way. But I'm not," he insisted feverishly. "And I can't. . .I mean, I'm trying to figure things out but I don't know what to do and I need you to tell me! . . ." As my hand slowly fell from his beating heart, his hand suddenly caught it, bringing it back to where it had been. When I glanced up at him through my damp eyelashes, he was staring down at me with a look so entirely intense that it almost knocked me over. ". . .What do you want from me?" he pleaded. "Cause I. . .I don't _know_. I can't, God, I can't. . ."

And then I kissed him. Not because I was selfish, not because it was the "right thing" to do. I firmly pressed our lips together because Edward needed it. He needed someone. He needed to know that he wasn't alone. Because even though he truly believed there was no hope left for him, I knew there was. He was changing. Already. Didn't he see that?

It wasn't like the other night on the piano bench. The kiss was soft, short. Long enough for me to get my point across. After sucking lightly on his bottom lip for a few moments as I felt his heart rate speed up momentarily, I slowly pulled back.

He was staring at me, more unsure of his movements than I had ever seen him. My hand moved up to stroke his cheek and I watched in awe as he shivered at my touch. "For the record," I offered him in a whisper. "I like it better when you're sober."

A tiny, sad smirk wavered at his lips for a few moments before it became a frown and he was glancing down at his lap once again. "I take pot because it calms me the fuck down. I take cocaine because it makes me forget everything. They're my constants. I _need _them. Drug's are the only way I don't have to fucking _feel _anything." What he was saying made sense. Which was what scared me. "I'm so dependent on them because without them, I wouldn't be able to. . .to bear even fucking breathing."

"But you don't always smoke. . ." I trailed off suggestively.

He gazed up at me through his lashes, speeding up my heart rate as I felt my insides melt in response to that one, innocent movement. "That's because lately I've realized there's something stronger."

The feeling of a pit in my stomach immediately formed at the word _stronger_. What could he have possible been doing now? How else was he possibly choosing to voluntarily harm himself? "What?" I asked nervously.

I waited for his fleeting gaze to remove from mine but it never did.

"You."

* * *

_I tried to be perfect,  
but nothing was worth it.  
I don't believe it makes me real.  
I thought it'd be easy, but no one believes me,  
I meant all the things I said._

_If you believe it's in my soul,  
I'd say all the words that I know.  
Just to see if it would show,  
that I'm trying to let you know,  
That I'm better off on my own._

_This place is so empty,  
my thoughts are so tempting.  
I don't know how it got so bad.  
Sometimes it's so crazy that no one can save me,  
but it's the only thing I have.  
_- Pieces, Sum 41

**I warned ya. -sighs- Poor buddy.**

**Reviews would be like a hug from Edward. (:**


	17. Best Man

**A/N: Geeeez I can't keep up with you guys! The responses last chapter? You all kicked some serious ass. And that's putting it lightly. You can't even began to imagine how giddy I am with all of your feedback. I'll make sure Edward goes to each of your house's and gives you a great big, warm, amazing, wonderful hug. Deal? Deal. (:**

**And since I don't want a huge long AN at the bottom too, I say this now - James is in this chapter, and there isn't a clarification as to who exactly he is. So, to answer your questions in advance, he got expelled from school at the end of junior year (last year) and used to be in Edward's group of smoking buddies.**

**Two more things before I let you go:**

**1.) Check my website if you want to listen to the story playlist. The link is on my profile!**

**2.) Mary Beth may possibly just be the best beta in the history of betas. 'Nuff said.**

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_He gazed up at me through his lashes, speeding up my heart rate as I felt my insides melt in response to that one, innocent movement. "That's because lately I've realized there's something stronger."_

_The feeling of a pit in my stomach immediately formed at the word stronger. What could he have possible been doing now? How else was he possibly choosing to voluntarily harm himself? "What?" I asked nervously._

_I waited for his fleeting gaze to remove from mine but it never did._

_"You."_

I waited for his punchline, but it never came. Which meant. . .My eyes widened as I stared at him. After all this time, after all the times I hadn't given up on him. None of them had been for nothing. Because somehow, in the complexity and confusion he had stored in his mind, I had managed to find my place there. I had managed to make a difference. And that knowledge had me biting my lip harder than I ever had before in hopes to contain myself from releasing a very loud victory scream which would not only wake Charlie, but also scare Edward.

"I'm becoming more dependent on you than I have any other drug," he admitted, though his voice seemed troubled as he played with my fingers. "And that fucking terrifies me. I can't. . ." Frustration crossed his features as he shook his head with a grimace before his eyes slowly moved back to mine. "You've become as constant as air to me. I can't handle losing that."

I understood what he was getting at, and while I was doing cartwheels in my head, I had to give him something in return. A promise for a promise. "I won't leave," I assured him quietly, losing my nerve to hold his gaze as his grew intense. I dropped them to my lap. "I promise."

There was not a doubt in my mind that keeping such a promise would be difficult. Because it would be. At the moment, I wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of the night with him. But he was unpredictable. Always. And who was to say that tomorrow he wouldn't break me and I'd be packing my bags for Phoenix the first chance I got? Anything was possible with him, which was exactly why the scale of difficulty fell on the same level in regards to the promises we had made to each other that night.

Would I be able to do it? Would I be able to provide him with someone who would listen? Even if what he said wasn't what I wanted to hear?

Of course I would. I had to. He had just said it himself – he needed me. Or at least, that's what his words had constituted. And I knew he was confused by them beyond any measures of sanity. To a degree, he wanted me as a friend. As someone to talk to – someone I would gladly be to him. But the unspoken want between the two of us was far from simple. He had said he couldn't give me a relationship, but that's never what I had asked from him. That wasn't to say the idea wasn't appealing, but it wasn't ideal for the time being. I knew that. And so did he. Which was exactly why we were both fighting a losing battle.

Because under the remains of all his broken pieces, through the darkness of his past, beyond his crippling, enigmatic emotional state, there was mutual attraction. The whole speech he had given me on not knowing what to do couldn't have made any more sense. And as hard as it had been to understand his struggle for words, I understood exactly what was running through his mind. Which was a definite first.

"Edward," I whispered, getting his attention. He glanced up at me, his eyes wary. "You can't always have the answers," I quoted him, sending him the smallest of smiles. "So you have to just go by whatever you feel is _right_." I watched as he processed my words, the meaning behind them, before he returned my smile with one of his own before slowly nodding his head. "And I promise, it's not as hard as you think it is."

But it was still hard. Really hard. And it was useless to tell him something he already knew.

Without warning, he released my hand and got off the bed. He dropped his head towards the floor, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck while he spoke. "I should probably. . .get going."

I wondered why he suddenly had to leave and considered asking before I thought better of it. Nervously biting my lip as I hugged my knees to my chest once again, covering my half-naked torso, I asked him a different question. "You can, um, stay here tonight if you want?"

But I knew his answer before he had to say anything. Because like always, my Edward was gone. He had reached his limits for the night, and even though he had pushed himself harder than he ever had before, it was all he was capable of handling. _So much for being his drug_, I thought bitterly. "I don't think that's a good idea," he annunciated slowly. My solemn nod earned a concerned looked from him. Like I was the one who he needed to be concerned about. "I need to get home," he explained further. "Carlisle was serious about sending my ass off to California." I watched him visibly shudder and felt the smallest of smirks play out on my lips. I was relieved I hadn't totally scared him off or anything.

He grabbed his leather jacket from the bed before sliding it on. "Are you going to go home and sleep?" I sounded like his mother I'm sure, but I had to ask. I had gathered it was a rare occurrence for him – using his bed. I was positive that along with medication, sleep would contribute to fixing a majority of his irritation during the days.

He grimaced before slowly shaking his head. I sighed, knowing that pushing him tonight would be unfair, especially since he had already given me so much. He turned towards the closed doors leading out to my small balcony and stared at them for a few moments, like he was considering staying. I sighed at my wistful thinking as he then opened them up. Since he had miraculously managed to climb up the lattice, I figured he could miraculously manage to climb down the lattice. I wasn't prepared to give Charlie a palpable explanation, especially since any explanation I gave him would have been void in his mind.

He glanced over his shoulder. "See you at school, Bella."

After he left, I curled myself up in a ball, buried under layers and layers of covers as all of Edward's words from before replayed themselves in my head. I cried myself to sleep that night. Because now that I knew what Edward was feeling on a daily basis, it was so much worse than what I ever would have imagined.

I cried_ for_ him.

-oOo-

The remainder of the short break was unbearably slow. I emailed Edward a few times but none of our conversations were remotely interesting or relevant. Still, a couple of sentences from him here and there gave me hope that he would stay true to his promise, and that I would be able to keep mine as well.

Alice came over for all of Sunday and we mainly caught up on homework as she filled me in on the inconsequential nothings of her easily close-to-perfect life. Of course I was granted with the access of Thanksgiving night from her perspective rather than Edward's this time around, biting my lip when she had pondered the possible places he had left to after slamming the door so violently that pictures from the nearby walls had fallen off. I got angry when her first assumption was to believe that he had gone off and smoked until he wasn't able to see straight anymore, before I realized that it was a totally probable and more than common thing for him to do.

Except that he hadn't. He had come to _me_.

Monday started off on a happy note due to my excitement of finally being able to see Edward again since he had promised he would be there. A part of me doubted the sincerity of that particular promise, but I remained hopeful none-the-less. Why bring myself down until I was positive he had broken it?

Alice chatted happily away in Trig, World History went by in a daze as it always did, and by the time English came, I was so anxious to see him that I had never walked to class faster in my life. Even though we rarely spoke in English (his desk being two rows down from mine), I optimistically hoped that we could change that.

I guess Edward didn't agree.

When he arrived seconds before the bell in his usual haste, I looked up at him, sending him a friendly smile. A smile which twisted into a horrified grimace as I watched him return the gesture with one of the angriest glares I had ever seen from him. And he was staring right at _me_ as he made his way to his desk. Nostrils flaring, eyes cold as ice, I found myself holding back tears much like I had my very first day at this damn place. I couldn't remember anything I had said or did being bad enough to earn the look he had just given me, so I slumped further into my chair, letting my hair fall around my face as a curtain as I contemplated the harshness of his actions. All I had done was smile at him. I couldn't even _smile_ at him anymore? And did he have to be so mean about making that known?

_Message received_. Loud and clear.

Throughout the rest of the class his eyes remained strictly to the front of the classroom, staring so pointedly at the blackboard I half-expected it to start smoldering.

I was silent all through lunch. Both Alice and Mike asked me if I was okay – a question that frankly, I was getting damn sick of lately. Especially from those two. I mean, don't get me wrong, I loved Alice to death and I knew her intentions were nothing but concern for me, but I was a big girl. I could take care of myself. I mumbled as much to Mike after he had repeated the stupid question for the fifth time. That shut him up for the time being. I wondered idly if this was how Edward ever felt. Or if this was how he had felt at first, before everyone had given up. They probably bombarded him with the same, overwhelmingly exhausting question.

I wasn't looking forward to Bio at all today. I couldn't handle anymore of his hostility, and since I thought we had finally moved past all of that particular bullshit, I couldn't help but remain angry at the way he seemed to disregard all the progress that had been made between us the past week. Was it honestly that hard for him to accept change?

He was there, of course. When I entered the room his messy mop was being pulled at by his anxious fingers as his shoulders slouched forward in a resigned position, his elbow belonging to the hand tugging at his hair resting tiresomely on the blacktop. I swallowed hard before prominently raising my chin and walking over to our table. I was not about to let him see me weak. Without so much as a glance of acknowledgement in his direction, I sat down curtly in my seat beside him. In terms of ignorance, I had learned from the best.

I could feel his eyes on me and almost broke down just to see them at one point, to see if they were still glaring at me, but I stayed strong and held my defiant gaze to remain in front of me. That is, until I heard him spoke. "You're mad at me," he assessed in a sad tone.

I didn't speak. My voice always seemed to betray me, and I sure as hell didn't want it to convey any of the hurt I had been feeling earlier that day.

I heard him sigh and knew his hand was in his hair once again. "Look," he lowered his voice, "I didn't mean to act like such a douchebag earlier, I swear." He ignored my quiet snort and continued with his semi-apology. "I know this is gonna sound fucking stupid, but we can't. . .be friends. Not here, at least." My mask slipped and I felt my lips betray me by automatically slipping into a disappointed frown. He noticed because he quickly added in a rough voice, "Not _at all_, Bella. Just not here." He sighed again and out of the corner of my eye I noticed him shaking his head. "It's not you – I swear to God it's nothing you did, I just can't. . .people notice shit like this," he waved a hand from me to him. "Like _us_. And they'd turn it all into a way bigger deal than it fucking needs to be."

And because I was pathetically attracted to his velvety voice, I finally looked at him. He had a pleading look on his face, staring at me through his hard, tired emerald eyes. As always, my resolve came to me in response to seeing his pain.

I got it. I knew exactly what he was trying to get at and immediately wondered why I hadn't come to that conclusion myself before being all happy and smiley to him in front of a classroom full of gossip-hungry teenagers. Which my smile to him earlier probably had already done.

I finally sighed, resigned. "Okay."

He quirked an eyebrow. "Okay?"

I rolled my eyes. "_Okay_, you're forgiven."

I was rewarded with a genuine smile. "Thanks, Bella."

After his explanation, my mood shifted immensely from what it had been all day. It wasn't until Mrs. Snow gave us the last five minutes of class to talk quietly amongst ourselves that Edward turned to face me completely. The hesitances in his sober, brilliantly green eyes confused me as he ran a hand through his tousled hair. "So. . .I, uh, was wondering if," he surprisingly held my gaze and didn't look down for once, though the intent that he really wanted to was there. But he didn't. "I was taking Seth to go and get ice cream after school. . ." he paused, his hand now rubbing the back of his neck. "And yeah. He wants you to come." He then dropped his gaze to the floor.

I smirked at him, butterflies now forming rapidly in my stomach. "Does he now?"

My heart rate sped up as he glanced up at me through his long eyelashes, a small grin playing at his lips. "Yeah, he does."

Before he could notice my breathing become erratic, I began shoving my books and folders into my backpack. When I looked back at him, trying my absolute hardest to come off as calm, he was smirking at me. Like he could read right through my nonchalant impassiveness. And then a smug grin spread across his face and _Jesus Christ_ how does he do that? I swallowed. Hard. And then straightened my chin, gaining composure at how easily he seemed to think he could get to me. Okay, no. How easily he _could_ get to me. "Well, I guess," I finally answered with a shrug. "For Seth."

His smirk only grew. "For Seth," he repeated.

Since I had driven myself to school that morning, we agreed to just meet at Dairy Queen since Edward had to go home and pick up Seth. It was probably a good thing I was driving myself. One, I would have more time to take care of my hyperventilation issues. Two, Edward's driving scared me. Three, at the rate my heart was thundering every time I saw his eyes and how they weren't red for once, I would surely put myself into cardiac arrest.

The town of Forks was very limited in places to eat and shop which was why the few places they _did_ have were always so crowded. Since not everyone always wanted to endure the hour-long drive to Port Angeles simply to grab a quick bite to eat, people usually tended to stay within the comforts of town. Which roughly translated that parking was an absolute bitch.

I maneuvered my truck into a small parking space about a block away from where I was meeting Seth and Edward. It was an unusually warm day due to the sun's occasional appearance from behind the cotton candy-like white clouds. In no hurry, I walked to the small ice cream shop, sliding into one of the empty booths as I waited for them to arrive. I figured it wouldn't be too much of a wait due to Edward's ridiculous driving. Sure enough, five minutes later the two boys came walking in through the front doors.

Edward had on his old basketball hoodie – the one I had once borrowed, and a pair of dark blue jeans. He was grinning at Seth as the two went back and forth at nudging each other with their elbows. I watched with an unconsciously wide smile as Edward glanced up, his eyes somehow immediately meeting mine. Without so much as a flicker of hesitation, a relaxed smile spread across his face in response as he ruffled Seth's hair and led him in my direction.

When they approached my booth, Edward lightly shoved him in the shoulder before leaning down to loudly whisper in his ear, "Alright, big guy. Ask her."

He smirked, sliding into the other side of the booth right across from me. I tried to remember the last time I had ever seen him so. . .so _normal_, but came up short. Because there had never been a last time, and I had never been more glad that there was finally a first. Seth had both of his hands behind his back as he smiled shyly at me, swaying slightly back and forth. He stood there before finally taking a deep breath. I heard Edward snicker across from me. "Bella?" he asked, eyes twinkling.

"Yeah, Seth?"

A hopeful expression crossed his face as he finally revealed what he was hiding from behind his back. "Will you marry me?"

"Yes," I agreed, laughing loudly as he slid his Ring-Pop onto my finger with a huge smile.

I bent down, kissing his cheek. Edward held out his hand in exchange for a high-five which Seth enthusiastically returned. I patted the open space next to me for him to slide in which he quickly did. "Okay, but you can't marry me until I turn eighteen," he informed me matter-of-factly.

Since the small ice cream shop was keeping up with the old fashion pretenses of a diner, a waitress came and took our orders. I ordered a simple caramel sundae, Seth ordered a large strawberry shake, and Edward ordered some ridiculously large and extravagant cotton candy flavored ice cream cone. By the time she brought us our orders, I wasn't sure who was more amusing to watch – Seth's messy eating habits and his inability to keep his face from resembling someone who had just lost a food fight, or the expressions Edward made as he licked his ice cream cone in a totally inappropriate, suggestive matter.

In that short thirty-minute stretch I laughed more than I had in a long time. So did Edward. As Seth ate his ice cream with the most content smile on his face, Edward discussed Seth and mine's wedding plans.

"I'll definitely be the best man," he spoke through a mouth full of frozen dessert, his eyes alight with playfulness. A continuation of chills seemed to run throughout my body every time his eyes met mine. And it didn't escape my notice that not once had he ran a hand through his hair multiple times. _At any rate, he wouldn't end up being the best man_. _He would end up being my damn husband_.

I smirked, rolling my eyes as Seth did the same in response to his older brother's confident attitude on the matter. "What makes you think we wouldn't rather have Emmett?" I raised a challenging eyebrow.

He snorted as if the idea were utterly ridiculous, shaking his head as his cocky grin seemed to grow. "_Right_. Emmett." Again, he laughed at the mention of Emmett's name before a very capable, very _fake_ heartbreaking expression crossed his face as his eyes grew wide, turning to his little brother. I'm surprised he wasn't able to produce tears in that moment. "Really, little man? You'd really pick _Emmett_ over _me_?"

His acting fooled Seth who then promptly agreed that not only could Edward be the best man, but he also could be the ring bearer, the usher, the pianist (that one I didn't argue on), all the groomsmen, and even the freaking priest. Needless to say, Edward finished his stupid cotton candy ice cream with a more than pleased expression, remaining silent as he shot me a relentless amount of smug looks.

After the three of us were finally done, we exited the diner. Seth insisted that _Edward_ insisted that the two of them walk me to my truck, what with Forks having such a ridiculously high criminal rate and all. Seth walked between us, clasping on to each of our hands as he hopped over the cracks on the sidewalk. As happy as I was, I would have been just a little happier had I been maybe holding Edward's hand instead. If I hadn't known any better, he glanced at me a couple of times with an expression that said just that.

We were approaching the gas station I was parked near when Edward muttered a string of profanities under his breath as his whole body seemed to tense up. Before I could ask him what was wrong, a boy who looked to be around our age walked up to us. Well, walked up to Edward. They did that whole handshake that every guy knew – you know, the one where they grab each other's hand, pull each other in for a one-armed hug, pounding the other's back with their freehand. I watched the exchange, noticing the slight differences in Edward's face indicating that this was certainly not someone he had been hoping to run into.

"Cullen, man," the guy spoke, shaking his head with a smile. "Shit, when's the last time I saw your ass around?"

I cringed at his casual use of expletives right in front of young Seth. Edward mustered a grin in response. "Too long," he quipped, unable to hide a grimace which went unnoticed by pony-tail guy. "James, how've you been?"

_James_ didn't so much as acknowledge either Seth or I. I instinctively held Seth's hand a little tighter in mine, watching his cheerful face fall into a mask of fear. I didn't blame him – he was a scary looking guy. "Good, good," James responded casually before inclining an eyebrow. "Say, Vicky tells me you've been laying off lately. What gives, man? Missed my company so much you decided to go cold turkey?"

My interest was immediately peaked at the mention of Victoria. Edward's features seemed to be strained; his jaw clenched into a hard line as he tried to remain at ease. "Nah, man. I guess I've just started to lose interest." He shot me a glance and for a fraction of a second, an assuring smile. _Lose interest?_ _In drugs? _That had to be what they were talking about. I knew it was what they were talking about. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing come from his mouth. So he _was_ thinking about quiting?

A taken back look crossed James' face as he seemed as shocked with Edward's statement as I was. "Whoa, Ed. Seriously?" With a grimace, Edward nodded ever so slowly. "Dude, what the hell?" James laughed, slapping his hand across Edward's back. "You love weed more than you love pussy. You can't just. . .quit."

"I didn't say that," he mumbled, barely audible.

"Why don't you come to my place," James offered, "The gang and I were just gonna get together and survey the new stock. I got a new stash 'a coke! Come. Stop talking bullshit, and let's go!" he exclaimed excitedly. "Seriously, dude. You're freaking me out here." For the first time since James had approached us, his eyes finally scanned Seth and I. What did he do? He laughed. Loudly. Of course he did. "It's not like you have anything better to do."

Edward was gritting his teeth together, I could tell. And to my dismay, he ran a hand through his hair a couple of times as well. He appeared to be trying _really_ hard not to lose his temper. "No thanks, J. I really would rather not."

With his intentions to leave it at that, I was pleasantly surprised to say the least when he firmly grabbed a hold of my hand and began to pull us away. James, unfortunately, wasn't so keen at Edward's refusal and had to go and say the one thing that would push Edward past his limits.

"Whatever, douche. Have fun with your bitch girl and retarded brother."

Edward froze. I squeezed his hand as tight as I possibly could, silently praying that he would just ignore James' rude comment and continue walking. He didn't. "Edward, _don't_!" I hissed in a whisper before he tore away from my hand.

I watched in horror as his fist swiftly made contact with James' face. Twice. Furiously rubbing away the blood dripping from his nose, James responded by lunging for Edward. The two latched onto each others shoulders, shoving and cursing out the other as Edward continued to attack him. James fisted his hand into Edward's hair and roughly yanked his head back, shoving him harshly into the brick building beside them. "You little piece of shit!" James growled as he constricted his hands around Edward's neck, slamming his head into the wall. Edward responded by throwing a ridiculously powerful left-hook punch, his fist meeting James' left jaw. With James momentarily distracted, Edward was able to escape his choking attempts.

Without thinking I took several steps back from Edward, who was literally fuming. _If looks could kill_. . .Seth clung onto me from behind, making quite whimpering noises as he watched his furious brother through wide eyes. "Edward, stop!" I pleaded uselessly. He didn't even acknowledge that I had spoken.

While James was still recovering from the painful blow to his no doubt broken jaw, Edward took that as his advantage to use him as a punching bag once again. James was quick with responding though, and began throwing punches in exchange. I cringed as countless times his fist nearly made contact with Edward's pretty face, but Edward was seemingly lethal. He dodged every one. People walking nearby were shooting the two boys both concerned and dirty looks and I knew if they kept going at it like this, the police would no doubt show up.

And to _hell_ if I was going to be able to watch Charlie arrest Edward with a straight face.

With Seth still cowering behind me, I repeated Edward's name a couple of times but he failed to hear me. And I knew better than to try and separate them. I didn't know what exactly was going on in Edward's mind to possess him to be so violent. I did know that getting in his way would have not been in my best interest though. Because as it appeared, he didn't care what he hit as long as he hit _something_.

Then Edward slammed James up against the brick wall. In one swift movement, he reached into the back pocket of his jeans and was suddenly holding a small blade of a pocket knife up to James' neck. For a moment, James' eyes grew wide. . .before they narrowed and he suddenly grabbed a hold of Edward's wrist, twisting it around so that the small knife fell from his grasp and that the front of his body was now being shoved roughly against it. As Edward struggled to get free once again, James took that as his opportunity to give him a really solid punch to his side. Edward let out a frustrated growl, gaining the strength to shove James off of him. James instantly backed up a few steps, both of his hands in the air.

Edward was glaring at him with the most furious look I had ever seen. It was terrifying. _I_ was scared. As he took a step towards James, I took a step back. His chest heaved, rising and falling as he gasped wildly for air. With his fists balled up at his sides, he took one more step. "_Go_," he growled angrily. When James didn't immediately respond, his voice rose. "Get the _fuck_ outta here!"

James simply glared at him for a moment more before silently turning on his heel and storming in the opposite direction. Edward never looked away until he was completely out of sight.

Then, painfully slow, he turned to me.

As his breathing gradually became normal, our eyes locked for a long moment. His instantly softened at the sight of mine and he instinctively took a step towards us. When he did, Seth squeezed my hand, letting out a quiet whimper. As soon as this happened, Edward staggered backwards as if he had been stabbed. His eyes were huge at the realization of what he had just done. . .in front of Seth. In front of me. Then, they slowly fell shut and his whole body began to tremble. Keeping Seth behind me, I reached out to touch him, but he flinched back before I could. Noticing the cut at his hairline, I realized that I needed to take care of him before he got worse. And by worse I didn't mean the cut. If I didn't talk him out of blaming himself soon, it would be hell for him. It already was.

But then there was the issue of Seth. I sighed, reaching into my purse before digging out the keys to my house. "Here," I reached for his stiff hand, placing them in it. He opened his eyes in confusion. "I'll take Seth home, okay? Go back to my house and wait for me." Before he turned, I stopped him, placing a hand firmly on his broad shoulder. "The towels are under the sink. Get it damp and keep it on your head until I get there. _Please_."

All I received was a sad nod in return before he sauntered off towards his car.

I held tightly on to Seth's hand, pulling him along with me as we crossed the street to my truck. He didn't say anything, and neither did I. At least, until I felt it was absolutely necessary. "Seth," I took a deep breath as I pulled into his driveway. "Don't be scared of Edward. He was just protecting you."

As it turns out, Esme was the only one at the house when I dropped Seth off. I thanked my lucky stars it hadn't been Alice as I explained to Esme in brief detail of what happened. Well, sorta what happened. . .I ran into Edward and Seth, Edward ran into an old friend, I volunteered to take Seth home. Yeah. Good times. She thanked me, giving me a warm hug before I hurried home to where I hoped and _prayed_ Edward would be.

A sigh of relief escaped me when I saw his Volvo parked out by the curve. Quickly pulling in, I turned off the ignition and hurried inside. I found him lying on the couch, both hands covering his face as they rubbed tiredly at his sore eyes. I frowned when I realized he hadn't followed my instructions. He didn't acknowledge that he had heard me coming in, so I went over to the sink and quietly wet a clean towel for his injury. I silently sat down on the floor beside the couch, not saying anything as I began lightly dabbing at his cut.

His hands remained covering his face for a long time while I tenderly cleaned his cut and neither of us said anything. Eventually, he slowly moved his hands from his eyes. He looked up at me, still not saying a word as I watched his chest rise and fall. "Does anything else hurt?" I whispered tentatively.

A small, crooked smile cracked at his lips. "Haven't we done this before?" he sighed as the weak smile fell, taken over by a frown. "Bella, you don't have to do this for me. I sure as fuck don't deserve it." Since it was only minor and the bleeding had stopped, I removed my hand and the small towel, placing it on the coffee table next to me. "I don't. . .know what happened back there. It just. . .did."

For once instead of worrying about the consequences of my actions, I just did what I wanted to. I reached my hand out, running my fingers gently through his soft hair so that he couldn't pull at it like I knew he wanted to. "It's fine," I assured him quietly. Because it was. He didn't need to explain himself – I had saw what happened and if anything, I was proud of him. He had stood up for his little brother. No, it may not have been the best solution by means of doing it, but he had. And that hardly deserved the death penalty.

Apparently, he didn't agree. He sighed, "No, it's not."

"Edward, it's okay. _You're_ okay," I repeated. My voice was calm and steady because for once, I wasn't nervous around him. Since he never protested, my hand continued gently stroking his copper strands back from his face. "It's okay."

He grimaced before clenching both his eyes and teeth shut. "God, it's not," he retorted bitterly. "You wanna know the truth? I've _tried_ medications before. I really have, but god, they never _work_. They make it so much fucking worse," he paused for a long moment before letting out a long, frustrated sigh. "I don't have anyone. Emmett won't talk to me, Carlisle and Esme wanna send me away the first chance they get so they won't have to deal with me, Seth is fucking _terrified_ of me now, Alice has rightfully given up, Jazz hates me for making her cry, and Rosalie's never liked me to begin with."

I swallowed nervously, my hand never ceasing its movements. "You have me."

His eyes flashed open, the intensity of the green startling me. He didn't say anything for a long while before finally, he grimaced. "You don't wanna be with me," he whispered sadly.

I thought we had gotten past that. That I had finally been able to convince him that I was in this for the long run, but I guess not. Because the scary thing was, I _did_ want to be with him. And this time, it wasn't just because I wanted to help him get better. It was because I wanted him to look at me like I was more than just someone to talk to. I wanted him to come to me because he simply wanted to be with me just for the sake of being together, rather than to uncover more heartache from his past. I wanted to be the someone Edward Cullen wanted, and I most certainly did want to be with him.

By the way Edward was looking at me, I _knew_ my heartbeat must have been audible. His green eyes pierced into mine, dark and intense, at the same moment his right arm slowly reached out, tangling his fingers into the hair on the back of my head. I never broke his gaze as I carefully began to incline my face towards his. I tried to remember how to breathe as his hand lightly helped guide my face to his. He rested his forehead on mine, the tips of his hair tickling my face as we remained still for a few moments.

Our lips were soft when they came together, and parted instantly. Edward's mouth insisted I keep going, demanding more from mine as his tongue swept over my bottom lip. We kept it slow at first, simply moving our mouths together and enjoying the sensations that came with it. He pulled away for a moment, and I watched in silent awe as he swallowed hard, his Adam apple bobbing in response. When I leaned forward once again to meet his lips, he pulled his head back so I couldn't.

Biting my lip, I dejectedly fell back onto my spot on the floor, raising my eyebrow in confusion. "I should get going," he explained, slowly sitting up before running a hand through his hair. "I need to talk to Seth. Or at least try."

I didn't have it in me to be totally upset about his abrupt departure because it was for good reason. "Okay," I responded quietly, getting up off the floor. "Um, email me later and tell me how it goes." I fiddled with the sleeves of my shirt, staring down at the ground as I felt his eyes on me. "Or you could call too."

I heard him stand up but didn't chance a glance because I was too nervous about how he had taken my suggestion. Hearing his voice would be so much more fulfilling than simply reading his carefully constructed words on a screen. Before I could register what was happening, he leaned down and pressed his lips softly against my forehead. The lingered there for a few moments, "I could call," he echoed my words. "Okay."

And then, he turned and left out the front door. With my heart still racing wildly in my chest, I let myself fall onto the couch as I shut my eyes with a smile, rerunning the last couple of hours in my head.

I remembered Charlie telling me before I left for school that morning that he would be home for dinner at six. And since his presence for dinner was such a rare occasion, I always took it as the opportunity to impress him with my culinary skills and ability to find my way around the kitchen. After a few minutes of indecisive pondering, I finally decided on Mexican stir fry – one of his favorite meals.

After I finished cooking everything, I set the table for two and placed a can of beer next to his plate, knowing it'd be the first thing he'd want after the long day of work. But as six rolled around, he never showed up. I grew depressed as my meal slowly grew cold.

_Six-ten, six-fifteen, six-twenty_. . .

Just then, he came in through the garage door looking utterly exhausted. His eyes glanced from me to the meal I had prepared to him back to me before he frowned apologetically. "Sorry, Bells. Damn drug bust kept me later than I had planned. This looks _great_!" He rubbed his hands together in anticipation before sliding his chair out and sitting down on it. I grinned as he began piling everything onto his plate. Taking a bite out of the stir fry, he mused, "You know what I don't understand? Why kids choose to ruin their lives with drugs."

_Tell me about it, Dad._ "Yeah," I agreed grimly.

He shoved another forkful into his mouth. "I mean, it's one thing to smoke tobacco, but the other stuff out there. . .that's just a _whole_ different story."

Score another for my father. Not only was his curiosity to question why anyone would willingly put that kind of crap into their system perfectly justifiable, but the fact that he was frustrated was a whole another thing. If my dad and I ever related to anything before, it was nothing compared to this. If only he knew how right he was. I took a drink from my glass of milk. "Yeah, weed's pretty bad, isn't it?"

He shrugged, swallowing. "Not really. Not compared to cocaine or heroine."

This peaked my curiosity. Not really? Edward's symptoms sure didn't fit into the category of pot being _not that bad_. Huh. "How so?"

He eyed me suspiciously, "You seem awfully interested in the subject, Bells."

I rolled my eyes at his implications. "Not interested. Just curious, I guess."

"Well," he began, dishing himself another serving. "For starters, weed's not exactly addicting. I mean it _is_, but not really. Anyone smoking it can just as easily get off of it as they got on it. It also has the least amount of symptoms and its affects last the shortest. This is really good, by the way, Bells," he appraised with his mouth full.

I smile in response, continuing to press the subject for some reason. "Wait, but doesn't it cause really bad mood swings or something?" Cause if _that_ wasn't at least the case, I was about to be seriously disturbed.

He shrugged again. "Eh, not really. The main reason people use it is to calm themselves down. To relax. I mean, a little irritation is normal here and there but not a whole lot of drastic behavioral differences."

Okay, a _little_ irritation? My head became foggy with confusion as I pondered on Charlie's explanation. Edward was never just _a little_ irritated. And his mood was always jumping from happy, to sad, to angry, to sad, and so on. All of this just didn't seem to fit. . .The pieces weren't where they belonged.

If it wasn't marijuana, then what. . .

Oh.

_Oh_.

I dropped my fork, resulting in a loud noise as it made contact with my plate. Charlie had given me my last piece. And just like that, I was able to put Edward's puzzle together.

Mood swings. I had always thought they were very evident when using drugs. I had always thought that was it. I had always been _so_ sure that Edward's happy side, Edward's angry side, Edward's sad side, and even Edward's crazy side had been the sure productivity of a good dose of weed. That's not what had caused any of those sides at all though. It had never been the drugs. The only thing the drugs had done had been amplifying the problem, in a way. Because I had had it all wrong.

With crashing realization, everything suddenly fell into place in perfect clarity. I went over it again in my mind, several times to make sure my revelations really were as accurate as I thought they were. Edward's drug abuse, his tendency to skip school so often, his inability to focus, his erratic, roller coaster emotions. It all made an overwhelming amount of sense. It wasn't that Edward didn't want to move on. It was that he _couldn't_. There was a reason the medication always seemed to fail him. Edward was misdiagnosed. Edward wasn't just depressed like everyone assumed him to be.

Edward was _bipolar_.

* * *

_Torn apart at the seams and my dreams turn to tears;  
I'm not feeling this situation.  
Run away, try to find that safe place you can hide,  
it's the best place to be when you're feeling like..._

_Me (Me)  
Yeah (Yeah)  
All these things I hate revolve around;  
Me (Me)  
Yeah (Yeah)  
Just back up before I snap.  
_- All These Things I Hate, Bullet For My Valentine

**A review would be the best birthday present ever. (:**


	18. Epiphany

**A/N: I've already kept you guys waiting enough, so I won't make you sit through a long author's note. BUT, I'll quickly say this - all of your reviews brighten my freaking life. I find myself constantly reading through them. And re-reading them. And reading them again after that. So yeah. To put it lightly, I love you all.**

**And MB, I love YOU for putting up with my crazy/boring life all the time. Just saying.**

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How had I never even thought of that before?

How had I been so incredibly _stupid_?

It just. . .all made sense now. Kind of.

Ignoring Charlie's concerned glances, I finished my meal and loaded my plate into the dishwasher before he could so much as blink. Of course, I did my best at appearing calm but in all honesty, I knew I wasn't fooling anyone. After that I found myself sprinting upstairs, frantically turning on my laptop. I laid on my stomach on my bed, impatiently waiting for Windows to open up. Once it did, I glanced to see if I had any new emails, which I didn't. Then, despite the ridiculousness of my antics, I pulled up Google so that I could look further into my revelations. My fingers shook as I cautiously typed in _symptoms of bipolar disorder_.

I was immediately overwhelmed by the results I found. No, not of the results. Of the _confirmations_. Certain phrases jumped out at me, some symptoms caught my eye, and different sentences held so much in common as to what Edward was dealing with than I was willing to admit.

"_Mood shifts many only occur only a few times a year, or as often as several times a day_."

Edward's "mood shifts" occurred so often that "several times a day" was putting it lightly. His mood swings were so prominent that I began to worry that wasn't normal for the disorder. What if something was even more wrong with him than just this?

I mentally checked off mood swings as a reason to believe he was bipolar. I mean, he was angry one minute, laughing at me the next, heartbreakingly upset five minutes later, and then normal for a few short minutes of perfection. And those were just a few off the top of my head of the many that he consisted of.

"–_causes mood swings that range from of the lows of depression to the highs of mania."_

It was obvious that depression was something that he suffered from everyday. That was a no brainer. When I thought about the mania part, something suddenly made a whole lot more sense than I ever expected it would.

At the party. Yes, Edward had been on cocaine. But he had also been _manic_. All the crazy mumbling, all the confusingly off behavior. I also wanted to believe that the whole incident where he had cut himself had also been the productivity of mania, but something in me told me that had been Edward's decision without the drugs or the disorder.

What scared me more though, was just how much accuracy all of these different websites held.

"_Some people with bipolar disorder turn to alcohol and drugs because they feel temporarily better when they're high. But using alcohol and drugs can have disastrous results for people with bipolar disorder. Substance abuse can actually make the symptoms worse, as well as making the condition hard for doctors to diagnose."_

I stared at the screen for a long moment. So the drugs had made things worse. But not in a way I had initially thought. Because that meant if Edward was depressed, Edward on pot would make him ten times worse than he already was. And vice versa with all his other moods.

Which meant I had a big problem.

Rather _he_ had a big problem.

Very clearly in my head, I remembered back to the conversation Edward and I had had in the rain that one afternoon. All the things he had said that hadn't made sense, things that had been desperately confusing to both of us at the time. All those little pieces he had shared with me. All of it fit together in overwhelming perfection.

_Some days I feel nothing. . .and then some days it just comes out of fucking nowhere._

Of course it came out of nowhere. That was what bipolar disorder was.

_And I don't know why. I never know why._

Well now one of us did.

I must have spent hours on that stupid laptop browsing through site after site, only proving what I was already sure of. I fought a losing battle for keeping my eyes open for a long time before finally giving in and closing them for a few minutes. A few minutes turning into a few hours. With my head uncomfortably resting on the flat keyboard as a pillow, I awoke later to the annoyingly familiar sound of bells and music.

I groggily blinked my eyes a few time, raising my head as I tried to identify the source of the god-awful music. When I finally realized it was coming from my cell phone, I quickly retrieved it from off my bedside table.

My heart embarrassingly skipped a beat as I glanced at the screen to check the caller ID. "Hello?" I answered cautiously, my voice cracking from sleep.

He must have turned away from the phone. "Shit," I heard him curse before his voice was completely clear. "I didn't wake you up, did I?"

I glanced at the clock. 1:04. _No, of course you didn't wake me up_. _I typically spend my nights the same as an owl would_. I rolled my eyes, chuckling quietly. "No, I was just finishing the rest of my homework," I lied smoothly.

"Oh," was his response. "Okay." I bit my lip, waiting for him to say something else. I mean, he had to have a reason for calling this late. I heard him sigh on the other end of the line and I could picture him in my head running his hand through his hair, bouncing his foot. "I, uh, yeah. I thought I'd call you," he explained, his words rushed. "Cause you told me to."

Oh yeah. I had told him that, hadn't I? Again, I bit my lip. Only this time it was to keep anything unwanted from escaping my mouth. And by unwanted I meant something along the lines of _Oh hey, Edward! So I think there's something seriously wrong with you. Yeah. I think you're bipolar. I was just up researching it for hours. So yeah. Sleep well!_

That would _not_ go over well.

In fact, I realized at that moment that I really wasn't sure how I was supposed to casually bring up the topic as being a possibility to him. Knowing him, his reaction to my newly found information would most likely not be taken too well. Even though at this point, it was only a matter of a little more careful observation before I was absolutely certain that bipolar disorder was the case.

I realized I had to respond and quickly broke the silence in a curious but careful whisper. "So how did things go?"

When he spoke his voice was uneasy. "Be honest, Bella. How long do you think it's gonna take for him to realize I'm not some psychotic killer?" There was not a hint of a smile in his voice – only sadness. My heart clenched. So I took that as _badly_.

"Not long," I assured him hopefully. "He loves you. Everything's gonna be okay."

He didn't respond for a long moment. As I held the phone to my ear, I one-handedly changed into a pair of clean pajamas. "Yeah," I heard him sigh, exhaustion evident. "Okay."

Before turning off my laptop, I glanced at the last website I had been on before I fell asleep. One line in particular jumped out at me before I closed it.

"_Environmental factors may play a role in bipolar disorder. For some teens, stresses such as a death in the family, their parents' divorce or other traumatic events could trigger a first episode of mania or depression."_

Death of family.

Another spot-on conformation.

I think the reason I had been so blind all along, like everyone else, was because Edward did a good job at masking himself off. But another thing one of the websites had said was that when people who were bipolar steadily turned to drugs, it was extremely difficult for those around them to recognize any of the symptoms. Which explained why Carlisle, _the doctor_, had not yet made such conclusions. But I was right. I knew I was. Because do you ever get that pit in your stomach? The one confirming something you don't want to be confirmed? Something you're not willing to accept? Well yeah. That pit was definitely there, very clearly planted in my stomach.

"Today was a bad day, wasn't it?" I questioned him sadly, not wanting to have to hear his explanation prove my theory to be any more right than I knew it already was.

There was a long pause. "It was all over the place," he admitted grimly. "But when the fuck isn't it?" his voice grew frustrated. "I mean, this morning I wake up and it's like I don't even have it in me to fucking move. And then I do go to school, and you're there, and I act like an asshole." I pictured him pacing around his room, his hands relentless abusing his copper strands of hair. "And then I actually feel good for a little bit because there's something about you that _makes_ me feel good, and then I don't know what the hell happened," he finished, fast and angry. "Fucking James. . .God, I didn't mean to lose it like that. It just happened."

Once again, I was stunned into silence wondering how it had been humanly possible for me to be so blind with a set of such perfectly capable eyes. But momentarily distracted by a certain piece he had shared with me about his day, I was able to forget about the rest of it.

_There's something about you that makes me feel good_.

I smiled to myself.

And then frowned, because there it was again, staring at me in the face. I had to say something. _You're bipolar_. But I couldn't. _You're bipolar_. Because what if he wasn't? _You're bipolar_. Even though I was sure he was. _You're bipolar_.

"It's okay, Edward," I finally assured him once again, "I know you didn't mean to. We all have bad days."

He chuckled softly, and I wished I could see the smile I heard in his voice. "Yeah, but we don't all have someone who's able to make them better. I guess I'm just lucky, huh?"

I smiled so widely my face hurt. "I guess you are."

-oOo-

Throughout the rest of the week, I struggled with my resolve on whether or not I should mention anything to Edward about his disorder. I saw pros and cons to each side, but if I was being honest, mostly just cons. At this point, his reaction was what I was worried most about. I mean, why would anyone react well to being told _that_? Then there was the fact that he would most likely just decline any offerings of _special_ medication, not just anti-depressants anymore, that was ultimately going to be the only thing that would help him from this point on.

In my hours of continuous research on the matter, I had learned so much on the subject that I was fairly certain I was damn near being able to become a specialist on it myself. One of the many things I had learned was that bipolar disorder wasn't something that just went away. Even with the proper treatment plan, even though it was possible for it to become decreasingly worse, he would always have it. Which was just another thing I had to add to my list of cons when telling him this.

He was reluctant to get medication before – why would he suddenly agree to it now? The fact that he would be required to take _numerous_ medications a day was also not something to smile about in his case.

Which was why I wouldn't say anything about it until I found the perfect time and was sure it was something he could handle hearing. Because at this point, I was ninety-nine point five percent sure that bipolar disorder was the case. I needed that other point five percent before I could tell him with confidence.

At the moment though, I was just content with how things seemed to be going. Even though I was unsure of what had caused him to finally start thinking of me as someone to talk to, I took it in strides with the knowledge that I had finally done something right. Whatever that was. Because lately, ever since Thanksgiving night, things seemed to finally be changing. At least a little.

Like in class, for example. It was now a regular occurrence to have a conversation with him in Biology. He was starting to show up more. Instead of skipping three days a week, he was only skipping one. He was beginning to be more honest with me about his smoking habits, one of his confessions being that ever since that night at the piano, he had been smoking a whole lot less than normal. Still sometimes, but not as much.

I knew it was wistful thinking for me to believe that his sudden progress had everything to do with me, because for all I knew, it may have just been another one of his sides. I could never get fully used to the way he would send me sideways smiles in English due to the knowledge that come the next day, that smile might very well have left with the promise of no return for a long period of time.

But I would be lying if I said I wasn't happier than I had been the whole year. Even Alice commented on how I seemed more lifelike lately. I had ignored her suspicious questions on why the change in demeanor suddenly, rather liking the idea of having a secret to keep with Edward.

It only added to my happiness that Alice seemed to remain oblivious to our progressing _friendship_.

I used the word lightly.

Because friends typically didn't make-out with each other.

A part of me realized I should have been upset that the times Edward was most lively were the times we were kissing. But how the hell was I supposed to be upset about something like _that_? I could hardly feel guilty about the occasional days where he'd come over after school and we'd do. . .homework. _Not_ each other. But yeah. I never complained when he got distracted. Even if I was the distraction.

But even after all of these small improvements, we would always somehow end up back at square one.

I should have been more smart – I should have realized that he had been smoking earlier that day and that his attitude was completely unreasonable before I brought up the stupid subject. We had been working on an assignment for Bio in my living room when the subject strayed away from cellular reconstruction.

I don't know why I chose to bring it up. Maybe it was because I knew that even though he seemed to be getting slightly better, it was no use in avoiding the main problem by pretending it didn't exist. Because on top of the whole bipolar issue, there was still the mystery of his relationship with his parents _after_ they died.

I knew what it had been like beforehand – they had pushed him too hard, forcing perfection on him when really, no one could ever achieve such a thing. He had been angry at them for that; he still _was_ angry at them for that. But that still didn't answer my questions as to why he chose to burden himself with the fault of their deaths. Why he chose to visit them at the cemetery every Sunday morning.

"Is it guilt then?" I hedged, setting my pencil down before glancing up at him.

He narrowed his eyes, never removing them from his Biology book as he answered sharply, "I don't fucking know."

I sighed, frustrated. "Edward, I don't understand."

"Yeah?" he gritted through his teeth, slamming his book shut. "Join the fucking club. 'Cause guess what?" he angled his face in the direction of mine, still glaring. "I am well aware of how severely fucked I am, but thank you, Bella, for continuing to be your usual intuitive self."

I guess I had picked the wrong day to bring up something like this. I cowered back slightly in response to the harshness of his tone. "I'm just trying to help," I explained quietly, repeatedly twisting and untwisting my hands together.

"Why?" he snapped.

I rose my chin, defiantly meeting his cold gaze, speaking with determined confidence. "Because even though you don't believe it, you deserve so much more than what you've settled for."

He dropped his gaze down to the closed book on his lap. "I don't deserve anything," he muttered under his breath.

This was so far beyond ridiculous that it was laughable. I knew he couldn't really help it, but at the same time, he could at least _try_. "God," I shook my head, "will you just give it a rest with that already? You have no idea how frustrating that is. Your insistence to refuse any sort of help."

He chuckled once, loud and humorlessly. "I'm frustrating you?" his voice was incredulous and bitter. "_I'm _frustrating _you_. Well of course I am. It's what I do best, isn't it?"

I wanted to scream. "Edward, I'm _trying_."

"Trying what?" he retorted angrily.

And then, I was done. If he wanted to know, I would tell him. I was so sick of walking on such thin lines around him. Always biting my lip and holding my opinions the majority of the time for _his_ sake. But I was done catering to what he thought he needed. Because it was time for me to cater to what he _did_ need. "To be there for you!" It was like every single step of progress had just been shattered. Did he not remember any of the conversations we had had before?

"Even though you'd never admit it to anyone, I know you need somebody. Deep down, behind all those stupid walls you've built, a part of you is dying to feel something better than the hell you have been for the past year." By the time I was done, he was staring at me with a blank expression. He didn't respond. "So there," I breathed. "I said it."

Slowly his face came back to life. "What makes you think you're so right?" he challenged, "You don't know me."

Was he serious? I didn't _know_ him? I couldn't believe we were back to that. I couldn't. . .until I remembered the magnitude of the situation. This may have just been one of his moods. And as frustrating as that might have been, I had to accept it. I also had to be patient with him, as hard as _that_ might have been.

"No, I don't," I agreed with him for arguments sake. "I only know the person you want everyone to see," I shut my eyes momentarily, taking a deep breath. "And I'm so sick of seeing that person."

A twisted, bitter smile appeared at his lips as his gaze directed itself out the window. "Yeah? Well get used to him, 'cause he's here to stay."

I sighed sadly, not speaking for a long moment before tentatively moving myself closer to him on the couch. "Is that what you want?" I whispered, carefully reaching out to brush back the few loose strands that had fallen over his eyes. "Is that really what you want?"

He slowly shut his eyes as he clenched his jaw tightly shut. It seemed like ages before he finally answered. He silently positioned himself so that we were now facing each other before he blinked his eyes back open. "No."

A small smile filtered at my lips, "Good." And then I hugged him. Hugged him so tightly that it hurt. After a few seconds, he hugged back. And that was the end of the conversation. Because all that mattered was that, for once, I was able to pull him out of it without either of us running away.

-oOo-

Much to my dismay, I woke up Monday morning with the light coming from behind the shades over my window to be brighter than usual. At first I thought it was the sun. Excited, I opened them to discover an inch of snow covering everywhere. And there went my excitement. I mean, yeah. Snow _looked_ nice. It looked beautiful. But that was about all it had going on for it. Because it was cold, wet, and dangerous.

Alice picked me up that morning and when we got to school, snowballs were being thrown freely amongst the student body in the not-so-car-safe parking lot. Alice's pretty yellow Porsche almost became a pretty yellow piece of scrap metal upon the incident of almost being T-ed by Tyler's massive van.

Everyone seemed jumpy about the fresh snow fall and it was hard watching the way virtually no one could sit still in their seats. It was like a class full of Edwards everywhere I went. Only adding to the excitement was the over-hyped Winter Formal that was approaching in just a couple of weeks.

Besides the playful snowball fight Mike attempted to start with me, the day was uneventful. Edward and I didn't talk in Bio at all since Mrs. Snow decided it'd be appropriate that we watch an hour-long movie on how certain animals adapted to the snow. _Snow_. I swear, you'd think the president was in town or something by the reaction these people had to the damn forecast.

I rode with Alice to her house after school. She chatted happily away about her grand plans for the Winter Formal while I nodded and smiled in the appropriate parts. Naturally she brought up the fact that Mike was planning on asking me. _Great_.

Edward's Volvo was already parked in the driveway when we pulled up, probably due to his insanely ridiculous driving. I guess I was just happy he at least was sober while he broke every traffic law there was. I was also happy that I hadn't been subjected into riding home with him. He _had_ offered. But then I reminded him about Alice, and he agreed that his cousin didn't need to be educated on the nature of our rendezvous. Since she was still living in her fantasy world where a perfect couple meant me and Mike, I figured we didn't really have to worry.

As we were walking up her front stairs, I lost my footing on the ice and rolled my ankle, resulting in a painful fall to the hard cement. To sum up the situation – my foot felt like it was on fire and I hated the snow so much more than I had earlier that morning.

Little Alice tried pulling me off the ground, but that was just the problem. . .she was _Little _Alice. I was pretty sure I hadn't broken anything – I mean, I'd broken bones before and it hurt a lot worse than this – but I still was unable to get up. Unaware as she proved how much more coordinated she was than me while stealthily dashing up the stairs I had just tripped on, she opened the front door, poked her head through it and yelled, "Edward!" as loud as she could.

I sat there wanting to dive into the nearest snowbank before he came out and saw me like this. Mortified, I crossed my fingers and prayed that he kept up appearances, did what he did best, and ignored her. Alice crouched down next to me, concern masking her face. "Bella, oh my God, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine–" I began but was cut off by Edward who appeared in the doorway.

He glanced at the two of us, rolled his eyes when he assessed the situation, and quickly put on his irritated facade just before Alice spun around to notice him standing there. She narrowed her eyes in an accusatory manner. "Listen," she began, her tone menacing. "I know you don't like her, and she doesn't like you, but seriously, get over yourself long enough to help her inside."

I watched as the corners of his lips fought back a smirk. "Yes ma'am," he bobbed his head obediently before equally as graceful as Alice, he darted down the lethally icy stairs. He bent down beside me. Since his face was hidden from Alice's view, he shot me a crooked grin and a wink before carefully scooping me up in his arms bridal style. I clung tightly to his thin T-shirt, my only drive not to kiss him was standing next to us, eyeing us suspiciously as Edward climbed the stairs with me in his arms. I swear, he got stronger every time I saw him. You would have thought I weighed ten pounds instead of a hundred by the way he effortlessly carried me into the house.

Alice, too worried about my well-being to notice the smirks Edward and I were shooting back and forth to each other, ordered him to bring me into the living room and set me down on the couch. She didn't need to worry about me. I was in capable hands. Literally.

"See," she crossed her arms, still glaring at her cousin. "You don't need to act like a douche to her all the time, do you?"

He resisted the urge to roll his eyes, I imagined, before shaking his head, chuckling, and disappearing out of the room. Alice watched after him in confusion before dismissing her thoughts all together and retrieving an ice bag.

Carlisle came home shortly after, declared my ankle to be only a minor sprain, and gave me a brace he insisted wouldn't affect my walking. With the recommendation of staying off my foot for the night, I decided to have Alice drive home and work on my homework there so she wouldn't have to waste all of her time worrying about me. Because really, I was completely fine.

After listening to Charlie's brief message on my phone about not being home until later tonight, we drove to my house. Pulling into the empty driveway, she checked one last time to make sure I was okay before pulling right back out and waving goodbye.

I began limping my way over to the front door when suddenly, Edward came bounding down the stairs. I glanced around for his car until I realized he had probably parked it a block away like he usually did. He wore a wide smile as he ran at me, effortlessly scooping me into his arms for the second time that afternoon. "I could throw you in the snow, you know," he whispered, his playful threat causing me to giggle. He placed a hot kiss right below my earlobe, sending a convulsion of shivers throughout my body before pulling back, his eyebrows knitting together in concern. "Didn't Carlisle tell you to stay off your foot?"

His arms tightened around me as he began walking up the stairs. "The key's under the mat," I told him before explaining with a shrug, "I really don't think hopping would have prevented me from doing the same with the other one."

Unlocking the door, he rolled his eyes, stepping inside. "Only you, Bella."

"You're in a good mood," I observed with a smile as he carried me through the entry way and into the living room.

He set me down on the couch so that I was sitting in an upright position. Placing his hands on the couch behind me on either side of my head, he hovered over me, slowly licking his lips with a smile as he began leaning in towards my face. "I guess I am."

I eagerly brought my hands up to his hair, fisting them into the copper strands as his lips found mine. He sucked frantically on my bottom lip as I swiped my tongue over his top. In response, his hands moved down to grip my waist, pulling me into the standing position momentarily before in one quick movement, we switched spots. Straddling his lap, I fisted one hand into his hair while the over gripped on tightly to his broad shoulder. As his lips remained urgently on mine, one of his hands tangled itself through my hair until it was resting firmly on the back of my neck. The other constricted itself around my waist until his palm rested over my navel.

Without thinking, I grounded my hips into his, earning a rumble that vibrated through his throat as he lightly bit down on my bottom lip. The hand resting over my stomach and clothes began moving in slow circles until it stopped completely. Ever so slowly, he slid his hand under the thin layer of fabric. I gasped into his mouth as his finger trailed lazy circles over my abdomen.

Just as this kiss escalated even further, the doorbell rang. "Shit," Edward cursed angrily as he pulled back. His eyes widened as he eyed me with concern. "Should I be here?"

Trying to calm my breathing down to a reasonable pace, I grudgingly got off his lap with a frown. "It's not that you _shouldn't_ be here, it's just that I'm not sure who's at the door. . ." I trailed off, biting my lip.

He stood up too, nodding his head. "Got it. I'll just grab a snack from the kitchen or something."

I smiled, "There's hot chocolate in the top cupboard." I laughed in amusement as his face lit up before he turned and disappeared into the kitchen.

I slowly limped over to the door, turning the knob and swinging it open. My smile immediately fell. My stomach dropped. It felt like the room was spinning. Alice gazed at me for a long moment with an expression so much colder than the snow outside.

"We need to talk."

* * *

_Beat but I'm not broken,_  
_Guide me through with your hand._  
_Lead with your words spoken,_  
_Show me how to listen._

_Let your light shine through me,_  
_Take this hate I can't release._  
_Help me make the blind see,_  
_Misery loves its company._  
- Misery Loves Its Company, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

**Yeah, I realize I'm asking for the death sentence by leaving you all with yet another cliffy.**

**If you're not _too_ angry with me though, I would love a review. (;**


	19. Hope

**A/N: Happy Sunday, guys! Hope you all had a weekend that was as fabulous as yourselves. (; So I have to say, you all continue to blow me away with your reviews. I love hearing from all of you _so insanely much_, and I seriously can't thank you enough.**

**I'll explain/answer something quick before I let you go. So the whole Bella telling someone about her bipolar discovery? A lot of you have been wonering things like why doesn't she tell Edward, why doesn't she tell at least Carlisle, etc. etc. Well my answer to that is imagine yourself in Bella's situation. She doesn't want to betray him by telling Carlisle - she wants to tell Edward, but she's terrified that he'll be furious with her. So just wait and see what happens, bbs, 'cause I promise you she won't stay silent for too long.**

**And last but most certainly not least, a huge thanks as always to Mary Beth who is so amazing I can't even describe it.**

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_"We need to talk."_

I opened my mouth, searching for something, _anything_, to escape from this horrifying situation. Tripping over the words that I couldn't find, I just closed my mouth all together and stepped aside, silently implying for her to enter. My face most likely resembled a deer in headlights.

The grim line of her mouth and the cold stare she was currently giving me refused to falter. As she strolled past me and into the house, even the way she _walked_ appeared to be angry, her normally graceful gait replaced with stomping loudness. I brought my hands up to my temples, rubbing them stressfully while I slowly followed behind. This was _not_ happening, my mind screamed frantically. But it so was, and I wanted to just spare her the trouble and go dig my own, deserved grave. I stumbled over my own feet several times before we entered the living room and she curtly perched herself at the edge of the couch, her back ramrod straight.

"Edward Anthony, I know you're here," she yelled loudly for him, her tone icy sharp as her angry stare remained on me. "If I were you, I'd make an appearance in the next five seconds or else thi–"

"Alice, shut the hell up, they have neighbors," he chuckled irritatedly, shaking his head as he raked a hand through his recently mussed hair while he cautiously walked back into the room. I would have smiled proudly to myself at the knowledge that for once, his reckless hands weren't the only pair to have caused it to be unusually messy. But I restrained myself, because Alice was pissed enough as it was. No need to add fuel to the already uncontrollable fire.

As I sat down with a reasonable amount of space next to Alice, Edward plopped himself down onto the recliner. When I darted my eyes unwillingly to his, I found him smirking in my direction. I shot him an irritated look before nervously glancing back at Alice. She remained steadily containing the hostility on her face, staring down at her nails as she picked at them.

"So sorry for the interruption," she announced in the most unapologetic, detached tone I had ever heard come from her. "But I just came to say hi to my friend. I mean, I know you might not remember me, Bella. I'm Alice Cullen." She suddenly snapped her eyes up to mine with a cheery, happy, completely fake smile. She held a hand out, waiting for me to shake it.

I stared at for a long moment, frowning. "Alice, come on. You know it's not like that."

Her smile tightened. "No, I don't know that it's not like that. I don't apparently know what anything's like anymore." I opened my mouth to say something but she cut me off. "Bella, what the hell? All those times you told me it was nothing. You said you'd tell me if something was up. You said we were _friends_." Her expression turned to dismay as her gaze fell to her lap. "Or did you lie about that too?"

"Al, no need to be all melodramatic and shit. We were just working on our science project," he raised his hands in the air defensively, still seeming completely at ease with the situation. I sighed at his attempt. Lying wasn't an option anymore.

Alice seemed to agree. "Bullshit, Edward!" she hissed, "Bella's hair is a rat's nest and yours is more sexed-up than it usually is. Bella's face is completely flushed and you can't wipe that goddamn smirk from your face." She crossed her arms angrily. "And I'm guessing I wasn't interrupting a _first_ kiss either."

I felt my cheeks grow hot as I slowly dropped my gaze to the ground, begging for a hole to open up and swallow me. "I'm sorry," I mumbled, barely audible to even myself.

"You," she barked loudly, presumably to Edward. "You can go. _You_," I felt her eyes on me. "You're staying." I heard Edward snort and glanced up in time to see her giving him the finger. "Fuck you. You leave, you stay, and I stay."

I watched as he stood up, sliding his hands into the pockets of his jeans. His eyebrows furrowed as he glanced at me for a long moment, a look of concern marring his expression. He then let out an exasperated sigh before turning to Alice. "Do me a favor, Al? Don't kill him."

With one last apologetic glance in my direction, he left out the front door. I bit my lip, slowly turning to Alice. Her lips were pursed. "So do you mind telling me what the hell _that_ was about? You know, telling me what the fuck is going on between you two?"

I cringed at her use of expletives. They sounded so much harsher coming from her dainty mouth than Edward's. What was I supposed to say? Did she want me to be vague about it or did she want every single detail possible? I looked at my best friend for a long moment, deciding my resolve to save our relationship would require more than just a few details. I owed it to her. Because the glare she had given me the moment I opened the door had been completely justifiable. I should have just told her from the start.

So I took a deep breath and told her everything. I told her about our conversations in class, about how he had showed up at my house that one afternoon. I told her about the party, about how I had brought him back here. I told her about the emails. I told her about the basketball game and about the night at the piano. I told her about Thanksgiving night and that he had come to me. I skipped letting her know about my bipolar revelations. Of course, I also made sure that everything I revealed to her kept everything he had told me safe. I could never betray him by telling her all the devastatingly personal things he had shared, regardless of how good of a friend she was to me. She sat there the whole time and simply listened, not saying a single word until I assured her I was finished.

I half-expected her to just get up and leave and never speak to me again.

_I_ would have. All those times I had lied to her. She had always been concerned about me. When I had been upset certain days, she would make sure I was okay. When I had been distracted certain days, she would make sure I was okay. When I barely touched my food because I was too busy worrying over something Edward had said, she would make sure I was okay. And what had I responded to her each of those times?

_It's nothing_.

It had never been nothing.

And I had been the worst friend in the history of worst friends.

I had spent all of my time in a bubble. A bubble consisting only of my concerns and thoughts for Edward. I _always_ made it about Edward. I was so busying spending all of my time trying to fix him that I had completely forgotten how neglectful and horrible it was for me to just. . .go against what she had told me from the beginning. Behind her back.

_Shit_.

The worst feeling of guilt swept through me. How had I been so _selfish_?

But she didn't leave. Instead, her face grew somber. And then, she did the one thing I would never had expected her to do. She hugged me. Long and hard. Confused, I hugged back. Eventually, after a long moment, she pulled away. Her face wasn't angry at all, and it certainly was no longer cold. It was concerned. "God, Bella. What were you thinking?"

"What do you mean?"

She sighed. "Bella, if you haven't noticed, Edward's about as stable as a pregnant woman on a banana skin during an earthquake. In a frictionless vacuum. Wearing the moon." She shook her head, muttering to herself, "I _knew_ this would happen," before clearing her throat and meeting my gaze once again with a softer expression. "Look. I guess I'm just trying to make sure you're okay."

I grimaced. "Edward hasn't hurt me–"

"_Physically_," she finished, cutting in. "Honey, you're changing and you don't even know it. At the beginning of the year, when I first met you, you were a nice girl with a simple, content life." Her eyebrows furrowed. "And lately. . .it's like that life has been slowly sucked away from you."

"He's different with me," I protested weakly.

She pursed her lips before smiling grimly at me. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't have to cry over someone who isn't crying over you." She reached for one of my hands, taking it in both of hers. "I'm certainly not stopping you from seeing him. Hell, I won't deny that he seems different lately either. I just want you to remember that," she looked at me for a long moment. "That no one deserves that."

I shook my head sadly at the irony before sighing. "Alice, he _needs_ me."

"I'm not saying he doesn't," she responded carefully, pausing. "Be whatever he needs. Just don't give him the power to break you." Another long moment went by before she opened her mouth to speak again. "Oh, and don't break _him_. Like that would be even possible," she rolled her eyes in exhaustion. "I mean, you of all people probably know all the shit he's been through," she paused for a moment with a thoughtful expression as she gazed into space, getting her thoughts together.

"Okay, so don't take this question defensively," she grimaced hesitantly, "but why _you_? Why has he told you his entire life story when he won't even say a damn word to Emmett. _Emmett _of all people! Why you and not anyone else?"

That was a good question. A good question that I had no idea how to respond to. _Why_ me? That had been something I was constantly asking myself since the first time he had shown up here. Because as much as I wanted to think otherwise, I was just. . .me. Plain, simple Bella. "I don't know," I frowned, biting my lip.

Her expression softened as a small smile slowly formed at her hips. "You don't have to."

-oOo-

After our conversation, I felt incredibly light. Like a burden had been lifted off my shoulders. Now I knew how Edward must have felt whenever he told me things and why he seemed to be trusting me more and more. It felt _good _to talk to someone. I felt better knowing that I wouldn't have to keep anymore secrets from Alice, and that our friendship was still fully intact.

Once we had moved past the serious aspect of her reasoning for showing up, I had to endure her _other_ questions. Because after the initial shock set in, it seemed like she was actually fond of the idea of the two of us. After musing over it for a short period of time, that fondness grew into a completely ridiculous level of excitement. The only thing refreshing about her relentless question-asking for all things personal was that for once – thank the ever loving Lord – Mike wasn't mentioned once.

We had ordered pizza and talked while we ate. I had discussed with her my concerns on what Edward and I were considered since neither of us had really declared anything. She insisted that we were, quote, "_So totally in a relationship in a non-dating kinda way_."

Whatever the hell _that_ meant.

She also told me it was ridiculous that neither of us never showed any signs in public of our mutual affection. I had been about to gush my longings to have a non-secretive relationship with him when I realized that the two of us had been altering this whole situation.

Edward wasn't normal. Not even close. I mean, he was bipolar. And after some more thinking, maybe even suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder as well. The point was, Alice and I couldn't talk about him like he was some shiny toy in a polished store window. Because he wasn't, and our relationship status, I realized, was so far down on the list of priorities that I shouldn't have even been considering it.

As nice as the idea was.

Eventually, after Alice was satisfied with enough information and I had made her promise not to bother Edward about any of it, she was on her way. After she left, I finished my homework before hobbling up the stairs and into my bedroom. Sure enough, an unread email from Edward was sitting in my inbox. I checked the receive date, cursing silently to myself when I realized he had sent it over two hours ago.

* * *

**To: **bellaswan(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**From: **ecullenator17(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**Date: **9 December 2009 5:49 PM  
**Subject: **Avenge Your Murder?

I'm not gonna find you tied up to a chair, locked in your closet, am I? 'Cause I really don't wanna have to kill Alice for killing you. How was girl time? (;

* * *

**To: **ecullenator17(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**From:** bellaswan(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**Date: **9 December 2009 8:08 PM  
**Subject: **RE: Avenge Your Murder?

It's difficult to type with my hands tied up like this. Who knows how much air I have left in here before I run out? Tell Seth I love him.

* * *

I smirked before pressing _send_. I heard Charlie come in through the front door and limped back down the stairs to greet him. He gave me a funny look and an eyebrow raise at the brace on my ankle before rolling his eyes. "Lemme guess, you fell again?"

I narrowed my eyes at him acidly. "Some people aren't used to this stupid weather, you know," and went on to explain, "Yes, I did fall. Dr. Carlisle Cullen fixed me up though and said it was just a minor sprain. Your concern is heartbreaking, by the way."

He chuckled, shaking his head. "You're like the boy he cried wolf," I crossed my arms as I watched him rummage through the fridge and find the leftover pizza box. "It gets old after a while, you know? It's gotten to the point where I just assume you're okay. After all, a Swan _never_ shows weakness in this family."

I rolled my eyes, responding sarcastically, "Gee thanks, Dad." I reached for the container of pain pills Carlisle had given me on the insistence that they would knock me right out and I'd sleep like a rock. Comforting, really. I popped one in my mouth. "Well, if you don't mind, I think I'll head to bed. . .that is, if I can make it there." I made a scene about falling to the floor and crawling over to the stairs.

"Love you, Bells!" he called after me, laughing.

When I got back up to my room, I found a new email from Edward.

* * *

**To: **bellaswan(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**From: **ecullenator17(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**Date: **9 December 2009 8:15 PM  
**Subject: **Nice Knowin' Ya

Alice just got home. I'll tell her you say goodbye as well. Unless you want me to get the baseball bat, that is. . .

* * *

**To: **ecullenator17(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**From: **bellaswan(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**Date: **9 December 2009 8:19 PM  
**Subject: **Likewise

Leave her be, everything went fine. Though you might be disappointed to hear that I busted out of the closet.

* * *

**To: **bellaswan(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**From: **ecullenator17(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**Date: **9 December 2009 8:21 PM  
**Subject: **Hee Hee

Bella came out of the closet.

* * *

**To: **ecullenator17(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**From: **bellaswan(at)yahoo(dot)com  
**Date: **9 December 2009 8:24 PM  
**Subject: **Wow

You're _so_ funny. I'm going to bed. Night.

* * *

His response was instant – just a simple _Night (: _back.

Maybe I had been wrong. Maybe Alice had been right to be so optimistic about the whole thing and I had been wrong to be so negative. I would continue to help Edward. I would just let whatever happened, happen, and I would stop over analyzing the hell out of everything.

Just because things weren't simple, that didn't mean things had to be hard.

And for the first time in a long time, I fell asleep with a hopeful smile on my face.

-oOo-

The next morning when I woke up my ankle felt a lot better. It still hurt like hell when I walked on it, but I was definitely not going to resort in using crutches for something so ridiculous. I would be fine as long as I used my brace. After taking a couple Ibuprofens and eating my breakfast, I waited for Alice to come and pick me up.

So being used to her careful, slow maneuvering around our mailbox every morning, the way Edward's shiny Volvo peeled in to the driveway before coming to a screeching halt momentarily startled me. I watched as he climbed out of the car and slammed the door shut behind him, wearing Ray Bands, his leather jacket, and a pair of dark jeans, all accompanied by his usual "hi-I-just-rolled-out-of-bed-after-having-hours-of-great-sex" hair.

All resulting in my insides coming undone in reaction to the sight of him.

As I walked over to open the door for him, I wondered momentarily what this side of him was. If he wasn't currently high, or depressed, or even manic for that matter if, what _was_ he? Swinging the door open to reveal his half-grin on the other side of the door, I decided he was somewhere compromising a happy middle. Which was more than relieving to me. The more I didn't have to worry for him over a period of time, the better for the both of us.

He wordlessly reached around me, removing my backpack from my shoulders before slinging it on to one of his.

"Let me guess," I assessed as he wrapped an arm around my waist, bringing me close to his body while holding up most of my weight as he half-carried me down the front steps. "Alice made you?" I had to admit, I was kind of caught off guard by all of this. Him coming here, carrying my heavy bag, helping my down the icy stairs to avoid another repeat of yesterday, and now opening doors for me? It was bizarre. But a good kind of bizarre. His car had even become a breathable space since the last time I had been in it. The smell of pot was almost mild enough that I couldn't even smell it at all.

I couldn't see his eyes because they were still covered by his sunglasses. When he spoke though his tone was slightly on the defensive side. "Alice didn't _make_ me do anything." He started the ignition before peeling out of the driveway just as fast as he had entered. "You're not the only one who gets to play doctor."

Well at least he was now choosing to acknowledge my efforts. I smiled to myself, pushing my fear of his terrifying driving to the back of my mind as I folded my hands in my lap, glancing in his direction to notice a permanent smirk that had resided at his lips. "Well this is different," I observed out loud.

He sighed, "I'm not ashamed of you, Bella. So I figured I might as well stop acting like it."

I was genuinely touched by what he was doing but at the same time worried by whether or not he could handle what he was implying. I unthinkingly reached for his hand, squeezing it. "You don't have to prove yourself to me, Edward. I trust you."

"I want to," he insisted before his smirk appeared once again. "Besides, you don't like Newton; I don't like Newton. So really, I'm just doing both of us a favor. Cause I swear to God, if a puppy died every time he asked you out, there'd be a lot of dead fucking puppies in this world."

I grimaced in both confusion and concern for his choice of words. "Um, I guess I'm not sure if any of that was supposed to be a compliment or not, but thanks for the horrific mental image."

He shot me a dazzling half grin before focusing his attention back on the road as the rest of the ride went by in a comfortable silence. I didn't want to ruin any of this by saying the wrong thing which seemed to be so easy to do with Edward, so I decided the more I kept my mouth shut, the better. Because I liked this Edward. _Really_ liked him. And by the glances he kept shooting me, I could have sworn that maybe, just maybe, he liked me a little too.

When he pulled into the busy parking lot, I began to worry that all of this was a bad idea. The last thing Edward needed was the watchfully skeptical eyes of his classmates. Like he had implied so many times before – showing even the smallest amount of progress would cause everybody to start expecting things. Things he clearly wasn't able to do yet. After he pulled into an empty spot and shut off the car, I tuned in his direction. With his eyes still covered by those damn sunglasses, I couldn't read a single emotion on his face. Maybe he had planned it that way.

"Are you sure about this?" My tone was uneasy.

With a sharp nod and a quick smile, he opened his door and got out of the car. Before I knew it, he appeared at my door, opening it for me. "Absolutely. Now let's go, crippled."

I gave him a light smack on the chest for that comment before allowing him to take my hand and help me out of the car. To be honest, I could function perfectly fine on my own without his help; my ankle really didn't hurt that bad at all. It was just. . .the way he seemed to care so much for me. It was irresistible and I'd do just about anything to prolong that as long as possible.

I wanted nothing more than to lean in and give him a quick kiss of my appreciation for what he was doing, but I figured it'd be too much too soon. People were already staring. And we hadn't even left the confinement of his parking spot yet.

But then we did.

And the stares got even worse.

He may have been too busy staring at the ground to notice all the people currently looking at him, but I certainly noticed. Maybe he was trying not to, I reasoned. With his messenger bag on one shoulder and my backpack on the other, he walked closely beside me as we entered into the building. I was so relieved when he finally removed his sunglasses and the emotions in his eyes were relatively content. Neither of us said anything as we walked to my first class.

You would have thought we had both ripped our clothes off and were going at it in the middle of the hallway by the way people were staring.

And we weren't even holding _hands_.

When we got to my Trig room, Edward stopped before entering and faced me. I stood there rocking back and forth on the balls of my feet and watched him as he glanced warily around the halls at our staring classmates. I sighed, opening my mouth to speak, but he cut me off before I could. "I'll get used to it. Don't worry about me so much, okay?" The last part came out slightly on the defensive side but I trusted him and nodded, silently implying that I would lay off on the concerns for a little bit.

"Thank you," I beamed up at him as he handed me my backpack. He grinned crookedly, making my heart do funny things as the first warning bell rang.

He leaned his head down slowly before it rested on mine. "Thank _you_, Bella." I knew what he was thanking me for. Of course I did. Because this was like the ultimate turning point for him. I mean, yeah, we still had so much more progress that needed to be made – I needed to somehow tell him about his disorder and help him cope with it as well as get him on a medication plan, and he still had so much work to do in order to bring himself fully back to life, to overcome _so_ many obstacles he still had.

It wasn't over. Not even close. And there wasn't a doubt in my mind that any of these steps would be easy. In fact, they would probably be really hard.

But maybe, just maybe, we could do this.

* * *

_Please, don't be ashamed  
Whether you win or lose.  
I just want you to know,  
that I'm proud of you._

_Don't be afraid,_  
_When your fight is through._  
_I just need you to know,_  
_that I'm here with you.  
_- Proud Of You, 10 Years

**No cliffy this chapter! You're welcome. ;D**

**Reviews are what keep me going. (:**


	20. Boiling Point

**A/N: Happy late Halloween, first day of November, _and_ Monday! In honor of this wonderful (*cough*epic fail*cough*) day, here's chapter 20. Chater 20? Yeah, we're already that far. And I can't thank you enough for sticking with my insane brain & crazy frustrating characters. I promise it'll be worth it in the end, babes. Edward won't let you down. (;**

**Special super thanks to MB, as always, for being the dazzlingly wonderful friend/beta she is.**

**

* * *

**

"That was a miracle, if I've ever seen one," Alice insisted as I took my usual spot next to her.

I kept my eyes from straying to her overly happy face, afraid I'd break my calm facade as I tried to come off like all of this wasn't a big deal. Even though it was. "I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about," I inquired casually, opening my book.

"_Bella_," she whined, "Come _on_, you're killing me here!"

I turned to her, trying to keep my expression as serious as possible despite how brightly her face remained to be lit up. "Alice," I began calmly. "I need you to promise me something." I waited for her head to bob eagerly up and down before I continued. "Please don't make this a big deal. _Please_. That's the last thing he wants. Just. . .try and pretend this whole situation is completely normal?"

"Even though it's so definitely not," she finished cheerfully before her face turned serious and she nodded in confirmation that Edward would be left alone. "One question," she proceeded after a long pause. "Does this mean you two are going public?"

"Alice," I groaned, burying my face in the pages of my thick book.

Taking a deep breath, she began to do the thing where she would fit a hundred sentences in the period of only one lungful worth of air. "What? I'm serious! It's gonna be so weird at lunch. . .I mean, weird in a good way, but still weird. I bet Jazz's gonna flip! He's so not gonna believe it. And Emmett! He's missed him _so_ much, and–"

"Stop," I interrupted with a frown. She looked at me in confusion, furrowing her eyebrows. "You're doing it already," I explained. "See? This is why he's terrified to even say anything. What you did just there? Alice, it's not as simple as you think." And I really wished everyone would just leave him alone about that.

She let out a frustrated sigh, crossing her arms. "I get it," she assured me, shaking her head sadly. "I just got excited, you know? We _all_ miss him."

The fact that I remained the only one aware of the "old Edward" only made me feel sick to my stomach. It just confirmed just how badly the need for perfection had been shoved into his face. He had never been happy. It was just that he had done a better job hiding it back then than he did now.

-oOo-

In English we watched Romeo and Juliet. Edward had a pass to leave early in order to make up a Bio test he had missed last week, so I didn't have a chance to talk to him at all during that class. On my way to lunch, he texted me, asking if I wanted to meet him somewhere. I quickly replied with a "Yes" before following his instructions to wait outside the doors of the cafeteria.

I was glad he hadn't attempted to eat lunch with everyone yet. It would be too much in too short of a time, and _certainly_ too much for him to handle. I stood, leaning against the brick wall as I avoided the business of the hallway passing by me. It slowly started to thin down once everyone had eventually piled into the cafeteria. I crossed my arms tightly against my chest, my thin cotton T-shirt not practical for the cold weather outside, as I waited for Edward to meet me here.

I heard footsteps coming from around the corner and immediately smiled to myself. My smile fell when instead of Edward's copper hair coming into view, an even more disarray of long, red hair did. Victoria. I dropped my gaze to the floor, figuring she would just pass without noticing me. Like she even knew who I was anyways.

But then I saw her black boots stop in front of me, and when I looked up, she was glaring at me. I gulped, automatically cringing farther back against the wall, wanting nothing more than to hide from her cold gaze. "I've been looking for you," she declared, her eyes narrowing even further.

I let out a shaky breath. "Me?" Surely she was confused. I had only been in the same room with her once! And that was when she had been higher than a kite. She nodded slowly, taking a step closer.

"You look surprised," she observed, sounding pleased with herself for having me so shaken up. Literally. The moment I decided I wasn't going to let this bitch has some weird sick power over me when I did absolutely nothing to wrong her was the moment I found both my confidence and voice.

"Kinda," I admitted impassively.

She didn't appear too amused anymore. Instead, she took a step closer. "Yeah, well I know _all_ about you Bella Swan," she said my name as if it were a curse. "I know all about you and _Edward_." Me and Edward? How? Other than walking with each other in the hallways today when would she ever even get that notion in her dead brain-celled head.

I decided to play dumb. "What?"

And then, she got even closer. "You know fucking what. That, that thing. . .whatever the hell it is between you too. _That's_ what," she sneered. "Edward belongs with _us_. Not you and your retarded clique. So back the fuck off and leave him alone. Stop trying to make him something he clearly isn't _just _so he'll maybe let you give him a blow job."

That's when I got mad. You have _got_ to be kidding me. Who the hell did she think she was? "Are you serious?" I asked incredulously, disbelief and anger clear in my voice.

"He doesn't want you. He never will. I can't even believe he's _entertained_ the mere idea in his head," she grimaced in disgust. "You're just an annoying little girl who needs to grow the fuck up and face reality."

I could feel the stupid moisture began to form in my eyes in result of my anger and utter frustration. "You don't even know him," I growled quietly. "Not even close."

She let out a loud laugh. "Hah! And you think you do? Well I've got news for you, Sweetie. You sure as hell fucking don't." I was fighting a losing battle as I tried my very hardest not to cry. "Who do you think he comes to after having a shitty day? Who do you think he talks to all the time? Who do you fucking think he would choose if it came down to it?"

And then I did it. And I hated myself so much for giving her the satisfaction of watching a single tear trail slowly down my cheek. "You're wrong," I muttered, wiping it quickly away. But how could I know that? What if she was _right_?

A stupid, smug grin spread across her face as she slowly shook her head. "The world you live in? You're just so fucking desperate to hold on to the idea that you don't even realize how incredibly pathetic you are. Stop trying to help him when he doesn't need it!" She shot a quick glance down to the brace on my ankle before once again, a disgusted look crossed her face. "You're just _so_ fucking desperate that you probably faked this just so you could get him to talk to you a little longer."

And then, she did the last thing I had been expecting. She slowly brought her own foot back before forcefully kicking my injured ankle as hard as she was possibly capable of. My mouth opened, silently crying out as my eyes clenched shut, unable to bear the sharp pain now shooting throughout my whole leg.

At the same time, Edward finally decided to show up. As I slid down to the ground, holding my foot in pain, the tears streaming freely down my face now, he rounded the corner.

"What the hell is going on?" he rushed over to where I sat, crouching down next to me. "Shit, Bella, are you okay?" I furiously blinked my eyes, refusing to meet his. He then turned to her, standing back up. "Vick, what the fuck did you do to her?" She didn't look scared in the least as his tall frame towered over her. He narrowed his eyes, "I'm serious."

She crossed her arms, pursing her lips with a shrug. "She fell. Not my fault the bitch doesn't know how to walk."

Edward's glare only grew colder as Victoria's expression only grew less and less apologetic. "Do. Not. Call. Her. That," he gritted through his teeth, emphasizing each syllable with perfect clarity before letting out a frustrated sigh. "What fucking happened?"

Even with him standing there, standing up for me, my tears appeared to be relentless as I soothingly rubbed my throbbing ankle. Her words just stung. _Really_ stung. "I was just letting her know a few things," she insisted with a coy smile, seeming totally oblivious to how angry he was getting. I began to worry that this scenario would play out like James' did. He had been completely fine one minute and the next, he just. . .lost it.

But I didn't think it was like that this time around. And I don't think I was just flattering myself by thinking he was genuinely furious at her on my behalf. I almost smiled. Almost. But then I remembered her words loud and clear and that pain in my heart shot through me once again.

"Letting her know _what_?" he practically growled, "That it hurts to be kicked when you've already got a fucking injury? How seriously sick that is?"

She shrugged again, her face still impassive. "'S not sick if she deserved it."

I swear I saw his fists twitch at his sides, but he restrained himself. Keeping a hold of his temper for the most part, he took one more step towards her with the most threatening look I had ever seen from him. "Listen to me, Victoria. You don't fucking talk to her. Ever. You leave her _alone_. The last person who deserves your shit is her," and then he stepped back, slowly bending down next to me as he maintained his steady glare at her. "So why don't you leave. _Now_."

I guess she was smart enough to know that he was being completely serious. She left with no indication that she was sorry for what she had done. _What a surprise_.

While he crouched down next to me, he instinctively removed my hand from where it was rubbing my foot and replaced it with his own. His expression softened immensely from what it had just been as his eyes steadily held mine. I wanted to look away, but I couldn't. How could I when he was looking at me like that? Like he cared?

"Does it hurt really bad?"

I nodded. It did.

"Do you want to go see Carlisle?"

I shook my head. I didn't.

I just wanted to get out of there. Immediately. And since Edward was Edward, he understood completely by the look in my eyes. He slowly nodded, his expression still laced with concern as he gently removed my backpack from off my shoulders and slung it over his own. Then, without saying anything, he carefully scooped me up into his arms and began walking. I didn't care. As long as I was out of there.

I honestly didn't know why I was reacting the way I was – why I was so insistent upon breaking down in a way that couldn't have been healthy for my mind, I just. . .something inside of me snapped. And it wasn't my ankle.

With my breathing just short of hyperventilation and the way I clung to Edward like he was my life support, it was clear that my mind had gone into overdrive and the only reaction I knew was to retreat because of how scared I was. Because as he carried me through the empty halls, her words began ringing loudly in my ears and I couldn't block them out. _Who do you think he comes to after having a shitty day? _Along with the sharp pain in my foot, I felt another pain shoot through me. _You're just so fucking desperate to hold on to the idea that you don't even realize how incredibly pathetic you are_.

What if she was right?

My heart sank.

_What if she was right_?

Edward didn't tell me everything. In fact, he rarely told me anything unless I asked. Aside from the times he seemed to force a breakdown upon himself from a depressive stress overload, he generally didn't say much about his day unless I asked first. And I guess I had just assumed he'd stopped smoking all together in the past couple of weeks. For all I knew, Victoria may have been absolutely right – maybe I was just some pathetic girl. Maybe Edward _did_ confide in her. Maybe I had been too busy living in my perfect bubble that I hadn't even considered the possibility that I wasn't the only person Edward talked to in his life.

I had been confident he would choose me over her. A hundred percent. Until my stupid mind started planting those doubts in my head, which were now running through my brain at ninety miles an hour on repeat. All thanks to Victoria of all people. I don't think I had ever hated her more than I did in that moment.

And I'm sure by the way I was shaking I must have been scaring the crap out of poor Edward.

He took that as indication to speed up his steps and soon enough, we were in the parking lot, approaching his car. He walked around to the passenger side before giving me an uneasy look at setting me carefully on the ground. I kept a hand on in shoulder for support as he reached into the back pocket of his jeans and pulled the keys out. Once his Volvo was unlocked, he opened my door before I could and helped me in. He even buckled my damn seat belt for me. Jeeesh! I wasn't paralyzed.

As soon as we were pulling out of the parking lot, I realized my decision of leaving completely might have been the slightest bit rash. Because now that I had all this stupid doubt in my mind about what exactly Edward thought of me, the last thing I wanted to do was sit here and over analyze it by freaking myself out into thinking that Victoria was right. I rubbed at my eyes in frustration.

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that he was taking us back to my house. Neither of one of us said a single word the whole drive as I kept my gaze out the window. Out of the corner of my eye, I felt him shoot me numerous unconcerned glances while he drove. Although I had stopped crying and the pain in my foot had temporarily decreased for the moment, I still felt like crying. And crying some more. And the sad thing was, it was all me and my emotions that were causing this. Because even though I may have seemed a lot like it, I wasn't PMSing. I just. . .snapped. Victoria's conversation had triggered everything up to now – all my build up of stress, worry, and anxiety – and it had finally put me over the edge. The past few months were taking their tole on me and I had a minor panic attack. It happens to everyone, I guess.

He pulled into my driveway and shut off the ignition. I expected him to get out of the car so he would help me out, but he didn't. "Say something," he finally pleaded.

I didn't.

He let out an exasperated sigh, raking his fingers through his hair. "Bella, please. I'm dying over here." My mouth wouldn't open because I didn't know what to say. Instead I just continued to gaze out the window. There was just. . .nothing. Nothing except Victoria's words on never-ending repeat.

A few more moments of absolute silence passed by before he cursed under his breath, got out of the car, slammed the door behind him, and walked all the way around to my side. When he opened the door, I turned my body to face him; my legs angling themselves towards the open door. I played with my fingers, silently hoping he would just drop it. He crouched down so that his head was slightly lower than mine and positioned himself in between my legs. Then, he crossed his arms and rested them on top of my thighs before resting his chin on his arms and gazing up at me through his long lashes with an unfathomable expression.

"It doesn't matter," I told him quietly.

"What happened?" he insisted immediately after I was done.

I just shook my head, breaking his gaze and looking anywhere but his face.

"Just tell me," he now demanded in a soft, pleading voice, "What did the bitch say to you? Because I _do_ think it matters, and if you say that one more time, I'll fucking scream."

I let out a heavy sigh before finally building up the courage to meet his piercing eyes once again. "Am I pathetic? Be honest." The last thing I intended with that question was to sound like an insecure, thirteen year-old girl. He knew that. His brow furrowed as I went on, "If I was ever, you know, making you mad about something you'd tell me, right? . . ."

"Bella, I swear to God, if you don't tell me what she said to y–"

"She said I was desperate, alright?" I finally answered with a hint of hysteria in my voice. "She said that you belonged with them and that I was trying way hard to make you someone you're not," I lowered my head, away from his gaze again because I wasn't strong enough to face it. "She said I didn't know you. That she was the only one who did. She talked about you like you were. . .like you were some kind of possession. " I furiously wiped the water building up in my eyes away as I let out a strangled chuckle. "God, this is so stupid," I muttered, shaking my head as I looked away from him.

"Hey," he abruptly unfolded his arms, giving him access to reach up and brush the tears from my face. "Hey. _Shhh_, it's okay. It's not stupid," he assured me before suddenly pulling me to his chest and holding me there.

He didn't say anything for a long moment as he held me, giving me time to pull myself together. And when I was fairly positive I wouldn't cry anymore, I slowly pulled out of his embrace, giving him a small smile as he returned the gesture.

"You didn't like how she was talking about me," he clarified quietly, his expression thoughtful. I bit my lip, nodding. "Well I didn't like how you let her get to you. _Bella_." He placed his hands on either side of my cheeks. "You're so much better than her. And you're _not_ pathetic. Not even close," he assured me honestly. "You're too good for your own good. _Don't_ let her tell you fucking otherwise, okay?"

I sniffed one last time, nodding as my small smile broke out into a wide one and he pulled me into a tight hug once again. This time, I didn't hesitate to hug him back, silently thanking him for being able to take on the role of protector for once.

After releasing me, he rested his head on mine. "You don't always have to be so brave," he whispered. "If something's bothering you, you can tell me. 'Cause I know what it feels like if you don't."

I nodded again, still smiling. "Thanks."

He chuckled, shaking his head. "Pretty sure it should be the other way around," he paused wistfully before suddenly scooping me up in his arms for the thousandth time in the last twenty-four hours. "Now let's get the fuck inside – we need to ice your leg, _not_ your body."

It was cold out?

Hadn't even noticed, I guess.

His smile had just been _that_ warm.

-oOo-

Edward left a few minutes before Charlie pulled in. Since I had never skipped school a day in my life, I knew the excuse with my leg would come off as more than legitimate. Besides, it _was_ the reason I had skipped. Kinda.

Everything truthfully felt so much better after Edward and I had left school and came back to my house. For once, he actually stayed longer than the amount of time it took him to come up with a reason to leave. It had me hopeful, not to mention the way he seemed to be trying to make up to me what Victoria had said, even though none of it had been his fault. Everyone had a right to their own opinion – I had told him that. He had told me that was bullshit regardless of that fact that it was true. As always, his animated discussions where he used an overwhelming amount of expletives made me feel better.

When he left, I felt a sense of assurance. He had promised me that _I _was the person he came to when he needed someone to talk to, that _I_ knew him better than anyone else, and that _I_ was the one he would choose if it came down to it. Of course, in Edward terms that translated roughly as: "I fucking promise that you're the only person who makes shit better for me."

I was trying so hard not to read into all of this like the teenage girl in me wanted to. I needed to always remember that my main focus had to be helping Edward. That was what it had been from the beginning and what it needed to continue to be. I mean, I had made so much progress already that if I were to all of the sudden mess things up by getting my rapidly growing feelings in the way, all of it would have been for nothing.

Because as much as he had improved, he was still unpredictable. And even though I was "the only person who makes shit better for him," that didn't mean he still couldn't crush me by not returning the magnitude of my feelings if I ever were to admit them to him.

It was kind of like the whole telling him he was bipolar scenario – I had no idea how he would react to either one of them. And I couldn't risk his reaction just yet. Not while everything seemed to be going just fine.

Alice had called me that night, checking to see how I was. She also demanded that I convince Edward to start eating lunch with us. After she had brought it up, I realized it had never occurred to me that Edward's whereabouts during lunch hour remained completely unknown. I promised her I'd try. With the way he had been acting lately, I probably would have been more surprised if he would have said no. But I had to constantly remind myself that this was always hard for him and that change had to be done slowly.

She had mentioned something about the two of us being the current talk of the school. . .Which meant this was already going somewhere very dangerous for him. Because he had been right – now it was certain that the expectancy of everyone would now be on him. And it was the one thing he didn't want.

So I took his advice from earlier that day and called him, planning to let him know what was bothering me. After two rings, he answered his phone. After two words, my heart sank. "Hey, Bella." The broken voice that I had come to know and hate came through the line and I felt every ounce of hope in me fade.

I felt like crying, even though I should have expected this to happen eventually. I guess I had been so caught up in thinking that things were suddenly perfect that I forgotten all about his condition. Those three syllables were all it took for me to decipher the pain that had returned to him, just like that.

And just like that, my Edward was gone.

"Are you okay?" I demanded softly.

There was a long pause on the other end before I heard his quiet sigh, followed by his signature response. "It doesn't matter."

"Don't do this," I groaned in frustration, tugging at my own hair for a change.

"Then don't ask questions you already know the answers to," he snapped harshly before his voice immediately lowered. "We had another fight. It's getting worse, Bella. God, it's getting so much fucking worse. . ."

In response to the utter heartbreak in his tone, I realized three things.

The first was that just because someone didn't openly admit to needing you, that didn't mean they didn't. It meant the opposite. It meant that Edward was so unfamiliar with the concept of comfort that it didn't even occur to him to ask for it.

The second was that it was easy to overlook things that were obvious when you were trying to hard to avoid them. I had been too focused on constantly trying to manage his emotions that I completely forgot about mine. Because somewhere along the yelling, the fighting, the tears, I had managed to fall in love with Edward Cullen.

Which was so far beyond terrifying that I wanted to jump out of my own skin at the unfamiliarity of such an emotion.

And as scared as I was that I had willingly just handed him over the power to completely shatter me, I had to be there for him more than I ever had before. That was the third thing.  
Regardless of the fact that I had no idea how I'd ever sneak past Charlie without getting caught, I was going over to his house tonight. And if that meant scaling down my balcony and up his with a bad ankle, I'd do it. Because I loved him.

"I'm coming over."

* * *

_Use me as you will,  
pull my strings just for a thrill.  
And I know I'll be okay,  
though my skies are turning gray._

_I will never let you fall;_  
_I'll stand up with you forever._  
_I'll be there for you through it all,_  
_even if saving you sends me to heaven.  
_- Your Guardian Angel, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

**Uh-oh. He's back. ):**

**Reviews would be so extremely appreciated after the crap week I've had. 'Cause you guys always make me so happy that I can't even describe it. (:**


	21. Not Good Enough

**A/N: I hope this is only the start of a good week for all of you. Thanks for continuing to be so supportive of the story. There are absolutely no words to express my appreciation.**

**MB, as always, I love you, deary, for being such an allstar and putting up with my incessively redundant errors. Everyone please please please send her a mental hug for me?**

**

* * *

**

Sneaking out was harder than I had originally planned it to be. I mean, it wasn't like I could walk to his house. One, I couldn't exactly walk that efficiently at the moment, what with my screwed up ankle and all. Two, it was ten miles away. Three, it was currently twenty below outside. So yeah, that option was pretty much out.

I had considered calling Alice but quickly decided against dragging her into this. Either way, I had to be pretty stealthy about this in order to succeed the escape. Turns out, having your dad as chief police doesn't exactly have too many benefits.

When I had informed Edward that I was going over to his house, he hadn't believed me at first. He told me it was completely unnecessary and that he was completely fine.

Well_ that_ was a compete lie.

Even though he may have told me he didn't need me to come over, it was hard to miss the contradiction of his wants in his words. He wanted me to come over. He just didn't want to admit it to himself. It was so like Edward that I would have been more surprised if that wasn't the case. It only took a few minutes of persistence until he finally gave in and told me he'd be waiting.

Sighing to myself at the remembrance of how dejected his voice had been – something I was determined to fix, I decided on a plan of action.

Since Charlie did this every night before he went to bed, I waited for him to get in the shower until I ran down the stairs. _Limped_ would have been the correct term, actually. At least it _felt_ like it was getting slightly better. I grabbed my keys from the counter and ran out to the garage. The loudness of the massive door slowly opening didn't worry me, because being under a hot steam of continuous water, I knew Charlie couldn't hear me. I quickly started my loud truck and pulled out of the driveway at a speed much faster than I was comfortable with. I drove down the street far enough so that he wouldn't be able to hear me when I started it up later and quickly got out of the car.

I hurried back down the icy road, cringing at the pain in my ankle every time I would pick up my pace. Eventually, only minutes after leaving, I entered back into the house, shutting the garage door behind me. My teeth chattered in response to the coldness of the air from outside before I ran back up to my room, the faint sound of Charlie's shower still audible.

I waited until he was out of the shower, walking out into the hallway the same time he did. Clearing my throat, I made my excuse brief. "I probably won't be here when you wake up in the morning," I explained. "I'm going over to Alice's really early so that we can study for our Trig test."

He shrugged. "Alrighty. Thanks for letting me know, Bells."

After that I waited some more. When I was _positive_ he was asleep, I changed into a pair of yoga pants, throwing on an old hoodie over my cotton T-shirt before sneaking back down stairs. I quietly exited through the back sliding door and locked it behind me. Then, I maneuvered my way through the narrow path Charlie had shoveled back out to the street. Once I got into my truck, I started the ignition and began my drive to Edward's. I glanced at the clock that read just past midnight. During the whole way, I prayed that Edward would be easy to reach tonight.

Due to the lack of a heater in my truck, I'm sure I was only a few steps away from frostbite by the time I pulled up next to the curb, a little less than a block from his house. A jacket might have been a smart idea. Or maybe a parka.

I shivered uncontrollably as I quietly made my way down the shoveled sidewalk until I was finally walking up his driveway. A moment of uncertainty came across me as I wondered idly how I was supposed to enter the house. My question was answered by someone clearing their throat.

My head snapped to the direction of where the sound had come from. I was worried I had been caught as my eyes adjusted to the darkness of the front porch. I took a few hesitant steps closer to find that it was Edward. He frowned deeply at the limp in my step as well as my lack of appropriate winter attire. _I_ frowned in response to the dimly lit object in his hand that had created a thin layer of smoke in the air around him.

"It's just a cigarette," he explained, his voice almost inaudible. He took one last drag before tossing it over the side of the porch and into the snow. After an immeasurably long moment, after he slowly walked over to stand at the top of the stairs, I carefully stepped towards him. He silently held out a hand, helping me successfully up the icy stairs. Once I was at the top, I wrapped my arms tightly around him, burying my face in his chest as I basked in the warmth of his body. "You're freezing," he murmured into my hair before pulling back. "Let's go inside."

I leaned into his side when he wrapped an arm around my waist, supporting most of my weight so that it didn't have to be on my ankle. We quietly entered back in through the front door – a sound I'm sure Carlisle and Esme were used to hearing due to Edward's insomniac tendencies. We turned the corner to cut through the kitchen when Emmett appeared on the other side of the opened fridge door, a carton of milk in his hand. His eyes were wide. "Fuck," I heard Edward groan under his breath.

I half expected him to drop his milk carton as his expression only grew even more surprised as he studied our close embrace. "Well this is. . .weird," He glanced at Edward and then to me, waving in confusion. "Hey, Bella?"

I blushed, biting my lip as I awkwardly half-waved back. And that was all our conversation consisted of before Edward was pulling me past Emmett, through the kitchen, and up the stairs. Something along the lines of the last minute had angered him, causing his grip to become way too tight and his pace to become way too fast. I stumbled alongside of him, not able to keep up. I wanted to say something, to ask him to slow down, but I held it in, afraid he would only get angrier.

Why the hell was he even _angry_?

Before I knew it he was pulling me into his room, firmly closing the door, and then locking it. He released his arm from around me, leaving me standing in the middle of his room as he walked briskly over to his bed, falling backwards onto it. I hesitated, remaining where I was as I watched him rub his hands over his eyes.

"I'm not going to pull a knife on you, Bella," he groaned in frustration before sitting back up and meeting my gaze directly. "It's just been a. . .long fucking night, okay?"

I took a deep breath and slowly made my way across the room, carefully sitting beside him on his bed. He fell backwards again, letting out a loud sigh as he ran both hands through his hair, tugging recklessly at it. I frowned at his destructive action, crawling on the mattress over to where his head was before gently urging him to release his fingers from their tight grip. "That's not gonna help anything," I informed him quietly before pausing. "What happened?"

He rested his hands over his stomach, his fingers repeatedly tapping the black fabric of his T-shirt. "Ez found where I keep my weed," he explained, his voice exhausted. "She told Carlisle, though I'm not sure fucking why. It's not like it was some big surprise. And yeah," he sighed, "he wouldn't listen to me when I told him I hadn't been smoking lately. He brought up California again," he visibly shivered next to me. "God, what will it fucking _take_?"

"Edward, they won't send you away," I assured him with a frown, running my fingers lightly through his hair. "You've been doing _so_ good lately."

"Not good enough. . ." Whether he was echoing his parents, echoing Carlisle, or if he really _thought_ that, I was not letting him go there again. Never would I let things get as bad as they had Thanksgiving night.

"_Yes_ good enough," I insisted desperately before he closed his eyes. I crawled onto him, laying myself over him and resting my forehead on his. His eyes shot open as I lightly touched my lips to his. "There's beauty in imperfections. Edward, you're the most perfect _non-_perfect person I know."

His reaction was the opposite of what I had been expecting. He lightly rolled me off of him before sitting back up. "_Bella_," he groaned miserably, "Why are you _doing _this to me?"

I nervously sat up once again, gazing at the ground as I contemplated his concerning question. "Doing what?" I bit my lip, furrowing my eyebrows together in a worried grimace as I slowly looked up at him through my eyelashes.

"_Everything_," he answered exasperatedly. "I mean, shit. I've been trying to make boundaries and keep everything in check, and _fuck_. I can't. . .I can't control _things_ when you're constantly doing shit like that. _Saying_ shit like that."

I frowned, "I still don't get it. . ."

"I'm going to hurt you, Bella!" he yelled in a whisper.

I took hold of his hand, squeezing it assuringly. "You can't hurt me, Edward."

He sighed, sadly shaking his head. "Yeah, I can."

"Edward, I trust y–"

"I don't _want_ to hurt you, Bella. But I can. And I know I'm going to. Not right now, but I know that sometime in the future, I'm going to crush you. I'll disappoint you, or say something I don't mean just to get you off my back even though that's the last fucking thing I want," he paused, averting his gaze from mine to the ceiling instead. "And that's the thing. You're the only one who ever has the courage to call me out on all my own fucking bullshit. You _get_ me." He paused again. "I _need_ that. I need _you_. And I'm so fucking terrified that one of these days you're gonna realize that all of this was a mistake. . ." His voice cracked on the last word before he quickly swallowed, covering it up. All of his words had come out so fast that I could hardly understand what he was saying. He tended to do that when he was unsure of what to make of his own emotions.

I squeezed his hand again, waiting for his breathing to become normal before I spoke. "So this is what you've been worried about," I restated quietly, not as a question.

Staring absentmindedly at the space in front of him with a defeated expression, he slowly nodded. I almost told him right then and there that his worries were completely unnecessary. That something like that was utterly impossible because of how much he meant to me. How much I loved him.

But I didn't.

I gazed sadly at the bags under his eyes, how bloodshot they were from the lack of sleep he was getting because of how much he was stressing himself out over absolutely _everything_. I needed to find a way to show him I was there for him, a hundred percent. I didn't want him to be doubting anything between us, and I refused to let something as ridiculous as the fear of hurting _me_ cause him any more pain than he was already going through.

"Edward, can we try something?" I asked quietly, turning my head to face him. His eyes warily met mine, silently questioning me. I wasn't really sure how to ask this, or if he would just end up laughing at the idea, but I had to try. I chose my next words carefully, "I think. . .it'd be really beneficial if you got a few hours of sleep. You'd feel _so_ better."

He frowned, slowly shaking his head. "I _can't_ get sleep," he insisted softly, his eyes growing impossibly sadder as the emerald depths only grew deeper. "I just. . .I can't."

My expression grew hopeful as the smallest of smiles formed at my lips. "_We_ can try?"

"We?" he questioned blankly, staring at me with a dumbfound expression.

I bit my lip, nodding nervously. "Only if you want."

He blinked once, his mind still processing what I was saying until recognition and resolve slowly crossed his expression. His eyes softened, as did his voice. "So you won't be disappointed if it doesn't work?"

I shook my head. "I won't be disappointed."

He smiled, rubbing his eyes once again before letting out a long yawn and stretching his arms above his head. "Well if you think this might actually help something. . ." he trailed off, slowly pulling back the covers of his comforter before giving me another hesitant look. I smiled, nodding assuringly. "Then I guess we can try it."

I followed suit, sliding myself under the blankets as well. Once we were both secure, though still not touching, he reached over to the table beside his bed and turned the lamp off. The electricity as soon as the lights were off was almost instant. Like a magnet, I immediately moved towards him. He responded by pulling me closer, crushing me lightly to his chest as his arms remained securely around me. He tucked my head under his chin while I nuzzled my nose into the cotton fabric of his T-shirt, breathing in the sweet scent of him.

I was so glad it was completely dark in the room because the size of my smile was downright embarrassing.

I tried to stay awake for as long as possible, to savor the rare sweetness of the moment, but the rhythmical beating of his heart and the slow rise and fall of his chest were too much of my personal lullaby, serenading me into an almost instant slumber.

-oOo-

When I woke up hours later, the room was still pitch black, even though the clock clearly read six-thirty. At first, I couldn't remember where I was, or even the events that led to being there. I blinked a few more times, slowly allowing my memory to return to me.

Oh _that's _where I was.

In Edward's room.

In Edward's _bed_.

_With_ Edward.

Edward, whose face was currently nuzzled deeply into my hair. Whose arms were currently wrapped tightly around my body. I grinned so widely that my face hurt. So it _had_ worked after all. From the position we were currently in, it was impossible to see his face – something I desperately wished I could do at the moment.

I laid there in his arms for a few minutes, just letting the bliss wash over me. Then, there was a light knock at the door that caused my eyes to snap open in panic. . .until I realized that Edward had locked the door last night. "Honey, it's time to wake up," Esme called softly. She didn't stand at the door for long, I imagined because a majority of the time Edward never responded in acknowledging her kind wake-up call.

But I guess this morning he had. Groaning into my hair, his arms squeezed me momentarily before releasing me all together. I scooted far enough away from him so that I could see his face. His eyes were closed, but I was very aware of the way his lips were pursed, trying to hold back a smile.

I couldn't help myself. I leaned my face in, pressing my lips lightly to his before pulling back once again. This time, his eyes opened. And when they did, I think every bone in my body collapsed. . .then turned to a shameless pile of goo. Because if I had thought Edward's eyes were stunning when he was sober, they were sad in comparison to Edward's eyes when he was well-rested. Both of us laid there next to each other on our backs, our heads facing the other. "Hi," Edward finally whispered with a smirk.

"Good morning," I grinned back before yawning. "Sleep well?"

He shrugged, a lazy, crooked smile spreading across his lips. "Something like that."

Realizing that I didn't pack myself any clothes for today, and that we would need to be leaving for school in a little bit, I sighed, slowly sitting up and sliding the covers off me. "I should go get some clothes from Alice," I informed him with a grimace. No doubt would Alice want a palpable explanation for what I was doing here.

Edward smirked very profoundly at me, remaining where he was at. "You have just a _fun_ time with that, okay?"

I playfully narrowed my eyes in response to his statement, walking across his room to the door. Making sure neither Carlisle or Esme was currently occupying the hallway, I carefully cracked the door open, looking both ways. When I was sure the coast was completely clear, I dashed for Alice's room, lightly knocking the door before I waited for her to open it up.

She did a few moments later, and as soon as she saw it was me, her eyes grew ridiculously wide. Before she could open her mouth to speak, I cut her off abruptly. "It's so not what you're thinking, so don't even go there."

She pursed her lips thoughtfully as she silently gestured with her arm for me to enter. "I thought I heard voices downstairs last night," she pondered out loud to herself before her eyes met mine, "And I guess I was right."

I rolled my eyes in response to her smug smirk, shaking my head. "And it's _still_ not what you're thinking, I promise."

She raised an eyebrow. "You came over last night?"

I nodded, "Yes."

Her expression became quizzical. "You stayed with Edward?"

I nodded again, "Yes."

"You two slept together?"

"Yes."

Her jaw dropped before her face broke out into the hugest grin I'd ever seen. "I knew it! _I knew it_! Oh my god, Bella, I can't even belie–"

"Alice," I hissed. "We slept together. . .but not _that_ slept together." Her smile instantly vanished, and before I knew it, she was pouting. I sighed exasperatedly, running a hand through my tangly hair. "Can I _please_ just borrow some clothes without the Spanish Inquisition being involved?"

Humming to herself with that thoughtful expression still clouding her face, she nodded, disappearing into her large closet. I walked over to her bed, sitting down on the end of it as I waited for her to come back out. A minute later she appeared with an armful of clothing, handing it to me. I smiled thankfully before hurrying into her bathroom to quickly occupy her shower.

Once I was done and began putting on her rented clothes, I heard her casually call from the other side of the door, "So. . .have you guys, you know, done it yet?"

"No," I answered, slightly flustered. I studied myself in the mirror for a moment as soon as I was fully dressed. The jeans were way too tight, practically painted on, and the shirt made me cringe at the amount of cleavage picking up. With one last grimace at my reflection, I exited the bathroom. "Oh, well that's weird," she assessed quietly. "I just thought. . .with you two so close and all. . ."

I shook my head, unsure of whether I should have been sad that the answer was a definite no, or frustrated that she was choosing to bring up the topic when it was really none of her concerns. She must have read some kind of emotion in my face, because her expression quickly grew apologetic. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry if that question was out of line, Bella. I was honestly just curious because of how long of a way Edward as come since the beginning of the year."

"It's okay," I mustered a smile.

The thought of being with Edward _that_ way had never really crossed my mind. Well yeah, actually it had, but not realistically. I mean, who would have thought a month ago that we would end up together romantically? If that's what I even was to Edward, that is. But now that Alice had planted the idea in my mind, it was there, and I couldn't help but wonder if that would ever really be us.

_It's okay_. I wasn't sure if I was convincing her, or myself.

A half hour later, after I let her play with my hair to kill some time before we left, I returned to Edward's room, tentatively knocking on the door. When I informed him it was me, he told me to come in. When I entered, he was lying on his bed, changed into a new, clean outfit with the book we were ready for English in his hands.

I cleared my throat, "Ready to go?"

"Yeah, just a sec," he muttered before closing his book and glancing in my direction. I had the satisfaction of watching his eyes grow twice in size momentarily before he blinked vividly a few times and his eyes became normal again. And then I was blushing. I crossed my arms uncomfortably over my chest, realizing that this had most likely been Alice's intention from the start.

Edward wordlessly got off his bed, disappeared into his closet like Alice had done, and came back out with his old basketball hoodie in his hand. I couldn't stop the grin that was spreading across my face as he handed it to me and I quickly put it on. "Maybe you should keep it," he smirked. "You need it more."

And just like that, my smile became permanent for the rest of the day.

-oOo-

Since today was Tuesday, that meant there were only three short days until Christmas break at Forks. Once again, all eyes were on Edward and me as we walked the hallways together. Instead of eating lunch with others, Edward claimed that he had a big test he needed to study for Pre-Calc, so I stayed with him in the library for an hour. Even though he may have needed to "study," I knew it was more of an excuse than anything. I knew he wasn't ready yet for quite that magnitude of attention, especially based on Emmett's reaction last night.

Wednesday was similar to Tuesday. It was a slight difference I noticed, but it still made me worried. Edward's mood had considerably worsened as the day went on, saying next to nothing in both Bio and the painfully long car ride home.

It was the first time the whole week that I didn't go over to his house after school.

It didn't help at all that on Thursday, he called me in the morning telling me he didn't feel up to going. The reason it was upsetting was because he had been doing such a good job with his attendance lately. I didn't protest because I wanted to give him some time if he needed it, and I didn't want him to feel like I was being clingy. Though I did still send him a few texts throughout the day, making sure he was doing okay. He said he was fine.

Of course he was.

I told myself not to worry, that he really was telling the truth and that he _was_ fine.

I even had myself convinced when I went over to his house after school and we worked on homework for two hours and his mood seemed to improve to a point of contentment. But then Friday came, and Edward was no where near content.

He drove me to school, not saying anything. He walked me to Trig, not saying anything. The pattern was becoming frightening. Since we usually just met up in English and he always beat me there, I had to resist the urge to throw up when I walked into the room and he wasn't there.

My heart rate remained at a constantly fast pace through the entire class. I called his cell on my way to the cafeteria but he didn't answer. In the back of my mind, I knew my worries may have been the slightest bit irrational, but I couldn't help it. I almost debated skipping the rest of the day all together until my logical side got the better of me and told me that if he wanted to talk, he would tell me. He always did. Well. . .sometimes.

_Edward, why won't you _answer?

-oOo-

Since Alice and Jasper were going to Port Angeles right after school and I decided not to go with them, Alice dropped me off at my house (because Edward had drove me to school that morning) so that I could get my car. As soon as I ran inside, threw my backpack on the floor, and retrieved my keys, I was on my way to the Cullen's.

On top of my never-ending worry, I felt angry. Was it that hard for him just to let me know that he was _okay_? What was he doing that was _so_ damn important that he couldn't even afford to spare me a few seconds?

I pulled into my driveway, shutting off the ignition before getting out of my truck. I knocked on the door, not wanting to be rude by just unjustifiably barging into their house. Carlisle opened the door for me with a warm smile, informing me that if I was looking for Edward, he was up in his room. I couldn't help but notice the way his expression seemed to slip as the said Edward's name. Though I wouldn't have been surprised if it was that stupid, never-ending disappointment that he always told me about. I quickly thanked him before climbing the vast staircase, entering Edward's room without so much as a knock.

I almost felt bad about it. Almost. Until I saw Edward.

Until I saw what he was doing.

What he was _smoking_.

"What the hell are you doing?" I immediately demanded, narrowing my eyes in accusation.

He barely glanced up to acknowledge my presence. I knew better by now than to think it was the stupid pot's fault for anything he said or did. Edward barely acknowledged my presence not because he was too high, but simply because he chose not to. "_Edward_," I growled through my gritted teeth, standing in the doorway with my arms crossed.

His hazy green eyes finally met mine, matching my glare. "What the fuck does it _look _like I'm doing?" he snapped.

I tried to remind myself that it wasn't completely his fault; that the disorder was just playing with his mind, but I couldn't. I couldn't, because how could anyone? How could anyone honestly just stand there and take it? Besides, it was _his_ choice to light up that stupid joint. That was _all_ him.

"Why?" I asked, crossing my arms.

A taunting expression crossed his face as he set his bowl down, crossing his arms as well. "Whatcha gonna do? Tell your daddy on me?"

I slammed the door shut behind me, letting out a frustrating scream in my mind as I marched back down the stairs.

Not _my_ daddy.

His.

And I was beyond furious with myself for choosing to put this off for so long. Why had I thought that I could somehow avoid this? Why had I thought that things would just magically be perfect like they had seemed?

I came to a stop in front of the closed door to Carlisle's study. Too upset with Edward to consider the consequences of my decision to finally just _tell_ someone about him being bipolar, I raised my fist to the polished wood door, knocking twice.

"Come in," I heard him call. I slowly opened the door, stepping inside. He shot me a friendly smile as I entered. "What can I do for you, Bella?"

"Um," I began, nervously biting my lip. "Can I talk to you?" I paused for a long moment. "It's about Edward."

* * *

_And I can barely look at you,  
but every single time I do,  
I know we'll make it anywhere;  
Away from here._

__

_Light up, light up,  
as if you have a choice.  
Even if you cannot hear my voice,  
I'll be right beside you, dear._

Louder, louder,  
and we'll run for our lives.  
I can hardly speak, I understand,  
why you can't raise your voice to say. . .

- Run, Snow Patrol

**Reviews are almost as good as sleeping with Edward. _Almost_. (;**


	22. Cold As You

**AN: My Internet has been super effed the last day or so, which is why this is a day later than it was supposed to be. Yeah, I know. Blame my stupid cable guys. So anywho. The response this story has been recieving lately is marvelous. I honestly can't keep up with how wonderful you all are and can't thank any of you enough.**

**MB, I can't thank you enough either, bb, for your insanely rockstar help with this. (:**

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Carlisle carefully removed his glasses from his face and set them down on his desk. With a long sigh as he pinched the bridge of his nose, he finally looked up at me again. "Bipolar," he pondered thoughtfully, his voice quiet. "Now there's something I've never considered. . ."

"It's just that I've been watching him a lot lately," I cut in, "And I've been with him a lot, and I think it's what makes the most sense."

He furrowed his eyebrows together, staring at me with the silent implication of what everyone else had been thinking for the past two weeks. _Why you? How is it that you're the only person that is able to get to him?_

It's because even though my methods may have involved some yelling, it was only the persuasive kind. And I suppose I gave him patience, something no one else was ever able to allow him. I knew what Carlisle thought. . .what Alice and everyone else thought. They thought it had been easy. That I was just miraculously able to prance into Edward's life, tear down his sturdy walls of masked emotions, and sprinkle sugar and flowers all over his heart.

It hadn't been like that. Not even close. In fact, it had taken me months _just_ to get him to trust me.

No one else had given him that. Because even though he may have hated me all those times I confronted him about his issues, it was what he had needed. At the time he hadn't realized it – maybe now he _still_ didn't – but at least he was well aware that there was someone out there who didn't expect the non-existing perfection to be resurrected from a time before the accident – a time when I knew damn well that not a single thing in his life _was_ perfect – and be able to be absolutely brilliant at everything he did.

That's what Carlisle never understood. _That's_ why he never had considered it. He may have at one point, but now he just considered Edward a lost cause. It was because he had himself _so_ convinced that Edward was a corrupted disappointment, someone who should easily be able to move on from something as drastic as the death of not one, but _two_ parents. He thought the drugs were Edward's way of rebellion when really, he had just been so desperate and confused and scared of his own emotions that he leaned on them like they were some kind of life support.

When really, they only made things so much worse for him.

Carlisle had been wrong. _Everyone_ had been wrong.

Because in reality, how much did his family _really_ understand him? Even before the crash?

He didn't say anything for a long while, just staring off thoughtfully into space as he considered my earlier explanation for why I believed all of this. Obviously I hadn't needed to give him a briefing on what bipolar was with him being a doctor and all. He actually ended up being silent the whole time I talked. And then there was now. . .and he was still silent.

I bit my lip, glancing at the clock. I had been in there for almost a half hour. I wondered idly if Edward was still up in his room.

"I think. . ." he paused, straightening in his chair. "You might be on to something."

-oOo-

Carlisle stood up, walking over to the door. I quickly stood up as well, following him out. I didn't notice Carlisle had stopped until I walked straight into his back. I mumbled an embarrassed apology, moving around him before I saw the reason he had stopped in the first place. Edward was leaning against the wall with his arms folded tightly over his chest with an expression of so much fury that I felt instantly horrible for who ever that look was directed at. . .

Until I realized it was directed at _me_.

I gulped. The only reason he would have been looking at me like that was if he had just overheard Carlisle and mine's conversation. Which he probably had. I gulped again, quickly darting my eyes anywhere but his face as I stood there, practically shaking.

"What are you two, best fucking friends now?" his voice was even colder than his eyes. I actually shivered. "When's the next meeting? I'm thinking about joining. . ." he trailed off, followed by a hollow chuckle. "The 'hey, why don't we talk about Edward behind his motherfucking back?' club."

It was Carlisle who spoke for me. "Edward, please," his voice was stern. "Be reasonable."

I could feel his eyes on me. . .burning into me as I realized he was waiting for me to look up at him. As slow as possible, I raised my chin until it was direction with his, meekly meeting his gaze. His piercing green eyes were accusatory, and so _so_ much worse than they had been up in his room. "I expected as much from him, Bella. _Not_ from you."

I almost broke down right then and there. Swallowing hard, my throat feeling very much like sandpaper, I opened my mouth to speak, but all that came out was a series of helpless whimpers.

His eyes narrowed, growing impossibly even angrier. "That's what I fucking thought," he snapped acidly before suddenly storming away. I listened to the back door slam harshly shut with wide eyes as I just stood there, paralyzed.

". . .Give him time to cool off," Carlisle assured softly, patting a hand on my back. "He's probably just overwhelmed."

Somehow, my body functions began working again. I shook my head in determination, "I can't. I need to go talk to him."

Without another word to Carlisle, I tried to remain as calm as possible as I followed the same path Edward had taken outside. The sky was bright regardless of how cloudy it was outside; the layer of white snow reflected off the sky, only amplifying the day's brightness. Had the current situation not been so serious, I may have even tossed a snowball at him just to earn the playfully competitive smirk I knew I would receive.

But the situation was that serious, and that was the last thing I was about to do. No snowball fights for us. . .The kind I was fearing didn't involve snow. I shivered.

Spotting Edward sitting on a fallen stump tree lining their backwoods, I managed my breathing as best I could and hesitantly approached him. I couldn't tell what his motives were. Either he was choosing to deliberately ignore me or he just hadn't heard me come up behind him. I stood there in the snow for a few more moments before quietly clearing my throat.

I sighed sadly when his angry head whipped around to mine. His eyes immediately narrowed. He stared at me for a few long seconds before abruptly snapping his head back in the opposite direction. How mature. Again, I sighed. "We need to talk about this."

"Why?" his voice was clipped. "There's nothing to fucking talk about." Instead of just moving his head this time, he turned his whole body around on the tree log before slowly standing up. The way he easily towered over me had me more intimated than usual. He stared at me through angry eyes with his jaw and expression set to match them. "Why do you always do that?"

I narrowed my eyes right back at him, wanting him to see the mad me instead of the hurt me. "Because I–" I had been about to say _love_, but I quickly corrected myself, realizing it was _so_ not the time for that. "–care about you."

"Don't say that," he demanded flatly.

Okay, that was it. "And why the hell not?" I threw my hands in the air in exasperation, raising my voice. "Why not, Edward?"

"_Because_," he hissed in finality.

_Oh for the love of God_. I finally exploded. "That is such a bullshit answer!" I yelled at him, not being able to stop myself from giving his chest a hard push. He didn't budge. "And you have no idea how sick I am of all. . ." _Push!_ "your stupid. . ." _Push! _"bullshit."

He had no right to explode at me like this. To yell at me for caring about him. I had done _nothing _wrong, and I absolutely refused to just accept his unjustifiable anger. I was just trying to _help_ him for God's sake. And if he didn't know that, then I guess I didn't know where that left us.

"I didn't ask you to deal with it," he snapped harshly, taking a step closer to me so that once again, he was towering over me. "Bella, you can't have it both ways. You can't care about someone and then go behind their fucking back."

This time, my voice rose to the point of hysteria. "I can do whatever I want! You sure as hell do!"

He closed his eyes momentarily, taking a deep breath as he ran a reckless hand through his wild hair. When he opened them up once again, they had become impossibly colder. When he spoke, his voice was bitter and unapologetic. "Stop walking around acting like you've got the whole damn world figured out and just grow the fuck up. Life's not perfect. . ." he trailed off before feigning off a surprised expression by widening his eyes in fake remorse. "Oh _I'm_ sorry! Hasn't anyone ever told you that?"

I took a step back from him, trying not to let his tone get to me. Instead, I simply responded impassively, "No. And apparently no one's told you either."

I watched the sharp line in his jaw become impossibly sharper as he gritted his teeth tightly together in response to my statement. If it were possible for him to be blowing smoke out of his ears like in the cartoons, he wouldn't be. He would be blowing out a whole fire. I fists were balled together at his sides, practically shaking.

"Go ahead and hit me," I challenged, narrowing my eyes at him.

This time, it was his turn to raise his voice. "Fuck, did it ever occur to you that maybe things were going fine? Sure I have a bad day every now and then. Who fucking doesn't? Stop trying to fix things that _aren't broken_." His green eyes pierced into mine with so much depth that I couldn't bear looking. I moved my gaze to the ground, trying to keep my confidence from wavering.

I let an eerie silence fall over us for a few moments before I slowly raised my eyes back to his. When I looked at them, they were exactly the same. They were so. . .so _angry_. Hostile even. Edward and I had had our differences before but _never_ had he given me a look so vicious. I swallowed the lump in my throat, willing not to let him make me cry. But when I spoke, my voice cracked, and my words opened the flood gates. "I just want you to be better!"

He froze. His eyes closing in response to my comment while my eyes shot open as wide as possible. I hadn't meant it like that. I opened my mouth, gaping like a fish as I tried to come up with a palpable apology, but he cut me off before I had a chance to defend myself.

Moving his furious gaze off into the woods, he spoke in a voice so low and accusing that I wasn't sure I had even heard him right. "God, you're just fucking like them."

The mention of his parents in association with me was enough to cause my legs to wobble. I felt the warm moisture of my tears running down my cheeks and didn't even bother to wipe them away. I didn't yell at him, instead, I took a step towards him. "No I'm not, Edward," I pleaded desperately. "Stop. _Please_."

When I placed a hand limply on his chest, he immediately shook it off and took a step away from me. That _really_ stung. "I thought you were different." But that was even worse.

"I am!" I insisted, begging him with my eyes not to continue.

"I thought maybe I had finally found someone. Someone who _got_ me." He ran a hand through his hair, a hallow chuckle being released as he glanced away from my gaze once again. "But I guess I was wrong, because you turned out to be the _exact_ opposite. Because you're _just fucking like them_."

I clutched my torso, this time staggering backwards as if he had struck me. He might as well have. I blinked, trying to clear my vision, but it was no use. "How. . ." I whispered, "How could you say that?"

His expression remained unforgiving as the acid refused to leave his voice and the coldness refused to leave his eyes. "Apparently the same way you can just say whatever the hell you want to me," he spat.

I sniffed, first rubbing my nose and then my eyes. It was no use. A violent sob shook my whole body and my legs threatened to give out. But I stayed standing. By some miracle, I didn't fall.

Maybe it was because I knew if I did, for once he wouldn't be there to catch me.

"What do you fucking _want_ from me, Bella?" he demanded, never backing down from his powerful anger; never realizing that he had already won and that everything he was saying now was just a knife into my heart. Because that's what it literally felt like. "I always ask you that and you never fucking _answer_."

"It's because you never want to listen!" I yelled. "It's because every time I try and tell you that you're too good of a person to deal with all of this, you refuse to listen! _That's _what I want from you. That's _all_ I've _ever_ wanted from you. For you to see that deep down, you _are_ a good person!" Through my tears, I glared at him. My breathing was shallow, but I somehow managed to find my voice. "But I guess I was wrong about that, too. You've become _exactly_ who you promised me you wouldn't."

And then I turned to walk away. I was so done. Done with this stupid conversation. Done with _him_. My body was frozen from the dangerously cold temperatures I was just now choosing to notice, and I realized that my hands were shaking. Though I was considering the possibilities of the reason behind their lack of stability. I wrapped my arms tightly over my chest, trekking through the snow as I tried to get out of there as fast as possible.

I felt a tug on my shirt. Why couldn't he just leave me _alone_? "Isabella Fucking Swan you fucking stop and you listen to me."

Without an ounce of hesitation in my body, I spun around, slapping his face as hard as I could. His eyes widened in shock. Mine, however, didn't. Because I was just so done with this. "No, Edward. Because I can't keep doing this," I cried. "I can't!"

He let out a humorless laugh as his eyes darkened. "Shit, _you're _the one awesome at breaking promises, _not_ me."

I refrained from hitting him again. And screaming. Instead, I gave him a cheeky smile and simply responded, "Yeah, well I guess you'd know all about that either way." His hand twitched at his side and this time I thought he actually was going to hit me.

"_Bella_," he growled furiously. "God, do you even _hear_ yourself? Who's the hypocritical one?" He shook his head, his expression changing to that of disgust. "I fucking trusted you. . .I trusted that somehow, you actually fucking got me." And here we go again, this endless cycle. I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take before I shattered right before his eyes. I'm sure he'd enjoy that. "But obviously you don't. Can't you ever just leave things how they are? Just _once in your fucking life_?"

His words triggered on a whole fresh set of tears. From the cold and the pain in my chest, my next sentence came out in choked, broken pronunciation. I wanted to yell back at him but I couldn't. I didn't have it in me anymore.

"Do you think I _like_ doing this to you?" I sniffed loudly as my body shook. "I'm n-not a masochist, Edward. I'm not the b-bad guy here." I gasped for breath, trying to control my uncontrollable sobs. "I want you to get better; I've n-never wanted something so badly in m-my life. I told you, I car–"

"I call bullshit," he cut me off abruptly. "Because if you actually did care about me, you wouldn't be–"

"I _do_!" I insisted so loudly that once again, my voice cracked in hysteria. He could accuse me of whatever the hell he wanted to – he could question a lot of things. But not that. How dare he dismiss me of my feelings like that? I had always cared about him. _Always_.

At least I had.

"I really doubt that," he continued, refusing to end our shouting match. "Otherwise you wouldn't be going behind my back about all this _shit_. With Carlisle of all people!" He grabbed a handful of his hair in each hand and tug. I hoped he pulled it all out.

I hope he fucking burned it. All of it.

"I mean, fuck! You could have at least talked to me about it, Bella. Seriously?" He let out a frustrated growl, kicking a flurry of fresh snow powder up into the air. "Or was that part of your plan all along? So I could be some sort of fucking science experiment?" He didn't stop. Not even close. And if I wouldn't have known any better, I would have thought my trembling sobs were what were encouraging.

"Go ahead and hate me. I don't live to fucking please you." I winced, wondering how it was possible for his words to be able to cut _that_ deeply. And once again, he didn't stop. "Stop trying to convince me things are getting _better_, okay? Because they're not, Bella! They never will be. It's impossible. And I'm so fucking tired of you trying to convince me otherwise."

I wrapped my arms tightly around my torso, holding myself together. I was so close to collapsing. All I wanted to know was how it had possibly come to this.

"Why do you do it?" he questioned in anger. "Do you _like_ watching me get my hopes up just so you can have the satisfaction of seeing me fail like I always do? Is that it?"

"No, Edward, _stop_!" I pleaded in between gasps. "Just stop, okay? You win!" His glare never let up as another sob threatened to tear through my body.

I realized what I had to do in order to admit to defeat. Because this wasn't a snowball fight where everybody walked away from battle smiling. Someone had to lose. And that someone had to be me. Because he would _never_ admit to defeat. I knew I had made a mistake by trusting him. I had been so stupid, _so naïve_, just like everyone warned me not to. Alice had been right. Edward himself had been right. _Victoria_ had been right.

I was the only one who had been wrong.

And it was time to finally accept that. My damp eyes fluttered closed for a moment as I finally took a deep breath and spoke, though my voice barely managed to surpass a whisper. "But don't worry, Edward. I won't bother you anymore."

And before I could second guess myself, I turned away from him, leaving both Edward and my heart in the cold confines of his backyard.

This time, he didn't stop me.

* * *

_What if I wanted to break?_  
_Laugh it all off in your face._  
_What would you do?_  
_What if I fell to the floor?_  
_Couldn't take this anymore._  
_What would you do, do, do?_

_Come break me down,_  
_Burry me, burry me;_  
_I am finished with you._

_Look in my eyes,_  
_You're killing me, killing me._  
_All I wanted was you.  
_- The Kill, 30 Seconds to Mars

***exhales*  
You know what to do. (:**


	23. Broken

**A/N: Holy Batman! The response for last chapter was crazy! Have I mentioned that I love you guys? No? Well I LOVE YOU.**

**To me, I have to have music on at all times whether I'm writing or reading. If you're one of those people too, then here's a mini playlist you can listen to while reading this chapter since I didn't want to overwhelm you with different song lyrics at the bottom. So here are some songs to fit either B or E's mindset: _The Only Way That I Know How To Feel _by Boys Like Girls, _Cold As You_ by Taylor Swift, _Broken_ by Lifehouse, _Broken _by Secondhand Serenade, _Cold_ by Crossfade, _Holiday_ by Boys Like Girls, and _Everything About You _by Three Days Grace.**

**As always, huge thanks to Mary Beth for being the wonderful beta she is. (:**

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The drive from the Cullen's to my house took nearly an hour.

I had to pull over to the side of the road three times. Sometimes, the crying would stop and I thought I'd be in the condition to start driving again.

Something he had said would run through my mind without warning, and I'd think I was fine. But then my vision would become blurry to the point of blindness and I would need to start the process all over again. I rested my head miserably on the steering wheel, letting my anguish rip through me in the form of broken, strangled sobs. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket a few times but chose to ignore it, having a pretty good guess as to who it could have been.

I felt so. . .empty. And broken. Definitely broken.

I did not feel surprised, however. I knew this would happen. I had always known. So why hadn't I been prepared? I should have been ready to fight off his hurtful stabs at me; the way he had simply dismissed my own feelings and had called me out on not caring. It was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. The worst being compared to his parents.

I would never forget our conversation the night Edward had come to me on Thanksgiving. I would never forget the way he had let me into his personal life, something no one else had been granted the permission. I would never forget how broken he had been, how much self-destroying negativity he had confessed to. He had cried in front of me. He had admitted that he wasn't strong enough. He had done all of those things that I had assumed a mark of his trust and devotion to me.

But I had been wrong.

So, _so_ wrong.

He had accused me of being like his parents. His _parents_ who had pushed him to the point of self-destruction. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that Edward had been depressed before they had been killed in that car accident. The guilt that accompanied their final conversation and his failure to be as good as they wanted him to just sealed the deal and pushed his mental well-being to the point of an illness.

A scary one, at that.

I was completely heartbroken over his accusations, absolutely devastated by how cold his eyes had been, and crushed by the way he had doubted _everything_ about me. But most of all, I was furious. I couldn't deny the anger that rapidly built in my chest among the hurt and pain. I couldn't believe him. I couldn't believe he had the nerve to just _do_ all of that.

Bipolar or not, there was _always_ freedom of speech. And his disorder was no excuse for his vicious attacks on me. Had he even stopped to let me explain myself even _once_? No, he hadn't. The only thing he had done was make me give him the satisfaction of reaching my breaking point.

And taking all of this into consideration, I realized that I had never hated Edward more than I had in that moment.

Because it was so far beyond ridiculous that he had somehow managed to hold that much power over me to be able to just stab at my already stressed and tattered emotions. I hated myself for ever giving the power for him to do so.

He had hurt me. Just like I knew he would. I had predicted as much that night we had kissed on his elegantly timeless grand piano after connecting in a way I had been sure no one other than the two of us was able to relate to. _But he had hurt me_.

And I wasn't sure I would allow him to fix the pieces. I wasn't sure if I could handle taking a risk as big as allowing myself to let my guard down that easily again.

Because he had hurt me.

Eventually I managed to get home. Charlie's cruiser was already in the driveway. It must have been a slow day at work for him to be home already. I looked at myself in the rear view mirror before getting out of my truck. My eyes were swollen, red, and puffy, as was my nose. Figuring it was miraculous that I had even managed to cease my crying in the first place, I rubbed my eyes one last time before hopping out of the car.

I glued my gaze to the floor upon entering the house, hoping Charlie wouldn't notice. Unfortunately, he did. He sat on his recliner in the living room as I hurried towards the stairs. "Bells," he stopped me, concern obvious in his tone. "What the hell, baby? You look like someone just murdered a kitten in front of you."

Despite my miserable mind state, I managed to appreciate my dad's dry humor momentarily before I felt another round of tears coming on. I just shook my head at him, "I'm fine, I promise," before shooting up the stairs faster than I ever had before.

As soon as I made it into my room, I immediately dug under my bed, pulling out an old shoe box. After wiping away my blurry vision in frustration, I opened the box and grabbed the two-way airline ticket my mom had sent me for my birthday. _Come visit me anytime, honey_.

After a lot of crying and a few desperate phone calls later, I sauntered back down to the living room, wondering how the hell I was supposed to tell Charlie that I wasn't spending Christmas with him this year. . .

-oOo-

I growled hopelessly at my phone which was now vibrating for the hundredth time that night. Edward's name continued to flash across the screen as the hours of the evening dragged late into the night and then into the morning. Alice had been calling too, but I wasn't ready to confront her yet. And I certainly was no where near ready to confront her cousin. In that moment, I would have rather talked to anyone, _anyone_ except him. Even Mike. _Especially_ Mike. Speaking of Mike. . .

I picked up my phone, confused by Mike's name indicating that he was now calling me. With a heavy sigh, I flipped it open. "Ah-hah," his soft voice was surprisingly refreshing, though somehow, not the comfort I was looking for. "I was getting worried when you wouldn't answer."

I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything at all. Mike sensed this, getting straight to the point. "Bella, are you okay? Alice said you haven't been answering your phone and you did leave in quite the hurry today after school," he paused momentarily. "I just wanted to make sure you were all right."

No. "I'm fine." The sound of my voice caused me to cringe. It was raspy. _So _raspy. And a dead giveaway to my already obvious lie.

"Wow. Typical Cullen," I heard him mutter before his voice became clear again. "He did a really good job on you, didn't he?"

I squeezed my eyes shut, willing myself not to breakdown. Again. "Mike, stop," I answered with a shaky breath. I couldn't deal with this right now, let alone talk about it. Because all I could see when I closed my eyes were _his_ eyes. His angry, accusing eyes. I bit my lip, squeezing my eyes tightly shut.

"Bella, did you even hear me?" he asked irritably. He must have been talking for a while now. I quickly stuttered out an apology, barely audible. "I said, are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine," I insisted, snapping at him unintentionally.

He didn't seem to take offense like I wish he would have. Mike, _why_? Why were you so good? Why couldn't I have liked _you _instead? "Bella, you know better than that. I know better than that. _Everyone_ does. Why put yourself that low? The guy's no better than the shit he smokes."

And even after everything he had said to me, after every broken promise, I found myself pathetically wanting to defend him. I doubt Victoria knew how right she had been. "It's done, Mike," I whispered. "Just leave it."

"God, he's got his hooks in you _so_ deep, doesn't he?"

"Mike, _stop_," I now pleaded for the third time with tears heavy in my voice. I really couldn't handle this. "It's done. Over. We're nothing." A pang of anguish swept through me, powerful enough to knock the wind from my lungs and threatened to tear me down. _Over_.

_Over, over, over_.

Had we ever even been anything?

"Listen to yourself, Bella," he persisted relentlessly. "You can lie to me all you want, but please, _please_ stop lying to yourself." I rapidly blinked my eyes. Mike continued, "He drained you. You're so. . .god, you're too good of a person to let this happen to you."

"Everything's fine," I automatically responded with every ounce of strength in both me and my voice gone.

"I really wish that were the case, Bella. I really wish I could have done something to stop his poison from consuming you. You didn't deserve any of his shit." I heard him sigh heavily on the other end of the line. "I know it's not something you want to hear, but it's something you need to know."

At this point, my mouth opened but I wasn't able to produce any words to come out of it. "Mike, I–"

"Just let me know when you want to talk," he told me sadly. "Goodbye, Bella."

And then the line went dead. And I was alone.

Completely, utterly alone.

-oOo-

"I mean, this is just all so sudden. Are you sure this is what you want, Bells?" Charlie scratched the top of his head, an unfathomable expression marring his face. I simply nodded in return, slinging my large duffel bag over my shoulder. "And you sure Renee's okay with this?" Again, I nodded.

In truth, I actually felt really bad for leaving Charlie alone for the holidays. Regardless of the fact that he had his friends down in La Push, I couldn't get over the slight pang of guilt in response to leaving. Of course, none of that was stopping me from going. Nothing was. Because it was something I absolutely had to do. I needed a break from Forks.

I needed a break from Edward.

When I had informed my mom about my short noticed trip, she was nothing short of thrilled. She was ecstatic that I was coming home to visit, gushing for an hour about how much she missed having me around and how excited she and Phil were that I would be with them on Christmas. I tried to match her enthusiasm, but even to myself my voice sounded off. Though I'm sure she was well aware of the knowledge that something was wrong, she never asked about it. I wasn't sure how I felt about that.

With Charlie's help loading my bags, I was ready to leave for my seven o'clock flight. "Call me when you get to the airport, Sweetie." He gave me an awkward one arm hug as I got into my truck. "_Please_ for the life of me drive safe? You know how dangerous these roads can be in the winter."

Caught off guard by the sudden intensity of emotions behind a gesture as simple as Charlie requesting me to drive safe, I felt my heart sink and tears forming in my eyes as I pulled out of the driveway.

Once I got on the interstate, it was a struggle to remain alert. Too many times I would let my mind wander, and never in my life had I felt more pathetic. This was so stupid. _All_ of this was so stupid. And I would never forgive myself for not listening to Alice.

_I guess what I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't have to cry over someone who isn't crying over you._

I had cried over him too many times. I had cried _for_ him too many times. And I was so damn sick of crying.

I just wanted it to be done. I wanted to get the hell off of the Edward Cullen Emotional Roller Coaster once and for all. Because I had failed. I had tried, over and over, but it was apparent that my attempts had been a lost cause from the start. Because the moment I saw his face after exiting Carlisle's study yesterday, I knew. I knew it was completely pointless. I knew I wanted it to be over and I wanted to get off, because it was _not_ the thrill of the ride that had kept me going for so long. It had been my denial.

And as soon as I realized that, I realized I could no longer handle the ride anymore than I could handle him. And _that_ was what hurt so bad. Because as much as I tried to also deny my feelings for him, _those_ had been legitimate. Those were what fueled me to believe that somehow, maybe someday, Edward would be better.

But here was the harsh reality of it all: Edward would _never_ be better.

Yes, I realized the moment I figured out he was bipolar that he would never be normal – that there'd always be a possibility of his disorder affecting his life in a negative way. But with help, that could be maintained to a very manageable agree.

That wasn't the problem here.

The problem was that Edward didn't _want_ help. Not mine, not anyone's. He didn't want to keep living the life he was, but at the same time, the alternatives he was given were apparently not good enough for him. He had completely lost the ability to see a logical solution to the problem he had been provided with.

And he had made it more than clear that the _last_ thing he wanted was my help.

The last thing he wanted was _me_.

He had been exactly right. I _had_ been a drug to him. I was his stupid cocaine. He used me for a temporary high. Never committing to anything, I realized that all the times I had thought "progress" had been made were the times he had talked to me. _Talked_, that had been it. At the time, I had been so sure that he was taking steps forward. That by coming to me, he was somehow getting better when really, I was just his temporary high. Talking to me made him feel good and eventually, he became addicted to it.

I had granted him the access to reaching that high by allowing him my full, undivided attention every time. I had listened. No strings attached. Because even though he may not have cared in the slightest, I lived for the moments when he was _my _Edward. Which was why it had worked so well for us.

But it had never been a solution at all. It had been temporary.

Because the moment I started asking him for more, he immediately retreated. It had nothing to do with him being bipolar. It didn't matter if he was depressed, or manic, or just Edward. It was the way he had felt since the moment I had met him. _I_ had been temporary. _I_ had been the one hyping up our relationship; the one that determined the perfection I thought we had somehow reached between each other. I had allowed myself to trust him with something I had never allowed anyone else in my life.

My heart.

And I had never felt so broken in my life after our conversation in his backyard.

_I thought you were different._

Yeah, well I guess I thought you were a lot of things too, Edward.

I thought I was right. I was always _so_ convinced I was right.

So how had I possibly managed to be _so wrong_?

-oOo-

It was sunny when my plane touched down in Phoenix. How odd. I had almost forgotten about the sun.

Since my flight had been earlier than scheduled, after retrieving my luggage I had a good fifteen minutes before Renee would meet me at my terminal. I sighed, plopping myself down in exhaustion onto one of the many open seats, placing my two duffel bags on the chair next to me. I turned on my phone for the first time in the last two hours, finding four missed calls.

The first one was from Edward. The second one was from Renee, who left a brief message explaining how awful traffic was and how she would be later than we had originally planned. The third one was from Edward. The fourth one was from Alice.

Upon realizing that Alice wasn't the one who deserved to have all of her concerned calls ignored, I dialed her number, slumping further into her seat. "Oh, Bella!" she answered after only two rings. Before I could open my mouth to say anything in response, she began talking at such a rapid pace it made my head hurt. "What the hell happened yesterday? Why haven't you been answering your phone? I've been worried sick! What's going on?"

I took a deep breath. "Everything's fine, Alice." God, that lie was getting so old, even for myself. I winced at the sound of my voice. It was no better than it had been yesterday.

"_Bella_," she groaned in frustration, immediately calling me out. "That is _so_ not true, and you know it!"

I wasn't sure I was ready to go into full depth details about anything that had happened in the past few days. But I would try, because I knew she really was worried about me. "Alright, Al. We had a fight, okay?" My voice cracked.

When she spoke, her tone was uncertain and incredibly cryptic. "A fight? That's it?" She took my no response as my answer before going on in a quiet voice. "Bella, I don't think that was it. And if it was a fight, it must have been a damn good one too."

Edward's reactions had been so sketchy lately that I couldn't have even began to guess what she had come home to Friday night. I wasn't sure I even wanted to know. But then there was that stupid part of me that did, and all too eagerly I was asking her questions I didn't want the answers to. "What do you mean?"

There was a long pause on the other end of the line – so long that I thought we had lost connection – before she spoke again. Once again, her voice was eerie. "He was all over the place, Bella," she whispered. "I mean, I can't even describe it. When I came home, his music was so loud that I'm surprised he wasn't deaf. When I asked him to turn it down a little so the neighbors wouldn't get mad, he got _so_ angry. I asked him what was wrong and why you weren't there. . .then he left. He just stormed out of the house and didn't come back until late this morning. It was scary Bella."

I shut my eyes, though I was hardly surprised by what she had told me. He wasn't exactly known for being rational or for being able to keep his temper in check. "Do you know where he went?" I asked, my subconscious thoughts ignoring the warnings my mind was screaming not to rip up my heart anymore than it already was.

"We thought he went to your house at first. . .I mean, that's why I kept calling you. It's not like it's not normal for him to just leave because trust me, he does it all the time, but it was the way he reacted before he left, and I guess I was just worried. . ." Her frantic tone never left.

"We had a fight," I explained once again, before dropping my voice to such a low volume that I was sure she'd have a hard time hearing me. "And Alice, I–I think it's done."

"You mean _over_?" she corrected in shock. "Bella, it's not over. I promise you it's not, that's ridiculous. He just gets a little mad sometimes, that's all. It's definitely not just over." Her denial was almost assuring. Except for the fact that it wasn't. "Give me ten minutes and I'll be right over–"

"I left Forks," I announced flatly.

There was a long pause. "_What_?"

"I'm in Phoenix. With my mom."

Another pause. "Well fuck," I heard her mutter to herself. "I guess I better call Edward and have him turn around then. . ."

"Alice," I choked out. There was no stopping the tears. "Alice, just please. _Please_ don't say anything to him. I can't. . .I can't do this. I can't. It's over. I know it is. Don't force him into anything," I begged, welcoming the familiarity of the warm moisture roll down my cheeks.

Someone cleared their throat. I looked up to see Renee looking down at me. "Al, I gotta go," I whispered.

Before she could respond, I ended the call. I hopelessly attempted to wipe away my stupid tears but it was no use. She blinked. And then, in the next second, I was being pulled into her loving arms. "Oh, honey," she breathed into my hair. "You tell me which boy broke your heart and I'll break more than just theirs."

For the longest time we stood there as she hugged me tightly, letting me cry into her brand new leather jacket in the middle of a crowded terminal at the airport.

-oOo-

On the ride back to my mom's, I told her everything. And I really do mean everything. Her yellow cottage house was almost forty-five minutes from the airport and she hadn't been kidding about traffic.

I felt both exhausted and redundant as I went through those last few months with yet another person. Only this time, I didn't leave anything out. I told Renee every little detail. I told her about the first time we had met, about how cold he had been to me at first. I told her about the drugs, about his excessive use of expletives. I told her about the first time he had come to me that one rainy afternoon and then when he had come to me on Thanksgiving night. I explained how badly affected he was by his parents death – how badly he had been affected even before they died as well.

Like I said. I told her _everything_.

About how I had figured out he was bipolar – how I figured out that I loved him. And by the time we were pulling into the driveway, I was almost up to date.

"He was so mad, mom," I shook my head sadly. "I never should have said anything. . .God, I'm so stupid."

Renee, having been the perfect listener throughout the whole conversation, gave me a skeptical look before a remorseful expression crossed her face. "Honey, from what I've gathered, your Edward sounds like the stupid one."

In frustration, I swiped my hand over my wet, tired eyes. "He's not _my_ Edward, mom," I muttered. "He never was. Which is why I'm the stupid one for thin–"

"Bella," she cut me off sternly. "Do you realize how much that boy's worn off on you? Do you hear yourself?" She frowned as a crease in her forehead appeared. "Because it sure as hell sounds to me like you're blaming yourself for something that wasn't your fault," she gave me a pointed look. "Like you said Edward always does."

"But it _is_ my fault," I insisted automatically.

"_Stop_," she groaned, turning off the ignition while neither one of us moved from out of the car. "Baby girl, you need to stop doing this to yourself. When you left Phoenix, you were this girl who was full of life with a smile that could light up an entire auditorium. So why haven't I seen that smile?" I didn't say anything, staring ahead at the dashboard in silence. "You were _never_ the stupid one. _Never_. You did the right thing, baby. And if Edward doesn't realize how much light you've put into his life, then the boy can just go to hell."

I unbuckled my seatbelt, turning to her for another long embrace. "I've missed you, mom." And even though I tried my hardest to give her that smile she was referring to, I just didn't have it in me. Because god, it was just _so hard_.

Eventually, I gathered my emotions enough to get out of the car. I think Renee was relieved that I hadn't gone on another crying gag like I had at the airport. To be honest, I wasn't sure if I had any tears left. I mean, after so long, you'd think one would run out, right? I really hoped so, because I really didn't want to cry anymore. I just wanted to move past all of this.

Phil was out running last minute shopping at the grocery store for Christmas dinner, she explained before giving me space as I trudged up the stairs with my two bags and into my old bedroom. Nothing had changed, which surprised me greatly. I assumed that after I had moved out, Renee would immediately take that as an opportunity to refurnish the room and turn it into some sort of crazy yoga meditation area. She always had her ridiculous plans.

I set my bags on the floor next to my bed, bringing my toiletries bag into my old bathroom. When I glanced in the large vanity mirror, I found my face looking almost as miserable as I felt. My eyes were incredibly red and bloodshot while the rest of the color in my face had seemed to vanish.

I sighed, brushing my finger lightly over the bags in my eyes, wondering why they looked so familiar. . .

It would be Christmas Eve tomorrow. I seriously needed an attitude adjustment before I drove everyone else's holiday into the ground. Just because I was miserable didn't mean everyone else had to be.

After lying down on my old bed, I found myself pulling my cell phone out of my pocket. _2 missed calls_. One from Alice, one from Edward. And as much as I didn't want to hear his voice, I felt like I needed to listen to the messages he had left me.

I inhaled a shaky breath, entering my password before shortly being informed by an annoying robotic female voice that I had twelve new voice mails. Closing my eyes, I listened.

"_Hey, it's me. Listen,_" there was a long pause. "_We need to talk. So, um. . .Call me? Please?_"

I let out the breath that I had been holding, moving on to the next one.

"_Bella, please. Answer your phone. I'm sorry about before. Can you please just let me apologize? Please? Fuck, don't make me beg._"

The next few followed in suit, his messages very short, brief, and repetitive. I was utterly frustrated with him. What did he want to talk about? There was nothing _to_ talk about. Nothing. But apparently, he disagreed.

"_Fucking Christ, I'm going insane right now. Can you please just answer your damn phone? Would it be that hard to just talk? Just for a fucking minute?_" He then let out an exasperated sigh, no doubt running his fingers through his hair. I almost rolled my eyes. Until he started talking again. "_All the stuff I said to you. . .look. I didn't mean it. I mean, shit. I was just. . .mad. When I said you were like my parents, I didn't mean it. I just. . .god. I don't know. I just meant that you sometimes push me harder than you think and yeah. But I promise you I didn't mean any of it. I promise._"

More promises. I was so damn sick of his stupid promises. I almost threw my phone across the room. But then, his next message started.

"_Talking to no one sucks. Please pick up._"

His following messages varied from unjustifiable anger that was nearly the cause of my phones demise to irresistibly sweet, causing me to almost give in and call him.

"_Of all the stupid things you could do. . .really? Leaving the fucking state, Bella?_" His angry tone was hardly surprising. When I finally got to his twelfth and final message, I felt drained; I felt worse than I had before I had arrived here. And then he had to go using _that voice_. That musical, soft tone that made my insides melt regardless of how broken they seemed to be.

"_I didn't mean any of it_," he repeated for the hundredth time. "_I need you more than air. Please, just let me hear your beautiful voice. . ._"

With a deep sigh and a heavy heart, I shut my phone. This was going to be the longest Christmas of my life.

* * *

_I can't take it, this welcome is gone,  
and I've waited long enough to make it.  
And if you're so strong,  
you might as well just do it alone.  
And I'll watch you go._

_Come back home, won't you come back home?  
You step in line, you've got a lot to prove.  
It comes and goes, yeah it comes and goes.  
A step in time, yeah it's a lot to move._

_I know this will be temporary,  
I know this will be temporary.  
I know this will be.  
But I've had enough.  
_- Can't Take It, All American Rejects

**So remember that light we talked about? Yeah. It's still coming.**

**As ever, let me know what you thought. (:**


	24. Insomnia

**A/N: Happy late Thanksgiving, m'dears! In case you were wondering, I'm thankful for you all. So thankful it's crazy, you have no idea.**

**So I want all of you to think of different parts in the story you'd want to hear in Edward's perspective. I want your ideas so come the time I decided to began said outtakes, I know what you would most wanna hear via EPOV. Chances are, you guys might just get a Christmas present with this. (:**

**As always, Mary Beth deserves a lot of love for fixing up this beast of a chapter for you guys.**

**

* * *

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"Bells, honey, can you pass the gravy?"

I had been staring at my food for over five minutes without even realizing it. My mother's voice brought me back to the dinner table. I blinked and shook my head, trying to clear it. I glanced up at her, her kind expression marring concern. I tried to smile back as I carefully handed her the hot bowl of gravy but I'm sure it only appeared as a grimace. I tried not to notice the worried look she gave Phil after she thought I had looked away.

I knew she was worried. I hadn't slept any, talked much, or ate barely anything in the past forty-eight hours and I'm sure it was showing. Although I couldn't fathom why I was reacting the way I was, _why_ I couldn't just put on a smile for the sake of amusing my mom with the idea I was happy, as hard as I tried, I couldn't muster up even the smallest trace of a smile, of being somewhat content. It was utterly frustrating.

Edward hadn't called at all today. He hadn't left any voicemails, any texts, or anything. A part of me should have been happy that he had _finally_ given up trying to contact me, that he had finally realized I didn't want to talk, that he'd finally realized I needed my space. But the other part of me missed hearing his voice. Too many times I had to stop myself from replaying any one of his voice mails _just_ for the sake of hearing his voice. I didn't understand it at all.

It was like my mind was torn between refusing to acknowledge him and getting back on a plane to Forks that very minute. Rational me knew I should stay exactly where I was, keeping the original plan of my ten day stay.

_Irrational _me, however, wanted Edward's arms around me so bad that it was to the point of physical pain.

I tried to convince myself that the reason I hadn't been sleeping, that I couldn't function normally, that I was almost comatose was because I had too much on my mind, but I knew that wasn't it. Not at all. I hadn't been sleeping at all because, engraved into my mind, there was Edward. There was the constant reminder of how his eyes had lit up a room when they wanted to, how warm his smile had been and how important I had felt when it was directed at me. There was _us_. The us that I wasn't sure ever even existed.

I was beginning to wonder if my subconscious mind had just played up all of my positive feelings toward Edward. In fact, I realized that was exactly the case.

Other than a few rare times, when did Edward and I actually have _good_ times?

We didn't. Upon his constant insistence to refuse help, his unhealthy ways of coping with his emotions, his never-ending self hatred, and his disorder, I realized that somehow, much like everything else in regards to my life revolving around Edward, I had automatically cherry-coated our relationship. Which was why I had been so crushed when I realized that it had never even _existed_.

And that led me back to the main problem at hand: listen to rational me, or irrational me?

I sighed in frustration, unaware that instead of staring at my pile of untouched mashed potatoes, I was now glaring at it.

Edward and I had had _something_. There was something between us – there always _had _been. I was immediately angry at myself for pretending like that something had never existed. Granted, I was more than well aware that I had been entirely more invested in the idea than he had, he had still wanted it. At least, that's what he had told me.

After our fight, I honestly wasn't sure what to think anymore.

Which wasn't helping me pick a side either.

And I was so far beyond confused with the thoughts and ideas my mind was implanting into my brain that I really was at a loss as to what a plausible solution would be at this point on. Because I either wanted to kiss him or kill him. There was no happy middle in this situation, and until I found out the answer to that question, I was so much more dead than the deliciously seasoned turkey, now cold from its negligence, still sitting on my untouched plate.

If I didn't figure out my emotions soon, I might as well dig my own grave.

Either I wanted him or I didn't.

Either I loved him or I didn't.

Even though it had felt so right at the time, so justifiable, had I really loved him? Did I still love him? What the hell even was _love_? Who declared it? How did you _know _what if felt like? More importantly, how did you know you were _in_ it?

Did I really love Edward?

Or was it just another entertaining idea, like the concept of saving him or being in a relationship had been?

-oOo-

I paused hesitantly before continuing, taking a deep breath to get out my next words so I wouldn't breakdown again. "And wish Edward a merry Christmas for me too, Al."

She sighed. "Please do it yourself? _Please_?" When I didn't respond, she groaned in frustration. "This is getting _ridiculous_. I've never seen two people more stubborn than you two. While you're a thousand miles away trying to convince yourself that everything that happened between you and Edward was a mistake, he's locked up in his bedroom on Christmas, trying to convince himself that it's over–" There was shuffling in the background and I was faintly able to make out Seth's voice as Alice held the phone away from her mouth. "Shh, buddy. You can frost them as soon as they're out of the oven, okay? Anyways," she continued. "My point is that yeah, he fucked up. He does that a lot. But this time, Bella. . .I think he actually realizes it."

I swallowed the thick lump in my throat. "Alice, I can't. Not yet. _We_ can't."

"Why you insist to tear yourself up like this, I'm not sure," she chided sadly. "You know, you're starting to act a lot like Edward, hon."

I chuckled, even though nothing was funny. Then I sighed. "Why are you the second person who's told me that in the past few days?"

She wasted no time responding. "Because it's true. Sadly. Well, I gotta go. Seth's gonna burn the house down. I'll tell Edward you say merry Christmas."

I managed a small smile, though it felt wrong. "Thanks, Alice."

"Oh and, Bella?" she quickly added before ending the call. "Take care of yourself. _Please_."

"I will," I assured her, though I'm sure the intent was less than promising in my voice.

"I'm saying that for Edward," she informed me grimly. "You know what would be the bestest present in the world?" her tone suddenly brightened. "If you two would work things out."

"_Alice_," I started to protest before she cut me off with an abrupt but sweet dismissal.

"Love you, bye!" she sang in her sing-song voice before hanging up.

I placed my phone on the bedside table before slipping into a pair of summer pajamas. When I had explained to Alice that I had never had a Christmas with snow before, that I was missing out on anything because I was so used to living in Phoenix my whole life, she was shocked. Because even though she had lived in Florida for much of her life, she told me that her, Carlisle, and Esme would always fly to Forks for the holidays. She said snow was like the icing on the cake; that without it, the holidays wouldn't be the same.

I was beginning to wonder if she was right. . .

Admittedly, I was just relieved the day was over. I had been able to put on a happy face for Renee's sake, but there was only so long that I could keep up such drastic appearances when what I was really feeling was the complete opposite of happy.

I had called Charlie earlier that day, also wishing him a merry Christmas and apologizing once again for leaving so suddenly. He asked the same thing everyone else did. _Are you sure you're okay?_

And I don't think I had ever lied more in my life than I had in the last week. I was getting so sick of it, too. So tired of telling everyone that I was fine. But, really, what was I supposed to say? _I'm fine_ seemed to be the easiest response. And eventually, I really hoped it was the case.

-oOo-

Time dragged on. Renee, sensing my desires to forget Forks during my stay with her, tried keeping me as occupied as possible. Each night, she and Phil would take me to a different restaurant in the area, usually someplace that had been my favorite. During the day, while Phil was practicing with his team, she usually took me window shopping. Since shopping with Renee was much different than shopping with Alice, I actually enjoyed walking the streets of a less crowded Phoenix town where everyone was always smiling.

Well, _almost_ everyone.

She had me baking all kinds of things when we weren't going out to eat, insisting that she had missed my cooking almost as much as she had missed me.

When I wasn't with Renee, I spent most of my time reading out under the hot rays of the sun in my summer clothes, mostly just enjoying my time away from the constant rainy confines of Forks. Desperate for something to do, I found myself also reading every and any Jane Austen book so many times I could have probably rewrote all of them word for word.

Alice checked in periodically, making sure I was doing okay. After our conversation on Christmas, neither of us brought up Edward again into our short conversations. Carlisle, however, called me a few days later regarding what we had discussed before I had left. He asked me a little more about some of the events that had lead me to believe he was showing signs of mania, and then the same with depression.

I almost threw the phone against the wall.

_Bella_, he had asked, _What are some different times where he's shown signs of depression._

Was he serious? He had to have been joking, right? Well he wasn't. He was really that unaware of just how severely damaged Edward was. And even though him and I were still currently not on speaking terms, that didn't mean I couldn't feel sorry for how clueless and unaware the people closest to him had been about his inner turmoil.

Plus, even though I knew I was doing nothing wrong, I still felt bad for going behind his back again. Though I couldn't really help it at this point. He could hate me all he wanted to just as long as he was at least getting better. All the mattered was his well-being. Nothing else.

Carlisle, like everyone else on the planet, also asked me if I was okay. I felt so guilty every time I was asked that stupid question, knowing that it was Edward who needed to be asked it – Edward who never was asked it. Edward who was most certainly _never_ okay. But I guess it wasn't in my place to determine anymore. I had probably lost that right along with his trust. Because he had failed to see the actual intent behind my actions, and jumped to the worst conclusions like he always did.

But despite all of my lies, all of the "I'm fine"'s, I couldn't find it in me to feel completely remorseful in regards to our final fight. He didn't understand that my intentions were never to go behind his back. They were _always_ good. Always. I only ever did what I did because I loved him, and when he refused to see that, I refused to believe that he had ever even changed from the start. And suddenly, all of this doubt was put into my head. The right and the wrong.

I hated him for twisting my own thoughts on the matter. I hated him for making me feel like the bad guy in the situation. For causing me to second-guess everything I had ever done for him when, at the time, I knew all I ever wanted to do was to put him back together.

The reason I was so scared to talk to him was because I was afraid that the moment I heard his voice, I would hop on a plane and fly immediately back to Forks. That I would just forget every conflict in our relationship and, once again, easily convince myself there was absolutely nothing wrong between us. That we were fine. That there was no reason to consider everything we had said to each other before I had left and that all of it should just be forgotten.

I couldn't let that happen because otherwise I would find myself in this exact same situation. And I liked to think of myself as strong when it came right down to bitter reality, but I wasn't that strong. Not to go through another fight with him like that again.

Which is exactly what would happen if I called him right then, crying to him about how sorry I was for betraying him and how much I missed him. But that was the thing. I had nothing to apologize for. I _hadn't_ betrayed him.

By hearing his voice, my mind would betray me and my resolve would be instant.

I had to strengthen my will power before we talked again. I had to find away that this could work well enough so that we could sit down and talk, face to face, about what our future was looking like. If we even _had_ a future.

It's not like I could avoid him forever. I knew eventually we had to talk.

And even though I knew deep down that I wasn't okay with this distance, that I missed him an incredible amount, I dreaded the next time I saw him.

-oOo-

Every New Year's Eve, the neighborhood would gather around the block for a small party leading up to the countdown for the New Year. This year was just the same. In the Stanley's backyard, a great array of banners and decorations covered every inch of available surface area while over fifty people laughed and talked loudly amongst themselves.

I had talked with a few people, but that was all I had been able to manage. I mainly I just stayed sitting at a lone table with my nonalcoholic Shirley Temple at hand, staring off at the stars in the clear night as I tried my hardest not to let my mind wander back to the snowy state I had abandoned no longer than a week ago. Had it been that long already?

Eventually everyone gathered in their designated pairs for the infamous New Year's kiss. As the countdown approached, I left my table and found a spot away from everyone else in the grass.

"10. . .9. . .8. . ." I put my chin on my knees and stared up at the stars again. "7. . .6. . .5. . .4. . ." Everyone slowly moved towards one another. Some couples I recognized, some I didn't. "3. . .2. . ." I held my breath. "_1_!"

An eruption of fireworks suddenly shot into the sky, its colors blazing in contrast to the dark night sky. Between me and the brilliant lights in the sky, a pair of warm, green eyes stared back at me. I tried to blink them away, but it was no use. They wouldn't leave.

Some kisses lasted longer than others. I tried to ignore all of the loving embraces going on around me, but it was an impossible task. Edward Cullen's eyes continued to stare at me, and an unobstructed view of the fireworks continued to elude me. With a heavy sigh, I gave up trying to eliminate the constant images and memories in my head of last year's ups and downs.

_Happy New Years, Edward. Wherever you are, I wish you all the happiness the world could possibly offer this coming year. Please let it be a better one._

And with that, I raised myself off of the soft grass and walked back to the house, fireworks and cheers sounding loudly in the background the whole way. When I got inside, I checked my phone. No messages.

-oOo-

"Mom. . .what do I do?" My anxiety was certainly taking a toll on me at this point. And apparently my mother as well.

"Bella, Bella, _Bella_," she sighed in exasperation. "Honey, we've been over this. You'll be _fine_. You always do the right thing and I know that's never going to change. Trust yourself a little more."

We walked through the airport, busy as ever in response to the closure of the holidays, as Phil trailed closely behind with my luggage bags. "I'm just worried," I admitted, frowning. "I haven't seen or talked to him in almost two weeks. I've been completely ignoring him, mom."

"Or avoiding," she corrected. I opened my mouth to protest, but she went on to explain. "Bumble Bee, you have been avoiding that boy like a plague. And don't even give me that look," she snapped in response to my grimace. "You know it's true. And I know you're trying to convince yourself that it's because it's in both of your best interests as a couple and that by this space you're solving a major problem, but that's not the case. You've been too scared to confront him."

I took in what she said. I hadn't really realized until now the amount of venting I had been doing about my Edward issues. She had been patient. Really patient, actually. Up until now. Because Edward had been right about one thing, as much as I hated to admit it. I needed to grow up without the aid of everything being cherry-coated for me.

My breathing became shallow as I looked up at her uneasily. "What if things changed?" I whispered. "What if everything I said to him before I left changed absolutely everything between us?"

"Oh for God's sake, Bella," It wasn't Renee who spoke this time. It was Phil. "That's what couples do. They _fight_. It's not an apocalypse here."

Renee shot him a very unamused look, shaking her head. "_Nice_," she commented acidly, glaring at him. "You know, there was a reason you were walking behind us, hubby." Then, she returned her gaze to me, her eyes turning apologetic. "You do realize he _is_ right though, sweetie. Everyone has fights. Edward's a big boy, it sounds like, and he must have some redeeming qualities if you managed to fall in love with him in the first place, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt on this one. I'm sure once you see him and you two talk everything will be okay."

"It's not that simple," I mumbled.

"It doesn't have to be that hard," Phil chimed in from behind. Renee gave him another warning look.

"Sadly, he is right again," she confessed. I grimaced. "Things don't have to be hard unless you make them hard. Bella, you weren't just some fling to him. You were more than that. You _are_ more than that. All you two need to do is talk. I _promise_."

After I said my goodbyes to them, I boarded my flight back to Seattle. Three and a half long hours later, I was pulling into my empty driveway.

A fresh layer of snow had fallen since I had been gone, which unreasonably felt like years ago. I carried my suitcases up to my room before heading back downstairs to heat myself up a late lunch. On the table, I found a note attached to a plateful of cookies.

_Welcome home, Bells! Sorry I had to be at work. I'll give you all of your presents when I get home. These cookies are from the Clearwater's, and they also left you some leftover turkey if you wanna heat that up. Love you!_

I smiled to myself. I had really missed Charlie.

After eating one of the decorated sugar cookies on the plate, I decided to heat up the turkey he had mentioned. Once I was done, as I was bringing my dishes to the sink, my phone vibrated in my pocket. Panicking, I pulled it out, checking the ID. I let out a whoosh of air when I discovered it was only Alice.

"Hello?"

"Bella!" I heard the grin in her voice. "Did you get home okay? Are you even home yet? I'm stupid! Well duh you are, I mean, you answered your phone–"

"Alice," I cut her off, chuckling. "I'm home. Hi."

"Bella, can you _please_ come over?" she asked hopefully. "I haven't seen you in _forever_."

I bit my lip. I hadn't even been home for a mere hour. "Alice, I don't know if that's a really good idea. . ."

"He's not even home right now," she insisted, urging me on. "It's just me, Seth, and Esme."

I refrained from asking her where exactly Edward was. It was his life – he could do whatever the hell he wanted with it. Besides, it didn't really concern me anymore. I sighed. "I'll be over in fifteen."

-oOo-

Sure enough, the first thing I noticed as I turned the corner onto their street was Edward's shiny silver Volvo very present in the Cullen's driveway. My grip on the steering wheel tightened as did the muscles in my stomach. I half-considered turning around. Actually, it took everything in me _not_ to turn around.

_Just breathe, Bella_.

I parked alongside the curb, crossing my arms over my chest for warmth as I walked up to the front door. I knocked twice, praying with everything in me that he wouldn't be the one to answer.

Alice answered. I immediately narrowed my eyes at her. "You said he wasn't here," I accused angrily.

"Because I knew you wouldn't come if I said he was," she frowned. "Bella, come on. He doesn't know you're here and he doesn't have to.

I sighed. "Only because I missed you, Al."

"Yay!" She clapped her hands together in excitement. "Oh I was for _sure_ you would have booked it in the opposite direction!"

"Shhh," I hissed, glancing warily around the room before looking back at her and rolling my eyes. "You're glad I love you." She pulled me into a tight, Alice hug before tugging me by the hand up to her room.

We passed Edward's bedroom door which was closed. I didn't read into it much because his door was always closed regardless of whether he was in there or not. For all I knew he was hiding in Alice's closet. Oh God. As soon as we entered her room, I walked over to her closed closet, checking inside it. No Edward. I breathed a sigh of relief. She raised a quizzical eyebrow at me.

"I wouldn't put it past you to hide him in there in attempts of an intervention," I explained.

She rolled her eyes. "Not that it didn't cross my mind, I just decided I wouldn't do that to you. You and my cousin will work this out eventually without my help, I'm convinced."

"And if we don't?" I inquired irritably.

She rolled her eyes, not even bothering to answer my apparently ridiculous scenario.

Alice caught me up to speed on everything I had missed, which apparently hadn't been much. She showed me what Jasper had gotten her for Christmas and talked about the romantic sleigh ride he had taken her on. She talked about the Winter formal, about how Emmett and Rosalie had been king and queen. She never mentioned Edward once, which I was grateful for. I provided her with very little detail about how Phoenix was.

And before I knew it, it was dark outside and almost time for dinner. Since Charlie was getting home around six, I decided it would be a good idea to leave so that I could prepare him his favorite meal since he had missed my cooking for two whole weeks. And he was also leaving for a security conference down in Seattle tomorrow morning for all of Sunday and Monday since today was already Saturday. I wanted to spend the remainder of the night with him even if that meant watching a professional hockey game on his beloved big screen.

Alice completely understood, grinning and once again letting me know she was glad I was back. I hugged her once again before I left, thanking her for being such an amazing friend when I wasn't.

I quietly exited her bedroom, walking down the hallway to the grand staircase.

And then I stopped.

Because Edward was walking up the grand staircase.

And I practically crumpled at the sight of him.

I noticed him before he noticed me, and I instantly took a step backwards before he reached the top. His eyes were glued on the ground, and I had to move out of the way so that he wouldn't run into me. I silently prayed he wouldn't notice I was there. But then he looked up at me and I was done for.

His green eyes were so tired. So sad. The moment we looked at each other was immeasurable, and I don't think I breathed at all the whole time. He took a step towards me, and I automatically grimaced. It took everything in me not to burst into tears and fall apart in front of him, though I wasn't exactly sure why.

Regardless, I refused to let him see me cry anymore.

I had to get home. So I could see Charlie. So I wouldn't run into Edward's arms. I was about to walk right past him and leave but then he said my name. "Bella." I felt my heart break for the thousandth time since I had met him.

I closed my eyes, letting my head fall. "Edward, I have to go," I whispered almost inaudibly.

"Don't do this," he begged, his voice unbearably soft.

I rapidly blinked the moisture out of my eyes. I had to go home. "I have to go," I repeated.

I tried to step around him when without warning, I was being pressed against the wall. He towered over me, creating a cage as he rested the palms of his hands on the wall on each side of my face. I was trapped. "Bella," he said once again. His tone was desperate, his eyes pleading.

"Edward, no," I protested weakly as he began lowering his face to mine. No, we couldn't do this. It was too soon. There was too much we hadn't worked out yet. _No_. We needed to talk. This wouldn't help anything.

_No_.

My mind continued to race as he got closer. I clenched my eyes shut once again right before his warm, soft lips were fully over mine. I didn't budge. I didn't breathe. He sucked on my top lip. I still didn't move. He did it again.

Nothing.

Because I knew this wasn't right. This wasn't a solution. I _refused_ to make the same mistake twice.

He dropped his arms from the wall, instead moving them to either side of my face, gently cupping my cheeks. His lips continued to move on mine, but I didn't respond. "Kiss me back, Bella," he begged finally. "_Please_ kiss me back."

But I couldn't. Not yet.

I lightly pushed on his chest, and he immediately responded. He stepped back, retreating with a hurt expression on his face like I had slapped him. His eyes dropped to the floor, and I knew he was about to continue walking.

I couldn't help it. I wasn't able to stand seeing that expression knowing I had caused it, regardless of where we currently stood with each other. Without thinking, I grabbed one of his hands. His eyes immediately shot up to mine, the hope present throughout the emerald depths enough to clench painfully at my heart.

"I really have to leave," I told him in a remorseful whisper.

He squeezed my hand very tightly. "We need to talk, Bella."

With a shaky breath and a rash decision, I squeezed it back before releasing it. "We can talk tomorrow. I'll call you."

He closed his eyes momentarily, a ghost of a smile appearing at his lips. "Thank you," he whispered simply.

And then I left, like I told him I had to.

Though maybe everyone had been right. Maybe there was a chance we could still somehow do this.

-oOo-

Sure enough, Charlie's cruiser was parked in the driveway when I arrived home.

I parked in the garage, taking a few moments to gather myself before getting out of my truck. Not that that was even possible. Edward's confrontation and how easily I had given into him ran so clearly in my mind that it was impossible for me not to dwell on the possibilities of the conversation we would be having tomorrow.

Because there was no use in putting it off. It had to happen eventually, so I figured I might as well get it over with before I lost anymore sleep over that damn boy.

And by the looks of him, he needed this talk more than I did. I questioned how far he would really push himself to stay awake and couldn't help but worry the toll it had taken on him over these last two weeks.

But if I was being completely honest with myself, the reason I agreed to talk to him so soon was because I was concerned for the results of what it would do to the both of us had I continued to ignore him completely.

Renee was right, of course. Everyone was right.

I couldn't ignore him forever, and the longer I kept it up, the worse off we would be in the long run.

I finally got out of my truck and entered the house. To my surprise, I found an unopened pizza box on the counter. Smiling, I carried it over into the living room where he was sitting in his recliner and set it onto the coffee table before sitting down on the couch next to him and taking a piece.

He grinned, following my actions and taking a piece of his own. "How's my girl?" he asked before taking a bite out of his slice.

I managed to smile for him, hoping his concern for me wasn't too bad anymore like it had been before I left. "Good," I answered, swallowing a bite of pizza. "Phoenix was nice. Warm."

He rolled his eyes. "And here I was thinking it would be so miserably cold. You and your wonderful descriptions," he chuckled, shaking his head while taking another bite. "But I'm glad you're back in one piece, nonetheless."

"I _did_ miss the snow," I confessed, grinning. "I promise though, next year I'll come _here_ for Christmas."

His smile actually made _me_ feel good. It took so little to make Charlie so happy. "Can't wait, Bells."

-oOo-

As oddly comforting as I found my bed to be after my long trip, it wasn't enough to get me to sleep. I would be lying to myself if I said it was the bed's fault though. And the fact that after two weeks of little to no sleep, I was deeply confused as to why I even bothered trying.

I wondered if that was how Edward felt every night.

The only difference between my recent insomnia and his never-ending insomnia was that he didn't sleep because of guilt, the death of his parents, his disorder, and his unstoppable negativity towards all things involving himself. I didn't sleep because of him.

Awesome.

I was so glad to know who the pathetic one was here.

I must have hit a record for my all time low amount of sleep that night. I got one hour. And that was already a slightly generous exaggeration. I wondered how it was impossible for my body to even function properly anymore. Or my brain.

I wondered how long I would keep this up.

Maybe once Edward and I got this whole mess resolved with each other, _then _I would go back to my normal, _healthy_ amount of sleep each night. As nice as the idea sounded though, I highly doubted it would end up being the case. I lost sleep over Edward all the time, regardless of whether we were fighting or not. Because once again, I was the pathetic one.

On top of being a step away from a zombie, somehow I still managed to be very aware and alert of what was coming. I had to call Edward eventually. We had to talk sometime today. And as much as I wanted to burst out into tears at the mere idea, we would have to do it face to face.

Renee had been right. I _was_ scared to death to talk to him. Our very short encounter yesterday proved just that. What would I say to him? What would _he_ say to _me_? Would he kiss me again? Would I let him?

I was terrified.

And I half considered prolonging this talk even longer before realizing that he probably wouldn't let me. Besides, I would see him at school tomorrow. The only way I could avoid him there was by making a scene. I would do no such thing.

So I was basically a step away from having a panic attack.

With my anxiety at an all time high, I was barely even able to eat my bowl of cereal and change into a pair of sweats and a tank top. I had glanced at Edward's hoodie for a very long moment, too bitter about its presence in my room to put it on, before I eventually decided to just proceed on with the day in my camisole. The cold would help keep me awake anyways.

I spent a majority of my morning catching up on laundry and straightening the house. Even though the last thing I wanted to do was eat given the circumstances, I heated up some more of the Clearwater's leftovers regardless.

A little after one was when I finally decided to brave up. The text I sent him was simple.

_Finishing some homework. You can come over for dinner later_.

There. At least that way I still had a few more hours. He responded almost instantly after I had pressed the send button.

_Thanks, Bella_.

I don't know why he was thanking me. If he wasn't aware of how much mending needed to be done, then I wasn't sure how this would work. And with that small seed of doubt planted in my head, my stress immediately kicked up another ten notches. To the point where I was almost very near hysterics.

I wasn't lying to Edward though about the homework. I hadn't brought any with me to Phoenix which meant that I had more than just a little to work on. The unlikely chance of a distraction it would provide frustrated me. There was no way I could work with my head so crammed with thoughts and worries for later that evening.

Dragging my heavy backpack up the stairs, I finally just plopped down on my bed, lying on my stomach with my text books and notebooks spread out around me. It was more than a struggle not for me to look at the clock every five seconds, and to my utter horror, time seemed to be passing at a very unwelcome, rapid speed.

I wasn't ready.

My eyes were so dry. I found myself closing them more frequently than usual. Each time I closed them though, they grew heavier and heavier. Pretty soon, my math book started to feel really comfortable. I told myself I'd only close my eyes and put my head down for a minute. . .

-oOo-

When I woke up, my room was dark, all except for the lamp on my bedside table which gave off a warm, luminous glow to the room. I slowly sat up, flexing my fingers and curling toes as I blinked my groggy eyes enough times to adjust them to my settings.

I felt warm. I shouldn't have felt warm – I was in a tank top and the heat wasn't anywhere near seventy. My shoulders should have been frozen off, but they weren't. I noticed a blanket draped over my body. Had I put that there? No, I decided. No I didn't. So who did?

I unthinkingly glanced at the clock before my eyes grew wide. It was just after eight.

Which meant a long time after dinner. I instantly sat up.

My phone had three missed calls, all from Edward of course. I began to panic, frantically dialing his number. He answered right away, and I was instantly relieved that his voice wasn't angry. "Bella," he answered softly.

"I'm so sorry, Edward," I immediately began to apologize. "I fell asleep, I'm sorry."

His tone was incredibly quiet. "I know. I'm, uh. . .I'm kinda downstairs right now. . ."

I froze. He was _here_? In my house? _Right now_? And there was that stupid, irrational panic once again. I wanted to scream at myself for being so ridiculous. It was only Edward. Edward who must have taken my silence the wrong way. Before I knew it, words of explanation were being quickly rushed out of his mouth. "I'm sorry I just kinda came in. I knocked and you didn't answer, and then I tried again, and you still didn't answer. Then you didn't answer your phone and I got worried." His voice became flat. "I wasn't strong enough to handle you ignoring me anymore, Bella," he confessed. "But then I found you up here and I realized you weren't ignoring me and yeah. I didn't want to wake you up."

I put two and two together in regards to the blanket. I almost smiled. Almost. Instead I sighed. "I wouldn't have been able to ignore you anymore even if I wanted to, Edward," I admitted sadly. "Which is why I think you should come up here so we can have this discussion face to face."

* * *

_I tried so hard,  
and got so far.  
But in the end, it doesn't even matter.  
I had to fall, to lose it all,  
but in the end, it doesn't even matter._

_I've put my trust in you,_  
_pushed as far as I can go._  
_And for all this, there's only one thing you should know. . .  
_- In the End, Linkin Park

**I shall patiently be awaiting by my inbox. (;**


	25. Us

**A/N: First of all, how tight is it that we broke 1000 reviews? Pretty tight, I'd say. Give yourselves all a big hug and imagine it's from me, will ya? And since I really don't have anything else important to say, I'll spare you all the anxiety of waiting any longer.**

IMPORTANT: My internet was being incredibly sketchy last night along with FF refusing to cooperate, so I'm gonna be doing 24's review replys throughout the period of my school day whenever I get the chance to whip out my laptop. For fear not, my loves, I am NOT ignoring you. You'll get one for this chapter AND next chapter as well. I promise. (:

MB's my hero for life. True story.

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* * *

**

Less than a minute later, Edward appeared in the doorway. His hands were buried in the pockets of his jeans and he wore a plain black t-shirt. He set his leather jacket neatly on my desk. His hair was as disheveled as ever, and his eyes remained just as bloodshot as always from his ever so constant refusal to sleep. He took a cautious step in, his expression deeply troubled. "Hi," he finally whispered, settling into the rocking chair in the closest corner to my bed.

As much as I appreciated the space he had given me, my resolve to be firm was already weakening and I couldn't help but push all of my books and homework off my bed, clearing off the space in front of me. "This doesn't need to be hard," I told him quietly, biting my lip.

With comprehension in his eyes, he slowly got up and sat across from me in the space I had cleared for him. I felt an odd sense of déjà vu, bringing me back to Thanksgiving night. With a slight pit in my stomach, I worried tonight would be no better.

Neither of us said anything for a long while. I gazed into his green eyes, into the astonishing depths, as he steadily kept them connected with mine. It was him who spoke first. "There's not gonna be an apology in the world I can give you to make up for the things I said to you, Bella." He shook his head sadly. "I wish I could tell you that it had been the drugs but they had never been the problem. They hadn't said those things to you. And god, you don't know how fucking difficult it was for me to comprehend the magnitude of my actions."

Like on cue, he ran a hand through his hair. I had missed that. Remaining silent as my eyes stayed completely focused on his, I allowed him to continue. "I was so mad at the time. I was so mad at myself for not being able to come to terms with what you had done and your intentions behind it." A humorless, hallow chuckle escaped his lips. "But that's the thing. You didn't _do _anything. You didn't deserve anything I said to you."

He was making me feel guilty. And I didn't want to feel guilty because he deserved to grovel the way he was, but at the same time, I couldn't watch it happen. Not when I felt like such a big contribution to our fight.

"I didn't mean to go behind your back like that, Edward," I explained, my voice pleading for him to understand. "I just didn't know what to do. I didn't want. . .I didn't want you to get–"

"Angry," he finished firmly. "You didn't want me to get angry. Which is exactly what happened." Once again, he shook his head. "Bella, I need you to _not_ apologize, okay? I need to do this. I owe this to you. If you start apologizing. . .God, I won't be able to do it. Just _please_ don't. Please let me do this."

His vulnerability was heartbreaking. He was trying so hard to make things right, but at the same time, he was terrified that he would make them wrong. I was growing weak. I wanted so badly to wrap my arms around him, but I resisted. Instead I let him go on, just like he wanted to.

"Bella, from day one I've been an ass to you. And you had every right to leave me the way you did. Because at the time, I thought you were just a pain in my ass," he shot me a sad half-grin. I encouraged him with a small, fraction of a smile in return. "But I was so fucking wrong about that. And I didn't realize it until you were almost a thousand miles away, when I couldn't do anything about it."

He sighed, looking away from me for the first time. "And I just wanted to let you know that you were right about me. Right about all of it. I just didn't want to hear it."

"You're not mad," I stated, my voice barely audible. I somehow knew this all along, I think.

"I'm mad at myself for never being able to see it. That's the worst part about all of this." His bright green eyes met mine once again, softening. "Realizing that you were right. . .and then realizing how badly I had fucked things up between us after you left."

"I'm sorry," I responded automatically.

He groaned, shutting his eyes and leaning his head back. "I told you not to say that," he muttered. "And besides, if I were you, I would have left a long, long time ago." He opened his eyes back up, his expression turning utterly torn. "How have I been so fucking stupid this whole time? After I realized all the shit I said to you that day I felt sick to my fucking stomach. I refused to believe I had been so cruel. . ." He paused for an unbearably long moment. "But I had."

I couldn't watch him beat himself up like this anymore. That would make _me_ cruel. "Edward, it's okay." And as much as he told me not to blame any of this on me, I had to. "It was irrational for me to leave like that. _I'm_ sorry. Please let me talk?" He stared at me, his eyes masked in pain as he finally nodded in defeat.

"I was just hurt," I explained, grimacing at the memory. "Hurt that you went back to the drugs instead of going to me." I sighed. "I think that's why I went to Carlisle and not you. I was so mad and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have just left."

He looked impossibly even more tormented at the mention of another apology. "No, Bella, I needed it. I needed you to leave so that I could finally realize how much I would be missing without having you in my life. Because fuck, you do _so much_ for me. So much. And up until then, I had taken you for granted." He paused for a moment, looking away. "I'll completely understand and respect you if you don't want things to go back to the way they were."

I frowned. "Things _can't_ go back to the way they were," I informed him. Even though he tried to hide it so hard, I saw his expression slip into that of immediate hopelessness.

"I get it." He then dropped his gaze to his lap.

"_No_," I immediately explained myself. "That's not what I meant. I just meant that. . .that we can't keep doing things like we were before." I couldn't go back to thinking,_ I hate you. I love you. I want nothing to do with you. I want everything to do with you._

Because I knew he would always have that power over me. And when he left, I wish my mind could have controlled my heart. I had hated _so_ _much_ the awful place he had me trapped in. "Edward, here's the thing," I bit my lip, hesitantly reaching for his hand. He took it in both of his like it was his lifeline. "No matter how much you hate me. . .I always still seem to care about you. And you have no idea how much I _hate_ that," I told him honestly. "I wish that I could just stop caring, Edward. Really, I do." I swallowed, blinking once. "But I can't."

His relieved expression quickly turned somber. His desperate voice was just barely above a whisper. "So what do we do to make this work?"

I managed to find enough confidence to say my next words. "I'm not giving up on you," I promised him, squeezing his hand.

He squeezed it back. "I'll do absolutely _everything_ in my power to get your trust back, Bella." His lips began to turn up into a smile. My own facial muscles seemed confused about the smile of my own now spreading across my face after so many days of atrophy. "I'll do whatever you think is best. I'll do fucking _anything_."

I should have known before we had even had this discussion that I could never stay mad at Edward. Not forever, at least. He was right about the fight – we _both_ needed it to happen. I needed to realize that this wouldn't be as easy as everything else in my life, and he needed to realize that I wasn't permanent. Going through that was ultimately what made us _that_ much stronger.

But before my smile could progress any more, it settled back into a grim line. There was still his disorder he had not yet brought up. I took a deep breath. "Bipolar disorder describes your mood swings _so _well. Think about it, Edward. It makes sense."

His eyes shut as he hung his head, not saying anything.

"We need to talk about this," I whispered, reaching my other hand out to stroke through his messy strands of hair. "I'm sorry."

"I know," he sighed finally after a long length of silence. "I know."

"It's _not_ a weakness," I declared, pleading he would listen. "It's a serious illness that's not your fault." I unthinkingly scooted closer to him until our knees were touching. His eyes widened in response to the sudden closeness in response to our close proximity. I think he was still afraid about what happened yesterday to touch me without my permission. "And, Edward," I whispered as an encouraging, _genuine_ smile overtook my lips, "I promise to be with you every step of the way if you promise just to try."

"Don't promise that," his voice was grim. "That's too big of a promise, and I can't ask you to try and keep it; it's too big of a commitment. Besides," his eyes cautiously met mine once again. "I think we've established how hard it is to keep promises." He smiled sadly as I grimaced, my forehead creasing.

"I'm doing this because I _want_ to, Edward," I told him in determination. "I'm not doing it because I feel like I have to, or that I owe it to you. I'm promising you this because I know that this time. . .I can keep it."

It was like he was trying to make me back down on this. Like he was refusing to accept what I wanted to give him. He ever so slightly narrowed his eyes, challenging me. "What happens the next time I lose my shit? The next time I yell at you? 'Cause there's gonna be a next time, Bella. There's _always_ gonna be a next time." His negativity was returning, slowly replacing his hope. I didn't like it one bit.

"Then we'll do _this_." I squeezed his hand once more. "We'll talk about it."

He chuckled quietly, shaking his head. "It's not that simple."

I appreciated the irony of the situation – how no longer than earlier that morning I was the one saying those exact words. "Don't be so hard on yourself," I pleaded with him. "We can do this, Edward. Think about it," I urged. "We've made it _this_ far. We can keep going. We don't have to give up now." I inhaled a steady breath, enabling my next words to convince the both of us. "_We can do this_."

As slowly as ever, Edward raised his gaze until it finally met mine. In the dim, warm lighting of my bedroom, his green eyes smoldered as they looked up at me through his long lashes. I could feel my heart beating rapidly in my chest as I became very aware of _him_. His scent, his voice, his eyes. The uncertainty in his emerald depths that clenched at my heartstrings.

It was simply _us_.

Because as dysfunctional as our relationship was, as completely different the two of us were, it was still _us_. And I had never been more confident than in that moment about whether or not we would be okay. No matter how foggy the answer to that question had been only a short while ago, there was no doubt in my mind as to what the answer was now.

"Edward," I whispered, no longer doubting myself. His lips parted ever so slightly in response and my heart rate increased to an even faster pace. "I'll kiss you back this time."

The uncertainty slowly left his features, replacing the smoldering emerald with the need to fulfill my invitation. Without wasting anytime, he closed the space between us and pressed his mouth against mine. I could feel the smile he was trying to fight back as he placed several chaste kisses on my lips. One on the left corner, one on the right corner, and finally, he took my top lip in his.

I sighed in contentment as I allowed myself to become familiar once again with the sweet sensation that was his lips. It started slow, with one of his hand cupping my cheek while the other rested on the back of my neck, before I found myself digging my fingers into his hair, pulling him closer to me. I laid myself on the bed, my head supported by the softness of my pillows, while I pulled him back with me. He hovered over my body, resting his on top of mine though still supporting his own weight so that he wouldn't squish me.

Our kissing became less careful than it normally was. More reckless. The reasoning was a combination of many things, the most obvious being that I missed him. Also, I needed to know there still was an _us_. In a way, it was like we were forging our new promises to each other, walking into this with hope that we'll somehow get out together. As we alternated from top lip to bottom lip, our tongues eventually joined in. It wasn't long before I was gasping for air, practically panting in his mouth as I refused to separate from him for even a second.

I had missed him. _So _much. And the way I was reacting from our much needed reunion was beyond my control. Because it wasn't long before my hands began running themselves over the broad muscles of his chest I could feel through the fabric of his t-shirt. I heard him groan into my mouth before the way he was kissing me quickly grew frantic.

His mouth moved away from mine as he began a trail of kisses across my jaw line and down to my neck. His copper hair tickled the side of my face as he buried his head in the crook of my neck, sucking and kissing my skin. I couldn't help myself by slipping my hands under his shirt. His skin felt fiery hot under my hands yet he still shuddered above me at my touch. I already knew Edward was built, but _holy crap_. I could hardly stop my hands from wandering once they were below the fabric. I ran them over his delicious muscles again and again before I decided the restraint of his shirt wasn't giving me enough access.

I only had to tug at it for a few moments before he caught on to what I was silently asking of him. His green eyes were so incredibly intense as they opened up to meet mine. I very nearly melted at the sight of them. With his help, I was able to successfully discard his shirt to the floor. His lips were back on mine before I even had the chance to blink.

My hands continued to roam over across his hot skin as he continued to kiss me senseless.

Okay, so I was no expert on this kind of stuff, but I was fairly sure that if we kept this up, _things_ would happen. Things that at this point, I couldn't exactly object against.

So instead of just over-thinking and over-analyzing everything like I always did for every second of my life, I allowed myself just this once to feel simply what I wanted to feel. I allowed myself to _do_ what I wanted to _do_. Even if we still had so much left to talk about. Even if that meant going against everything I had learned in the past couple of weeks and giving myself over to him completely.

It may not have been the smartest decision in my life. It sure as hell wasn't rational. But somehow I think we needed this. . .this _closeness_.

Which is exactly why a smile instantly took over my lips when one of his hands moved its tight grip to my waste. And before I knew what was happening, Edward rolled over onto his back, tugging me on top of him this time. Straddling his waist, I wasted no time attacking his lips once again. I felt my body responding to this new position in ways that were totally unfamiliar. Without even realizing what I was doing, I began grinding my hips into his as my hands gripped tightly onto his shoulders. The moans he was failing to hold back only encouraged me further.

I knew we shouldn't have been doing this – that neither of us were ready for this kind of connection when we both had so much to patch up between each other. But I literally couldn't stop. And apparently, neither could Edward.

Up until that point, his hands had remained solely on either side of my waist. Just like I had with his shirt, he did the same with my white cami. Without hesitation I allowed him to pull it over my head and toss it on the floor next to his shirt. And even though I was extremely aware that the only thing covering my chest was a plain black bra, I managed to push away my insecurities enough to enjoy the live wires running throughout my entire body when his hands finally began climbing up my torso.

I gasped loudly into his mouth as his fingers traced the outline of my bra, trailing all the way to the center of my back where the clasp was. He stopped kissing me momentarily, and I moved my face back a few inches to see him open his eyes. With his fingers still hovering over the clasp and his bright eyes smoldering in the dim light of the room, he gave me a cautious look, his voice low and husky. "Is this okay?"

I answered him by crashing my lips back to his. He smiled against my mouth as I felt his fingers lightly undo the clasp, revealing my bare chest. And still, I managed to refrain from feeling self-conscious. Even though I had never done this before, never allowed anyone such a personal part of me, I trusted Edward. Because even after everything we had been through, I had to trust him. I had to trust that he meant everything he had said to me earlier that night.

Besides. It was kinda too late to go back on this regardless of whether I wanted him to stop or not. It wasn't physically possible for either of us I don't think, and even if I was positive it was a bad idea because of how little had actually been discussed and resolved between us, I needed Edward.

I _wanted_ Edward.

And I decided to tell him just that. I moved my lips to his ear and planted a kiss right below it, causing his whole body to shiver. "I want you."

Everything about Edward changed then. Like he hadn't been expecting me to say anything like that, his brilliant eyes shot open, blazing almost as intense as a fire. And then his lips were on me once again. And so were his hands. My words had clearly opened some sort of floodgates inside of him and suddenly, he wasn't holding anything back.

Once again we rolled over, switching positions so that he was on top of me. I moaned beneath him in between our breathless kissing as his hands squeezed and pinched at the sensitive skin of my breasts. While one of his hands continued to recklessly roam my chest, the other moved down my abdomen until he was tugging on the drawstring of my sweatpants. I arched my back into his hands, urging him on. In seconds I was kicking off the unwanted clothing article just as he did the same with his jeans.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling his face roughly down to mine as I tugged and pulled uncontrollably at his hair. I knew what was coming. All that was left was his plaid boxers and my (at this point very _wet_) panties and frankly, I was getting quite sick of the barrier. I started grinding my hips down on his once again, only this time I could_ really_ feel him. And even though in the back of my mind I knew it would hurt, I didn't so much as stop kissing him as he removed my last piece of clothing covering myself.

He held himself up by his arms, both hands on either side of my head as I became very aware of his warm body hovering over mine. Before I knew what I was doing, I slid the elastic waistband of his boxers down past his waist until he was able to kick them off himself.

And then we were both naked.

_Really_ naked.

So how could this be a bad idea? When he was looking at me with eyes that smoldered enough to put a fire to shame, how could this possibly be wrong? The anticipation of what was coming became painful and before I could stop myself, I was pleading and whimpering into his mouth for him to do something. _Anything_.

But then he stopped kissing me. He rested his forehead on mine as our chests rose and fell, our heavy breathing the only sound in the silent room. When I finally opened up my eyes, they were met by his. "_Please_," I begged desperately, my voice no higher than a whisper. "Please, please, please, Edward. Just do it." When he didn't say anything, I slowly brought one of my hands to rest on his cheek. The skin there was smooth and soft due to his recent shaving. "Just this _one thing_. Don't think about it just this _once_."

The depths of his eyes never changed and he didn't so much as blink. "I don't. . .I don't have a, um. . ."

I swallowed once, answering before I had the chance to process my irrational response. "It's okay," I murmured immediately. "I don't care."

Even though I knew it wasn't okay – that deep down nothing about this was okay, that I was just running away from the real problem once again, I found myself unable to regret my decision. Because I wanted us to have this. To finally have _something_ good for once. I was so desperate that nothing in that moment could have stopped me from wanting so badly for this to happen.

"Please," I whispered once again.

In what seemed like complete concentration, he lowered his body down a fraction of an inch, his eyes still refusing to leave mine. "Yeah?" he breathed, the impossible intensity of his eyes catching me off guard.

With wide eyes and butterflies in my stomach, I eagerly nodded back. When his lips stopped the trembling of my own, I allowed my eyes to fall shut once again as his body slowly lowered down onto mine.

Then, Edward was inside of me.

And just like it was impossible to push the pain away, pushing away the tears that pricked my eyes was even harder. I bit down onto Edward's shoulder, muffling my painful cry as I felt him slowly push through my tight walls. I bit down even harder once he pushed himself completely in. Aside from the obvious pain, there was also extreme discomfort. It wasn't supposed to feel like this, was it? It was supposed to hurt, but surely not _this _bad, right?

Edward remained completely still above me as I tried to ease into the sensation. With my eyes clenched tightly shut and my body trembling, I felt his soft lips brush mine as light as a feather. And then again. And then again. And before I could even register what was happening, I was too distracted by his gentle kisses to notice that he had once again started moving.

The pain and discomfort slowly became more bearable as Edward continued his careful movements. "Relax," he coaxed in his honey voice, brushing the loose strands of hair away from my sweaty face.

The more I allowed myself to listen to Edward, the less uncomfortable I became. His deep kisses were able to calm me down enough to realize that it didn't hurt so much anymore. That in a weird way, it actually felt. . .good. Yeah, definitely good. It wasn't long before I was able to start kissing him back.

He began kissing me harder, his pace slowly beginning to increase. Edward was fighting a losing battle with himself. He was trying – trying _so _hard to make this about me and keep himself from hurting me, but he was slipping. We both knew it. Maybe this was why he had been so hesitant with me all along.

Because pretty soon his movements became frantic. I couldn't find words to tell him to stop or to slow down, so I tried matching his intensity. But I just couldn't. This wasn't me. I couldn't _do _this. But I couldn't tell him to stop either. If I told him to stop, he'd feel like he had done something wrong. Because that's how Edward was. That's how he _always was_. And I refused to allow him to feel like that anymore, especially since I had the ability to prevent it. So once again, I clenched my eyes painfully shut as I silently handed him over my willpower, hoping to God he wouldn't hurt me again.

_This was reckless_.

_We weren't ready_.

_Why had I thought this was a good idea?_

With each thrust came a sense of guilt, thoughts I couldn't push from my mind even in my current state.

_We shouldn't be doing this_.

_This wasn't okay_.

I felt my body betray my mind as the muscles in my lower abdomen began to clench. The more the irresistibly bittersweet feeling grew, the more eager I was for it to arrive despite my destructive state of mind.

_We needed more time_.

_I should stop him_.

_We weren't ready_.

I cried out, throwing my head back into the pillows as every inch of my body finally constricted around the building climax. My toes curled completely while my nails dug themselves into the skin of Edward's back.

After what seemed like an entire life time, my body became limp below his, the only movements being the rapid rising and falling of my chest as my heart rate attempted to slow itself down to a normal level.

I was too far gone to notice Edward collapse on top of me.

When he eventually noticed his massive body was crushing mine, he rolled off of me. Neither of us said anything for a long while, the only sounds in the room being our heavy breathing. My regretful thoughts lingered in my mind, never leaving as he lied silently next to me. I could only imagine the thoughts in his.

But for once, I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to think about how much damage I had just done. I didn't want to think about the consequences of my actions. I didn't want the night to end on a negative note like it always did no matter how badly I wanted a rewind button.

I wanted to wait.

I didn't want him to doubt himself again. I didn't want to regret it. At least not now. I knew I had done something stupid, but at the time, I had just needed to know that we was there.

I wanted to feel his arms around me and fall asleep again, because at least that way I knew my dreams would be able to comprehend what had just happened between us.

I didn't say anything as I curled myself up to his warm body and neither did he as he held me tightly against him. I felt him bury his face into my mess hair, his strong arms flexing around my exhausted, aching body.

I managed a weak smile because as imperfect as the moment was, it was still us.

It was Edward and Bella.

And even though the moment _was_ far from perfect, I couldn't help but relish in the feeling of security that for once, after weeks of apathy and hurting, I was able to fall asleep in Edward's embrace.

-oOo-

There was the faint ringing of bells. I groaned, wanting them to stop. Refusing to open my eyes, I nuzzled my face back into the object of my comfort, slowly coming to the realization that it was Edward, and that he had stayed. He ignored the bells, pulling me impossibly closer. And just as I was about to doze off once again in complete bliss, the bells started again.

This time, it was Edward who groaned.

He released me, and I instantly felt cold. I felt his weight leave the bed before the bells finally stopped. "Hello?" he answered his phone in hush irritation. There was a short pause. "Fuck, Carlisle," he groaned. "_Why_?" Another pause. "This isn't the first time I've left during the night." His voice was growing angry and loud. "Why?" he repeated his earlier question.

I finally rolled over, barely squinting my eyes open enough to see the clock. It read just past six. Through groggy eyes, I glanced over in Edward's general direction. He had already slid on both his jeans and boxers, one hand fisted in his hair while the other held a tight grip on his small phone.

"Christ, what do you need that can't wait a fucking hour?" I heard him growl into the receiver. His expression had been angry and frustrated up until the long pause that followed his most recent response to whatever Carlisle was saying. His eyes widened before they grew somber. Defeated. The uneasy look he gave me was contagious. "Okay," he whispered in what sounded almost like fear. "I'll be home in fifteen." He closed his phone.

Then he looked in my direction.

His eyes softened, his tone apologetic. "I have to go. I don't know what the hell he needs so badly, but I think I should probably listen."

I nodded in understanding, still buried under all of my covers. I watched as he hastily slid his shirt over his head and retrieved his leather jacket from the floor as well. Once he was fully dressed he walked back over to my bed. For a moment my heart fluttered, thinking he would crawl back under the covers with me. But he didn't. And it was more than evident in our silence that neither one of us was ready to bring up last night.

Instead he leaned down, placing a soft kissing on my lips. With his green eyes implying that we would talk later, he gave me one last kiss before standing up once again. "I'll pick you up before school," he informed me with a small smile before disappearing out the door.

After he left, I stayed in my bed for another half hour, going through last night in my head while at the same time, refusing to actually acknowledge what had happened. Last night had been so confusing. All over the place, even. Convincing myself over and over again that things were okay, that ultimately Edward and I were okay, I was eventually able to crawl out of bed.

I gazed sadly at my discarded clothes on the floor instead of on me as I walked to the bathroom. When I looked at myself in the mirror I frowned. My cheeks were flushed just like my entire body. Lining my collarbone was a trail of red patches of skin from Edward's mouth. Hickeys. My hair stuck up in a million directions and my lips were bright red and swollen. Because of my successfully sleep-filled night with Edward, my eyes had also changed as well. They were no longer bloodshot and the bags had disappeared.

It was hard to come to terms with the person staring back at me knowing it was myself.

I took a much needed steamy shower, wrapping a towel around myself and heading back into my room once I was done. I put on a pair of old, faded jeans, slipping on a plain brown t-shirt before my gaze slowly moved to the hoodie balled up on the floor next to my closet. Edward's hoodie. Sighing, I reached for it, sliding the over-sized sweatshirt over my head and sticking my arms through the long sleeves.

Despite my confusion and guilt profusely threatening to launch the contents of my near empty stomach, I was still able to smile at the faint smell left behind of Edward. The smile felt unfamiliar to my face, though I was sure it was somehow genuine.

I made my way downstairs to wait for Edward to come. I would have eaten breakfast had I been able to swallow the dry lump in my throat. Because really, food was the last thing on my mind as I slid on my beat-up converse and retrieved my backpack from the entry way.

I sat on the couch in my living room, watching for him out the window. When ten minutes passed the time he regularly came to get me, the feeling of sickness grew even more profound. I called his phone. My heart sank in my chest when he didn't answer. Another ten minutes passed. I called again. No answer. Just as I was about to give up and drive myself, Alice's cheery yellow car flew into my driveway.

Confused, I hurried out the door, climbing down my front stairs just as she was getting out of her car.

Before I could open my mouth to ask her what was wrong, Alice opened hers. "Bella, they did it!" her voice cracked as tears streamed down her face. "They finally sent him to California."

* * *

_Come up to meet you,  
tell you I'm sorry.  
You don't know how lovely you are.  
I had to find you, tell you I need you,  
Tell you I set you apart._

_Nobody said it was easy,_  
_no one ever said it would be this hard._  
_Oh, take me back to the start._  
- The Scientist, Coldplay

**I would just love to hear from you. (:**


	26. Alone

**A/N: I am SO sorry. So insanely sorry. You have no idea how bad I feel about leaving you hanging this long. Life just gets in the way sometimes, and I promise I'll try my absolute hardest not to let it happen again. Forgive me? :/**

**Your love and support truly warms my heart. I don't know what I would do without you guys. Period.**

**

* * *

**

I rode with Alice back to the Cullen's, tears streaming down my cheeks.

I tried to figure out what either of us had done to deserve this. Only just after our earlier conflicts were resolved was he already gone. Just like that. Gone. And it was even worse this time knowing that the separation was not chosen by either of us. We didn't want it. We had already been apart for so long. And finally, _finally_ when we were together again, Alice informs me that he was forcefully taken to drug rehabilitation in California – something Edward had brought up numerous times as being Carlisle's ever so redundant threat.

Which was exactly why the moment Alice told me what had happened, I demanded to speak with Carlisle. Because damn it, I thought he had been on _my side_. Or at least Edward's for once. And I was beyond frustrated, furious, and frantic to find out otherwise.

Especially considering what happened between us last night. And the fact that he was just. . .just _gone_.

"Bella, after you left he said very little. He made an appearance very rarely," Alice explained, keeping her eyes focused on the road ahead. "He was acting like he was back at the beginning of the year. Only he wasn't smoking. I don't think. He rarely would stay at the house during the night, never slept, and always asked me how you were." She let out an exasperated sigh. "Actually, I think I'm the only person he really said anything to, and you're the only person we talked about." She glanced at my wet eyes and frowned even further. "Carlisle kept trying to talk to him about something too, but he absolutely refused to listen."

My stomach sank. Carlisle had been trying to talk to him. Idly I wondered how he would have even approached the subject without coming off too harsh. Like he had cared either way. And for the millionth time, I regretted not just going to Edward about it first myself, not having to worry that this sudden, forced departure was my fault.

"I guess Carlisle just got fed up with it all and finally decided to send him to this super elite drug rehab center. He always threatened Edward with California but none of us ever thought he would actually go through with it." She shook her head sadly before quoting her father. "_Until he gets off those damn things for good he's unreasonable to the point of absolute insanity_."

But the drugs hadn't been the problem. I thought Carlisle would have known that. I thought he would have actually _listened_ to me. He didn't need drug rehab, he needed help for his disorder. Why didn't Carlisle see this? Was he that stubborn upon refusing to believe that there was a very legitimate reason as to why Edward acted the way he did? Was he _that_ afraid to admit to Edward that he had pushed him too hard when mentally, he was extremely unstable?

Was an apology really _that _hard?

I hugged my legs to my chest, inhaling the faint smell left on Edward's hoodie, sad in comparison to the real deal. Alice shot me numerous sympathetic looks, knowing very well that Edward and I had worked things out last night. Kinda.

She had no idea. And the remembrance of what had happened only made my broken heart clench painfully tight in my chest until it was nearly impossible for me to breathe. I felt so empty.

Eventually, we pulled into their driveway. Alice shut off the ignition but neither of us got out. "How long ago did he leave?" I breathed.

"Esme took him to the airport an hour ago," she answered steadily. "There was so much yelling once he got home," she grimaced sadly. "You were brought up a couple of times but mostly it was just Carlisle repeating over and over that if he didn't go by choice, he would be forcefully escorted there by the police." She shuddered before her voice lowered to a low whisper. "It was so bad, Bella. _So_ bad."

I tried desperately hard not to picture the scene she was describing. I didn't want to think of Edward's reaction. I didn't want to be aware of the guilt I knew he was feeling. Of the resentment of a second separation. Once again, what making it even worse was knowing the first was my fault and my choice.

"I don't know why Carlisle picked _now_, but he did. And it sucks." _If only she knew_.

I finally got out of the car, wiping the sleeve of his sweatshirt across my tear-stained face before entering their house. Alice provided me with much space, simply walking me to Carlisle's study before wishing me good luck and leaving me alone. I stood in front of the door for a few moments, gaining enough composure in order to be able to have the conversation with him that I wanted to. When I was sure I wouldn't break down, I didn't bother knocking before entering his study.

He was at his desk of course, his eyes focused intently on the bright LCD screen of his laptop. I didn't wait for him to look up either as I started speaking. "How could you do this to him?" I growled angrily. "_How_, Carlisle?"

He glanced up at me, not seeming surprised in the slightest that I stood there before him in upset protest. "It's what needed to happen," he responded simply in an impassive voice that very nearly made me run across the room and strangle his neck.

"_Why_?" I cried in an exasperation. "It's not the drugs, Carlisle! He needs help with his disorder, _not _his addiction. Besides," I protested, "he hasn't been smoking anything in a long time." _Not that I knew of, at least_.

"That's not the point." His calm tone had me gritting my teeth together in anger. "The point is, very simply Edward refused to listen to what I had to say about his health in regards to your bipolar theory." When he noticed my eyes narrow at him, he went on. "Bella, it's what's best for him. He refuses to follow through with any kind of medication, and even if he did, his medicines aren't just some kind of instant panacea. Sometimes, only time and patience can fix what his beloved drugs cannot."

I was in complete disbelief at what I was hearing. "So send him away then? _That's_ the solution?"

Carlisle pinched the bridge of his nose, shutting his eyes momentarily before proceeding to ignore my question. "Bella, what you and Edward have is very unhealthy. It's good that he's finally found someone he's happy with, but his dependence on you has become far too dangerous." He gave me a pointed look. "You're the only person he will talk to about anything and although that's progress, it's not good enough."

First of all, how dare he bring up Edward and I's relationship like he knew all about it. He didn't know a thing about Edward and sure as hell nothing about me. And if that didn't make me any closer to very seriously injuring this man, he had to say the one thing that made me so furious I could have quite easily spit on him.

_It's not good enough_.

As angry as I was in that moment, I decided my anger directed towards his very messed up view of parenting would get me no where and decided to go a different route. "Carlisle, he doesn't want to be this way!" I yelled. "You can't even comprehend how hard all of this is for him – how much pain he's in." I felt tears prick my eyes but chose to ignore them as I went on. "Everyone's expecting him to suddenly be perfect when you just said it yourself! That it takes time and patience; patience you're not choosing to give him!" My voice cracked during that last sentence. "Do you really think sending him away is what's best?"

His expression remained completely monotonous as he simply stared at me. "Bella, I understand that you're frustrated, but from a doctor's point of vie–"

"What about from a _father's_ point of view?" I cut him off, angry tears running hopelessly down my cheeks. "I know you're not his dad, but what would you do if you _were_? Would you really send _Alice_ away if she was suffering from an illness that she _couldn't control_? Carlisle, he needs someone!" I insisted, pleading. "_I _need him!"

His lips twitched in anger and frustration, indicating that his mask was slowly starting to fade. "He needs a professional, Bella. And I would hardly call yourself that." Once again, he pinched the bridge of his nose, taking a deep breath to restrain his own voice from rising, I imagined. "Your late night rendezvous aren't what's going to help him in the long run. He may think talking to you is what he needs, but he doesn't know any better. He's not in the proper mental-state."

The fact that Carlisle seemed to think he could simply just dismiss everyone's ability at what they could and couldn't feel was what had me the angriest of all. Proper mental-state my ass. It _wasn't_ the drugs! Talking to someone about pot was _not_ going to help him in the _long run_. I couldn't believe how incredibly screwed up of a perspective Carlisle was choosing to look at this from.

"He doesn't have _anyone_!" I cried. "How is this _right_?"

"The both of you seem to think a situation like this is easy–"

"_No_," I cut him off in a voice so cold I could hardly believe it belonged to myself. "What _you're_ doing is easy. Running from your problems instead of facing them?" I shook my head bitterly. "That's what Edward always did. And now that he's _finally_ started to crawl out of the hole he's dug so deeply for himself, you're just kicking him right back into it by taking away the only comfort he's been able to find."

For the first time since I had stepped into his office, Carlisle's face suddenly came to life. It became angry. Furious, even. "Bella, you listen to me," he said in a soft voice that was dangerously threatening. "I would never compromise Edward's health in a way that would be dangerous to him. You are a wonderful girl and are wonderful for him, but right now what Edward needs is much stronger than anything you could ever give him."

Uselessly trying to wipe away my tears once again, my voice dropped several octaves, transforming into a pleading whisper. "What's stronger than love?"

He sighed, slowly shaking his head. "You don't know Edward."

It was done. Me yelling at Carlisle wasn't going to help anything despite how badly I really wanted it to. Because no matter what I said to him, I was fighting a losing battle. His mind was made up, and by me continuing to stand there in his office I was only making things worse. At this point, all I wanted to know was why. "Why California, Carlisle? Why drug rehab?" I wrapped my arms tightly around my torso, barely holding myself together. "It's not the drugs he needs help for," I told him, trying to keep my voice steady.

His face then continued to give away nothing, remaining a professional, emotionless mask. "Once it is ensured that Edward will no longer be turning to illegal substances, then we will figure out a treatment plan for his disorder."

_The drugs weren't the problem_, I screamed in my mind for the millionth time. Had Carlisle's plan been the same only without drugs thrown into the equation, we would have been on the same page. However, since that evidently _was not_ the case, he was the last person I would have trusted with Edward's wellbeing. Edward was legally eighteen – didn't he get to have any say in this at all?

I managed to compose myself enough to calmly get the information I needed. Well, not really. "How long is he going to be there? Can you give me the number of the center? He wasn't answering his cell before so it'll probably be better if I have that just in case. . ." I trailed off, stopping in response to the frown on his usually carefully composed face.

"Could be anywhere from a few weeks to a few months. Here's the thing about the program Edward's in," he paused, his forehead creasing. "It specializes in dependence. In the long run, this will ultimately be what helps Edward make decisions on his own, strengthening his willpower so that he will not be constantly in need of aids like marijuana or you."

My heart sank further in my chest. I certainly didn't like the sound of this. "What's the number?" I asked once again, my breathing becoming shallow.

"You are nothing more than a crutch to him, Bella. It's not what he needs. What he needs is to learn how to do this alone."

I felt sick. "Carlisle," I gritted through my teeth with mixed feelings of both anger and the urge to faint. Or throw up. Or maybe even both. "_What is the number?_"

"I'm afraid I can't give it to you, Bella. Edward needs to do this alone."

And then I got out of there. Slamming the door behind me, I refrained from screaming. Instead there was just some more crying. A lot of crying, actually. I honestly didn't know what to do anymore. It was like the universe wanted to make sure that every single obstacle was put in our way to prevent Edward and I from being together. Because every time we got close, there was always _something _that had to stop us.

I ended up in Alice's room before I really even knew where I was going. She sat in front of her vanity, reapplying her mascara when she looked over at me. She took in my miserable position as I crawled onto her bed, hugging one of her pillows tightly against my chest while letting silent tears stream heavily down my face once again.

Wordlessly setting down her make-up, she got up and walked over to where I was, sitting next to me. She wrapped a comforting arm around my shoulder in a half-hug. "I know things suck," she sighed sadly, "and that it seems impossible at the moment, but it's gonna be okay."

I simply shut my eyes, shaking my head as I held in a sob.

"Things have to get worse before they can get better," she went on in assurance. "Everything will be okay."

"No," I disagreed in a trembling voice. "No it won't. Alice last night. . .last night Edward and I had sex." It took everything in me to say it without entering hysteria. My whole chest shook violently as I buried my face in the pillow.

I heard her intake of breath but didn't look up to see her facial expression. "For the first time?"

I nodded my head.

"For _your_ first time?"

Again, I nodded my head.

The last thing I had wanted to feel for what had happened last night was regret. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how recklessly I had thrown my virginity at him. Of course, neither of us had known that the outcome would result in this. . .

It was completely devastating to know that for God only knew how long, I wouldn't be able to see or speak to him. And that's all I wanted to do. I wanted _his_ comfort and assurance in letting me know that it was going to be okay, _not_ Alice's. It wasn't _fair_. None of this was fair.

"Oh God, Bella," Alice whispered in disbelief. "Oh shit."

And all I could do was nod some more.

But then I remembered something. In my haste to be with Edward, I hadn't been rational. I had been so desperate to just be with him that my choices had turned out making some stupid decisions. Because God, it _never ended_. It just _never_ stopped.

"Alice," I got in between gasps. "There's more." Her eyes widened, probably shocked that there could possibly be any more than there already was. I closed my eyes once again, hanging my head. "It was unprotected."

For a long while we both just sat there as she hugged me tightly, letting my tears fall onto her expensive designer jeans. At one point she released me and got off the bed. No more than a minute later she returned, and through my blurry vision I noticed something in her hand. She held the small white cardboard box in her hand out to me like it was a present. I wanted to throw up. "I always keep a dosage of some. Just in case," she urged.

_Plan B_, the cheery purple and green letters read. _Emergency Contraception_.

I sniffed, rubbing his over-sized sleeve over my wet eyes before finally taking the box from her.

Swallowing the pills was almost as difficult as facing the reality of why I was taking them in the first place, and the water Alice had given me to wash them down helped almost as much as the fact that Edward was, in fact, _not here_.

And while I at least had the relief of knowing that my rash decision to have sex with Edward would not result in an unplanned pregnancy, Edward did not.

I'm really not sure what in my mind drove me to blackout the way I proceeded to do. Whether it was knowing that Edward was all alone and how badly he had to have been hurting, the unlikely possibility of seeing him anytime soon, the reminder of last night, or just the magnitude of how horrible the entire situation was as a whole.

Because hours later I was lying on Alice's bed, hearing the very voice that drove me into the predicament currently at hand. I didn't open my eyes. I didn't want to see his face. "Alice, honey, she's coming around, see? She'll be fine. It was just a panic attack. Too much stress, I'd imagine."

In that moment, I couldn't have hated Carlisle anymore than I already had. I kept my eyes tightly shut. I never heard Alice say anything in return, and although I absolutely hated that any of this was driving a wedge between her family, I knew she felt angry at him as well as I did.

"I already called Charlie and informed him what happened," he continued. "Did you know he had absolutely no idea about Bella's relations with Edward?"

He had told _Charlie_? I almost blew my cover by growling.

There was an incredibly long pause, but Alice spoke this time. "Daddy, neither of them said anything to anyone about that." Another pause. "Um, I think maybe it was because they were afraid of everyone's reactions. . ." she trailed off suggestively. I heard her lower her voice. "I mean, look what happened when you figured out. . ."

He sighed in exhaustion. "Alice, I don't need this from you too," he told her in finality. "I'm not the bad guy here, so I would really appreciate if everyone would stop acting as such." I felt the bed shift as his weight was removed from it, the soft sound of the door clicking shut indicating that he had left the room.

I slowly blinked my eyes open. Alice was looking down at me, a wary expression crossing her face. She sighed, solemnly shaking her head. "Well this sucks."

I chuckled weakly even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. "Tell me about it."

She grinned sadly at me before her lips slowly turned into an uneasy frown. "I know you're overwhelmed right now, and that you're feeling basically every bad emotion possible on the spectrum, but I felt like it'd be unfair of me if I didn't at least show you this." She hesitantly reached behind her before placing a folded sheet of paper in my hand. "Edward wrote it to you. Right before they dragged him outta the house."

I stared at the ordinary piece of folded up notebook paper wondering how it was possible for such an insignificant item to be so utterly significant. With shaking hands, I carefully unfolded it.

_You have no idea how badly I wish I could do this all in person, but I'm sorry. Again. For everything. Last night was entirely my fault so please don't spend the next month beating yourself up about it. It'll kill me. I don't know how long I'll be gone, but I hope to God in that time you take care of yourself for me. I'll get outta that stupid place as soon as I can so I can come home and we can finally just be together. Because even though everything seems really fucked up right now, I know that somehow, it'll all be okay._

The only possible thing that would make things okay would be if Edward himself was there with me right then.

But that wasn't going to happen anytime soon.

And there was absolutely nothing I could do to change that.

* * *

_I hate feeling like this,  
I'm so tired of trying to fight this.  
I'm asleep and all I dream of  
is waking to you._

_I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breath,_  
_unless I feel you next to me._  
_You take the pain I feel;_  
_Waking up to you never felt so real._  
_I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream,_  
_'Cause my dreams don't comfort me the way you make me feel._  
_Waking up to you never felt so real._  
- Comatose, Skillet

**At least she's not preggo, right? You can put your pitchforks away now. (; Next chappy will be in about a week!**

**Leave me some love, cause I love you. (:**


	27. Comatose

**AN: So my New Years resolution is to be consistent with the days I post. I'm _really_ trying, guys. Sorry. :/**

**Mary Beth, thanks as always ya lovely lady. (:**

**

* * *

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"Are you sure that was the right turn? I think we missed it. . .I was positive we were supposed to have taken a left on Roosevelt, not St. Thomas," I rambled, turning around in my seat to look at the street sign we had just passed.

"_Bella_," Alice groaned. "Relax. We'll get there. You've been like this for the past five hours."

_Correction_, I've been like this for the past three weeks. Alice had every right to be annoyed with me. But she never was. Instead she remained patient and understanding about the whole thing. She never yelled at me, never told me I was being stupid, never asked me if I could just be happy. No, instead she forced me into skipping school with her, opting to drive me across the state in an attempt to see Edward. We were going to his rehab center.

And the possibility that I would finally get to see him after so long had me so anxious that I was actually calculating right down to the second we would be pulling into the pretentious parking lot of that stupid place.

Everything was so different without Edward around. Mainly because to me, he was what made Forks so bearable. It had been completely different when I had gone to Phoenix to get away from him. That was because we needed a break, and I needed some time to get my head on straight. This time, we didn't need anymore space. We didn't need a break. We needed each other to get through this.

In other words, I was _not_ handling any of this at all.

And the worst part was having no idea how he was doing. Not being able to even just talk to him over the phone. With Carlisle as stubborn as ever, he wouldn't even give us _that_. For the time being, I absolutely hated that man. I hated him for doing this to Edward when Edward did nothing wrong. For sending him away because he didn't want to deal with him himself.

Ever since Charlie had heard about my panic attack the day Edward left, he had been worried about me. And even though he must have been curious about our relationship, he never once brought Edward up. I think he was mainly just afraid to. Regardless, I loved him so much for it.

Then there was Renee. She was frantic, calling me almost everyday since I had returned to Forks. Her first call had been to ask me how things had gone with Edward – if we had talked at all, if we had made up. Imagine her surprise when I informed her that he was booted off to California. Right after everything had seemed to be resolved between us. Of course, I left out the whole recklessly losing my virginity thing, though I'm sure at this point, it would only gain me even more sympathy that I didn't want or need.

I tried my best to put on a smile each day at school, but it was just so hard. The concerned looks I received only made it harder. Because they mostly just made me angry. Their intentions were always that of sympathy. Like even though they had no idea what was going on, they somehow understood what I was going through.

The only person who would have even the slightest idea was Edward.

Edward who wasn't here.

Edward who was all alone.

"Okay, I think that's it up ahead," Alice informed me, pointing her index finger in the direction of an extravagant looking, palm tree filled lot a few blocks ahead. I instantly perched up in my seat. _New Beginnings_, the elegant script carved into granite read. I couldn't imagine how much it was costing Carlisle to send Edward here. All I hoped was that it was a hell of a lot of dollar signs. I hope it was enough to make him go bankrupt. But just him. Not the rest of the Cullen's.

By the time Alice parked her car, my legs were bouncing so rapidly that I thought my whole body would combust. Before she even shut the ignition off, I was out of the car and halfway across the parking lot. She had to sprint just to catch up with me just before I entered through the vast revolving door. And although she wore a grin almost as excited as mine, I still read worry. Concern. My smile fell slightly as I gave her a pointed look, urging her to explain. She waited until we were inside the building.

"You have to remember, there's still a chance they won't let us see him," she frowned.

I frowned as well. Because reality was such a bitch sometimes.

As we walked through the main lobby, I took in the place. It was ridiculous. It felt like we were on a professional movie set. Everything was so incredibly elegant yet at the same time, very modern. We approached the front desk, met by the friendly smile of a woman who looked no older than Alice or I. Her blond hair and pretty face reminded me of Rosalie, looking just as much, if not more, of a model than Rose already did. I grew momentarily depressed at the thought of the rest of the staff at this place. For all I knew, Edward had already eloped with one of them and moved into his own beach house. I shuddered and threw that particular thought from my head.

"Can I help you ladies?" the woman asked politely. I glanced at her name tag. _Tanya_.

I regained my composure enough to not come off as immature. She was already eyeing me skeptically. I straightened my chin. "Yes, we're here for a visit," I informed her.

"Name?" Tanya replied.

"Edward Cullen," I stated with confidence. My lips twitched, trying my hardest to hold back a smile. Alice rolled her eyes, smirking at me. I could have sworn I saw a hint of a smile flash across Tanya's face at the mention of Edward's name, but I wasn't sure. "He was checked into here a few weeks ago," I added nervously when she didn't immediately respond. Her fingers tapped quickly across the keyboard before she stared at the screen for a long while.

"Edward's program doesn't allow for visitors," she informed us without a hint of remorse. I inhaled a shaky breath, trying not to throw up. She glanced away from the bright screen to our faces. "I'm afraid you can't see him."

I reached a hand out, holding onto the fancy marble desk for support as my chest rose and fell rapidly. No. No we _had_ to see him. _I_ had to see him. Alice shot me a worried look before it changed to determination as she turned back to Tanya. "There's gotta be some sort of exception. You don't understand, we _have_ to see him." Alice knew how much this had meant to me.

Tanya pursed her cherry red lips, looking from Alice's demanding expression to me as I tried not to collapse onto the floor. She sighed. "The only exception is if you're family. We allow a patient a five minute visit _only_ if there's blood relation involved."

"We're family," Alice immediately insisted. I hoped to God it was enough.

Tanya sure didn't seem to think so. She gave Alice a very doubtful look before holding a hand out to us. "I'll need to see identifications then. Driver's licenses will do."

Alice wasted no time reaching for hers and handing it over. I felt warm tears prick at my eyes as I uselessly did the same. She looked at Alice's for a long moment, eventually nodding her head before she looked at mine. She glanced up at me, condescension dripping in her voice as she spoke. "Ms. Cullen, you may have a five minute visit. Ms. Swan," her eyes remained on me the whole time. "You are not family, therefore you may not. Our rules are very strict. I'm sorry." No she wasn't. Not at all.

Tears streamed down my cheeks as I miserably looked at the floor. I felt my insides crumple. "Bella's his girlfriend," Alice persisted angrily. "There's gotta be some rule to allow _that_."

"I'm afraid there's not," she responded as she picked up the phone on her desk. "Hi, this is Tanya Denali from reception," she paused briefly. "Yes, can you inform Edward that he has a visitor? Great, thanks! I'll have an escort send her right down." And then she hung up.

The sleeves of Edward's old basketball hoodie had been getting so abused. For the billionth time since he had given it to me, I wiped away the wetness from my eyes. Alice turned to me, her face completely pale. "Bella, I'm so sorry it has to be like this," she whispered. "You should be seeing him, not me. Shit, this sucks."

I wrapped my arms around my torso, my relentless tears causing my vision to be fuzzy. "Say hi to him for me, Al," I choked out, barely audible.

She gave me a sad smile before she was escorted to wherever Edward was.

It took everything in me to walk over to the expensive leather waiting chairs without falling. I sank down, bringing my legs up to hug to my chest as I buried my face deeply in my knees and let my entire body shake uncontrollably.

I didn't have it in me to feel bitter that Alice got to see him. How could I? It wasn't her fault, and I knew if she had it her way, I'd be the one in there instead of her. Her five minutes stretched into what seemed like five hours. It was so indescribably painful knowing how close I was to him and not being able to at least see him. It felt like I was in that waiting room for an eternity before I heard the sound of Alice entering back into the lobby.

I immediately stood up as she approached, rubbing my eyes once again. Before I could open my mouth to speak – though I'm not even sure what I would have said, she pulled me into a tight embrace, hugging me so fiercely that it was almost hard to breathe. She didn't let go of me for an incredibly long while.

When she did, her eyes were watery and her smile was sad. "He wanted me to give you that," she whispered. "_Hug the shit out of her for me, Al_, he had told me. _Give her the biggest fucking hug you can ever imagine and tell her it's only a matter of time before I can give her one myself_." Through my tears, I managed to somehow crack a smile. "He promised that it wouldn't be too long, Bella," she wrapped an arm around my shoulder, giving me an assuring squeeze. "Come on, let's get outta this stupid place. You wouldn't believe what that boy managed to get out in that short span of five minutes, and it turns out that we've got a five hour car ride ahead of us."

Tanya bid us a cheery farewell as we left the building, and it took everything I had in me not to turn around and strangle that bitch. Sensing this, Alice got me out of there as quickly as I could. As soon as we got back into her car, that was when it really hit me. Even worse than the first time. How. . .how unfair all of this was. And as we pulled out of the parking lot, away from Edward, I didn't even bother trying to stop my tears from falling.

Alice remained silent until we were back onto the interstate. Through my blurry vision, I glanced out at the sky – it was becoming cloudy. Dark. In frustration, I realized that it mirrored my exact moods. When we had pulled in, I was happy. Ecstatic even. It had been sunny, bright, and beautiful out. Now I was miserable. And the weather was changing to just that. I closed my eyes, resting my head on the window.

"Do you want to hear any of it?" she asked quietly, her voice cautious.

I nodded. I wanted to hear every word.

So she talked, and I listened.

"He looked even more torn up than you. Even more so than usual. He was an absolute wreck. When I walked in the room, he had looked so disappointed. I didn't blame him, of course. If there was anything I could have done to be able to have you take my place. . ." she trailed off with a sad sigh. "I explained to him why you couldn't come in. What Carlisle had said about his program, though I'm sure he already knew."

She paused for a long moment. "And then he went frantic, Bella. I swear, if security hadn't been there, nothing would have stopped him from running out to that lobby to you." My heart lurched. She continued on. "He basically demanded how you had been, and I'm sorry I couldn't lie to him. It probably made things so much worse by telling him that you were in no better of a state than he was." She inhaled deeply. "He wanted to know if there was anything. . .different about you. Don't worry, I told him you weren't knocked up and I swear, I have never seen anyone look so relieved before in my life. Of course, he was absolutely mortified that I knew what happened. . .but yeah. Anyways! He wanted me to tell you to hang in there, and that you're the best person he knows."

I allowed myself to feel relieved for a moment as well. At least now he had one less burden to carry. Had the outcome ended up me being pregnant, I'm not sure what we would have done. Which was why I was still beating myself up for being so reckless. For being a stupid, naïve teenage girl.

"He really just wanted to make sure you weren't comatose basically." She shot me a wary look. "Bella, you know I couldn't lie to him. I mean, you've seen yourself in the last month, right? You've hardly been eating anything lately and you've lost so much weight. . .and you rarely get even close to a full night's sleep anymore. The only person you'll break down in front of is me, and at school you're just. . .nothing. Not happy, not sad. You're just. . .there." I cringed, knowing she was a hundred percent accurate in those statements. "I told him you were trying though. Because you are. I've never seen anyone try so hard to try and hide their pain."

The stormy clouds that had taken over the sky finally opened up and a heavy rain poured down on the earth. "I don't blame you though, Bella. Not at all. Because you have _every right_ to be in pain," she insisted sincerely. "I know I don't know half the story, but what I do know is enough. And I also know what _you're_ thinking constantly. You're _not_ a stupid girl. You're the strongest person I've ever met." I needed to hear all of this. _So_ badly. Alice, knowing so, continued on. "You have every right to cry and scream and demand fairness. You and Edward both do. You two have been through _so_ much. So fuck it, Bella," she finally explained, her tone compassionate. "If you wanna cry, just let it _all out_. You don't need to be so brave all of the time. Don't feel so ashamed. _Just cry_." She paused for a long moment before her voice dropped to just a faint murmur above the pounding rain. "And know that someday, you'll get the happiness you deserve _so much_."

-oOo-

As slow as January felt like it had gone by, eventually it was February.

And Edward was still gone.

I had thought that eventually I would be able to grasp the fact that Edward wasn't here and at least move on enough to live normally, but that was the problem. I couldn't grasp it. And every time I reminded myself he was still gone, I would only grow emptier. Because it wasn't enough that we had slept together right before he had to leave. I just _had _to love him beyond anything I had ever felt before.

And it was painful not being able to know when the next chance I had to tell him that was. If I even got to tell him at all.

Even though Charlie was well aware that something was wrong and that something involved Edward, he never brought it up because in reality, there was nothing wrong on the outside. I was somehow managing to keep my grades above average, never breaking curfew or breaking house rules. Even if he did decide to mention something about my lack of emotion, he and I both knew that it would be a useless attempt.

I didn't know why I was reacting this way and I absolutely hated it. But I couldn't pull myself out of it.

Which made me realize what Edward went through on a daily basis. Which then made me even more depressed than I was in the first place. Because no one should have to ever experience this. . .this horrible feeling of utter despair and _not_ be able to do anything about it.

-oOo-

Alice and I were in their living room, working on homework while Seth was watching the Disney channel when Carlisle entered. I ignored his presence, like I had been doing for the past month. So did Alice. Seth, however, did not. And he just happened to choose to ask the very question I had been dying to have answered.

"Car, when will Edward be home again?" His eyes were wide and curious as he tilted his head slightly to the side.

I glanced cautiously at Carlisle, watching as he stared at Seth for a long while before finally sighing in exhaustion. "Your brother will be home when he deserves it, Seth." And then he walked out of the room.

Leaving me with my jaw dropped all the way down to the floor.

Okay, this was getting absolutely _ridiculous_.

I couldn't help but lose some of my maturity as I raised my voice loud enough for him to hear me from the other room he had walked off to. "Don't worry, Sethy, we all miss him too."

Alice smiled sadly, never once raising her focused gaze from her Trig homework the whole time. Seth stuck his bottom lip out in a pout as he crossed his arms. "Belly, he promised me he'd teach me basketball! Why did he break that promise?" The disappointment in his eyes was unbearable to see. I quickly came to Edward's defense.

"He didn't break his promise, buddy. He didn't _want_ to leave." I kept the last part from coming out as a growl.

Seth frowned. "Why did he have to go then? I never get to see him anymore."

"That makes both of us, kid," I muttered as I shook my head, sadly dropping my gaze from his face.

-oOo-

I had been spending a lot of time at the Cullen's lately. Probably too much. But Alice never seemed to mind. And when I volunteered to do the cooking, neither did Emmett. Since Charlie was constantly at the station, I would always make sure to leave him a meal he could heat up in the fridge when he got home at his usual late hours. Of course, there also were a lot of nights where I'd leave Alice alone. Even though she insisted on spending as much time with me as possible, she did have Jasper, after all.

Sometimes I would take Seth to get ice cream. Just to give me something remotely happy to do. Other nights I would help Emmett with his Calc problems while Alice and I worked on our Trig. Emmett usually wasn't around the house that much, always with Rosalie, and when he was, Rosalie was with _him_. I had nothing against Rose. We just never said much to begin with.

Carlisle was always working. Whether he purposely put in late hours to avoid the upset opinions from his family or he just simply didn't want to deal with anymore home situations at all, I was glad he wasn't around all that often. That way I didn't have to go out of my way to avoid any sort of communication with him. Because as it still stood, I honestly couldn't stand the man.

But there was always Esme. Esme who I had absolutely no problem with at all. I knew Edward going to California wasn't her fault. In fact, I was positive of it. And even though Edward may not have ever noticed it, she was constantly trying her hardest to be like a mother to him. She hadn't wanted Edward to leave anymore than the rest of us. But since Carlisle was the head of the house, apparently it was Carlisle who got to make all the decisions without a say from anyone else. Because God forbid he ever be wrong.

Esme helped me with my beef stew as Alice sat at the counter, studying for her chem test. She bit her pen, her eyebrows furrowing in conflict as her and Esme exchanged concerned looks. "Mom, you guys can go. I'll stay. It's not the end of the world," she grimaced, her words not sincere.

I stopped cutting my carrots, setting my knife down on the cutting board before turning to face the both of them. "Don't be ridiculous, Al. You've all been planning these trips for months. It's no problem if I watch Seth. I mean, it's not like I haven't done it plenty of times."

While Alice's face brightened in relief with a smile, Esme frowned. "Sweetie, we could never ask you to do us that big of a favor. It's fine, really. Car and I can reschedule."

"Esme," I stopped her. "You know I love Seth. I love watching him. It's not a big favor at all, really." I was able to give her a half-smile of assurance.

"Oh, Bella, _only _if you're sure you'd be okay with this."

"I'm positive," I insisted once again.

And just like that I had plans for Valentine's Day.

While all the Cullen's and their significant others flew off to tropical islands in different countries, I would be spending mine eating junk food and candy with Seth. Because even though he may not have been the first Cullen I wanted to spend it with, at least now it was ensured that I wouldn't be completely alone.

-oOo-

On Valentine's morning I drove over to the Cullen's. Alice and Jasper were flying out to Greece, Emmett and Rosalie were flying out to the Virgin Islands (I found that destination ironic), and Carlisle and Esme were flying out to Madrid.

It was a four day weekend and they were scheduled to arrive back late Sunday night.

After everyone left, Seth had turned to me with a sad expression. "I know my brother's not here right now and I know you wish he was instead of me. . ." he paused before flashing me the biggest smile of assurance. "But I'll be the best Valentine's date you've ever had, Belly. I _promise_."

It took everything in me not to cry in front of him.

But never once did I. Because Seth was somehow able to keep his promise. Instead of me babysitting him, it was like _he_ was babysitting _me_. Constantly keeping me busy. _Bella, let's go do this _and _Bella, come on, how about we do this? _We did a variety of things. We made snow angels out in the snow, we played an assortment of Mario games on the Wii, and Seth even made me heart shaped peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

When the day was nearly over and the DVD we had been watching finished, I removed my head from his shoulder before squeezing him in a tight hug. "Thanks, buddy. I had an amazing time today."

He grinned sheepishly at me. "You did?"

I smiled, nodding my head. Because despite everything, I had managed to hold it together for this long. Even though the boy I loved was absent on the most romantic day of the year. I blinked. It was okay. _I _was okay. Distracted by the train wreck of a direction my thoughts were heading in, Seth pulled me out of them by shoving a piece of paper in my hand, his grin triumphant. The paper was wrinkled, no doubt a result of being folded and unfolded a number of times along with its place in Seth's pocket all day. Confused, I carefully unfolded it.

_Seth, I'm counting on you to take my place for me while I'm gone. Do everything you can to make Bella smile. You know how pretty her smile is._

I swallowed hard, my vision growing blurry. But I had been doing so well. I couldn't cry in front of Seth. I blinked my eyes rapidly for a few more moments before pulling him back into a tight hug. It was so hard being strong, and for once, I needed someone else to help hold me together. Seth's little arms hugged me back for a long while before I released him and went upstairs to help him get ready for bed.

As soon as Seth was asleep, I brought my duffel bag up to Edward's room where I decided I was going to sleep. Well, try and sleep, at least. I rummaged through my bag, trying to find my pajamas when I stopped and instead walked over to Edward's closet. I found the pair of gray sweatpants he always wore and slid them on. I had to tighten the drawstring so it wouldn't fall down my waist.

Due to the frequency of the amount of times I had been wearing Edward's hoodie lately, I had to wash it numerous times and his smell had almost completely vanished from it. By sliding it over my head and sticking my arms through the long sleeves, I hoped that being in his room it would sink back in. It was ridiculous, I was well aware of how borderline insane my behavior was becoming, but I couldn't help it. Anything to feel closer to him.

Who knew when the next time I would see him would be? And while everyone else was off having their dream romantic getaway, I was pathetically curled into a ball on his bed, trying my absolute hardest not to come apart.

But God, it was just _so hard_.

I thought about the note he had left me. I thought about the note he had left Seth. I thought about Alice and mine's unsuccessful visit to California, about Tanya and her long, fake nails. I thought about what either of us had done to deserve this and came up short, like always.

I mainly just thought about everything I had been for the past month. You'd think by now I would have gotten used to his absence and accepted it. Yeah. That had never really even been a possibility. _You know how pretty her smile is_.

_Edward, I wish you could know how pretty yours is_. . .

"I would have gotten here sooner but I had to make a pit stop at Tiffany's. Girls like jewelry and shit, right?"

Not sure whether I was hearing things or if he was actually somehow here, I slowly sat up on his bed. Sure enough, there he was, standing in the doorway.

"Edward?" my voice cracked.

He chuckled, a crooked smile slowly spreading across his face. "I think this is the part where you run across the room and I spin you around in my arms."

* * *

_Your words in my memory,  
are like music to me. . ._

I'm miles from where you are,  
I lay down on the cold ground and I,  
I pray that something picks me up  
And sets me down in your warm arms.  
- Set Fire to the Third Bar, Snow Patrol

**So what's _your_ New Years resolution? I already told you mine. (:**


	28. With You

**A/N: So I know a majority of you hate my guts. Shit, I hate my guts. It's been a flipping month. What the hell? I know. Words can't express how sorry I am. Just know that I am try - so hard - to do this for you guys and write you a good story like you deserve. I can't promise you any consistency with updates but I can promise you this, I will never make you wait that long for a chapter again. And like I said, just know that I really am trying.**

**And even though I probably don't deserve it, I'm absolutely dying to hear from all of you. I really am. I've missed you all so insanely much that it's crazy. As much if not more than how badly Bella missed Edward. . .**

**Speaking of which! I believe I left you at quite the predicament. Again, so sorry! ): With a quick shout-out to MB for continuing to be the amazing beta she is and without further ado, chapter 28. (:**

**

* * *

**

I blinked once.

Then I crossed his room as if the floor was really hot lava.

His arms were open and ready even before I hurdled myself into them. He caught me effortlessly, clutching me recklessly tight against his chest as I wrapped my legs around his waist and clung to him like my life depended on it. His arms squeezed the breath out of me, his lips showering the top of my head with kisses as I buried my face in the crook of his neck, breathing in the scent that was Edward which I had missed for so long.

"God, I missed the shit out of you," he murmured into my hair before pulling back, placing both hands on either side of my face as I rested my forehead on his. "How's my girl?"

I wasn't sure which made me more thrilled. The fact that he was actually here, the fact that he was in one of the best moods I had ever seen him, or the fact that he had called me his girl. I think it was pretty safe to say that it was a combination of the three. I couldn't help it. I urgently crashed my lips to his, digging my fingers into his hair that I had missed so much. But of course, not as much as I had missed him.

He spun me around like he had said he would as I kissed him. And he kissed back. God did he kiss back. I was completely familiar with his soft, warm lips, but at the same time it felt like I was kissing a completely different person. The bright green eyes that sparkled when they finally opened up to meet mine once again were sight I had been waiting to see for over a month. So many times had I thought about them, never once doing them justice.

Grinning widely at him as he grinned back, he carried me over to his bed and set me down. I was reluctant to let go, but I eventually released my death-like grip. "There's so many things we need to talk about. I mean, fuck. It'll probably take all night. But first," he reached into the back pocket of his jeans. "I've gotta give you this. While it's still technically Valentine's Day."

I glanced at the clock and sure enough it was quarter to midnight. I cautiously took the small velvet red box from his hand and my smile fell. A look of concern crossed his face before I lowered my own. "I just. . .It's just that I didn't get you anything. . ."

"That's the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard. Bella," his voice was soft yet fierce. "Don't you get it? You gave me my fucking life back." He reached for one of my hands, squeezing it as tightly as he could, my knuckles turning white but I couldn't care less. "Because even though there's still so much fucking darkness left, you somehow managed to get me to see just the smallest bit of light."

My eyes became watery. Was this possible? Was he really here? I glanced down at the small box in my hand and finally opened it. Nestled in the white satin was a beautiful necklace that caused me to gasp. I carefully removed it from the box. On a simple thin, silver chain there hung a heart lined with tiny diamonds. In awe, I looked from Edward to the necklace, then back at Edward.

"Mine's a lot uglier, trust me," he said, his voice coming out clearly. "But I still want you to have this. Because even if it's not accurate to the real deal, it's still yours. You've always taken better care of it than I have."

I stared at it for a long moment before slowly moving my watery eyes to Edward. Was I supposed to say it now? Was I supposed to tell him? He had basically just said so in so many words, but what if he couldn't say those actual three words back? I couldn't put myself out there like that. I had made myself vulnerable in front of him a countless amount of times, and even though I trusted him with my life, I didn't want to be crushed by the results of my uncertainty for what would seem like the thousandth time.

I wordlessly handed it back to him and, before his expression had the chance to change to hurt, I swiftly gathered my hair, pulling it away from my neck as I turned away from him. I closed my eyes and it wasn't long before I felt the beautiful necklace rest against my chest. Since Edward's hoodie was so big on me, he tucked the diamond heart below the gray fabric so that it rested near my own heart.

Then he slowly constricted his arms around my torso, pulling me into his lap as my back rested against his chest and his chin rested on my shoulder. Keeping my eyes closed, I reclined my head back to rest on his shoulder as I enjoyed the feeling of his arms around me for the first time in a long time. He placed two soft kisses on my neck, his hair that had gotten way too long tickling my skin. "You need a haircut," I informed him quietly.

He sighed heavily. "I just made a deep, cheesy as hell speech about my fucked up heart and that's all you can say after a month?" I was grinning before he even finished. "That I need a fucking haircut?"

And before I knew it, he spun me around, rolling me over onto the bed so that I was lying on my back as he hovered over the top of me. With a wicked grin, the tickling began. A lot. I squealed loudly, unable to stop my loud laughter as his fingers relentlessly continued. I laughed so hard that my sides hurt and I was struggling to breath. But it felt so good to laugh for a change. Eventually, his bright face still grinning down at mine, he stopped. His expression then softened and he lowered his lips down onto mine. "Happy Valentine's Day, Bella," he whispered against my lips with a smile.

Before the kiss could escalate into anything else, he pulled back. I opened my mouth in protest, unsure of where my ability to talk had gone, but said nothing. He studied my face for a long moment before frowning. "Alice was right," he sighed, running a hand through my hair. "You do look like hell."

I grimaced. "_Gee thanks_," I responded automatically, heavy on the sarcasm.

He rolled his eyes before quickly going on. "I didn't mean it like that. You always look fucking adorable – especially in my clothes, by the way," he added with a crooked smile before his expression turned troubled once again. "It's just that you look so goddamn tired. Shit, Bella, you were supposed to be taking care of yourself for me." He traced his index finger lightly under my eyes, frowning further.

"I'm sorry," I muttered sadly. "I really did try."

"Well let's sleep now then," he suggested with a smile. "The last good night's sleep I got was with you like two months ago. And fuck, was that good sleep."

As tempting and wonderful as the idea sounded, the last thing I was in that moment was tired. "Not yet," I persisted.

He shook his head, chuckling exasperatedly. "Always the stubborn one." He rolled off of me and sat up. I did the same. "How about I make a deal with you? We'll talk some tonight, and then some tomorrow. We've got the whole fucking weekend, remember?"

While he was gone, a part of me had worried he would come back as a completely different person and I would have to start all over in my process to keep up with him. But this was Edward. Expletives, boyish grin and all. I cuddled into his side, "Deal."

He rested his head on top of mine, wrapping an arm around my waist. "Alright, what do ya wanna know?"

"How did you get out?" I asked immediately.

"Well, they had been saying I was ready to leave for a week now, but Carlisle kept insisting that I needed to stay longer." I automatically narrowed my eyes. Of course Carlisle kept insisting that. "I've been such an ass to Esme. Shit, I don't know how I'm gonna ever make it up to her. But she was the one who gave her permission that I could leave that fucking place." He gave me a light squeeze. "Otherwise I would still be there."

"So. . .Carlisle. What about him? Does he know you're here?" I asked, uneasy.

He sighed. "No. He doesn't," he gritted through his teeth. "Esme didn't tell him. I think she's gonna wait until after their trip so his anger towards the matter doesn't ruin anything. Fucker," he added under his breath.

I bit my lip nervously. "So it should be interesting when Sunday rolls around."

He laughed quietly. "Yeah, interesting being the under-fucking-statement of the century. Okay, my turn now." I grimaced. I couldn't imagine what questions he wanted to ask. His voice became serious, and even though I couldn't see his expression at the moment, I knew it did too. "You have to be honest, okay? No cherry-coating bullshit."

Reluctantly, I nodded.

He took a deep breath, exhaling steadily. "How badly did I fuck up? That night before I left to California. . .how badly did I hurt you?"

"You didn't hurt me," I sighed. "You being gone did. But that wasn't your fault and I don't blame you for it."

His whole body was tense next to mine, his grip dangerously close to becoming painful. "That doesn't mean everything else wasn't my fault. Say whatever you want about that not being my fault, but everything else was."

I was frustrated with the both of us. We couldn't avoid this forever, and beating around the bush would get us nowhere. "Do we always have to put a blame on everything? Edward, we had sex," I managed to get out without hesitance. "It may not have been the best timing, or the best choice, but we did it and it's done."

He moved his head back, angling it so that he could see my face. His expression was pained. "That doesn't mean it wasn't fucking reckless of me to just do that to you. God, once I left I felt sick. You're Bella. My Bella. Not some degraded, temporary fuck buddy. I'm so fucking sorry I let things get that out of hand. You deserved so much better than th–"

"Don't make me regret it," I whispered, my eyes pleading with his.

He was determined to continue on, however. "It was such a shitty solution to fix everything between us. You weren't thinking clearly – I wasn't thinking clearly. I got caught up in the moment and I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am."

He was doing exactly what I had known he would. I wasn't mad at him; he was trying desperately hard to make things right. How could I be? He didn't know any better. He didn't know it had been my first time.

I blinked, dropping my gaze from his. "It was my first time," I informed him quietly.

He didn't say anything at first. And then he did. He said a whole lot. Making me regret even telling him that in the first place. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." He let go of me, falling backward onto the bed with both hands tightly grasping his hair. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuuuuck. Bella, shit, why didn't you tell me that?" he asked, horrified.

I felt my cheeks turn hot as I brought my legs up to my chest, resting my chin on my knees. "Because I just wanted to be with you, Edward. I know it sounds stupid, but I just wanted us to have one good thing."

He groaned. "But I wasn't thinking and neither were you and fuck."

"Don't make me regret this," I pleaded a second time, my voice cracking as I began slowly rocking back and forth.

And the next thing I knew, he was cradling me tightly against his chest, his arms around me once again. "That's not what I meant," he promised instantly. "I just want you to know that you're so much better than what I've treated you like." He grimaced. "I've treated you like shit, Bella. There's no denying that. End of story. You just need to know that that's the one thing I thought about most while I was gone. The one fucking thing I wish I could take back more than anything else."

"An apology's never what I wanted, Edward," I sighed, resting my head on his chest and closing my eyes. "I just want to know if there can still be an us."

Squeezing me even tighter, he buried his face in my hair. "That's up to you. I know my answer."

At that moment I was very aware of the delicate, cold metal resting against my skin. "This isn't a one way thing, Edward. You have mine too," I told him shyly. And if it were possible, his embrace around me became even tighter. "We can go to bed now if you want."

Wordlessly he laid us down, switching off the lamp before pulling the covers over our bodies. "Edward?" I whispered before nuzzling my face even further into his chest.

"Hmm?" he murmured, squeezing me.

"I missed you."

Because I loved him. God, I loved him.

-oOo-

The feeling of being well rested was certainly a pleasant change.

Waking up ever so slowly, I rolled over to an empty space next to me. That promptly sped up the process of opening my eyes. No Edward. My chest began to rise and fall in panic as the worry to whether or not last night had been a dream settled into my body.

My hand immediately flew up to clutch my chest and my whole body sighed in relief when I felt Edward's necklace still securely around my neck. I smiled blissfully, sliding out of his warm bed to go and find him. At the top of the stairs, I heard familiar laughter coming from the kitchen. My smile grew even wider. Practically running down the many stairs (and somehow manging not to trip and kill myself), I made my way to the kitchen where I could hear Edward and Seth.

Seth was latched onto Edward's back as Edward spun around, trying to get him off. All over both of them was an incredible amount of flour – well, mainly just all over Edward as Seth continued to throw fistfuls at his face. It turned his messy hair white along with his grinning face. Edward, laughing loudly as he spun Seth around, immediately froze when he noticed me standing in the doorway. As slowly as ever, never removing his eyes from mine, he set down Seth and reached for the container of flour.

My eyes widened as his smile turned wicked. Brushing the flour out of his own hair as he took a step towards me, all it took was a second before I was able to respond to his intentions and book it out of there. Immediately. Turns out though, Edward was fast. Really fast. Before I knew it I was pinned down on the couch, hacking up the awful amount of flour being inhaled into my system as he relentlessly covered my face in it. Squealing loudly, I tried to push him off of me but was incredibly unsuccessful. Apparently, he was just as strong as he was fast. Seth even tried to help too but Edward was the champion.

When I willingly admitted to defeat, he stopped, grinning down at me, his eyes sparkling with excitement. In that moment, it felt like the separation in the last month had been completely non-existent. That there had never been any sadness, any tears shed. So I guess I got a little carried away when I pulled him down to me, kissing him with so much force and intensity that I'm sure it knocked the wind out of both of us.

Then Seth cleared his throat. "Ew! Get a room!"

There was honestly never a time where I had ever had a negative thought about the kid. Until now.

Edward chuckled, getting off of me before messing up Seth's hair in playful irritation. "Alright kid, let's finish making these damn pancakes." He then turned back to me, his smile infectious. "And since you clearly can't manage to eat anything without getting food all over yourself, why don't you head your pretty little self upstairs and take a shower?"

I rolled my eyes, listening to him nonetheless.

I admittedly skipped up the stairs in complete bliss, unable to hold back the unstoppable smile that I wished could stay on my face forever. I wasn't sure what Edward was on – though I hoped to God it was nothing – but whatever it was, if it was anything at all, I was oddly very okay with it.

As I turned on the steamy water, I took a moment to ponder the possibilities of his mood other than the obvious. Had Carlisle's incredibly off diagnosis in regards to placing him in a rehab actually helped him? Had he really managed to change that much over the course of over a month? Or was this just another one of his moods that I'd need to start taking in strides?

I had to stop myself from over-thinking, knowing that Edward and I had plenty of time to talk about any of this for the remainder of our weekend. A whole three days left. . .

Of course there was still Seth.

I sighed, stepping out of the shower. Since I had basically been living in Edward's poor sweatshirt for the past month, I put on one of my own for a change along with a pair of old, black yoga pants before throwing my hair up into a wet, messy bun. At this point, I figured we were really beyond looks by now. Whether my outfit was made for the runway or not, I was a hundred percent positive that Edward really could have cared less.

When I entered back into the kitchen, both boys were sitting calmly at the counter, faces slightly less covered in flour. Next to Edward was an empty seat with a plate of Mickey pancakes in front of it and orange juice in a wine glass. I grinned as I sat down, shaking my head. "You know, it was my plan to make you breakfast, not the other way around."

"So basically no one's gonna claim the pants in this relationship?"

I elbowed him, rolling my eyes. "But seriously, I wanted to do this for you. After last night."

"There's always lunch and dinner," he teased, shoving a forkful of Mickey's left ear into his mouth. He swallowed, gulping down half of his glass of milk before his expression grew thoughtful and he lowered his voice so that only I could hear it. "I'm going to do everything I fucking can. This is me making it up to you. Making everything up to you. Just please let me do it?"

I frowned. "You don't owe me anything. This isn't about getting even. Edward, you don't have to make anything up to me."

His frown matched mine and his troubled green eyes stared at me for a long moment before he finally sighed, promptly dismissing the unfinished conversation as a smile played back onto his lips. "Just each your pancakes before I dump some more flour on that pretty little face of yours, alright?"

When I smiled back at him before looking down at my food, I felt it wasn't sincere. I knew it wasn't sincere. And I was sure Edward knew it too. But really, how could I be genuinely happy when Edward still truly believed with every being inside of him that everything he did was wrong? That everything bad was his fault, even when it wasn't. Not at all.

Edward was the one who opted for a movie day. Now in theory, I had no reason to protest against this. I mean, who in their right mind would ever protest the idea of spending an entire day cuddled under blankets and eating endless amounts of popcorn? With Edward? It was a no brainer. But as Seth put our now fifth DVD into the player and Edward adjusted his comfortable arm around me, I realized that we were stalling.

Two movies later?

Definitely stalling.

And the only reason I didn't chew him out for refusing to have a necessary conversation with him was because he had been gone for a month and it was nearly impossible to resist the security and wholeness of simply being with him once again.

Seth remained awake as the evening progressed into later hours. We were now on our eleventh movie. I planned on confronting Edward as soon as Seth fell asleep, but it turns out that plan backfired when I was the one who ended up falling asleep first. Edward must have carried me up to his bedroom as soon as he realized I was sleep because I awoke several hours later comfortably in his bed. Well, uncomfortably, seeing as in I was the only one lying in his bed and the spot beside me was very cold and vacant. Like he hadn't even crawled in bed with me to begin with.

I glanced at the clock, sighing. It was just past three in the morning.

Because of how cold the temperature in the house was, I wrapped a blanket around myself and sleepily exited his bedroom to go and search for where he might be. My guess was that he continued the movie marathon with Seth and that they both must have fallen asleep downstairs but as I tiptoed past Seth's bedroom, glancing inside to see his still figure lying peacefully in bed, I wondered what Edward could have possibly been up to.

I descended down the stairs when I heard it. I practically melted. It was the softest, faintest noise. The sweetest noise.

Edward was playing.

Trying to contain my smile to a reasonable size so not to frighten him with my excitement, I made my way to the room that had seemingly started this all. He didn't so much as acknowledge my presence as I entered the dimly lit room. Maybe he was too focused to notice. I stood by the door for a long moment before moving, just listening to the contrast in the music Edward was playing now. Although to anyone else it would sound beyond tragic, I heard a change. This was lighter somehow. Happier then his melodies had sounded the last time we were both in this room.

I carefully walked forward until I was standing very closely behind his postured back. He kept playing. I gently rested my chin on his right shoulder, slowly bringing my arms to wrap around his torso.

He didn't stop playing. With a faint smile at the corner of his lips he continued with his music. I waited until he was done; it seemed like hours. But when the music was finally able to fade and his fingers were still at last, I hugged him tighter. "Hey. What's bothering you?" I whispered softly into his ear.

He let out an incredibly long sigh, his eyes falling shut. "I shouldn't do this to you. I can't do this to you. I've tried so hard to stop this from happening. I've done everything I could; tried everything I could. I promised it wouldn't happen. . .God, all I do is break my fucking promises. . ." he trailed off, shaking his head.

"What? Promised what?" I asked, completely bewildered by his bleak vagueness.

His eyes opened at once and immediately found mine. "I promised myself. . .God, even though it's gonna sound like such a shitty cop-out and you won't believe it and I shouldn't even be saying it at all because I can't do this to you. I broke another promise and–"

"Edward, what?" I begged for him to tell me.

And in that moment, it was like the world stood still. "I promised myself I wouldn't fall in love with you."

________

* * *

_When your tears are spent on your last pretense,  
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense.  
When it's in your spine like you've walked for miles,  
And the only thing you want is just to be still for a while._

If your heart wears thin I will hold you up,  
And I will hide you when it gets too much,  
I'll be right beside you.

_Trust in me, trust in me._  
_Don't pull away,_  
_Just trust in me, trust in me,_  
_Cause I'm just trying to keep this together,_  
_Cause I could do worse and you could do better._

_____-Beside You, Marianas Trench_

__**And you thought I wouldn't give you fluff. So, um, all I'm gonna say is enjoy it while it lasts, okay?**

**And maybe leave me some love if you're feelin' like it too? (:**


	29. Yellow

**Hey guys. There are no words to express how agonizingly bad I feel about everything. The lack of updates. The lack of contact. These last few months have been the hardest of my life and it was just not possible for me to do next to anything. Getting back to writing this was so very hard, and I apologize so very much for that. But I couldn't dream of not finishing this for you all. Because your love for the story and support for me has always gotten me through anything and I know it will get me through this. I cannot ever express with words how much each and every one of you means to me, and I promise, as soon as I'm ready I will give an explanation. I am so, so sorry. Thank you all. So insanely much.**

**I will quickly just recap what was previously happening in the story, in case anyone needs a refresher: _Edward and Bella got into a huge fight because Bella told Carlisle about Edward being bipolar, and Edward over-reacted. Bella left the state to be with Renee and for weeks Bella refused to contact Edward or acknowledge his apologies. Bella finally comes back and the two finally talk. That talking ends up in reckless sex neither were ready for. They wake up to a call for Edward demanding that he be home immediately. Carlisle sends Edward off to a rehab center in California, promising his stay there will be a necessary amount of months. Bella and Alice try to visit but only Alice is allowed due to the program Edward was put in. Bella remains devastated and with no able contact from Edward. The Cullen's ask her to babysit for Seth over the long Valentine's Day weekend, and Edward ends up showing up because of Esme's sign off on his leave. Edward has literally just confessed his love for Bella:_**

_"What? Promised what?" I asked, completely bewildered by his bleak vagueness._

_His eyes opened at once and immediately found mine. "I promised myself. . .God, even though it's gonna sound like such a shitty cop-out and you won't believe it and I shouldn't even be saying it at all because I can't do this to you. I broke another promise and–"_

_"Edward, what?" I begged for him to tell me._

_And in that moment, it was like the world stood still. "I promised myself I wouldn't fall in love with you."_

* * *

When I had first met Edward Cullen, I hadn't expected my life to change so drastically. But that's just the thing. It _had_. From that first moment up until now, my world had turned upside down. There had been a few ups and plenty of downs, but most importantly, I had somehow managed to find something in him that I had never found in anyone else before.

Love.

I had thought hearing Edward say he loved me was what I had wanted, but now, hearing the doubt and uncertainty in his voice as he made the confession as if the words were poisonous, I didn't know what to feel.

I spoke the words before I had time to process what I was saying. "You make it sound like such an awful thing," I retorted defensively. I may have sounded cold but the truth was, my mind was screaming out in nothing but hope that his explanation was worth the painfully tight knots my stomach was clenching into.

His eyes widened. "Fuck no I didn't mean it that way," the words quickly rushed out of his mouth. "Shit, that probably did sound awful. . ." he trailed off, sighing in frustration before looking at me once again. "What I mean by that is I don't want to hurt you."

Relief was bittersweet because of his ever constant self-loathing. I actually had to stop myself from rolling my eyes. It was my turn to sigh. "_How many times do I have to tell you? _I'm a big girl. Stop convincing yourself you're so awful. You're _not_."

I was so incredibly sick of this argument. I refused to have it anymore purely because of how ridiculous it was becoming. I sighed hopelessly as he didn't respond, just looking back at me through sad, tired eyes.

"I can't do this," I stated simply.

His expression dropped further. "I understand. . ."

I knew I had to be patient with his disorder but at the same time this issue needed to be solved and done with. If that was even possible. "Edward, _stop it_. Just stop. I know you want this. I want it to. Hell, I've never wanted anything so badly in my life. . ." I trailed off, my voice wavering in urgency. "So for just a goddamn second will you knock it off and realize that not everything in your life has to be bad? That there can be good if you allow there to be?" I inhaled steadily. "When I say I can't I don't mean that I can't be with you. I mean that I can't listen to you pick yourself apart and destroy any amount of happiness that tries to make its way through to you _just_ because you think you _don't deserve it_."

His eyes grew wider as I continued, but he didn't speak.

"I don't know how many times I have to try and get this to stick in your head, but you've _got to move on_. You have to allow yourself to open up to new things and forget the bad. Because I promise you, there's so much good just waiting to happen if you just _let go_."

I didn't care if he thought I sounded preachy. I didn't care if I knew I was repeating myself. I was just so done with this. So done with his stupid self demons that I couldn't fight away no matter how hard I tried.

Still, Edward remained silent, giving nothing away in the depths of his cloudy green eyes.

"There's no place to go from here but forward," I persisted in a whisper. I slowly raised my hand to run through his hair before gently resting my forehead on his. "Edward, you don't want to go through life with anymore regrets. So just live now. And I promise you," my voice cracked. "That everything. . .will be okay."

I was taken back when instead of responding to my heartfelt plea, he simply just dropped his gaze to the lowest point possible and remained ever so silent. It was like that for a good couple minutes and despite my urge to open my mouth with sentence after sentence of redundant phrases, I stayed patient. Because if this was going to work, I would require a hell of a lot of patience. I figured, now was as good of any when it came to starting points.

However, ten minutes passed and my patience was wearing thin. Right as I was about to open my mouth to sigh, like he was predicting my frustrating and answering it, his gaze snapped back up to mine. In three simple words, he somehow resolved everything between us. In three simple words, I had never heard such passion and certainty. In three simple words, and the way he said those three words, I believed him with all of my heart.

"I love you."

And like it was the most natural thing in the world, a huge smile overtook my face as my expression lit up with nothing but hope for a previously looking bleak future. "I know," I responded simply. Overwhelmed. Over-joyed. "And funny thing is, I kinda love you too."

And that was that.

I was on cloud nine. I didn't know about Edward, but I definitely was. I was feeling things I had never felt before. Wanting things I had never wanted before. So many things to say, so many ways to say them. I was done talking though. All I had been doing was talking. It was time for a change, and the ever constant realization that we were all alone only urged the swelling ache of need I had for Edward even further.

In a simple motion, I pushed Edward down, rolling onto his chest before securing myself by straddling his waist. His look of confusion and amusement was priceless, and I took it in momentarily before I rushed my lips to his. He wasted no time in adjusting to the mood, swiftly moving his hands to place firmly on each side of my waist.

As the kiss slowly began to escalate and our lips grew more eager by the second, I breathlessly pulled away, catching some much needed air while he did the same. As we each wordlessly compose ourselves, I suddenly became _very _aware of what my pelvic region was grinding into. Like on cue to this realization, Edward raised his hips up, further confirming his very attractive arousal.

I know what I wanted to happen, but as I attempted to remove Edward's shirt, his intent became unclear. As we continued kissing and I continued tugging at his shirt, he gave no confirmation that he wanted me to continue, followed my the uncertainty his kiss soon brought. After a few more moments of dealing with his unnecessary caution, I sighed in frustration and pulled back from his face.

I was happy. So was he. I was ready this time. And I refused to let some angst cock block me for the _bazillionth time_ _since I had met him_. "Edward," I got out, still breathless from the kiss. "I think I get what you're trying to do here, and I appreciate it and all, but I promise. . ."

"Bella," he cut me off seriously, also catching his breath. "I'm not making the same mistake two times in a row." He rapidly continued, "Last time neither of us were ready, and as good as it may have felt, it was a bad decision for the wrong reasons."

Logical Edward. What a rarity he was. And suddenly, I was about ten times more turned on than I had been ten minutes ago. I almost had to stop myself from grinning. "Edward," I repeated his name, the mere sound of it giving me shivers, "I know. But this time, I'm ready."

His incredulous look earned him a dirty look. He chuckled, though remained serious. "No bullshit, Bella. We can't do this unless you're a hundred perfect sure that you actually are ready."

With utmost confidence I never knew I even possessed, I roughly grabbed a fistful of his hair, "God dammit, Edward," I growled, "Quit worrying about me, if _you _don't want to do this, then just say s–" He pulled his face to mine, our lips crashing back together before I could even finish my sentence.

And finally I got his damn shirt off.

And I kept pulling his hair.

And he would moan.

And the need for some new undies had passed _long, long_ ago.

And as my hands gripped tightly onto the waistband of his attractively low-slung boxers, he pulled his lips from mine and grabbed onto my hands, restraining both of them.

"For the love of _God_," I moaned in frustration.

He quickly silenced me simply by the depths of his emerald eyes. With my heart still racing rapidly, he slowly moved one of his hands up until it settle, cupping my cheek. "Bella," he whispered softly, tenderly, with a gentleness I never even knew he had, "Baby, slow down. I want to make love to you in all sense of the term."

Bella's heart = a gushy mess.

"Just let me do this. Please, I _have_ to do this."

His words shot straight through me, and this time, not just to my lower abdomen, but to my heart as well. I realized I _had_ been rushing. I realized that had I kept it up, it would have been the exact same as last time. Mirroring my thoughts, he continued to speak. "I don't want it to be rushed. I don't want it to be reckless. I want to show you just how fucking much I love you."

And all I could do was stare at him through wide eyes, gulp loudly, and nod. I was past the point of coming to terms with an actual response to just how unexpected his words had been. With a genuine Edward smile, his lips moved back to mine.

And this time, our kisses were not rough and urgent. They were deep, slow, and passionate. He held onto me like I was his lifeline. Like if he were to let go, or break the kiss, I would be gone. And as soon as he warm, firm hands had removed the little I had left of clothing, my whole body became a lit with this feeling of pure ecstasy.

From the simplicity of this touch.

From the depth of his love.

Unlike last time, he took the time to explore my body. Rolling us so that we were on our sides, facing each other, his hands moved effortlessly over my skin. I gasped into his mouth at the feel of his long fingertips gazing over my breasts as if they were a feather. He circled his index finger around my nipple, and suddenly was cupping the whole thing in his hand, gradually applying pressure at different parts.

He removed his lips from mine before trailing them in a slow steady path until they were sucking lightly on my neck. My hand gripped ruthlessly at his hair, often too hard I was sure, but as his warm hands began moving lower, I was really beyond the point of controlling the mere muscles in my fingers. Or any muscles in my body for that matter. . .

His hand finally stilled when it reached my heat. His hand barely hovered over it, and as impatient as I wanted to act, I wanted to do this Edward's way. With a light nibble on my neck, his index finger was suddenly exploring my wet folds. I couldn't stop myself from gasping and tightening my grip on his hair further as he moved gentle over my most sensitive spot. Over. And over and over. I began moving my hips along with his motions, hoping and praying that he would finally just put it _in _me. But as soon as it seemed like he was going to, he stopped.

I dropped my head, sighing in exasperation as I closed my eyes.

He chuckled quietly. "Tired already? And we haven't even gotten to the good part yet. . ." his voice was soft, playful. And he was being mean.

I opened my eyes, keeping them only on his as I gripped the waistband of his boxers, removing my last obstacle from the picture. He shivered from the adjustment to the exposure of air in the room and I slowly smiled. It was my turn now.

Never breaking eye contact, I slowly trailed my hand down his lower abdomen, just like he had done to me. His widen in what almost seemed like surprise with the intentions I had. I refrained from rolling my eyes. _Men_.

But as soon as my hand gently wrapped itself around his length, he wasn't the only one who needed to catch his breath. Memories from last time filled my head, not the good or the bad, simply just the feeling of having him instead of me. The remembrance of just how. . .well, _big_ he was made my ache only grow stronger.

Not realizing I was just frozen holding him, he reminded me by thrusting his hips upward in an impatient movement. I studied his face, satisfied to see the utter want and impatience I'm sure my face had shown as well. I slowly began moving my had up and down, though never have giving a hand job before in my life. Regardless of it's quality, Edward seemed more undone my the second until he suddenly gripped his hand over mine, halting my movements.

I watched his chest rise and fall in frantic motions until his breath was caught and he was able to speak clearly to me. "Baby, you ready?" he whispered fondly.

I bit my lip, nodding almost instantly. He wordlessly reached over me and pulled open the drawer to his bed stand. I let out a silent sigh of relief as he unwrapped the condom and put it on himself. Once he was done and had thrown the wrapper somewhere on the floor, his eyes met back up with mine, and a soft smile spread to his lips. "I love you."

Silently he rolled us over, me on the bottom, him on top. Cupping my cheek with one hand, he gave me one deep kiss on the lips before he moved his hands to either side of my face, holding himself up over me as I arched my hips upward, begging for his to meet mine.

All my impatience, all my silly little background thoughts and irrational pleas suddenly vanished as Edward and I connected for the second time. Because all I could see was Edward. All I could feel was Edward. All I could think was Edward.

And the way he filled me, making my body whole. The feeling was almost too much for me to bear.

After making sure that I was okay, he began slow, passionate thrusts in and out. Each time, pushing deeper in, each time making me lose further composure. Occasionally he would lean his face down, surrendering his lips to me as I gripped his head, begging for the feelings my body had to never stop.

His hands moved from the bed up to grip the headboard as his body covered the length of mine. I wrapped my legs around his waist, making him able to go deeper inside of me. I sucked and bit on his neck, the only sounds in my world being Edward's steady heart beat and low moans. Our eyes connected for a long moment, the tenderness in his green eyes almost undoing me right then and there, causing the pressure in my abdomen to amplify.

It was coming. I felt it coming. And Edward must have known that. Keeping his thrusts steady and deep, he leaned his lips down to my ear, his breath sending me shivers as he kissed it repeatedly. "Come on, baby," he whispered. "You're so close, Bella, you're so. . .goddamn _beautiful._"

And that was the end of me. I felt every muscle in my body clench as I gripped onto Edward tighter than humanly possible. My loud moans were muffled my Edward's shoulder as I buried my body in his, collapsing breathlessly when my climax and subsided.

Edward, just a few seconds behind me, made his release before allowing himself to fall to the covers beside me.

Neither of us said anything for a long while, both simply just laying there in the silence. I let my eyes fall shut, well aware of the very large smile on my face while I waited for my heart rate to slow itself down to a healthy pace. My body was jelly and I couldn't move it even if I tried. I felt the bed shift beside me as Edward pulled his comforter over the both of us. He gently rolled me to my side, facing away from him. I felt his body press itself up against mine as his strong arms constricted themselves around me, holding me tightly to his chest. His chin rested on my shoulder, his hot breath tickling my ear.

"You saved me," was what he whispered, barely audible.

It was like my heart was the one sighing in contentment as I responded with a sleepy smile, "I know."

I fell asleep as I felt his body shake along with his soft chuckle.

I slept soundly until the unpleasant vibrations of a nearby phone woke me up. I glanced at the clock on Edward's nightstand and read just a little past 6 in the morning. I grinned widely at Edward's almost crushingly tight gripped still around me and the way he had buried his face in my neck. I almost couldn't bear waking him, but his phone buzzed on.

"Edward?" I asked softly, hoping he would awake.

Five seconds later, "Hmmmm?" I allowed his phone to answer the question as to why I had waken him up. He squeezed me tight before releasing me and reaching for his phone. I snuggled into his chest as he sat up slightly, answering it. "Hello?" His voice was groggy and full of sleep.

I closed my eyes once more, still smiling from last night. Until I was able to hear the response of the person on the other line.

"Edward, he found out I signed your release. He found out and he's furious. . .I've been trying to reach you all morning. . .we are about to catch our flight. . .we're coming home early."

My eyes widened, his whole body freezing.

_He found out and he's furious. . ._

* * *

_Look at the stars,  
Look how they shine for you.  
And all the things you do;  
Yeah they were all yellow.  
_- Yellow, Coldplay

**God I've missed you all. So fucking much.**


	30. Grown Up

**I'm back, and I swear I mean it this time, I PROMISE. I promise, I promise, I promise. And I'm not offended if you don't believe me, but I'm finishing the story. I am, and I will by the end of the summer. It's hard to say how many chapters are left, although my outline for the end is finished. I'd say around 5 or so more + an epi.**

**On a different note, these past few nights I have been falling asleep reading your guys's reviews for the story. Every single one of them I reread. And when I was done, I honestly just broke down and cried. And cried some more. Because to think of the amount of support you have all given me over the years with every one of my stories is earth-shattering. I am so touched, to know everyone of you, and to be able to share the crazy pieces of thought I call my silly mind. I am so unbelievably blessed to be able to hear your thoughts of each and every one of you, and I have missed you all so much. That sounds silly, but I do. And the sillier part is that I think people are reading this instead of the chapter you have all waited INCREDIBLY long for.**

**One last thing, I swear. For those of you that are still following my ghost of a twitter, THANK YOU AND BLESS YOUR FLIPPIN SOUL. For those of you who didn't know I had a twitter, you can follow me at /_simplydazzling. I will be tweeting frequently, giving teasers and updates on the next chapters. Like I said, I really am back. :)**

**I have so much more I could say, so many more things, so many more thank you's and I'm sorry's, but I'll wait, so not to keep _you _waiting any longer.**

_END OF CH. 29:  
_

_Five seconds later, "Hmmmm?" I allowed his phone to answer the question as to why I had waken him up. He squeezed me tight before releasing me and reaching for his phone. I snuggled into his chest as he sat up slightly, answering it. "Hello?" His voice was groggy and full of sleep._

_I closed my eyes once more, still smiling from last night. Until I was able to hear the response of the person on the other line._

_"Edward, he found out I signed your release. He found out and he's furious. . .I've been trying to reach you all morning. . .we are about to catch our flight. . .we're coming home early."_

_My eyes widened, his whole body freezing._

_He found out and he's furious. . ._

* * *

I swear, these early morning phone calls were going to be the death of me.

And apparently Edward as well.

It had been five minutes since Esme had gotten off the phone and neither of us had moved since. It wasn't so much that the news was shocking, because they were coming back in two days anyway, it was just the fact that they _were _coming back in the first place that I think had caught the both of us off guard.

It was hard to face the reality that even in a perfect little bubble that was seemingly indestructible, it was just as fragile and pop-able as any other. It wasn't so much that Edward was panicking, or even freaking out. . .After all, he remained silent and calm next to me, though to calculate his actual thoughts was impossible. I think he was just beginning to brace himself.

Finally, after another few minutes of silence, he sighed and stood up. I forgot we had never quite gotten to the part where we put our clothes back on last night. . .and was I ever so glad we hadn't. Because as Edward groggily rubbed both his eyes and hair, I had the perfect few of a very _awake_ Edward. His body. . .oh _god_ his body. I didn't understand how he kept it, or how he even managed to get it in the first place. But he had it. And I was counting my blessings for that.

He eventually noticed my dream-like gaze on his lower region and rolled his eyes, snorting quietly to himself before reaching down and snatching his boxers, swiftly sliding them back onto his body. I frowned, looking up at him through my eye lashes.

He closed his eyes and moaned. "Jesus Christ, Bella. Don't give me that face. Don't make it harder than it has to fucking be. . ." I never broke my sad eyes from his. "You _know_ I'd let you give me a blow job in a fucking heart beat so don't give me that."

I sighed, biting my lip. "I just wanted to try. . ." I trailed off, moving my gaze downward. I was confident my innocence would get to him and I'd have my view back.

Oddly enough, he was harder to crack than that. "_Bella_," he groaned, grabbing a fistful of his hair in his grasp. "_Fuck_. I need. . .I need a clear head right now. . .You can't, shit– quit makin' that fucking face, we _can't_ right now. . ."

His struggle for words and lack of composure was enough to satisfy me for the time being. I sighed in resignation. "Later?" I smiled, my voice hopeful. I tried to somehow manage to sound seductive as well but I wasn't quite sure it worked. After all, I was new to this whole thing.

Apparently it worked. A crooked grin took over his lips. "Of course, baby," he promised quickly. His loud following swallow did not escape my notice and I had to refrain from showing any sort of smugness. After I realized I'd had my fun, I remembered the current situation and what we would soon be faced with. Well, it was more so Edward than me, but there was no way in hell I was feeding him to the sharks alone. I didn't want to make it a habit fighting with Carlisle, but since I had done it once, it was easy to say I'd have no problem doing it again. Especially for Edward.

Edward's face had turned serious as well, his eyes full of frustration as he absentmindedly brushed back a few strands of loose hair from my face. "I don't wanna fucking deal with him," he murmured quietly before the volume of his voice increased slightly. "But I guess it's gotta happen, huh?" he glanced at me.

I hesitated before nodding. Up until this point I had been using the confines of Edward's comforter to keep myself hidden. There was something about the way Edward was handling this and how calm he was and how nice his eyes looked. . .I sat up in his bed, letting go of the blanket as it fell to the side.

Edward immediately made it a point not to look at me, trying to be gentlemanly I'd imagine. I couldn't help myself from rolling my eyes as I retrieved my bra from off his floor. I glanced at him again and noticed him staring at my chest. I shivered, though not from the cold air but from Edward's eyes and how hungry they looked. Maybe I _would_ get my way after all.

"Edward," I began slowly.

His eyes fell shut momentarily. "I need this for just a second if that's okay. Then I'll be okay."

Confused, I opened my mouth but before I had the chance to even ask what he was talking about, both his hands were groping my chest. He squeezed with so much pressure that it was almost painful, but I let him get it out of his system because I knew he was enjoying himself and I liked the way he watched his hands on me. It lasted just about as long as it started. "I literally can't handle seeing you like this. . ." he trailed off, his voice surprisingly soft. "I don't know where you've been my whole fucking life but man does it feel good to have you here now."

I couldn't help but grin and roll my eyes. Typical Edward. He was getting into this weird habit where he'd not be able to stop himself from giving in to his less than honorable _urges_, and right after he'd tell me something sweet _just_ to make sure I was aware of his new found sweet side. What a confusing boy he was. How much I loved him and all his confusion.

As soon as we were both fully clothed and sitting back on the bed, a troubled look crossed his face. "I don't really know what to think," he sighed. "I mean shit, I don't know what else he has to throw at me. Send me back to California? Good luck there," he chuckled humorlessly. "Ground me? Good fucking joke, I'm eighteen." At this point it seemed as if Edward was merely musing out loud to himself.

Something he said did catch my attention, however. It never really came to my occurrence before that Edward was in fact eighteen. He didn't have to live under the Cullen's roof anymore, and he certainly was in no agreement that required him to stick around. Even though I was the same, like any other eighteen year old, Edward's situation was much different, giving him plausible reasons to move out and be on his own. "You are eighteen," I agreed, pondering.

"Good math," he responded absentmindedly, teasing me.

I rolled my eyes before turning serious again. "Have you ever, you know. . .considered moving out?"

He didn't answer right away, most likely searching for the right answer in his head first. "Of course I have," he replied at ease. "I did nearly every day. I spent most of my clear thoughts weighing out the pros and cons, and the shitty part was, they were about even." Giving his hands something productive to do, he picked up one of mine and played with it in his. "I'd get to do what I wanted, but then again I really already do. I wouldn't have to see Carlisle's face, but then again, I don't too much as it is. Plus then I wouldn't see Seth. Or Alice." It didn't escape my notice that he failed to mention his other brother's name. "And the biggest problem is probably the whole managing money thing. . ." He seemed to finish wherever he was going with that.

"Yeah?" I hedged for him to continue on.

"Well I mean, my parents left behind a shit ton of money. You think Carlisle and Esme are well off? You have no idea how better well off my parents were. . ." The talk of wealth and money was obviously uncomfortable for him, causing him to speed over the topic as painless as possible. "But yeah. I get it all when I'm eighteen. So having money isn't the problem, even though I don't have a job or income. . .it's what I'm afraid I will do with it when I'm not in the right. . .mind state," he finished forcefully.

I could tell he was still trying to get used to the idea of his disorder, so I took his tip-toeing around it as a good sign rather than a bad. Not only that but how responsible his logic was for the whole situation in general. "Wow," I couldn't help but let out in awe. "Edward. I'm so proud of you."

A small, casual smile tugged at his lips before he pursed his lips to rid it from his face. "I don't know, I guess it's easier not having to worry about shit like paying a rent each month, buying food, keeping things clean. I already have enough to worry about, I don't need anything else just yet." He sighed again. "I guess I'm indifferent about it. I guess I don't mind staying here a little longer."

He hadn't realized it, but this conversation just proved yet again how easy it was for him to open up to me when he didn't have to think about putting walls up or protecting himself or whatever he believed. He was able to just talk, and I was able to just listen. How nice it was and how incredible of a step I found it to be. So many things had changed with him, not because of the rehab, just because of all this time he had. . .and just how much better he had been fighting his own battles.

I had been learning very quickly that Edward could be a very good fighter when he wanted to be. And as much as everybody thought he was all temper and yelling and smoking to back up his arguments (although some of that being true), he genuinely did have reasoning behind much of the stuff he did. At least of lately. I was probably getting ahead of myself, however, and decided maybe I was verging on hero-worship and giving him the slightest bit too much of credit.

"I don't really know what to do about Carlisle either," I eventually sighed.

He snorted. "It's not like this is your problem, Bella."

"I know, it's just that lately the only kind of interactions I've had with him have been shouting battles and I'm just not sure of how to go about anything anymore. I don't know what to do to not get further on his bad side because it's obviously not a place to be. . ." I trailed off as I noticed an amused eyebrow raise on his part.

"Shouting battles?" he questioned with a smirk, ignoring everything else I had said.

I shrugged timidly. "I guess I don't want to make you fight alone." When his expression grew further amused, I lightly smacked his shoulder. "It was only twice. And I didn't exactly win, as you can see."

We continued talking like this for the next hour, my intentions being to distract Edward from the problem at hand. Although it was probably more for me than it was for him, because truthfully I was scared to death of his uncle's arrival. Edward, however, seemed surprisingly calm. More so than I had ever seen him, in fact.

At around 7:30 Seth wandered into the room, his expression so sleepy I almost thought he was sleep walking. He walked over and gave the both of us a big hug before asking what time it was and if breakfast was ready. Fibbing, I told him it was only 5:30 and that he needed to get back to bed or else he would be so tired for the rest of the day. I was stalling to keep him away for when Carlisle got back. I didn't know what would happen and Seth didn't need to hear any of it.

"Okay, Belly!" he yawned. "Wake me up when breakfast is ready."

I smiled and nodded at him before watching him exit the room.

And then we played the waiting game.

It was exactly four hours later that through the dark, rainy skies from outside a pair of headlights shined brightly through the window. The TV was on, but neither of us had been watching it. I sat on the couch, Edward on the chair. His loud gulp was audible across the room. _Showtime_, I thought sarcastically in my head, secretly taking a nervous gulp myself. Here we go.

I heard the sound of the front door open. Then I heard footsteps. Steady, urgent ones followed by the clicking of fast, desperate ones behind. Since I was facing the opposite direction of the entry way, I didn't get to see Carlisle as he entered. Though the room felt as if his presence brought a temperature change of ten degrees cooler. I kept my eyes on Edward's face as he kept his on Carlisle's. He was not glaring, just looking with challenging eyes. As if he was completely prepared for anything Carlisle had to throw at him.

"I made it clear," Carlisle finally spoke, his voice loud and persistent. "That your time of departure was in my hands, and my hands only."

Edward didn't speak. He didn't move. I wasn't sure Carlisle was even aware I was in the room. I'm not sure it would have made a difference if he did.

"You live under my house, you follow my rules."

Still, Edward said nothing. This seemed to agitate Carlisle.

Surprisingly, it was Esme who spoke next. "Car," she pleaded. "Edward had nothing to do with leaving early, it was me. He didn't leave on his accord, _I _signed the papers. It was Valentine's day. . ." she trailed off, her voice becoming timid. "I felt guilty that all of us would be gone and Edward would be all alone. . ."

Edward seemed to shoot his aunt an appreciative look, one in which did not escape the notice of Carlisle. "If Edward didn't want to be alone on Valentine's day, _Edward_ could have made some better decisions instead of making his life hell for everyone in it."

Though Edward's face visibly changed, and his calm facade began to crack, he still said nothing. This encouraged Carlisle. It was like he wasn't about to be satisfied until he got a reaction out of Edward. Edward knew this.

"_Maybe_," he continued, the icy tone in his voice become colder. "If _Edward _wanted to be treated with the same respect as everyone else, _Edward_ would try a little. . .damn. . .harder to make some sort of an effort," he clenched through his teeth, "in means of improvement."

"Carlisle," Esme pleaded once more. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him shove her away a few feet.

"No he's right," Edward finally spoke, his voice matching both Carlisle's volume and tone. "It's my fault. "No perfect Edward, sorry to fucking disappoint, as always. Sorry to 'bring shame to the family name', _Dad,_" he hissed ferociously. "Oh that's right. You're _not_ my dad. Ha. Funny because for a second I thought you were."

Carlisle's face was growing redder by the second.

"You want to know why?" he continued. "I can see why you two were brothers. You both get some sick, twisted satisfaction from watching me tear myself up." Edward was falling apart. He was slowly losing the grip he had on his calmness and entering into uncharted territory. "It's not good enough to you that their death is on my fucking hands and that I have to live with that everyday, is it? It's not good enough that they pushed me to the point where my mental state was so fucked up I couldn't even control it anymore, is it?" My heart was breaking at Edward's words, confessions Carlisle did not deserve to hear. Edward didn't owe Carlisle anything.

"Edward," I unexpectedly whispered through unmoving lips. I don't know why. There was virtually nothing I could do for him at the moment. This was between him and Carlisle. And I was positive Esme's thoughts mirrored my own.

Carlisle was silent for a long moment, simply just glaring at the space before him, refusing to meet Edward's eyes as he said his next words. "Well maybe if you would have acted a little more grown up about the situation in the first place."

Edward's face paled. It looked like he was about to be sick. _I_ felt like _I_ was about to be sick. Carlisle had said some disbelieving things in the past, but it was nothing compared to the utter ridiculousness of _that_ statement. I wasn't sure how much longer I was going to be able to just bite my lip in silence. _This was Edward's fight_, I kept convincing myself. _Edward was a big boy_.

"Go and fuck yourself because I am done with this bullshit." Edward crossed the room in long, angry paces, shoving past his uncle to get to the door. Carlisle placed a firm hand on his shoulder as Edward grabbed hold of the door knob. Edward briskly shook it off. "Don't you dare fucking touch me," he snarled.

Carlisle's voice was flat, loud, and final. "You walk out that door and you are no longer welcome back into this home."

Edward stood there for a moment, long strands of hair falling onto his face as his whole body heaved deep, heavy breaths. It was just a moment before he swung the door open, slamming it shut behind him without glancing back.

* * *

_If I could find a way to see this straight_  
_I'd run away_  
_To some fortune that I should have found by now_

_And so I run now to the things they said could restore me_  
_Restore life the way it should be_  
_I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down_

_Life's too short to even care at all oh_  
_I'm losing my mind losing my mind losing control  
_- Cough Syrup, Young The Giant

**Reviews are like my rainbow in the middle of my bleak, rainy day. Because I love you guys and in the words of Edward, miss the shit out of you.**


	31. First Impressions

**Told you I promised. :)**

**To everyone who came back to this story, and is continuing to read it, I love you. Sincerely I do. Even though I though I have no idea how many people that is, but hey. I will find out in due time, I suppose. Oh! And shout-out to all/any guys who are reading this. *raises eyebrows* Anyone, anyone? My point is. I love you all. And for once I don't have much to say in an AN. Mark the day.**

* * *

I had ran after Edward, biting my tongue so not to say anything to Carlisle as I also exited quickly out the door. Edward had the Volvo running and was sitting in the driver's seat, no doubt waiting for me to leave the house behind him. I ran up to the window which was open.

"Is Charlie at your house?" His voice was shaky and his eyes were panicked.

I shook my head. "Not till later tonight." My voice was breathless.

"I'll meet you there," he said, whipping out of the driveway before I had a chance to respond.

I walked briskly toward my car, dialing Alice's number as I got inside. She answered as I was backing out and pulling onto the road. "Bella?" She sounded confused, and I suddenly hoped I hadn't interrupted anything, forgetting she was still on her fairytale vacation with Jasper. Before I even responded, she sighed in sadness. "This is something about Edward, isn't it? And Carlisle? Him and Esme must have just gotten home. . ."

"He was kicked out of the house, Al. I don't know where he's gonna go. He can't stay at my house unless I find a plausible excuse to give to Charlie. Who has never met him."

There was a long pause before she said anything, contemplating the situation while Jasper was surely standing somewhere near, listening in on the conversation. "Jesus. He just can't catch a _break,_ that boy. God, um. . ." she trailed off, at a lost. "Shit, Bella. Shit I have no idea."

I sighed too, because there really was no good answer here. "I didn't have a chance to grab him any of his stuff either. I've never seen your dad like that, and I've gotten into fights with him before. This was like no other." I remembered to take steady inhales, realizing that a panic attack would not do any good to anybody in this situation.

"Are you guys going back to your house now?" she asked. "I mean, just for now?"

"Yeah," I answered, taking a deep breath. "For now, yeah."

"Okay, well here's what you need to do. Give it an hour or so, maybe longer, and call Esme. She's on Edward's side. Come to think of it, the only one who hasn't been lately is Carlisle. But anyways," she continued in a hurry. "Have her pack a bag for him. Clothes and whatever the hell else he might need. I don't know how long Carlisle's going to keep him from home or what the plan is, but have her grab my credit card for him. I'm sure Carlisle's cut off his, just because he can. So have her grab mine so he can use it in case he needs a hotel or anything."

"Alright," I agreed, willing to talk to Esme knowing she was on our side. "I can do that."

"And, Bella?" she added, nerves evident in even her voice. "We'll be back tomorrow afternoon. Emmett and I will talk to Carlisle. I'll talk to Edward. We'll figure this out, because this isn't right, and my dad has gone too far for me to stand by and watch this time."

Relief swept through me in response to the utter determination in her words. "Thanks, Al," I breathed, almost to my house.

She laughed, though it was off from her usual trilling chimes. "Hardly. I should have stepped in a _long_ time ago, Bella. You're the one I should be thanking." She paused for a second before sighing once more. "I'll get my dad to change. I'll get his head on straight."

"Please have fun on the rest of your trip, Al?" I requested, worried this would ruin their last day in paradise. "Make Jazz a happy boy like I know you've been doing." I tried to make my voice light and joking but it just sounded off.

"I will, Bella," she promised, though her voice sounded off as well. "Love you, see you tomorrow, and hang in there!"

I ended the call as soon as I pulled into my driveway next to Edward's car. He had been there long before me, no doubt, due to the ridiculousness that was his driving.

He was out of his car before I had even turned mine off. He paced in a rapid circle near my front door, waiting for me to open it. His hands ran themselves frantically through his messy strands and his chaotic shaking was hard to watch. I was worried about him now more than I had been back at his house. This kind of behavior from him meant nothing good, and I began growing nervous that he was slipping into one of his moods. Apparently, his thoughts mirrored my own.

We stepped inside and he pulled me over to the couch before I could take my shoes off. He grabbed my hand and held it tightly in his. "Do you feel that?" he asked, referring to the shaking that was taking place throughout his body. His eyes were wide and scared.

My heart tugged. Edward was scared.

"Yeah," I whispered. "I feel it."

"Bella, what the fuck is happening to me? I can't, I can't sit or stand or lay down or kneel or walk or anything without shaking and feeling like my heart's about to implode through my chest and I can't calm the fuck down and I feel like I'm losing myself. I feel like I'm slipping."

The Edward before me was a side of him I'd never seen. I didn't think it would ever be possible for he himself to be able to register the drastic mood changes he, normally oblivious, went through. Which led me to believe that this wasn't actually one of his mood swings, and that he was simply reacting to the impact of what had just happened.

I moved my hand that wasn't squeezing his hand to his hair and began stroking through it. That always seemed to calm him down to some magnitude. "You're not losing yourself," I assured softly. "You're not slipping. You're human."

He shook his head frantically, and didn't stop until seconds later when he started to speak. "No, I don't, don't know where to go or what to do. Shit I can't see straight, I don't fucking know how to breath right now."

The more he talked, the more confused I was getting. He wasn't on any sort of drug, and he hadn't been for over a month. Bewildered, I continued to gently run my fingers through his hair. "Shh, just close your eyes for a second and lay down. A lot just happened."

With an uneasy look he did just that, sprawling his long body out across the couch with his head resting his my lap. His eyes were closed, like I requested, and a quiet humming was coming from his closed lips, as if he were trying to sing himself to sleep. I smiled a little to myself, but only a little. Because really, there was so little to smile about these days.

I didn't say anything for a long while, hoping it would be effective in calming him down. The longer I waited, the steadier his breathing grew. Though it was still off a noticeable amount even when I got him to as calm as I knew I could. When he finally opened his eyes back up again, they were nervous. And once again, I was confused. Nervous wasn't something Edward was. Or at least, not something he ever showed, not even to me.

"Edward," I stated softly, stopping my fingers mid-stroke. "What's wrong?"

And even though it seemed like a silly question considering the circumstances, because obviously there were a million obvious things wrong, there was still something more, and that something was what had him so flustered. I couldn't even get a comprehensive thought from his mouth and it was scaring me more and more as the time passed.

He let out a quick breath of air before inhaling another deep one. "I started medication. I started it. I did." The words were rushed out of his mouth like they were poison. And before I could let my shock sink in, he continued blurting words. "Tiffany's wasn't the only place I stopped before I came home. I stopped at a. . .psychiatrist," he practically sneered the word, "and yeah, he prescribed me to some shit and I took it, I took it because I don't know why but I did and I'm suppose to and I think it's what you've wanted me to so I thought it'd be like another present to you and. . .surprise," he finally finished his incredibly long, sentence which I had barely understood due to its rapid pace.

I blinked once, and that was all it took before I was smiling. But my smile was short-lived because he was clearly not taking to the medication very well, even though he had been trying so hard. It was almost like the medication was causing him to have a panic attack. I sure hoped that wasn't the case. I decided to distract him from even thinking about the medication and back to the more serious issues at hand.

"Where are you gonna stay?" I questioned somberly, "What are you going to do?"

My questioned seemed to help the slightest. He pursed his lips in concerned thought. "Charlie's home tonight, huh?" he sighed, even though he had already known the answer to the question before it was even asked. "And I don't suppose I should try the whole sleepover thing."

Although I was nodding my head in agreement, I actually took the time to think about Charlie. Charlie was a good, responsible, understanding man. He wasn't some ape-crazy, temperamental freak show that lost his absolute mind at the thought of his daughter being associated with a boy. He trusted me, and he respected me. I began wondering if I posed the question and staged the whole situation in a favorable manner whether or not Charlie's answer would be yes. He was due home any minute now I was guessing. The only problem about the whole thing was that he didn't know Edward. He had never met Edward. And the only way I saw that happening was if Edward gave a hell of a good first impression.

By the looks of his shaky hands, I didn't see how he could be anywhere near capable of that anytime soon. But I suppose Edward always had a way of surprising me.

"The hotel is going to be the worse case scenario," I assured him with a small smile. "I'm sure Charlie would be more than willing to give up the couch for the night, at least for tonight. He should be home soon."

This time, the nervous look he gave me relieved me. Because it was so incredibly _normal_. Meeting my dad for the first time. I'd be concerned if he wasn't nervous. Typical relationship milestone. Even for unspoken relationships like ours. He was buying me jewelry now, but the word boyfriend sounded funny when applied to Edward. Or our situation at all. He was just. . .my Edward. And that was that.

I smiled. "He's nicer than you think."

He rolled his eyes, and the more we talked, the more he seemed at ease. "Right. _Nice._" He made a face as he said the word. And he didn't have time to say anything else before I glanced out the front window to see Charlie's cruiser pull in.

I wasn't too worried about the fact that Edward and I hadn't really talked about anything since we got here. Not about Carlisle, about the fight, or about his _medication_ of all things. I found myself reacting to everything surprisingly well. I suppose all the calmness was coming from Edward and just having him back after the long absences we had been having from each other.

Edward's face paled when he saw Charlie get out of the car, momentarily stand next to the Volvo in contemplation, and proceed his entrance into the house. I stood up and Edward sat up. It's not like Charlie would really react strangely to Edward at all considering it wasn't exactly news to him that we were kind of together. Thanks again for that one, Carlisle.

"I guess I finally get to meet the kid huh," Charlie mused as he entered the room, removing his jacket and shoes. Edward quickly jumped to his feet. "Either Bella has convinced you I'm _that_ scary not to ever make an appearance around here or that you convinced yourself that," Charlie chuckled to himself before holding out a firm hand, "Charlie Swan. You must be Edward."

Edward quickly shook it with a at-ease smile. "Yes, sir," he replied almost instantly. "It's a pleasure."

"I'd like to say that Bella's told me great things about you but that would mean she's said anything about you at all." He shot me a very pointed glance, emphasizing a very illustrious eye roll. I rolled mine back at him, resisting the urge to stick out my tongue.

Edward laughed, and it was genuine. "Well I've only heard good things about you, sir, so better you than me right?"

Charlie chuckled, and this whole conversation was relieving me in how well the two were getting along. I mean, I'm sure Charlie had heard some things about Edward and his behavior after his parent's deaths, but who hadn't? And at the same time, I don't think Edward had ever had any sort of run-ins with the police, ever. Miraculously. Which caused for a little celebration of its own. Because had Charlie had the pleasure of meeting Edward previous to now, we both would have been in trouble. After all, Charlie had been in Forks since Edward was born. No doubt had he known and respected the golden boy of the town at the time According to Alice, everyone had.

"You're staying for supper I'd hope, Edward," he said as he grabbed the remote off the coffee table, flipped on the TV to a game, and sat down in his recliner. "I'm sure Bella will whip us up something good." He shot me another pointed glance and again I rolled my eyes.

I headed into the kitchen, leaving Edward alone with Charlie. Whether that was a good or bad idea, I wasn't exactly sure. As long as Edward didn't become panicky once again, he should have been fine. Although I did worry about the topics Charlie would choose to discuss with him. If it was anything about Carlisle and his well-being – which knowing Charlie I'm sure it would be – then hopefully Edward would be able to keep his temper down and remain cool. My mind was left to wonder until about halfway through my cooking, Charlie waltzed into the room toward the refrigerator.

He grabbed a can of beer, opening it loudly. I could feel his eyes on me. "He seems better since the accident," my dad reprimanded casually. "Happier."

"He is," I commented back, keeping my eyes on the vegetables in the frying pan.

"I used to talk to Esme quite a bit when he first moved in with them. Heard this past year was incredibly hard on the kid."

I nodded, making a face at the vegetables. I wasn't sure where he was going with this. Nonetheless, I started looking for my window of opportunity to ask him. I promptly decided now was as good as any and that I might as well just spill the beans. Well, at least the spill-able ones. . .

"Dad," I cut him off, keeping my voice at ease. "I know it's probably asking a lot, but do you think Edward could stay here tonight? Like crash on the couch?"

He raised an incredulous eyebrow at me, clearly wanting me to go on. "You see, he's bipolar. And just recently found out. And Carlisle had thought sending him to a drug rehabilitation center in California would be the best way to solve that problem. . ." I wondered how to keep going with this. "New Beginnings, I'm not sure if you've heard of it before? Well, yeah. Esme sort of signed his release because she knew he had no reason for being in there because he was in there for over a month."

He listened tentatively, his face remaining expressionless and unbiased the entire time. He nodded, confirming he had heard what I said before I continued on.

"Carlisle came home today and started yelling at Edward, and Carlisle's been a real ass to him ever since the accident, and he basically kicked Edward out of the house. . ." I finished before taking a deep breath.

I got nervous when he didn't say anything at first, and started hedging in little comments here and there until he did. "Alice is coming home tomorrow and is going to try and talk Carlisle out of what ever his mindset is. . .And Edward's finally starting to try and take medication for his disorder and I really don't think he should be left alone. . ."

"Damn, Bells," he finally sighed, shaking his head. "A lot to take in in one day, don't you think? I mean, I had no idea you were little miss save the day." He chuckled, shaking his head once again. "I guess I'm not surprised. You always had a flair for fixing broken things."

All I could do was grimace and nod. "That's me, I guess."

He looked out the window absentmindedly. "Well, I'm sure we can make some sort of makeshift bed for him on the couch. That kid's been through enough and I don't see the point in making him go through more when there's no point in getting all huffy about any of this." I bit my lip very profusely, holding back a smile that was very difficult to retain. "Plus, he's not the only one that has to make a good first impression, is he?" he smiled.

I allowed myself to smile as well. "Thank you so much, Dad. You honestly have no idea how much this is going to mean to him. Thank you."

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, now here's where my parenting has to come in. Even though I'm sure Renee knows all about this already," he shot me a playfully angry glance before continuing, "As long as you stay up in your room and he stays down on the couch, I'll be content as a cucumber to be accommodating to the situation. Got it, Bells?"

I wasted no time in briskly nodding my head.

He slowly began making his way out of the room and back into the living room with an I'm sure anxious Edward. "Oh and Bells? One more thing."

I looked at him. He had an incredibly serious expression until the grim line of his mouth broke out into a grin. "That boy is goddamn lucky to have you, you know."

I instantly grinned back. "Oh, I know."

Edward didn't say much all that night; not at dinner, not to me, not to Charlie. Charlie didn't seem to mind or notice, however. I decided to just let him be for the time being. It was a lot to take in, I'm sure, and I had learned in the past to sometimes just let him be and to figure things out on his own. Him and I watched the game with Charlie until it ended. Once it was done, I figured it would be an okay time to sleep. I had to go to school tomorrow, after all. I wasn't sure exactly what Edward's plan was yet. Besides, he had missed the last month of school. Who was to say he was even enrolled anymore.

More things I wanted to talk about but decided not to. I knew Edward would surely appreciate the lack of the Spanish Inquisition for a change.

Once I made a makeshift bed I found suitable for him, I sighed as he laid down. He shot me a small smile. "Thanks, Bella. For everything. Like always."

I mustered a small smile back, nodding. "Still feeling alright?" I asked, biting my lip.

He glanced away from my face, and I wasn't sure if it was intentional. "Yeah," he responded absentmindedly.

I held back a grimace. "Well I gotta get up for school tomorrow morning, and I didn't think you were going, so I put some leftovers in the fridge from tonight. I won't wake you when I leave, I'll let you sleep in. You know if you need anything at all you can call me and I can come home. And tonight if you need anything at all, text me or come and knock on my door. Alice will be home tomorrow and is going to talk to Carlisle and figure things out, and then we can figure things out–" I hadn't realized I had been talking for so long until he got me off.

"Bella," he chuckled quietly. "Got it."

I took a deep breath. "I love you. Despite everything in your crazy life, I really do."

He smiled crookedly, a sight that relieved me to see. "Don't you mean _our _crazy life?"

I grinned back. "Our crazy life."

He closed his eyes with a smile, indicating that it was time for me to go to bed as well. "I love you, too."

I went upstairs, quick told Charlie thanks again for letting Edward stay, put on some sweats and an old t-shirt, and crawled into my bed. To say it was hard to fall asleep with Edward in the same house, a floor below me was an understatement. I had dealt with this problem before, many times in fact, but that was before we were together.

After about an hour of endless tossing and turning I somehow managed to find sleep.

I woke up in the morning, getting dressed and ready for school before I headed downstairs. Charlie had already left for work and Edward was still sound asleep on the couch. I couldn't help but take a few minutes out of my morning to appreciate the utter serenity his face held and the warmness it caused me to feel. That was what I loved most at the sight of Edward asleep. He looked peaceful and without a care in the world.

I was less than thrilled to go to school, knowing not Edward, Alice, Emmett, Jasper, or even Rosalie would be there. I would have skipped had I not so many times previously that year. My attendance was poorly lacking and I had to finish senior year strong. Not that my grades were much of a problem regardless.

I gave him a soft kiss on the head, brushing back a few strands of loose hair that had fallen over his face before leaving for school.

At around 11 I received a good morning text from him, letting me know he was awake. At 1 I received a text from Alice, letting me know she was home. I let her know I'd call her once school was out.

So when 3:12 finally rolled around, I dialed her number as I walked out to my truck. "Bella!" she answered breathlessly, and I had to laugh. Alice didn't do stress very well, so I decided this whole situation would be good for her in the end. "How are you? How's Edward? Where is Edward?"

"Charlie's letting him stay at my place for a little while. Down on the couch. He's fine, I think. . ." I trailed off. "How was the flight?"

"Does it matter?" I could hear the eye roll in her voice. "Well listen, Carlisle didn't stay home long enough for me to talk with him and he's not going to be back until way later tonight. Convenient, right?"

I frowned at the news about Carlisle. "We'll figure it out, Al. Thanks for all the help."

She groaned into the phone. "I swear to God, if you thank me one more time for any of this, I will castrate you. Which is possible even if you're a girl, by the way."

I had to laugh. Oh Alice. I had missed her.

"Goodbye, Alice," I smiled, shaking my head before closing my phone.

I got home to find Edward in the same spot I had left him, laying motionlessly on the couch. Only difference was that he was awake, staring blankly at the TV. He smiled when I walked in the door, surprising me by getting up and giving me a hug. I was bewildered by the tight grip he had around my body and the intensity he put behind it, knowing surely something had to be wrong.

"How was school?" he asked, pulling me down to sit with him on the couch.

"Fine," I responded quietly. "How was your day?"

"Fine," he echoed, grimacing. "Thanks for the leftovers, by the way. They were even better the second time around."

I smiled a little. Whatever was bothering him he was trying so hard to push back. And that effort was enough for me. For now. "Still feeling alright? With the medication and stuff?"

He nodded, and that was that.

School was less vacant the next day and a little more bearable now that Alice was back. We caught up about events in the last week. She told me about her paradise under the sunshine with Jasper and I showed her the necklace Edward had given me and explained how he had made it up to me at our second try and that I didn't need to rummage through her cabinets to find some more Plan B.

As for the whole Carlisle situation she explained things to me like this: "Edward's ban from the house is only temporary. As if even he would make Edward move out on his own. He can be a mean douchebag, but not _that_ kind of cruel. I'd say it's just a way to teach Edward a lesson. Is it the right way? Probably not. I have no idea how long he'll drag it out but me and Es will do everything we can to sway him."

I wanted so bad to tell her about Edward's medication, and how he had gotten on some all on his own, but I held back. It was Edward's news to tell, and he could tell anyone he wanted when he was ready.

That night Charlie asked me about how long I thought Edward would be staying. I had told him I wasn't sure, but that it couldn't have been too much longer. I knew he was starting to get wary about the whole situation so I said whatever I could to ease his discomfort. After all, Edward and I were behaving. No touching while Charlie was around – not that there was any at all when he wasn't there anyways, really – and we both remained in our designated beds both nights.

Edward had seemed more down in the dumps than usual that night, so I finally decided to intervene. "Are you sure you okay? You seem so torn."

He rolled his eyes, though not without a great deal of effort. "Yes, yes, yes I'm fine. Now shush and head to bed. Stop worrying so much."

Again, his words had me feeling uneasy. They weren't anything he would normally say. As if he could read these thoughts on my face, he reached for the back of my head, pulling my face down to his. I was treated with a very passionate, adoring kiss, one that knocked the breath out of me. When he was done, I couldn't remember what was wrong. I couldn't even remember my own name.

And that was exactly what he had been going for.

Going into day number four of Edward staying at my house, a pit in my stomach was growing bigger and bigger the longer he stayed. He was depressed, but it was a different kind of depressed than from his mood swings. I couldn't put my finger on as to how it was different, but it was.

Alice and I talked during school and she informed me yet again that she had no luck in finding an open window to talk to Carlisle. I had sighed. I wished Carlisle and I were on better terms. Edward could have really used him with the whole medication aspect. He was treading deep, foreign waters and all he really needed was someone who knew what they were talking about to help him through. As much as I hated to admit that about Carlisle.

As soon as I got home Wednesday he was just waking up from a nap. His hair was disorganized as ever and his face was beginning to get scruffy. With sad green eyes and a small hug he informed me that he was going to take a quick shower. I kissed him lightly on the cheek and nodded before sitting down in his spot, pulling out my few articles of homework.

It was raining outside. That kind of gray, dreary, miserable rain that had even the happiest of people feeling down. It thudding softly against the roof, and as sad as it may have been, was almost relaxing in a way.

I grew anxious to seem him after over a half hour had passed since he had left to shower. Another ten minutes went by before I decided to go and check on him.

The water wasn't running, so I knocked one the door, but received no answer.

I sighed sadly, twisting the handle to find the door to be unlocked. When I entered, I was weakened by the sight before me.

Edward sat in the corner of the room, resting head limply against the wall behind him. Tears were streaming from his closed eyes, and his lips moved rapidly in a murmur I could not hear until I moved closer. His whole body was motionless, and the quiet, shaky words he was producing over and over were: "Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop. . ."

I began feeling sick. I reached for whatever he had his hand wrapped around so tightly to find it to be an empty pill canister. I stumbled backwards a few feet, sinking down to the ground before I realized what was happening. Because Edward had had at least two more weeks left of pills for him to take in the container. And now, the container was completely empty.

Edward's eyes never opened, no matter how many times I pleaded for them to. I called his name out, over and over, but my voice sounded as if it were underwater. His chest rose and fell in a frenzy as his body began taking in what had been put into his system.

The medication had been misdiagnosed.

Edward had been so horribly misdiagnosed that it had pushed him to do this.

And all I could think about was the need for an ambulance if I was going to save his life.

* * *

_It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah_  
_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_  
-Hallelujah, Rufus Wainwright


	32. Over and Over

**I got to hear from so many new people last chapter, and I loved it. It's so hard for me to tell how many people are still reading the story so thank you to those who leave some love. And for those still reading the story. And for my neighbor outside my window who finally but his leaf blower away at 7 AM.**

**To answer a question some of you had about Edward's "misdiagnosis": Edward's bipolar wasn't misdiagnosed, the pills he was given for it were simply not the right type of medicine for him. He was feeling so much drastic pain from them that he simply OD'ed, wishing that pain to stop all together. If you have anymore questions about it, feel free to ask and I will happily answer.**

**WARNING: This chapter took so long because it was probably one of the hardest chapters I've ever had to write. It drained me. So hear's your angst over-load warning and my hopes that you'll bear with me for some happy moments to come. I promise they are coming.**

**This chapter goes out to the ones in Colorado who were affected by the shooting. My sincere prays are with you.**

* * *

The moment I got off the phone with 911 my phone dropped noisily to the ground, followed by a loud, ripping sob crashing through my body. I stroked his hair, I held his face, but he never opened his eyes. I begged him to stay with me, to keep fighting.

All of this could have been so easily avoided.

Edward's behavior from the past few days made all the sense in the world the moment I saw his intake of pills. He had OD'ed. He did so, because he didn't want to be alive. It was as simple as that. And somewhere in the back of my mind I had always feared this to be an outcome. As flighty as he was and with the drastic lows of his disorder, I suppose this moment didn't come as big of a surprise as it should have.

The medication that had been prescribed to Edward had been incorrect. Whether it was the frequency of taking it, the side effects it gave him, or simply that it just wasn't suited to what Edward needed, it had caused him to lose himself completely.

Angry tears, replacing the scared ones, quickly began to cloud my vision. Had Carlisle just swallowed his goddamn pride, I wouldn't have been lying on the bathroom floor next to a broken boy who was almost comatose. Or worse. I should have known the medication was too good to be true. With something like that, it takes a lot of time and a lot of help to figure out what the patient needs. And the pills were clearly making him so low that by simply taking all of them at once, he knew eventually his suffering would be put to an end.

And there we laid.

For what seemed like hours.

I knew I should have called someone. I knew I should have done something. But this was beyond me, and I was too paralyzed with fear to know what to do. Because sometimes, you simply just couldn't win on your own.

Eventually, through the rain on the roof, the faint sound of sirens sounded in the distance.

Edward's body suddenly became still. Panicked, I immediately checked to find his pulse, which he did still have. It was weak, faint, and fading. But it was there. Downstairs I heard the sound of the paramedics running through the front door. I shook Edward, begging for him to wake up.

But he wasn't sleeping, and if they didn't hurry, he would never _wake up_.

Everything happened in a blur of slow motion.

I began thrashing as a pair of arms pulled me away from Edward. They pulled me down the stairs and through the open door and rain soon fell quickly over my face. Before I knew it, I was being sat down in the back of an ambulance watching as four men carried Edward out of the house on a stretcher. His eyes were still closed.

Sirens began blaring yet again as the six of us gathered in the back and we sped away from my house. My entire body trembled and one of the paramedics tried everything they could to calm me down. I watched as they hooked Edward up to an IV and placed an oxygen mask over his face.

I suddenly closed my eyes, because I couldn't watch this anymore. I dragged my legs up to my body, hugging my knees tightly to my chest as I buried my face in them. I was surely nearly to the point of blacking out. Over the course of meeting Edward, I had developed an incredibly high anxiety. And right now, my panic attack was full on taking over my body.

After a lifetime, the sirens stopped and the truck came to an abrupt stop. Edward was suddenly being rushed out of the vehicle and the paramedic trying to comfort me from before was guiding me quickly behind them. He held me up for support and dragged me into the building.

I didn't know what was happening until I was being sat down in one of the chairs in the waiting room. The paramedics voice sounded as if he were underwater. I could barely hear what he was saying to me. "Are you going to be alright? He's being taken into emergency care. They will get him back to normal. Is there anyone you could call?"

_They will get him back to normal._

_ They will get him back to normal._

_ They will get him back to normal._

Back to normal. Normal in who's standards? Edward wasn't normal. Edward couldn't be normal. All I did was nod my head and close my eyes and try and wish away this nightmare of a situation. When I opened my eyes back up, the paramedic was gone.

I wondered idly if I'd see Carlisle. Would anyone inform him of Edward's presence in the building? Would he come and check on him? Would he even know or care that Edward was here? I couldn't find it in me to reach for my phone. I didn't know what to say to whoever I called. I couldn't function properly.

It wasn't long before a different paramedic was standing before me. I wiped away the water from my wet eyes though it did no good. "Edward's stomach is being pumped currently. Transfusions are also being done to get the amount of dosage completely out of his system." Everything was said matter-of-fact, with no emotion. "Then he will be moved to the psych ward due to his attempt of suicide."

I didn't respond, or move, so he walked back to where he came from. The psych ward. Edward wasn't crazy. Edward knew he was a lot of things, but Edward knew he wasn't crazy. This would kill him. If the overdose hadn't already.

I reached for my phone, suddenly needing to no longer be alone. I called Alice. I called her three times, but never did she answer. I pondered momentarily before dialing the number of Emmett's cell. "Hello? Bella?" he answered, confused.

I rubbed my nose, sniffing before I spoke. And then, it all rushed out of me like a gust of wind. "Emmett, I'm at the hospital. I left Edward alone to take a shower and he didn't come back down after a while so I went to check on him and Edward overdosed. Edward tried to kill himself."

There was an incredibly long pause on the other line. "Shit, I, uh, I'll be right there." His voice cracked and the line went dead.

I shut my eyes, but I did not sleep. I let my head fall back on my chair, my face toward the ceiling. I let my body shut down, and I did not open them back up until I heard my name called from a distance. The flashed open in time to see Emmett jogging across the room. I stood up, though my legs were weak, just in time to brace myself for his form to come crashing into me. He hugged me tightly because he knew he was holding me together just a little longer. Maybe he even needed it himself.

When he finally let go, I sunk back down into my chair and he did the same in the one next to me. He gave me a serious look, pushing away the nervousness in his eyes. "How are you holding out, Bells?"

I couldn't answer. I closed my eyes and momentarily shook my head.

"He will be alright," he responded slowly. His voice was unsteady.

I felt the hot tears begin to form in my eyes once more. "I know that," my voice cracked as I felt them sliding down my cheeks. I looked up at him. "But you didn't see him, Em. You don't. . .I don't. . .What about next time?" I choked out.

"There won't _be _a next time, Bells, because he has a support system now. He has me, he has Esme, he has Alice and. . .he has you." He did not mention Carlisle, rightfully so. "And besides, he's a tough guy. My brother won't give up without a fight."

I closed my eyes once more, his words causing my heart to ache painfully. He didn't no Edward anymore. He didn't understand him like he once had. Edward _had_ fought. He had fought until there was no fight left in him. And then, when he couldn't fight any longer, he gave up. That's what he didn't understand. Edward was done fighting.

I said nothing more, and neither did Emmett. We sat in silence as the world moved around us. I buried my face in my knees and Emmett was as on edge as Edward was on marijuana. He couldn't sit still. People came and went, patients checked in and checked out. It seemed as if hours and passed until the same paramedic came out to find me.

"Edward is doing better. He's on fluids now to get his body back to normal and since he's not resting, he's allowed one visitor for the time being."

I found myself shaking my head before he could finish talking. He raised a confused eyebrow, but I just kept shaking it in a frantic no. Emmett seemed as bewildered as the paramedic. "I can't," I whispered. It came out of my mouth several times. Because I couldn't.

There was a long pause between the three of us. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Emmett stand up. He exhaled loudly, rubbing his hands over his face. "I'll go," he volunteered.

"And you are?" the paramedic question.

In a sure, steady voice, Emmett responded. "I'm his brother."

He was led away without another word.

A part of me felt guilty. Edward needed me right now. He needed to see my face and to hear my voice. He needed closure; closure I could not give him right now. I wasn't strong enough to seem him right now. I couldn't bear the pain held in his eyes. I couldn't see him like this. I didn't know what to say – what was the right thing, what was the wrong thing. I was too shaken up. I simply wasn't strong enough.

This wasn't my fault. I was not about to torture myself into thinking that. I could have blamed it on my lack of intuition, or failure to pay more attention, or my idea of letting him be, or my sense of what was right for him. I could have, but why would I do that to myself? I wasn't a masochist, and I knew better than to put myself through anything I wasn't strong enough to handle. Like the blame for Edward's suicide attempt.

There were so many attributes behind it. So many factors. A part of me even wanted to believe that I had prolonged this from happening from much, much earlier. I didn't have it in me to carry the burden of believing it was my fault.

The minutes ticked by on the clock and I wished to know the conversation the two brothers were sharing. I wanted to know how Edward was feeling, what he was thinking, how he was reacting. But I couldn't find out myself, because I couldn't bring myself to find out.

Once I went in there, all I would do is cry. And cry. And cry some more. And that would be counterproductive for all aspects of this situation. I kept convincing myself that I would be hurting him by allowing him to see my reaction to all of this, but a part of me knew I was wrong about that. I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

After about ten minutes, the door to the waiting room flew open and in came a frantic Esme. Her eyes searched wildly around the room until they finally met mine. She practically ran across the room, her eyes red and her cheeks tear-stained. I wasn't sure I could face Esme of all people about this right now. Her reaction would surely be the most heartbreaking to see.

And I was right.

Her eyes were frantic with worry, tainted with sorrow. "It's all our fault," she choked. "We failed him. We were suppose to take him in and be his family and we left him in darkness." She wasn't necessarily talking to me for the sake of me hearing her words, but for the words to simply just be out of her system. "We pushed him to this because he was all alone." Tears filled her eyes once more. "Bella, I came here because I couldn't stand the thought of Edward being alone anymore. I needed you to know that we fucked this all up with him, and that this is gonna haunt me for the rest of my life."

I flinched at her words, especially the profanity aspect. But she had it all wrong. Sure, she was the one married to Carlisle. But I knew Carlisle. And I knew how difficult he was to sway, and that in everything he did to Edward's mental-state, there wasn't really anything Esme could have done to help. I wish she saw that, but she was doing the same thing I was trying not to. Blame herself. And I slowly began seeing how easy that was becoming for the rest of his family.

Words escaped me, and I didn't know what to respond. "He's alright," was all I could say over and over. "He's okay now."

Esme said nothing more and another ten minutes passed. Though not tired, my eyes fell shut. It somehow felt easier to deal with when I didn't actually have to see the world around me. Esme soon broke the silence. "I'm sure the last thing that boy needs is bombardment from me. I can say my sorry's when I come home. You'll tell him I came, won't you?" Her face was so torn. "You'll tell him I love him?"

Keeping my eyes closed, I nodded. "Of course, Esme," I whispered. I didn't have to look to know that she had silently exited the room. I couldn't imagine being in her position. She didn't have a clue as to what to do and I don't think anyone had the answer for her, not even Edward. I understood why she left, and didn't think badly of her for doing so. Though I did wonder idly why I had yet to hear from Alice. Though that was about the only coherent thought I was able to have.

Another ten minutes must have passed before I heard the faint sound of someone approaching. I fluttered my eyelids open to find Emmett standing before me. Something about his presence suddenly urged me to stand up. Before I was all the way to my feet, I was being engulfed in what was perhaps the tightest hug I'd ever been in. Bewildered, broken, and hopeless, I squeezed my eyes shut, willing myself to hug him back.

I looked at his eyes when he finally pulled away, knowing they had been different the moment he had walked back into the waiting room. They were red and puffy and Emmett Cullen had been crying.

And the sight literally crushed every little ounce of hope I had left in my system.

Because Emmett and Edward had finally, once again, seen eye to eye as brothers. I don't know what had took place in their conversation, but I did know that it had done drastic changes to their broken relationship. The heartbreaking part was that it took Edward to almost take _his_ life for it to happen.

And back into my dark hole I went.

And as Emmett gave me a small, sad smile and left, I stayed there, closing my eyes willing myself not to resurface.

I felt people come and go around me, listened the faint sound of the local radio station in the receptionists office change from one song to another, felt my body grow weaker and weaker as I sat in that chair as if it were my life raft. What was Edward thinking right now? Why didn't I know? Why wasn't I with him?

I felt a tap on my shoulder and was met by a grim expression from Alice. I was pulled into another immeasurably long hug before she plopped herself down next to me. I hadn't noticed it before but she had had her hands full of pillows, a blanket, a mini duffel bag amongst many other things. Her eyes were watery and resembled the way Emmett's had looked. I could only imagine the sight of mine, and by the looks of Alice's face, weren't what I wanted to see in the mirror.

She didn't ask me what happened, or how I was feeling, or how Edward was, simply because she already knew. And even if she didn't, she probably had some pretty good guesses. She wasn't here to play twenty questions and pick me or Edward apart, she was here to be my best friend; to be there for me, whether I wanted it or not, just so I wasn't alone.

Another nurse came over to me after a while, offering a visit to see my Edward. I shook my head in a quick motion, sinking my head further towards the ground. She asked Alice the same thing and bewildered from my answer, Alice shook her head no as well.

I felt Alice's questioning eyes on me and I sighed, rubbing my eyes before closing them. "I can't, Al. I can't. I can't do it."

She nodded, rubbing her hand on my back. I realized this was incredibly hard on Alice as well as it was on Emmett. They weren't brother and sister, but the relationship they had before the accident sounded as if they had been. Alice had missed his smile much like I had tried to shorten its absence. Though she had tried not to be too wistful, she had noticed the progress Edward had been making. And much like for me, it was heartbreaking to see it all come apart like this.

I idly reminded myself why my answer to see him remained no.

I couldn't go in there. I couldn't see him like that. Because if I did I would shatter. I would cry and cry and Edward didn't need to see me like that. He didn't need to know how broken his actions had left me. On top of everything he was feeling, he didn't need to feel that too.

At some point Charlie came to the hospital to check on me. It must have been later in the evening because he came with his uniform on and everything, just getting off of work. He gave me an awkward hug, due to my sitting down position.

"Hey, kiddo, you hanging in there?"

I met his eyes which was a mistake. I rapidly blinked back the tears from the genuine concern in his expression and bit my lip, nodding.

Everyone but Esme seemed to be avoiding any sort of conversation mentioning Edward, only asking about my well-being. I loved it, and I hated it. I wasn't the one in the psych ward, Edward was. I wasn't the suicidal one, Edward was. Thinking about it, I practically choked on that word.

_Suicidal_.

Edward wasn't suicidal.

He couldn't be.

And a part of me just wished everyone would stop walking on eggshells around me. Miraculously, it was as if Charlie read that on my face. "Bella, the kid's okay. He has to be, he has you. Like you said, he was trying a new medication and it would have been irresponsible to let him be on his own. You were right, and I'm so damn proud of you, baby. You're that boy's lifesaver and he knows that. Don't worry, he always will."

Hot tears streamed down my cheeks as I looked away. "Thanks, Dad," I whispered.

"I came to make sure you were alright, Bella. By the looks of it, you're in pretty capable hands," he flashed Alice a small grin before his attention turned back to me. His face grew serious. "Bella, if there's _anything_ you need, you or Alice, call me. Let me know. I'm heading home now and I'll call you in the morning. I love you."

I cracked the smallest of smiles. "Love you too."

I turned to Alice who's somber face was directed to the screen of her laptop. "He's in the psych ward tonight," I informed her quietly. She stopped what she was doing and look at me. "Even though he's not crazy. . ."

Though I could see the pain in Alice's eyes from this new information, she tried to hide it away with a small, joking smile. "Well at least he can see all the crazy people and know that he's at least kinda normal, right?"

I really did try to smile, but it came out all funny and wrong, and before I knew it I was closing my eyes again, burying them in my knees and wishing away the world.

The hours crept by. At one point Alice put her laptop away and pulled me with her to one of the couches in the corner of the room. She handed me a pillow and begged me to try and sleep. Even though she was having just as hard of a time I was falling asleep, she hid it a lot better. She remained in the same spot, her eyes shut, and her breathing calm. I, however, was restless. I tossed and I turned on that uncomfortable piece of furniture with my mind in a million places and my heart's struggle to stay together. A times in the night I managed to doze off for a short period of time but I was always left wondering if Edward was asleep that very moment, or if he was struggling as much as I was to find peace.

We were one of the only ones in the room as morning crept through the windows. The people who had come were long gone by now and the faces that entered as the sun grew higher in the sky were only a blur.

Alice sat awake next to me, staring at the space before her with a blank expression. Her eyes were lifeless, and seeing them on her delicate face scared me. A nurse walked by us and Alice's voice pulled me out of my trance. "Excuse me, Miss?" she stopped the nurse. "What's the date today?"

"February 21st," she answered, smiling before walking away.

I watched as Alice's face became miles away and her blank stare became much more intense. Her hands were shaking, and as her face finally turned to meet mine, tears clouded her vision.

"Bella, today is the one year anniversary. Today, last year, was the day of the accident."

* * *

_It's a small crime,  
__And I've got no excuse_

_That alright? Yeah_  
_Give my gun away when it's loaded_  
_That alright? Yeah_  
_If you don't shoot it how I'm suppose to hold it?_  
_That alright? That alright?_  
_With you  
_-9 Crimes, Damien Rice

**Thoughts? Opinions? Heartfails? I wanna hear it all.**


	33. Alive

**I'm so sorry to everyone who I've kept waiting, and I just want you to know that I have full intentions of finishing the story. After this chapter there are two chapters left, plus an epilogue. I can promise you that I will try my hardest to have these chapters out as soon as I possible can.**

**To everyone still reading: You mean the world to me, and to everyone who has reviewed the past couple chapters, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Even though I haven't had the chance to tell you personally, I have read your words over and over again and they truly are what motivate me on my journey of finishing this. Not only that, but I appreciate you for the immense amount of patience and faith you have in me. Words can't ever explain.**

* * *

I should have been surprised about the coincidence of today's date, but I wasn't. Rarely anything of that magnitude surprised me lately. Because as it appeared, all the odds were stacked against Edward, and there were no cards in his favor.

It was silly to think that Edward wouldn't be aware of today's date. As much as I hoped he was oblivious to the calender, I knew he knew. He had to. Because this was the day, exactly one year ago, in which he had broken and become the remains of the boy he was now. Although an immense amount of light had been lit in his dark world, it appeared as though we were back to square one. To the very first day I met him. And I'd be damned if I let that be the case.

He had come too far to just lose it all in a day. I wouldn't let that happen twice.

I remember Alice telling me about the accident. How Edward had been in a coma for over a week after, and I couldn't imagine after over a week of silence and nonexistence, waking up to the news he had been given. If only he had woken up with no memory at all. At least he would have had a clean slate. At least he would have had a fresh start.

My mental-state was exhausted. I could hardly keep my eyes open at all anymore simply because of the burden my thoughts were giving me. My mind felt like it wanted to shut down and I didn't mind if it did. The weight of my body felt heavy and the noises around me seemed gone all together. And I wondered for how much longer it would all last. As it seemed, Edward's pain was my pain. And that pain was starting to take a toll on me.

Carlisle Cullen walked through the doors with infinite purpose. He walked with his jaw tight, his chin straightened, and his eyes focused only on the path before him. Alice and I both sat up and watched as he walked by. Whether he didn't acknowledge us because he didn't see us or because he chose not to, I wasn't sure. He just kept walking, fast and brisk.

In her somber state, Alice held back from gaining his attention and greeting him.

A part of me still wanted to blame the whole thing on him. The entire thing. Even though only a portion of it was his fault, though a big portion, rationally I knew the blame couldn't fall solely on his shoulders alone.

"I know I'm not much for company, but thanks for being here, Al," I tilted my head towards her, resting it on my shoulder.

"Thanks for saving _him_," she responded simply. "Thanks for being there for him when no one else was able to be there."

Her words caused me to stand up. "I'll be right back," I told her absentmindedly as I began walking in the direction Carlisle had gone.

I vaguely remember one of the nurses giving me Edward's room number and location. Alice's words had sparked something in me. _For being there for him when no one else was able to be there_. Now everyone else was able to be there and I wasn't. The irony was painful, and it made me realize that despite all the conflicts I had with seeing him, I needed to take a deep breath and just do it. I had to live up to the savior name everyone had so wrongly bestowed on me.

The psych ward was a frightening place. The atmosphere it carried had chills running up my spine and as I walked passed patient upon patient of different conditions, I realized that this absolutely was not the place Edward needed to be. The walls were white, the doors leading to the rooms open revealed nothing but white. I despised it.

As I walked, I looked to my left. There was a boy in a room who's face was covered in ink by a tattoo of a skeleton's face, replacing his own. I continued walking and to my right, there was a girl in a room, about twenty years of age, clutching onto a doll with pins throughout its body and bandages on its face. Its eyes were colored black, and red marker representing blood dripped from them.

The people who were here. . .were here because they belonged here. Edward didn't belong here. And that was a fact my mind kept screaming to me over and over.

I eventually reached his room, standing in front of the closed door. There were no windows, and I could not see inside.

Carlisle had to be in there, so I restrained myself from knocking. I sat down in the hallway, my back leaning against the wall facing his blank door. After a few minutes, I stood back up and continued to lean against the wall. Some more time passed and I began pacing back and forth, taking five large steps before turning around and retracing my steps. Over and over and over. Before I knew it, I was sitting down again, only this time my head was leaning on the wall right next to the door, wondering when it would open.

Eventually, it did. Carlisle stepped out, not noticing me at first before shutting the door behind him. His face was torn, and when it finally met mine, I actually felt bad for him. I thought he was going to say something. For a long time he stood there and I was _sure_ he was going to say something. But he never did. After blinking once more, he walked away.

And there I sat.

And sat.

At some point I moved across the hallway so I was again sitting facing the door. I wasn't sure what I was doing there. Why couldn't I just get up and open the door? It was like the muscles in my body wouldn't let me, and I stayed there, anchored to the ground.

I'm not sure how long I sat there before the handle to the door turned and the door was slowly pushed open.

I panicked.

Before I could look at him, my eyes shot to the floor and stayed there as if my life depended on it. I heard a loud sigh, and felt his presence as he slowly sank down onto the floor next to me. He wasn't close enough so that we were touching, but he was close enough for me to hear the steadiness of his breathing.

"Hey," he finally exhaled.

I waited for my heart rate to settle down. "Hey," I breathed.

There was a long pause before he spoke again. "How are you?"

My voice was shaky, and my eyes were still directed at the ground. "It's a lot to take in."

He chuckled softly. "That's what she said."

My eyes widened and my mouth formed the shape of a large 'O' as I gawked at his statement, trying to hold in a shocked expression while I slapped him lightly on the chest. His eyes were warm and I melted into them before I even realized they were what I was looking at. He was smiling, but the line of his mouth faltered as I quickly looked away.

"I'm sorry," he apologized in a soft voice. "I just had to see your smile and make sure it was still there and that I hadn't completely destroyed it this time." I couldn't help but glance at him just in time to catch his sad smile.

My heart pounded in my chest. I didn't know what to think. My eyes continued to study the white tiles. I felt Edward's on me, I just didn't have it in me to look. Another long moment went by in silence before Edward sighed.

"Please look at me. I can handle the silence just fine, I just need to know you can still stand to see my face. Please just fucking look at me," he begged desperately.

I did. My vision became blurry. Flustered, my hands rubbed rapidly at my eyes as I furiously tried to remove my tears. His hand reached out, grabbing one of mine and stopping it. "If you wanna cry, please just cry, baby. Don't hold it in for my sake."

And so I did. I threw my arms around him, burying my face in the crook of his neck as I cried and he held me.

Because he was alive.

Edward said few words as he held me, rubbing his hand up and down my back. "It's okay," he would occasionally whisper into my hair. "Everything's okay, Bella."

And slowly but surely, I began grasping that as my reality.

Before I knew what was happening he was lifting me up and carrying me into his room, closing the door behind us so that we were no longer in the hallway. I didn't bother taking in the detail of the room, for it was all white. Blank. Empty. I wiped my eyes dry as he set me down on the bed while he sat down in the chair next to it. He took hold of my hand, tracing his thumb in slow circles around the palm of my hand.

"You know, I wasn't sure when I was going to see you. . ."

"I've been here the whole time," I told him quietly. "In the waiting room. I didn't want to hurt you by seeing me. I didn't know if I would be able to handle seeing you. . ."

He wiped away a stray tear that had fallen and smiled sadly at me. "You don't always have to be so brave, you know."

I nodded grimly before lowering my gaze back to the ground. "Neither do you, Edward."

He sighed and out of the corner of my eye I saw him run his hand through his hair in frustration.

"God, see though that's the thing. _I'm not_. That's the whole fucking reason I'm here. Fuck, talking to you has given me really the first coherent thought I've been able to have since my system was completely clean." I saw him shake his head. "I should have told you how it was making me feel. I should have told you when you asked what was wrong, but I couldn't, because I didn't want to let you down. I wanted to prove that I could do this one thing. And instead I fucked up so beyond repair. . ."

"Nothing's broken," I told him quietly. "Nothing needs to be repaired."

He waited to speak until my eyes met his. "There are literally no words to explain what was running through my mind, Bella." His expression was serious, and the pain did not escape my notice as he recalled the memory. "It was worse than anything I've ever felt, times ten."

I closed my eyes nodding, hoping he wouldn't explain further. I got the picture.

I changed the subject. "What did Carlisle say to you just now?" Though I wasn't sure I wanted the answer to that question.

He smiled sadly. "A late apology."

"For?"

His voice was quiet, and I knew the conversation they had just had was still processing in his head. "Not apologizing sooner, I guess." He paused for a long moment before sighing. "I didn't really know what to say when he was talking, I mean he kinda just laid everything out there. Like his words would suddenly making everything all fucking better."

Carlisle had finally owned up to his actions, and that fact alone had me stunned into silence.

"He said everything was his fault. I'm glad it took for my almost funeral for him to realize that."

I winced at his casual mention of his death. And although I didn't disagree with him, I had learned from the very first moment I met Edward that progress was progress. And Carlisle owning up to his bullshit was most definitely one of the biggest forms of progress I had seen so far.

"I guess something was set right from all of this. . ." he said quietly. He ran a hand slowly through his tangled hair.

I dropped my gaze to the ground. Realization kept setting in as to where we were and why we were there and my heart only clenched further the longer I sat there with him. He waited for me to respond, but I never did.

"Bella, I swear to you, for the rest of my life I'm going to make it up to you. You shouldn't have had to go through all this shit because of me. Baby, I never meant to hurt you." He took my hand tightly in his and his voice grew soft and sincere. "I love you."

And as I stared into his eyes, the feelings came back, crashing down on me. Everything felt surreal. Shocked, empty, distraught, emotionally drained, I had reached the end of my rope. I cared so much, but right now, I couldn't help him. I didn't have anything left in me to give.

"You saved my life," he whispered, his voice bewildered.

I had to be strong for him. I couldn't give up now. Because even though I had nothing left in me, I had to keep giving. Because I knew in that moment that his life depended on it.

So I got up and hugged him. I hugged him for a long time, and I hugged him like he would disappear if I were to let go. I hugged him with so much force that my arms eventually grew too tired to hold him any tighter. But I still held him.

And he held me back. And I didn't want to ever think about yesterday again.

And I prayed he wouldn't think about the awful day one year ago that started this mess.

I didn't say anything more.

I left after that. Not the hospital, just his room. My movements, my thoughts, my mentality. . .it was all robotic. It was as if I _wasn't_ me. I saw Edward, he was okay, he was sorry. But I wasn't okay. I couldn't wrap my head around everything. I was in shock.

Still.

I worried the shock would never fully set in and I would be stuck like this forever. He was okay. _He was okay_. I couldn't grasp it because it wasn't true. Physically he was okay, but mentally would he _ever_ be okay?

It was late. My stomach was so hungry it might have been eating itself even. I walked out to the waiting room to find Alice. She had been sleeping earlier that day so was not asleep now. As I approached her, she looked up from her book. I didn't say anything about Edward and she didn't ask. I sighed heavily, allowing some of the weight to release itself from my shoulders. "I'm sure we can manage to find some means of food around here."

I had been fidgeting with my nails up until this point. I had chewed them so down to the bit that the truth was, there was nothing left to fidget with. I looked at Esme before I looked at him. She was walking with a grateful expression though her eyes still had an immense amount of sorrow. Edward was not her son, but she took all the responsibility as if he was. She walked next to him, matching the pace he chose to set.

His eyes were on the ground. He was wearing the same thing he had been at my house two days ago. It seemed like ages ago, really. Alice had left an hour ago, taking both my things and hers with her. I hadn't seen Edward since our conversation in his hospital room yesterday. Esme insisted on checking him out while I volunteered to drive him home.

I couldn't hide from him forever.

I stood there as they approached me; Edward never removing his eyes from the floor until Esme came to a stop a few feet from me. He slowly raised his gaze to mine, but I quickly shot my eyes away. Esme smiled sadly at me, resting her hand on my shoulder for a moment before turning to walk away. It was then I moved my gaze back to Edward's.

"Let's go home," he said quietly. And that was that.

My truck roared to life and before Edward could say anything I pulled out my phone. Dialing my dad's number, I held it up to the ear with one hand while the other remained on the wheel. He eventually answered.

"Dad," I told him. "We're leaving the hospital now. I'm bringing Edward back to his house."

"You sure you're okay, Bells?" he asked seriously.

I swallowed loudly. "Yeah."

"Look, I'm gonna be at the office late tonight. Why don't you just stay with Alice. You've been through a lot and frankly I you're an adult now and I trust you to do whatever you think you need to. Just please, eat some food. Get some sleep. Take care of yourself, Bells. And I'll see you tomorrow."

"Love you, Dad," I whispered before the line went dead.

Edward's voice was quiet. "I don't deserve your dad's kindness. I've done no good to you, or for you." I didn't respond. He sighed sadly. "I'll do whatever you need. If you want to talk about it more, we can talk about it more. If you don't want to talk, we don't have to talk. If you want me to leave you alone, I will leave you alone. I owe you my life, Bella, and I'll go with whatever you wanna do."

I closed my eyes for a brief moment before I remembered that I was driving. He was so sincere. He was so desperate. "It's done. It's in the past. We don't need to dwell on it. We're moving forward."

"Oh, Bella you don't understand how glad I a–"

"We're not going to pretend it never happened," I interrupted him. "I'm just done talking about it. I can't think about it anymore."

Edward and I watched movies in their basement all day, in our own small bubble. I rested my head on his chest while he held me tightly, occasionally placing soft kisses on the my forehead. Everyone left us alone, even Seth. Neither of us said anything, but I preferred it that way.

A part of me listened to what was going on on the screen while the other part of me kept what little focus I had left on the steady sound that was Edward's heartbeat. At some point during our fourth movie, I fell asleep.

It was that deep kind of sleep, the kind I had not gotten in over a month. I don't know how long I was asleep, or what time was it when I woke up, but when I woke up it was gone. The thumping, I could no longer hear it. I opened my eyes to darkness and no Edward. It took me a few seconds before I realized I was laying in Edward's bed, no longer in the basement. I glanced at the time on the clock and it read 5:00 PM. I began panicking. I had slept for seventeen hours straight, how did that happen? What would Charlie think? I immediately began reaching around for my phone before I realized I had left it down stairs.

As I crawled out of his bed, I listened for noises, but the house was quiet. Where was Edward? I walked down the winding staircase, stopping at the bottom as I listened for anyone. I heard noises coming from the kitchen, so I followed them.

My heart stopped as I stood in the open doorway. Edward's back was facing me. He was in the middle of lighting a candle on the middle of the table I was assuming he had set. There were rose pedals spread across the table, and I began paying attention to what I was smelling. It was rich, creamy. It was my favorite meal. Edward was cooking homemade mushroom ravioli and it smelled like heaven. I watched him in awe, the way we gracefully moved around, preparing both the table and the meal.

He noticed me the second he turned around and his face fell. "Shit," he sighed sadly. "There goes that surprise."

I smiled, and the feeling was almost foreign to my facial muscles. "I'm still surprised," I told him softly.

He slowly took a few steps towards me, setting down the lighter in his hands. "Hi sleepy girl," he smiled. "You look like you slept well."

"Where is everyone?" I whispered.

"Carlisle and Esme took Seth to a movie and dinner in Port Angeles, Emmett is at Rosalie's for the night, and Alice is at Jasper's." His voice was so soft, so. . .seductive. The candlelight did wonders to his eyes and I found myself drawn to him.

Wordless I reached up, wrapping my hand around the back of his neck and gently pulling his face down to mine. Our lips touched, as light as a feather. And once more. And then Edward slowly constricted his arms around me and pulled me close into him. His lips were gentle, but so passionate that it took my breath away. Literally.

I melted into him.

He was mine, and I was his.

The next week was all about falling back into a normal routine. Normal. I scoffed at that word. What _was_ normal for me? For Edward? He began going back to school. Not just some classes, every class. Not just some days, every day. He insisted on sitting at our lunch table; though he didn't say anything, he would smile and laugh at conversations had and comments made.

In the Cullen household, things were better, but there was still a sense of intensity in the air. Alice was Alice, trying her best to never push on too much effort towards Edward and I knew he was appreciating it. Emmett and Edward began talking more. They began playing video games together, and I could tell it made Emmett so hopeful for what was to come that it almost worried me. It worried Edward too because he didn't want to disappoint anyone. Esme was trying to give Edward space like usual while still trying to be so positive about the entire situation. Carlisle said little to anyone, surprising no one.

I began trying to distract my thoughts from anything negative by keeping my focus on possibilities of the future. I was frustrated with myself for being so busy with Edward that I had failed to be busy with college; I made a pact to myself to finish at least five applications by the end of the weekend before I allowed myself to see Edward. When I had mentioned college to him, he simply asked for the five places I was applying and said no more. I might have been putting too much faith in him by thinking he too was filling out those five applications, but he always seemed to surprise me. I guess I would find out later.

As hard as I tried to keep my mind occupied on other thoughts, it still lingered on the tragedy of last week. Not so much that I was dwelling on what had happened, but I was dwelling on what _could _happen next. What happened if Edward tried medication again? It was such a dark place that I couldn't afford for him to go there again. I had researched all of the horror stories that went along with starting new medication. Hell, I had _lived_ one.

I was stuck though, because I wanted Edward to have help, but I didn't like the options I had for him to get it. I could only do so much for him, after all. He needed more than just my support. I was just so scared of any future possibilities of medication. . .

It had been going too well lately that I was hardly surprised when I found myself in the path of Edward's anger.

Well, not directly in the path. It was Mike who was on the receiving end of it. Edward's jealous reaction was normal at first, but because of him being bipolar, it opened up a whole new set of floodgates. I had to remember and keep telling myself that it wasn't his fault, that he couldn't control it. One minute he was fine, the next minute his rational amount of irritation turned into an irrational amount of fury.

"Bella are you fucking kidding me? _This _guy?" he shouted in my face before getting back into Mike's. School had just ended, and we were out in the parking lot near Edward's Volvo.

"Edward, calm the hell down. I was just asking for her number so she could send me the math assignment I'm going to miss tomorrow when I'm gone. What is your problem?" Mike was trying to be tough, but the truth was, he was scared out of his mind. I didn't blame him, Edward could get pretty scary.

"No. You fucking asking somebody else, not Bella," Edward sneered.

I stepped in front of him, putting a hand on his chest. "Edward, please," I begged. "Be rational, it's okay. Just breathe. Let's go."

"Yeah, listen to your mom," Mike tried to joke in a shaky voice.

I had to stop myself from placing my face in my palm. _Mike_, I sighed internally. _I really can't stop him when you're asking for it_. I had to get Edward out of there though. He was only going to get worse unless I removed him from the situation.

Edward's teeth clenched together, reminding me of the situation with James. "Edward," I begged. "_Please, _let's go."

He glared daggers at me before directing his stare back to Mike. Although this was nothing new and this was something I would need to be patient about, it still hurt. "Get out of my way," he growled at me. "Move your fucking ass, Bella, or I will hurt you."

"Try it, you asshole," Mike challenged him.

This was ridiculous. Trying not to let it get to me though failing at the same time, I stormed away towards Edward's car. I hoped he would follow and if he didn't, was ready to call Alice and have her bring me home. I didn't want to be anywhere near him when he was like this. I wasn't strong enough to be at the point where his anger didn't phase me. It still hurt, and I wouldn't hurt myself by being around him until he had a handle on things.

I sat in his car for five minutes until the driver's door opened and he sat down. He didn't start the car or say anything for a long while. His breathing was heavy and his frustration was evident. He wasn't frustrated with me though, or even Mike.

He was frustrated with himself.

He finally started the car before sighing. "I don't wanna act like this. I don't wanna fucking _be _this." There was another long pause. "I want to try medication again."

* * *

_Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable_  
_And life's like an hour glass glued to the table_  
_No one can find the rewind button, girl_  
_So cradle your head in your hands_  
_And breathe, just breathe_  
_Oh breathe, just breathe_

-Breathe, Anna Nalick

**Thoughts? I miss you guys.**


	34. Hate Me

**So overwhelmed and blessed with all your support and love. You guys haven't let me down so I'm going to try so hard not to let you down with these last few chapters of MAB. There's one more chapter left after this, then the epilogue. If I haven't heard from you yet, don't be shy. I want to meet everyone before the journey ends. :)**

**A few of you asked for a briefer on the story (I don't blame you, I fail so bad) so I'll give you one.**

_**Edward gets shipped away to California the morning after Bella and him have sex for the first time. The rehab program doesn't allow for any communication with outsiders that aren't family, so when Bella tries to go and visit him, she is denied. He is there for a month until finally, surprises Bella on Valentine's Day because Esme signed his early release. He tells Bella he has started medication, and then receives a warning call from Esme letting them know Carlisle found out Edward left early and they are coming home early from their trip. He kicks Edward out of the house, and Charlie lets him crash on the Swan's couch for a couple nights. Bella notices him growing distant until one day, she finds him in the bathroom after attempting suicide. He's rushed to the hospital and eventually, he is able to go home. A week goes by getting back into a normal routine, and the last chapter ends like so:**_

_**He finally started the car before sighing. "I don't wanna act like this. I don't wanna fucking be this." There was another long pause. "I want to try medication again."**_

* * *

Edward was easing in to Carlisle's new-found understanding – in my opinion, guilt – towards him, but it would take more than just a few conversations to heal opened wounds between the two.

Which was why when Edward suggested medication once more, he approached Carlisle with the idea of all three of us sitting down and deciding something together. Carlisle because of his medical status, and me because he was convinced I was better in touch with his well-being than he himself was. Although this may have been true, the atmosphere was far more tense than I was comfortable with.

The truth was, I was uncomfortable with the current situation all around. I had never expressed to Edward my worry of him starting medication once more, and had no plans of bringing up now as the three of us sat in the middle of a crowded Applebee's. It was Carlisle's idea to make the matter less formal, and while I appreciated the effort, it did not take away from the giant elephant still hanging above all of our heads.

Edward attempted to commit suicide.

I hadn't allowed him out of my site unless it was absolutely necessary, and when I did, I had Alice checking up on him far more than he would have liked. He couldn't argue about it though because he knew I wasn't being out of line, and he knew that he had to deal with the consequences of his actions.

It was all part of his promise to make it all up to me. He really had no choice but to go along with whatever I wanted. I could have abused this power I had over him, but I didn't. Well, at least not _most_ of the time. . .

Let's just say Edward and I had become rather. . ._closer_ since his return home. I was on the constant receiving end of his adoration, and the closer we became, the more passionate I discovered Edward was. Though we hadn't been together since Valentine's Day (Edward decided that I needed to get on birth control first), he had other ways of making it up to me.

I knew it was ultimately what was best for the both of us, not having sex. I was not emotionally ready after everything that had happened, and Edward knew this. He refused to be with me until he was one hundred percent sure he could give me everything I deserved. They were his words, not mine, but I was rather beginning to like this apologetic Edward. His endless amounts of affection helped distract my mind from the darkness, which was his plan, I was sure.

I couldn't complain; it was working.

I blushed as I felt his hand relax itself on my inner thigh, rubbing slow circles on the fabric. The corner of his lip pulled up into a half-smile as he studied my reaction and the affect he had on me. I refused to meet his gaze with Carlisle sitting right across the table, knowing my cheeks would grow an even more obvious color of red, giving everything away.

I wasn't sure how Edward was handling himself so well. He could have easily been covering up his anxiety for my sake, but usually I could read through him easier. Maybe he genuinely was eager to attempt to move forward once more. But again, how was that possible with last time's results?

Maybe avoiding the subject all together was a bad thing, and maybe him and I should have talked about this prior to now, with Carlisle present. I sighed quietly to myself because seemingly nothing in my brain had been working correctly lately.

After we ordered, Carlisle finally cleared his throat, clearly switching into doctor mode. His MacBook Pro was open in front of him with his fingers ready at the keyboard. "Alright," he began, "As the two of you know, medication is not a subject to be taken lightly. I need a surplus of information gathered from Edward's mentality to be able to accurately assess the appropriate dosage."

Edward simply nodded his head. "Let's start."

-oOo-

"But Bella, you didn't even go your junior year!" Alice whined. "It's a high school pastime, you can't _not_ go."

She was referring to prom, and I certainly could _not_ go. Alice, Rosalie, and I were in Port Angeles due to Alice's request of a girl's day out. Though shopping wasn't my thing, I could hardly deny her of such a request seeing as in I had been sorely lacking in the friend department lately.

It was the first time I had really left Edward alone since the incident, and I was beyond anxious. Especially upon him starting his new medication just a week ago. I shivered. Carsisle had assured the both of us he had seemingly found a right match to Edward's severity, and at this point I could only hope and pray he was right. After all, things hadn't gone horribly wrong the past week. . .Edward's mood and attitude had been spotty and up and down, but then again, when wasn't it? Carlisle had explained that it would take at least a full month until it fully started working, and to me, that was not nearly soon enough.

Because even though Edward was trying to make sure he told me everything he was feeling, old habits kicked in and he became the master of secrecy. He had been so good at hiding his feelings in the past that I guess I didn't blame him at the fact that it was a hard adjustment.

None the less, when he was out of my sight, I was texting him to the point of the early stages of Carpel Tunnel. It was such a teenage girl notion for completely the opposite intentions. I was probably being irrational, but after Edward's suicide attempt I rationed that nothing was irrational.

"Alice, even if I did want to go, I'm sure Edward wouldn't."

Rosalie snorted, "Got that right."

Alice's eyes widened. "So you _do_ want to go. I knew it!" She started clapping her hands together and it was just _so Alice_. I didn't want to shut her down, but I had to before she escalated.

"Al, I can't ask that much of him, you know that. He's still adjusting. . ."

This didn't seem to waver her excitement as her expression grew thoughtful. "What if he _did_ want to go though?" she pondered slyly.

I rolled my eyes, not bothering to respond. Though I viewed prom as being overly excessive, overly expensive, and over-rated, the idea of going with Edward did appeal me. I would never ask him, and I certainly would never bring it up, but Alice was right. Maybe I did want to go.

Everything between Edward and I had been heavy. I was done doing heavy. I needed something _light_. Prom was light. I sighed quietly when I realized the burdens of the past would _always _be heavy, regardless of fancy dresses or flashing lights.

-oOo-

I feverishly kissed at his lips, tugging and pulling at them with my teeth. It was around midnight and we had the house to ourselves. To my demand Edward laid shirtless below me and I had somehow managed to get down to my black bra and matching underwear.

He moaned into my mouth, his chest rising and falling as his hands roamed anywhere they could. _Everywhere_ they could. I moved my lips down to his neck and began sucking at the soft skin. My thoughts were hardly coherent at this point because when I was this close to Edward, they never were. One would think I would have built up some sort of tolerance to his to-die for physique, but it just hadn't happened yet.

I enjoyed being on top of him quite a bit, and I knew he enjoyed it even more. I moved my face back to his and we began kissing deeper. Edward's lips were so soft and sweet that they were almost comparable to his yummy muscles.

The fact that I did indeed refer to them as yummy only confirmed my incoherent thought theory. I sighed into his mouth, wanting to be closer. I grinded my hips into his, satisfied to feel his very present erection to below me. I began moving my kisses away from his lips, back to his neck, and to his chest, about to began making a path down to where I wanted.

"What are we going to do next year?" he blurted out suddenly, catching me off guard. I ignored him at first, continuing my journey down his chest. . .

He pulled me back up to him and I pouted. "Bella, I'm serious," he rolled his eyes. "We need to figure this shit out."

"Now?" I asked incredulously.

"Now," he confirmed. Though his abrupt halt to my soon-to-be-blow-job had me discourage that I couldn't _give_ a blow job, I had to remember that he had been like this a lot lately because of his new meds, and that spontaneity was his new thing.

I groaned loudly, plopping my head down the pillows as I rolled off the top of him. "I don't know, go to college."

"But where?" he hedged.

Edward was smart. Beyond smart. He verged on genius though his attendance failed to show that. That couldn't go to waste and the logical thing was for him to go to college. I had never bothered him about the idea, however, because I could understand if he wanted to take a year off for some reason. I just never really worried about it because I assumed we could make something work.

"I applied a couple places, the same ones you did. If we both get in, then it's up to you. My major is very flexible and I want to go some place where you think you will feel comfortable."

"I want to get the hell out of Forks," he admitted.

I sat up a little, turning myself to face him. "I assumed as much," I teased lightly.

His expression remained thoughtful. "I was talking to Carlisle about it, early today before you came. . .he thinks somewhere far away would be best. A fresh start. Somewhere I won't be able to be tempted to come back very often."

A month ago, to hear Carlisle think that would be just an obvious ploy to get Edward out of his life so that he was no longer his problem. Now, I wasn't so sure. Though that still could have been part of his reasoning, his actual logic was, well, logical. Edward needed a fresh start. He needed to leave Forks; he needed to leave Washington.

"Edward, wherever you go, I'll be a step behind. Granted I can afford it. . ." I trailed off quietly.

He looked at me seriously, his mood changing ever so slightly to what almost seemed like panic. "Bella, I sure as hell need you behind me on this one. If money's going to stand in your way where we end up going, you know I have more than enough from my parents."

I immediately began shaking my head. "Edward no, I can't touch that. I wouldn't let a dime of that go to me. There's Emmett and there's Seth–"

He cut me off. "Bella I said _I have more than enough from my parents_. I meant that. I don't think you realize how well-off my parents were. My mother was one of the most well-known lawyers in Washington and if you thought Carlisle was high up in his medical position, my father was about three times higher. Not only that but he purchased and sold property. _And_ he played the stock market. And he was good at it."

I sighed, never really comprehending just how rich Edward was. "Still," I responded uneasily. "I would feel bad."

"_They owe it to you_," he stated in determination. "You did what they never could. You gave me my fucking life back. You saved my fucking life. I would be dead without you. I would have been dead a long time ago. They damn well owe it to you, and if they were here, they would agree."

I didn't want to argue something he seemed so sure of, especially since I didn't want to trigger some sort of reaction from him. I never saw myself as an extraordinary person, but Edward for some reason did. And even though I hated the idea of his parents money and knew Charlie would throw a fit about it, the idea of not having to worry about money regardless of where we went was appealing as well.

I certainly didn't want him basing his future off of my decisions, but at the same time, I realized at this point, it was a miracle he was even going to college in the first place. Besides, I'm sure he would have no problem in finding a major. Figuring out college seemed to be the least of my worries at the moment, anyway.

-oOo-

The three of us – Seth, Edward, and I – sat on the couch, eating Chinese takeout Edward had ordered. Seth shoved the fortune cookie in my face, insisting it was bad luck not to open your fortune cookie before your meal.

It was so cliché that I should have seen it coming. Except it was Edward so I had no way of seeing it coming. Seth clapped his hands in excitement as he snatched the small piece of paper out of my hand and paraded it around the empty house singing, "Eddie's got a prom date, Eddie's got a prom date!" How he had managed it, I was not sure, but regardless, I had definitely not seen it coming. At all.

While I couldn't hide my smile, a part of me was worried. After I released him from a tight hug, I looked at him seriously. "Did Alice put you up to this? You know, we really don't have to go. . .we really don't have to do this."

He scoffed, opening his mouth in feigned shock. "Um, excuse me, Miss, do you mean to tell me you're saying _no_?"

I giggled, though still worried. "Edward," I rolled my eyes. "I'm serious."

"So am I. Bella, will you go to prom with me?"

I grinned once more, shaking my head feverishly in excitement. Seth returned to the room, his victorious smile matching mine. "When I'm old enough, you'll go to prom with me right?"

Edward and I both laughed. "Hey man, find your own lady," he teased him.

"Of course, Seth," I ruffled his hair. "Now let's watch a movie. You get to pick tonight."

-oOo-

As the next week passed, I began noticing changes in Edward's behavior I had gotten so used to. He was trying to hard to keep his facade up, but he would slip every now and then. I pretended not to notice, for fear of him beating himself up about disappointing me, even though he wasn't. I was so proud of how far he'd come, and he was giving me enough hope to believe that the worst really was over and that the dark clouds were finally moving themselves away.

Forks was dreary enough on its own, all Edward deserved was some sun.

I slowly began giving him more time on his own, and ironically enough, I think it was harder for me than it was for him. He spent more time with Emmett though, so I could hardly find a complaint in me. As long as him and his brother were gaining back that relationship they had lost so abruptly.

Alice was ecstatic about Edward asking me to prom. She gloated and rubbed it in my face that she was right about me wanting to go and about Edward wanting to ask me. I knew Edward didn't want to go, but he tried so hard to make it seem like he did, and I knew he wanted to do this one thing for me.

Besides, seeing Alice parade me around in shoes that were way too high and demanding that I go dress shopping with her almost every other day was enough amusement for him apparently.

I went along with it all because it all felt so normal. The feeling was unfamiliar and being reacquainted with it was more refreshing than I could have described to anyone. That's all I had wanted for Edward and I since the beginning: normal.

I wanted to have normal date nights where he would let me pick the movie. I wanted to have normal arguments about who would pay the bill for dinner. I wanted to have silly little fights about what movie we would watch that night. I wanted to plan weekend trips, study for exams, order food that was so not healthy for us. I wanted to have a normal relationship with Edward, but more importantly, I wanted Edward to be able to go back to having a normal life. If he had ever even had one in the first place.

But he was slipping. And he was trying so hard to hide it.

The light that had been present in his eyes began to vanish and the familiar darkness took its place. He went from getting consistently good sleep every night to not sleeping at all again. In fact the only time I think he did sleep was when we were together; when he insisted on taking naps in his big, warm bed together. It was unfair, really, because he knew I couldn't say no. How could I turn down and opportunity to lay in his arms?

I knew the real reason for his naps, though. He knew his mood was changing, and he didn't want to disappoint me with it, meaning that every time we were together – not including school – we'd either be cuddling in his bed or watching a movie.

He hardly touched me, despite my pathetic attempts at seduction. I even asked Alice to take me to Victoria's Secret. After the mortifying experience was over, I had two undergarments that were so sinful Grandma Swan would be crying in her grave.

As if that weren't bad enough, I had to stop at the gas station and pick up condoms in case he didn't have any on him when we were alone. That was my plan – wear my skimpy lingerie, put on sweet smelling perfume, tease my hair, and hope to god he'd finally give him and it would take his mind off of the sadness he had been holding.

Charlie would be gone for the weekend; another fishing trip he and his friends decided to go on. I had invited Edward over for the weekend earlier that day at school, and while he was able to muster up a crooked smile, his eyes were still wrong.

I glanced at the clock. It was eight and he was suppose to be here any minute now.

Like on cue, I glanced out the front window just in time to see his Volvo whip into the driveway. The door bell rang shortly after, and I had to refrain from running to the door.

My heart sank a little when I opened it up, meeting his face. "Hey," she smiled sadly. He leaned in to place a soft kiss on my lips, and it was over before I could even close my eyes.

I sighed, trying not to let it ruin the confidence I had been building up for tonight. I was gonna need every bit of it I could if I was actually going to go through with this. "Hi," I finally answered back with a smile. "What do you want to to?"

"Can we go up to your room? I just wanna lay down for a little bit," he rubbed his exhausted eyes. "Just so damn tired."

I bit my lip, nodding. That wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear but at least I could change and get ready in the bathroom before he could doze off on me. I followed behind him up the stairs, letting him know I had to run to the bathroom quick and that I'd meet him in there.

My heart raced loudly in my chest after I closed the door behind me and I knew I had to change before I could talk myself out of this bad idea. It wasn't even a bad idea in the first place; Edward and I hadn't had sex in almost a month, let alone be intimate at all in the last week. A girl could only take so much when someone as appealing as Edward was her boyfriend. I couldn't let all of that go to waste.

I took a deep breath, discarding my clothes before putting on the skimpy black lace. I will admit, once I had it on, I was feeling much better about the whole situation. The bra fit to my chest like a glove, giving me more cleavage than I had ever shown, not to mention the lace panties ability to accent my butt in a way that even made _me_ want to check myself out. I almost had to stop myself from grinning like an idiot. I knew Edward, and I knew there was no way he could say no now.

Dabbing on just a touch of mascara and spraying just a spritz of vanilla-lavender perfume, I opened the door. As I made my short journey from the bathroom to my room, I prayed Edward hadn't actually fallen asleep on me in that short period of time.

I peeked my head around the open door frame, spotting him lying face up on my bed. I sighed in relief when I saw that his eyes were open.

Swallowing hard, I stepped into my room.

He didn't notice me right away, but when he did, I had the satisfaction of seeing his eyes grow wider than I had ever seen them. He slowly sat up, never taking them off of me.

The way they moved across my body had my face burning. They finally moved back to mine. "You're so fucking beautiful when you blush like that," he whispered. A small smile crept over my lips. I had him, I knew it.

But by the time I made it over to him on the bed, he had grown stiff, and not in the kind of way I would have wanted. His jaw was in a hard line with this shoulders broad and locked. For a second I feared he wasn't even going to touch me at all. When he reached out and did, I immediately wished he hadn't at all.

His touch was formal, no feelings behind it. Though his fingers trailed softly over the plains of my skin, his eyes were masked and guarded. I moved myself onto his lap so that I was straddling his legs, bringing my hands up behind his neck and into his hair.

I began grinding on his hips as I moved my lips to his. I sucked desperately on his bottom lip, and he kissed me back. Barely. I moved my hands down to the hem of his black shirt, tugging it over his head. He didn't help at all, but eventually I got it. I ran my hands over the muscles of his abdomen and nothing. He did nothing. His hands remained still on my hips, never moving; never exploring.

This didn't make any sense. I had seen the way he had looked at me. This was every guy's dream situation. Why didn't he _want_ me?

"Why are you trying so hard not to stop this?" I demanded in frustration, met by his emotionless green eyes.

"Bella, just. . .stop. You're making this harder on yourself than it needs to be." His tone dripped of condescension.

A pit grew in my stomach and I felt nasueas. I wanted my clothes back. I crossed my hands over my chest. "Why are you acting like this?" I asked in a defeated whisper. He didn't respond, keeping his jaw in a hard, straight line. "Don't you. . .don't you want me?"

Emotion sparked in his eyes, though I'm not sure what kind. "Don't be stupid."

I felt them coming. Angry tears pricked at my eyes but I held them back. I wasn't stupid, but he was making me feel _so _stupid. I wasn't. "Edward, you want this! I know you want this, why are you trying so hard to deny it to yourself?"

I nearly yelled out in frustration. I got off his lap and off the bed. I stood in the middle of the dark room, looking around for something to put on myself. I found a shirt on the ground, but before I could put it on, his voice stopped me.

"Oh, don't be like that," he told me in exasperation. His voice was so demeaning.

I spun around to face him. "And why the hell not?" I cried, throwing my hands up in the hair. "I've done damn near everything I've good in the past week to just get you to even look at me like you want me. Have I done something wrong?"

He stood up. "Maybe I should go."

My eyes watered up. Stupid tears of defeat. No. _No_. I was not letting this happen. "Am I that hard to be around?" I asked as my voice cracked.

He rolled his eyes before letting out a humorless laugh. "Poor, Bella. Pity party on Bella. Bella has such a bad life. Oh, so her boyfriend doesn't feel her up." His voice turned serious. "Go cry about it."

My jaw dropped before I could stop it. What was going on?

I realized it. I had done what Carlisle feared I would do. I had been so used to my version of normal Edward that I had forgotten the whiplash that came along with how the _real_ normal Edward acted.

I attempted to compose myself, not letting his stinging words get to me. "Edward," I said calmly. "Just breathe, breathe it's okay."

He took a step towards me, towering over me. His nostrils flared in anger as his face got really close to mine. It almost seemed like he was going to kiss me. "I don't want to be here anymore, _Bella_," he said curtly; each word having its own distinct and slow pronunciation. "So get out of my fucking way."

I moved in front of him, blocking his path. Before I knew what was happening he put a tight grip on each of my shoulders before shoving me to the ground.

The force was too painful for my body to not react, so I cried out in pain as I hit the floor, my mind foggy with what had just happened. The tears came, and this time I didn't bother trying to stop them. I laid there with a body that felt broken and a heart that only felt worse, expecting him to walk around me and finally get what he wanted.

I shook on the floor as too many emotions to register washed over me.

Almost instantly his arms were around me. He effortlessly lifted me on the bed, tucking the both of us under the blankets as he wrapped me up in his arms. I couldn't really register his words because he was saying so many of them. "Bella, Jesus Christ, Bella I am so fucking sorry, baby. I don't know what happened. Fuck, how bad did I hurt you? Oh, Bella. Bella, just. . .let me hold you. Let me fix it. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, baby. I love you. I love you. I love you."

The I love you's kept coming as he too seemed to shake. I didn't say anything, silently crying myself to sleep in his arms wondering if it really was love Edward had for me or if I really was just the crutch he needed to get by.

I had a big bruise on my back from the force I had hit the floor, but I hid it from Edward. No need to push him back into his deep hole of despair. He felt sorry enough and that was obvious.

His mood seemed to have improved that following morning, and I'm sure it was due to the breakdown he had been building up over the past two weeks finally taking its toll on him.

After that night I decided I was done trying to get anywhere with Edward for fear of being so harshly let down again. If lacy lingerie couldn't do it, I was at a loss as to what could. At breakfast I expressed to him that I would like to stay at his house for the rest of the weekend instead of mine. That way what happened last night hopefully wouldn't happen again with people around. He agreed without complaints, trying to make it up to me for last night.

I couldn't blame him all that much, it was the nature of his illness after all. I had to be patient and I had to be understanding because I knew what I was up against. I just didn't know it would be so damn hard.

It's not like I signed up for this.

I just had to learn how to cope with it. I had to learn a way to make this work.

While Edward was showering, I decided to walk down to the kitchen to find Alice. On my way down, I passed Carlisle's study. The door was open and the familiar voices of his aunt and uncle came inside.

Truthfully I wouldn't have eavesdropped had I not heard my name mentioned. I stood by the door while I listened to Esme speak. "She's so worn down. Carlisle, she shouldn't have that much hope. You need to say something to her."

"Es, I've done enough. I've done way more harm than good and at this point, I wouldn't blame her if she saw me coming and turned around in the opposite direction and walked away. She wouldn't believe me anyways. She's too naïve for her own good, especially in a situation like this."

I heard her sigh. "It's not going to go away – it never will. She's tried so hard to convince herself that it will but even she has to have limits, right? Even she has to know it can't, right? I'm just so worried about her, and I'm even more worried about Edward." There was a long pause before she spoke again. "What about when she finally realizes she isn't strong enough for him anymore, Car? Where does that leave him?"

His voice was strained, and I might have been crazy for thinking it, but Carlisle's voice sounded as if he had genuine care for both Edward and I. "Bella's a fighter, believe me. But you're right. She needs to be informed of the situation to a more extreme extent. She needs to know that there's more to Edward's disorder than her online research lets on. Yes, the medication will help, but it's not some panacea. Watching him closely and listening to what she has told me, he has it far worse than just your atypical case. Depression comes along with being bipolar, but the thing is, Edward has a great deal of depression on top of bipolar disorder, making his mood swings even more severe and harder to predict. He needs depression medication, but cannot be medicated on top of his pills to treat his bipolar disorder."

I was too taken away by just how much Carlisle had been able to assess from Edward in the past couple weeks to really let the magnitude of what he was saying impact me. Esme waited a long time before she spoke. "So one or the other will always be present," she stated sadly.

"There's no way around, I've thought of everything."

I sensed that their conversation was coming to a close, and carefully walked away from the door. Instead of continuing on with finding Alice, I turned back around to Edward's room.

I needed to sit down fast because I had grown dizzy and the room was spinning.

Carlisle's words ran through my head at a million miles an hour and I had lost my ability to process what they would mean for me.

I shut the door of his room behind me, noticing the water had stopped running and that he had finished his shower. I laid down on his bed, shutting my eyes and ignoring the throbbing pain in my head. The bathroom door opened along with my eyes to see Edward's damp body. I was taken back like usual with the definition of his muscles, wondering when he found the time to maintain them. All he had on was a pair of gray sweatpants, slung very low on his hips.

He noticed me staring and a sly smile crept across his lips. He walked over to the bed before hovering himself over me. He placed a deep kiss right below my right ear lobe before whispering into my ear, "I can't get the mental image of you in lingerie out of my head." He placed another deep kiss in the same spot, sending shivers throughout my whole body. "You should buy more."

His presence was making it hard for me to have coherent thoughts so I just saved myself the trouble and didn't think.

His kisses moved down to my neck and I barely noticed as he removed my shirt. He began kissing my collarbone, licking and sucking until I was dizzier than I had been before. This was a different kind of dizzy though. A good dizzy.

He spun us around so that I was on top of him and finally moved his lips to mine. As he was kissing me, he placed his hands around me on my back, pulling me closer to him.

I may have been dizzy, but the sharp pain I felt in my back was enough to pull me from my trance. I let out a little yelp as my whole body cringed away from his touch. Edward's eyes were panicked, and my mind finally became coherent enough to realize I had just blown my cover on the injury he had inflicted on my back.

_Shit_.

Slowly, ever so slowly, he sat me up and turned me around so that he could inspect what had caused the interruption. Though I couldn't see his face, I heard his loud intake of breath and shut my eyes sadly. I had looked at the bruise this morning, and it was much worse than I thought it would be. It didn't hurt so bad, not unless I bumped it.

"Edward," I began.

"Don't," he cut me off sharply. "Don't say it's okay. This is not fucking okay." He removed himself from the bed. I glanced up to see him with his hands balled into tight fists in his hair, pacing before me. "_I_ did that to you. _I_ fucking did that to you."

"Edward," I pleaded. "You had a breakdown. It's just the new medication, you're still getting used to it. It'll take some time. . ." I trailed off when I realized that talking him out of this was a lost cause.

"I quit. I'm fucking done," he gritted out through his teeth. "I give up. No more trying. Not when shit like _this_ happens." He snapped his gaze to mine. His green eyes were burning with the intensity of hate he had for himself, and it broke my heart. "It was better off before. When you didn't know me, when you weren't around me. I couldn't hurt you then. I didn't hurt you then. I'm done trying, Bella, I give up, I quit, I'm finished."

And just like that we were back to square one. It had been like miles of steps had been taken, and then all of a sudden back-tracked just like that, in the shortest of moments.

* * *

_Hate me today,_  
_Hate me tomorrow,_  
_Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you_

_Hate me in ways,_  
_Yeah ways hard to swallow_  
_Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you_  
- Hate Me, Blue October

**Reviews are probably the best the in the world to me. Sorry, I'm out of analogies. I'd just love to hear from you. :)**


	35. Chapter 35

**This is the final chapter of Miserable At Best, aside from the epilogue which will becoming shortly. I have had this entire story planned out since the beginning and it is an incredibly moving experience being able to share the journey with all of you and finally post the last chapter.**

**It's bittersweet because I never want it to end, but it's truly life-changing knowing all of you supported me in writing such a very difficult story. Your never-ending feedback, love, and support is what enabled me to finish my story and I want to take the time to thank each and everyone of you.**

**I won't post anything at the bottom so I will say it now - if I haven't heard from you yet, I want to hear from all of you. This story means the world to me, so I can only hope you have found your enjoyment in it.**

**Along with the epilogue I will be posting a video that goes along with the story shortly.**

**With that being said, Chapter 35 of Miserable At Best.**

* * *

Edward stood at the podium, straightening his tie and clearing his throat. Every eye in the room was on him. He was the only one who would be speaking tonight; he insisted it and Emmett complied.

Even at such a vulnerable state, he looked so brave up there.

No one expected him to be standing up there. After the past year, it was a miracle he was.

The room was over-capacity, and the amount of people in black around me was startling. Sniffles sounded from my left and right, and I recrossed my legs for the third time since he had gotten up there. Alice clung tightly to my hand on one side as Emmett held a Kleenex box between him and I on the other.

Edward cleared his throat once more, blinking his eyes a rapid three times, closing them for a long moment, and then opening them up to face the crowd once more.

"Many of you knew my parents. . .probably better than I did." He paused, glancing at me. I offered a small smile, wiping the corner of my eye. "My parents loved Emmett, Seth, and I. They had a funny way of showing it, but at least I know that now. I'm sure all of you sat in this same room last year, morning their deaths as you held your breath, hoping mine wasn't to follow. I wasn't able to be here, but I was lucky. I survived." 

_I held it in my hand, glaring back and forth from it to him. His face was expressionless, only fueling my anger further._

_ "Edward, what the hell is this? Are you kidding me?" I threw it at him. "Do you really want to prove Carlisle right? What would he say if he found this? He would be furious. I'm furious! You know what this does to you!"_

_ He crossed his arms in defiance. "It's one fucking joint. It's not going to hurt anyone."_

_ I threw my hands in the air in exasperation. "I thought you were done with this! You promised you were done." I pleaded with him with my eyes. "You know it's never just one. It will never be just one unless you stop all together. Edward, it's been over two months since you smoked last! You're just going to throw that progress away, just like that?"_

_ Though he had declared himself finished with trying numerous times following that first time, he hadn't actually stopped taking his medication. Even though he wouldn't admit it, I know a part of him was scared to for fear of what would happen to his mood if he did._

_ "That's kind of my thing, Bella," he laughed humorlessly. "I make progress, I wreck it. I make progress, I wreck it. That's my _life_. You know that."_

_ He was right. That was the hardest part of all this. "But that doesn't mean you can't try. Edward, you know you're better than these stupid drugs. From the moment I've met you, every step you've taken has been progress, regardless of what you think. You've come so far and you're only going to come farther."_

_ "I'm not getting a happily ever after, Bella," he insisted angrily. "You need to let that sink in because everyone knows it's true but you."_

_ "But, Edward," I replied desperately. "That doesn't mean you have to make yourself so miserable. You deserve a happily ever after, and that's all that matters. If you can't get exactly that, that doesn't mean you can't get something close to it."_

_ His stare on the ground only grew angrier as he willed me to drop the subject. "Can we just talk about this later? Please. Let's get these stupid dinner plans figured out now."_

_ Up until I had found the joint, we had been discussing prom plans. It was now a week away, and all that was left was dinner reservations. All of that didn't seem to matter in that moment because it was painfully obvious how much Edward didn't want to go._

_ "I can just return the stupid dress. I can return the stupid shoes. Screw the reservation, we won't go. I don't even want to go."_

_ His face grew soft. "Bella, I want to take you, I promise."_

_ "I don't even know if it's worth it," I admitted in defeat. "Not if we can't make it through one conversation without arguing about it or something else. I don't think we should go. I think it's pointless."_

_ "We will," he ignored me. "I'll give you your magic night. Just because I can't have my happily ever after doesn't mean I can't give you yours."_

_ "I need some time on my own," I sighed sadly. "We need to be apart for a little bit and I need time to clear my head."_

_ His face fell, but he said nothing._

_ "You make the reservations. If you really do want to go, we can. We just need some space, Edward. I love you, I just. . .I need some Bella time."_

"As many of you know, I've really struggled over the past year. You could say I've been to hell and back, but it just doesn't come close to covering it." He ran a hand through his disheveled hair. "The odds haven't been my favor, but yet, here I stand."

I hadn't noticed I needed a tissue until Emmett was handing me one. He wrapped an arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his large frame in a small half hug.

"I didn't cope with things how I should have, but then again, there is no manual out there on how to deal with your parents' deaths, especially when you've thought all along that it was your fault. I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, though it doesn't justify my behavior," he let out a soft sigh. "But in the past year, in my darkest time, I was given an immense amount of light."

Alice squeezed my hand as I heard her sniffle. Edward's eyes locked with mine and stayed there as he continued with his next sentence. "As many of you probably have heard, I tried to take my life. Like I said," he ran another hand through his hair. "I shouldn't be here right now. I have Bella to thank for that, though, and if you haven't met her yet I suggest you do because she is extraordinary."

I reached for the new Kleenex Emmett had ready in his hand, rubbing my wet, tired eyes.

"What an incredibly selfish thing for me to do. After three times of surviving a situation I shouldn't have, I realize now that I'm here on this world for a reason, and that reason can stem all the way back to a smile." His eyes looked up to meet the somber crowd. "Seth's smile." 

_"I seriously just can't get over how perfect that color is with your skin," Alice gloated to me about my dress. "I'm so glad you decided to surprise Edward with it, I can't wait to see his face!"_

_ I saw Rosalie roll her eyes in the mirror at typical Alice excitement. I had been at the Cullen's nearly all day and it was getting close to our dinner reservations. Alice had done Rosalie's hair, Rosalie had done Alice's hair, and Rosalie grudgingly agreed to do mine, insisting to me that what she had in mind would be a lot less drastic than Alice's vision._

_ Rosalie and I never talked much and I doubted we ever would. I didn't mind her, and judging by her indifference, she tolerated me._

_ "I'll be done in five minutes," Rosalie let her know before Alice could bother her with another impatient question as to when she would be done._

_ I studied myself in the mirror. My make-up, my brown eyes, my cream skin. Rosalie had my hair in a loose up-do and a few curls fell down the sides of my face. Staring at my reflection I realized how easy it was to cover up what you didn't want people to see. I blinked my eyes as I felt a pang of sadness come on by just how upsetting of a fact that was._

_ Remembering Edward earlier that day and the way his eyes had been so off, I worried about tonight. He wanted this so bad to be perfect for me that I sincerely worried he had driven himself into depression over it._

_ Carlisle had mentioned something about that always being a possible occurance._

_ I was confident with the face I saw in the mirror, I just hoped it was enough for Edward to be distracted by himself. My dress was a royal blue – his favorite color I had chosen just for him. It was simple; elegant. It was strapless with a sweetheart neckline, tight to my rib cage, forming around the curves of my hips until it fell like majestic rose pedals to the floor._

_ Even without Alice's constant praise of approval, I couldn't help but get butterflies in my chest at the reaction I was hoping to get. I hadn't felt this beautiful in a long time, not since the first time he had kissed me._

Edward paused for another long moment.

"We never know what we have until it's gone." Another pause. He adjusted his tie once more, swallowing loudly before continuing on. "Whether it be nagging parents who really only want the best for you. . ." 

_ Just as Rosalie was placing the last section of curls into place, there was a soft knock at the door._

_ "Who is it?" Alice demanded cautiously._

_ Edward's musical voice sounded from the other side. "Bella, I just wanted to let you know I'm not standing you up," he joked with a soft chuckle. "I have to drive Seth to the baby sitter's house and I'll be back in like twenty minutes."_

_ I sighed fondly, remembering Seth's reaction at seeing all of us in our dresses earlier that day, feeling so special he got to see us before the older boys. "Wow," he had said, "I've never gotten to see a real-life princess before."_

_ "Give him a hug for me!" I responded with a smile, settling back into my chair._

"Or whether it's a baby brother who could always give you that smile." 

_I was ready; everyone was ready. Our reservations were at six and it was now a quarter to. All that was missing was Edward._

_ I had tried calling him once to ask him what the hold up was only to hear his loud ringtone sound from the other room, indicating he had forgotten his phone at home. My guess was that the drive was either longer than he had anticipated or he had gotten lost with Seth as his navigator._

_ Another ten minutes passed and he still hadn't returned. It had now been forty five since he had left, and the other four had already taken pictures while they were waiting._

_ I glanced out the window at the fading sky just as my phone rang. I eagerly checked to the caller ID to find it was just Charlie. Sighing, I answered. "Hey, Dad, what's up?"_

_ I remembered that he was currently on shift and immediately began wondering why he was calling. There was an uneasy pause on the other end as I heard loud shuffling in the background._

_ "Bells, it's Edward. Him and Seth were hit by a drunk driver."_

"It's an amazing feeling knowing you have someone to look up to you like that, and that feeling goes away the moment you realize you've wasted the last year feeling so sorry for yourself that you forgot about all the people you were letting down."

He took a step back for a moment, closing his eyes. 

_My legs failed to keep me standing as I fell to the ground. My phone dropped from my hands and landed next to me on the hardwood with a noise clank._

_ Everything happened in slow motion as Alice rushed to my side, followed my Emmett shortly after. "Bella?" Everyone's eyes were on me as I stared at Emmett in nothing but panic._

_ I could barely gasp out the words. I was near hyperventilation. "Seth and Edward got into an accident."_

_ His eyes grew wide and bewildered before the next second I knew, he tugged me off the ground, dragging my out to his large truck yelling for the others to follow. Everyone's movements were robotic as they piled into the back seat while I climbed into the passenger seat._

_ I knew nothing; nothing other than the need for us to rush to the hospital._

_ Him and Seth were hit by a drunk driver. Him and Seth were hit by a drunk driver. Him and Seth were hit by a drunk driver._

_ Charlie's words never left my mind. _

_ The only sound in the car was the tires moving rapidly down the road and the engine shifting gears as Emmett picked up speed._

"He made me realize so many things, and it was me looking up to him." 

_I had discarded my heels in the truck and was out the door before Emmett had even come to a stop._

_ I pushed past multiple people to get to the emergency wing. Running was difficult in my dress but not impossible. My heart was racing faster than it ever had and my face was stained with tears. This couldn't be happening._

_ Not again._

_ I finally caught up to the loud commotion and came to a halt when I saw a flurry of doctors along with stretchers. My vision became blurry as I stood there in awe for a moment at the possible outcomes of the situation before me._

_ Doctors were running, paramedics were frantic, stretchers were being rolled into rooms. My legs finally found their will to carry me and once again, I ran after them, looking for someone who could give me answers._

He took one last deep breath, meeting the eyes of what seemed like everyone in the room before raising his gaze finally to the ceiling.

"And for that, I thank you so much, Seth. I thank you, I love you. . .and I'm sorry." 

_I finally caught up to the one person I recognized, my dad's friend, Billy, a paramedic._

_ My eyes were wide, wet, and the only thing my mouth could gasp out was, "Edward."_

_ He lead me down the long hallway until he stopped at an occupied operating room. We stood outside the door and I looked up to meet his grim face. His eyes were pained, and I dreaded the answer he was going to give me to the question I was about to ask._

_ "How bad?" I whispered in horror._

_ Without an answer, he turned and wordlessly swiped his ID card across the keypad and slowly opened the door, indicating with a nod for me to look in._

_ Tuxedo, bronze hair, and everything, there he laid, surrounded by surgeons, covered in blood. I was weakened by the site. I couldn't look, yet I couldn't look away._

_ It was impossible to tell what was happening. There were monitors beeping, doctor's barking out orders. One of them noticed Billy and I in the doorway and yelled for Billy to shut the door. I didn't have enough strength in me to stop him._

_ Once the door was shut, I staggered backwards until my back found the wall and my body sank down to the floor. Billy knelt down before me, waiting until I met his gaze to speak. "He did this once, he can do it again, Bella." _

_ My eyes widened, wondering if Billy had been here on that night over a year ago. Had he driven the same ambulance? Placed Edward on the same stretcher?_

_ "We're trying to save him," he told me just as another paramedic approached us. His face was sweaty, and I watched as he whispered something in to Billy's ear. Billy's face paled, and the man left._

_ There was a pause of silence that seemed to last eternity before he spoke once more._

_ "But we couldn't save, Seth."_

Adjusting his tie for the last time, Edward silently stepped down from the podium.

* * *

_May angels lead you in  
Hear you me, my friends_  
_On sleepless roads the sleepless go_  
_May angels lead you in_  
-Hear You Me, Jimmy Eat World


	36. Miracles: Epilogue

**4 years on this crazy site have taught me so many things. I've been able to grow as a person, in ways in which are indescribable. I won't talk about what I've been through while writing this story, I'll simply state that writing this story was truly a blessing for me. Hearing your love, feedback, and support along the way was one of the most amazing things I've gotten to experience, and sharing my words with you made me happier than you could ever know.**

**This is the last time you guys have to hear me apologize for how long this update took, but I promised from the beginning, I'd never quit. From start to finish this has been my plan with MaB all along, and I can only hope my Edward and Bella were able to touch your hearts and entertain you along the way.**

**I reread the reviews for this story frequently, because they seriously are so touching. Words can't express my thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my chaotic words. To those of you who've been with me for the past four years and to those of you who just read the story today, thank you with everything I have in me.**

**I loved writing this. I love all of you.**

**And without further ado, the final chapter of Miserable At Best.**

* * *

It started and it ended with a crash.

This last year had taught me all about miracles; they were rare, fleeting. Some were fortunate enough to experience them, while others only wished an entire lifetime for one.

I was one of the lucky ones.

The amount of miracles in my life since I had moved to Forks had been truly remarkable. First, there was Edward.

A miracle that was at first, very unrecognizable. Not only had I been his miracle, but the love he was able to give me, after such a dark hole in his life, was breathtaking. The most miraculous thing, however, was the fact that Edward was still here, living.

And that wasn't because he had survived not one, but _two_ car accidents that should have killed him. It was because in some incredible way, he had been able to overcome those accidents mentally.

The second miracle was Seth. Seth's ability to reach out and steal the hearts of everyone he met was proof that when you looked hard enough, there really was good in the world. He would make a good angel.

It had been nearly a year since the accident. The second one. The weeks following it were devastating and unpredictable. No one knew what to expect and after Edward had heard the news in his hospital bed, bloody and broken, I had such little faith he would be able to mentally survive this second round of healing from losing yet another part of his family.

I remember that night; in clarity I wish I couldn't see.

_The news of Seth's death sent me into hysterics, bringing on a whole new wave of loss and pain I had never experienced. As I tried to register his sudden absence in the world, I began shaking violently at the realization that Edward could also face that fate._

_ Not another chance a death. I couldn't keep myself together to play the waiting game for a second time now. He had been lucky last time with the overdose, and the time before when he was able to wake up after a weeklong coma._

_ Was it possible for lightning to strike three times? Wasn't three miracles asking too much?_

_ I couldn't see straight, blinded by the tears in my eyes. I couldn't tell if Billy was still standing there next to me. I couldn't tell anything other than Seth was gone._

_ Gone._

_ And Edward could soon be too._

_ I don't know how long I sat there. It could have been minutes; it could have been days. No one continued to update me on Edward. Was that good? Bad?_

_ Life seemed so far away at the moment._

_ At some point Billy's voice brought me back to reality, as I wiped viciously at the tears on my face. His voice sounded so far away. _

"_We were able to save him, Bella." I blinked. "Edward is going to be okay."_

_And then with a strength I managed to find somewhere in me, in rapid speed I was able to pull myself off the floor and run into the room now empty of all medical personal. If I wasn't supposed to be in there, Billy wasn't about to stop me._

_Edward's mangled tux had been removed, and he laid on the med dressed in a hospital gown and an unthinkable amount of wires. He was asleep._

_They had sewed up the cuts on his face, and with the gown and blanket, it was impossible to tell the condition of the rest of his body. I watched his chest move up and down, listening to the steady sound of his heart beat sounding loudly from the nearby monitor._

_A nurse came in, informing me they were going to move him to a different room for him to stay. Like a robot, I followed wordlessly behind them until he was secured in his new room._

"_It's amazing," the nurse had said, "that this boy is still alive. How the impact didn't kill him, I'll never know. His body fought so hard during the operations. He never quit"_

_Through my wet eyes, I slowly looked up to her._

"_I remember him, you know. From that time months and months ago," she paused. "There's something damn special about this boy."_

_With that she left me, and when she did, I crawled into bed next to Edward, carefully avoiding all the IVs and any harm I could cause him._

_The others came in, each one their own mess of sadness at the news of Seth. Relief filled everyone's eyes upon the sight of Edward's well being. No one really said anything because there was nothing to say in a situation like this. There was no right way to mourn._

_I wasn't sure how long I laid there with him before I heard his soft voice. "Bella?"_

"_I love you," was all I could choke out._

"_Where's Seth? Is he okay?" Though his voice was quiet and faint, there was great deal of panic behind it._

_Tears formed in my eyes at his questions. The sadness had come on so suddenly once again that my body shook with a heavy sob._

_He didn't respond. He knew._

_Neither of us spoke as I felt his hot tears roll onto my hair. I shut my eyes and prayed like I had never prayed before._

_Hearing the change in his heart rate, a nurse came in, realized Edward had just received the news, and pumped more medicine into his IV. It was to knock him out and stabilize him. Physically _and _mentally._

_ For the first time, I was happy there was a drug strong enough to allow Edward to escape the pain, even just for a short time._

Yet here Edward was.

Something had changed after Edward had spoken at Seth's funeral. Something in him had snapped, and miraculously, it wasn't in a negative way.

Everyone, especially myself, had put Edward on a suicide watch the moment he stepped out of that hospital. He said little to anyone, even me. While I urged him to talk about what happened, and let him know it was okay to be sad, he insisted on avoiding the subject.

He played the piano a lot.

He spent a lot of time shooting hoops out in his driveway.

Him and Emmett started talking more. All the time. In fact, Emmett was out there shooting hoops with him a majority of the time.

He was sad, that was obvious, but in a different kind of way. He continued taking his medication, and I was given this strange sense of relief by him that I no longer needed to worry about his smoking habits. When in one conversation, he had told me it was in the past, it was so sincere I had no choice but to not question it.

In fact, after the funeral, his behavior felt so surreal that my head had been practically spinning. How could this have happened? How could any of this be possible?

But then I would remember the words he spoke at Seth's funeral.

Maybe, in the most impossible of ways, it really _had_ started and ended with a crash.

I was nowhere near the only person who noticed the change, and Carlisle soon began pondering the possibilities. He came to no conclusion as the months passed other than a miracle.

The frequency and severity of Edward's mood swings went down. They were still there, and they still happened, but not as much. So much progress was being made and it was like Edward wasn't even trying to make it happen at all.

It just happened.

And not one person could find a complaint. Edward's mood was actually _helping_ everyone cope with the current tragedy.

For once, he wasn't the one bringing the darkness. He _was_ the light. And he didn't even realize.

One day, I finally found the courage to bring it up to him.

_I snuggled into his chest as he lightly stroked his fingers up and down my bare back. My sleepovers with Edward were what I craved most, and the fact that I would be going off to college in a few weeks made Charlie less concerned with where I spent some of my nights._

_ "You're amazing, you know that?" I asked softly._

_ "Come on, Bells," he responded jokingly, planting a light kiss on the top of my head._

_ "Can we talk about something? Only if it's okay with you?"_

_ "Okay," he responded cautiously._

_ "What happened? What changed?" I didn't have to clarify; he knew what I was referring to. There was a long pause, and I opened my mouth to let him know he didn't have to say anything before he spoke._

_ "I can't really explain it," he began. "I'm not happy, but I feel better. I'm not better, but I feel happy. I can't tell which one it is." Though my eyes were closed, listening to his musical voice, I felt him bring his hand to run through his hair. "Somehow, someway, I finally grasped what I had been doing all along. I can't let anyone down anymore. Not you, not Em, and mostly, not Seth. I spent so much time letting him down that I'm not going to make the same mistake I did with my parents."_

_ I wasn't expecting this kind of explanation from him. He never stopped the movements of his fingers up and down my back._

_ "I wasted so much time being angry that I couldn't go back and change things that I'm not going to put myself through that twice. You helped me see that," he added with an audible soft smile. "I spent too much fucking time letting him down that now, even though he's gone, I need to make up for that."_

_ I felt a smile tug at my lips but I didn't speak. I wanted him to keep going._

_ "I have a long ways to go and I know I'll never be completely better, but I want to be better, so fucking bad. I know there are going to be days were I'm sad, days where I'm furious. It's going to happen. But I want to be done living with regrets about the past, and worry for the future, but just live my life now. After three near death experiences, I'm obviously alive for a reason and I'm done trying to throw that all away."_

_ How was it possible to feel like everything was finally coming together? How could it be that Edward was actually realizing all of these things? I couldn't stop the smile. I also couldn't stop the happy tears._

_ "You don't even know how _fucking_ proud I am of you," I told him fiercely._

_ He laughed at my profanity I stole from him and hugged me closer._

_ "I miss the shit out of that kid," he sighed sadly before his voice changed to hopeful. "But do you want to know something? The last thing I said to him before the crash?"_

_ I felt a pang of uneasiness in my stomach at his words, bringing up the memories of the last time he had said those words to me._

_ "I told him he was my best friend."_

_ The moisture rolled down my cheeks as the room grew silent. Moments of silence passed by before he finally spoke again._

_ "And this time, it wasn't my fault."_

To say Edward was always happy was a lie. He struggled countless times to keep himself in check, and when he would lose it, we would always make it out okay because there was nothing that could be done to change it.

Edward would always be bipolar; there was nothing that could change that. But by yet another miracle, he had been able to accept that fact and began understanding the importance of making the best of things.

He had even agreed to weekly sessions of therapy. He grumbled and moaned about them, but he went. Mostly. And that was more than anyone could ask.

It was just before the end of our first semester at the University of Minnesota. College. Against all odds, Edward had decided to enroll. Even though he missed the deadline, the university found a place for him due to his academic excellence and the consideration of past events. We chose it because Edward's therapist recommended that Forks, rather Washington in general, was not a place he needed to linger.

Minnesota was nice. It had more than one weather forecast, unlike Forks. It didn't always rain; in fact there was summer, fall, winter, and spring. Not to mention that with the variety of seasons came a variety of drastic changes. The weather was bipolar, which was so fitting. It was like a happy middle between Washington and Arizona. It was the perfect place for us.

I could begin my studies as an intended English major while Edward could take his general classes until he figured out just what he wanted to do. He was thinking something along the lines of Medical Engineering.

He had the brain, he just needed the focus too. The immensity of how proud I was of both him and myself created a personal high over the past several months.

We decided to get an on-campus apartment together. Since the campus was so big, finding decent housing wasn't a problem. I knew I was missing out on the college experience of being matched with a random roommate, but living with Edward only made me get out and explore college more. There were a lot of friendly people on our floor, and I had made some good friendships with some of the girls in my classes.

Though none of them were Alice Cullen, they were still good for me. Besides, Alice was always only a phone call away. Even though she was going to school out in Boston, evidently being rich had its perks. She flew here to visit quite frequently, and we even visited her a couple of times.

Alice wasn't the only one kept in constant contact. Emmett and Edward were closer than they ever had been. It really was amazing to finally see. They became each other's best friend. They became so close even _I_ got jealous at times. They were all each other had left.

He signed to play baseball for Indiana, and like Alice, he too visited frequently.

Having our own place was nice, but I didn't want to be _that girl_, the one who lived with her boyfriend in college. I had expressed multiple times my hate for the cliché term, because not only did it not suffice, it was just too simple. It didn't cover everything we had gone through.

This wasn't just because we wanted to. Even though he had made incredible progress, he was still unstable. Past events made it impossible to justify him living on his own, and a roommate assigned by the university would be ineffective when it came to handling his highs and lows. I was the only person who could really be there for him.

So we lived together now. And because it was Edward's therapist and Carlisle who insisted this be the case, Carlisle insisted on paying the rent each month.

I knew why he was doing this: as an apology, and as a sort of graduation gift.

Because not one person, not even me for a while, had thought Edward's future would be possible.

I was reminded many times the consequences of what happened when I put too much faith into Edward's progress.

Because his mood swings were less often, they were also a lot less predictable. Even though the frequency had gone down, the magnitude of them had not.

I had never quite learned my lesson of not getting my hopes up when it came to his condition, so I finally came to accept the fact that he was going to let me down sometimes. He was going disappoint me. I was going to require a hell of a lot of patience. Things would definitely not be easy.

But I didn't want easy, I wanted Edward.

Because _we_ were a miracle. The fact that we had defied all odds and stayed together, though it seemed at times, everything was trying to pull it apart, was enough reason to make the challenge worth it.

Sad days would be sad days. Angry days would be angry days. Nothing could change that, so Edward and I had to learn each and every day how to embrace that.

From tragedy came light, even in the darkest of times. Something had changed Edward after Seth's death, and even though it was impossible, I truly believed that it had started and ended with a crash.

Edward wasn't fixed but he was better. And better was the best you could ask for in a situation like his. It was a miracle. Like everything else had been.

Who knew what the future held for us?

We were young, naïve, and stupid. What else did you expect two teenagers to be? With the past behind us and the whole world ahead of us, the only way to go was forward, and the only thing to do was to not look back.

In the comfort of Edward's strong arms, I glanced over to our nightstand at the frame holding the scribbled note I had written him what seemed like so long ago. I closed my eyes and smiled at the six words.

_Life's too short to be miserable_.

* * *

_Sing me something soft,_  
_sad & delicate_  
_Or loud and out of key_  
_Sing me anything_

-Existentialism On Prom Night, Straylight Run

**This isn't goodbye, it's see you later. :')**


End file.
